Day 212 - Tend to your life

I am beyond imperfect. Sometimes I wake up and realize that I have been ignoring a certain part of my life, probably on purpose. It's easy to be distracted when you want to be. It's hard to tend to all areas of your life but it's still your job to tend to them. Don't let those important parts of your life stray away on their own. Don't let important people stray away on their own. Don't let important values stray away on their own. Don't blame others for not tending to your life; it's your life. If it seems like too much, pray about it, not once, not twice, but over and over again. Ask God to help you tend to the parts that are withering. Don't give up.

Day 211 - Content

I know what God is trying to teach me at this very moment. I feel it in my heart and I know it's in His whispers. God wants me to be content. He wants me to ignore those nagging feelings and just be content with what I do have, with what He has given me. There has to come a time when it's enough. I felt Him tell me that plainly yesterday, which is hard for an overachiever like me. I realized that He has taken away so many comforts in my life but I still find ways to be discontent in other areas. I need to be joyful in all of the blessings I do have, after all He gives them to me, but He can also take them away. What I have should be enough, no matter how much or how little it is. So I will take time to love and cherish what I do have, instead of longing for more. I will try to be content in everything.

Day 210 - I do more than ever

Learning to live a life of faith is tricky. I feel like God is testing my faith in Him more now than ever before. I start to panic and He says, "do you trust me?" But the anxious part of me worries that even if I am trusting Him, things will get worse and that all along my faith was blind and we won't be blessed this time around. It is pretty scary. I think that it is harder because I have more faith right now so I am putting myself out there, saying that I have faith that He will get us through this, that He will pay our bills and that He will sustain us. Our situation right now is completely in God's hands and He decides what gets paid and what doesn't. I have never lived like this before. But even if it seems impossible, I have faith that God will see us through. I do. So I am closing my eyes and moving past my fears and when He asks me, "Amanda do you have faith?" I am answering Him, "I do Lord, more than ever."

p.s. Lynnae's surgery went well and she is on the road to recovery. I know she felt everyone's prayers. Thank you.

Day 209 - Rescuing

Yesterday while driving I couldn't help but wonder why aren't things worse. Why am I lucky enough to still have food and a place to live? Why are we not living on the streets like so many other families and begging for food and money? Why did God give us a great support system with wonderful family, friends and strangers and why is He choosing to help sustain us through our ordeal? I guess things could change at any moment for us, in fact we are living day-by-day, yet we still have it so good. Why are we fortunate to have many of life's luxuries while people are homeless and starving?

Every single day I wonder exactly what God's intentions are for us. He put us in this crisis for a reason, what is the purpose? What is the bigger picture? What does He want us to learn from this, how does He want us to change? I have my guesses and I know all the ways I have changed already but I wish I could know more. I know it's all for good and I know that we are coming out much better than we ever were before. I have it in good mind that God has actually been rescuing us all along. Here are three small notes that I found in my prayer journal that really make my heart move on this topic:

• Have the courage to see the fulfillment of God's promises to us.
• We've got to return to whole-hearted obedience. Joy is coming.
• I'm not looking for a tweak; I'm looking for a transformation.

It's hard to believe that in many discouraging times, God is actually rescuing us from something much worse. But it's true. I'm living on that thought right now.

Day 208 - Repeating

There are just some days when only a few words are what get you through the dark times. For me right now these are the ones:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." -Psalm 56:3 (NIV)

I just say this verse over and over again, having faith that God will take care of the details that lie in my worries and my fears. I keep moving forward with faith.

Day 207 - Lynnae's Story

Today's post is a story of faith from an amazing woman of God who inspires me constantly. Please keep her in your prayers as she is having surgery this Thursday.

It seems like everywhere we turn there is so much disease, illness, incurable conditions that surround us everyday. Yet, a lot of the time I have to stop and remind myself that I am living hope that no matter how we were born or what we end up with in life that effects our health is not our plan, it’s God’s plan, He designed us this way and we are no flaw in His eyes. Just as Psalm 139 says..”For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made… My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of earth. Your eyes saw my informed substance, in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them”. Yes, the same mother who carried me for nine months had done her duty here on Earth was called back to heaven 10 months after I was born. But she left me with something, a piece of her that would eventually save my life.

I have an inherited heart condition called Long QT or Sudden Arrhythmia Death Syndrome, meaning my heart can and has twice gone into cardiac arrest with no warning. 12 years after my mom passed away my family was diagnosed with this disorder, what a blessing in disguise that we finally had an answer to my mom’s unexplained death back in 1979, but on the flip side, I and many of my mom’s side of the family were diagnosed with this incurable heart condition. It wasn’t until January 17, 2000 that the fear of having this condition became a reality. It was an early morning, I had just turned 21 three days prior, when our phone rang which sent me into cardiac arrest due to the startling of my heart. Little did my sister know that after she answered that phone call that God put her a few feet away from me for a reason. Within seconds I was gasping for air, barely breathing and unconscious, she thought I was having a bad dream and went to wake me, she had no luck, she yelled for my parents who called 911 as they were rushing into my room. Somehow, only by the grace of God did I come out of cardiac arrest. That morning I could have died, but I realized God was not through with me yet. I was rushed to the ER and test after test and 3 days later the decision was made to implant a defibrillator. At the end of that evening I was scared, worried, alone and I didn’t want to sleep for fear that I would have another episode. God met my fears that night in Mission Viejo Hospital, as my life verse says in Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope”. He sent a young girl to talk to me to ease my fears and to know that my life will go on, and it did. Months passed by and I had to learn to live with this foreign object in my chest. I was only 92 lbs and it stuck out like a brick, I was so self conscious, never wearing anything that showed it, but once again those thoughts of insecurity turned into a daily reminder that my life was spared. From then on it has never affected me.

Years later I became pregnant which was another risk, we were taking the chance that our children had a 50% chance of inheriting this condition and not to mention that I could have an episode again. As my husband and I prayed over our future children we often thought, what are the odds of them not getting it, I mean my grandfather, mother, Aunt, Uncle, 5 cousins and 1 that already passed away at the age of 19 all had this. What were we thinking?? God was thinking different and His plan was different for them, He blessed us with 2 pregnancies, episode free during both of them and best of all our two healthy children have both tested negative for this condition. What a miracle our prayers were heard and answered!

Three months after my first pregnancy in 2007, God gave me another reminder that He was in control. I went into cardiac arrest again, but my defibrillator did it’s job and settled my racing heart that was beating at 278 beats a minute. This gave me assurance that the technology that God provided saved my life and for once I was not fearful! Since then I have had no other episodes, except fast forward to a few weeks ago. I knew my battery was getting low and as I was sitting at work I heard it beep (a normal notification letting me know it needs to be replaced) but I didn’t expect my heart to start racing, in the 3 minutes it was racing, fear set in real quick, I didn’t know if it was malfunctioning, if it was an episode, or if I was just having anxiety from hearing the beeping noise. After being startled, I quickly began to pray and right away that fear went away and my heart began to pace back to normal. Little did I know that I wasn’t having an episode but the device went into test mode for a few moments pacing my heart, some test that was, maybe though it was to test my faith that once again God is in control and I am not! In a few days from now, on Thursday, July 28th, I will be having surgery to replace my 3rd defibrillator, am I worried? Of course I am nervous, but I have peace knowing that everything will be ok, God will be with me, the Dr’s and my family and again He will get me through this!

I live with this heart condition everyday, I see my defibrillator and scar everyday, it’s a reminder that I am not perfect, none of us are perfect, I don’t have a perfect heart, but to me it is like a diamond, it has it’s flaws, just as diamonds do, it’s a rare heart, a precious heart filled with love, hope and most of all faith. It’s a heart I am happy to live with, a heart that God has blessed me with, it’s a one of a kind heart, a heart that makes me, well ME!
Lynnae Williams

Day 206 - A life of faith

I love it when there is a sermon, book, devotion or quote in front of me specifically about faith! I feel like I have been in the College of Faith this year (I would definitely go if there was one). I was pleasantly surprised that today's message at church was on faith and what a life of faith looks like. What I really loved most is that our pastor used bible verses that I have never applied to My Year of Faith. That is such a Godsend. This is the main verse he used:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV1984)

I have heard this verse through out my life and I know it by heart, yet I have never once associated it with my struggles. But here it is right in front of me offering a promise that I need, a promise that I am leaning on right now more than ever.

Right now I am paying every single bill by the grace of God and we are at a point where I have no idea what can or will be paid in the future, including rent, car payments, medical insurance, etc. Every week we wait and see what money is coming in and we do what we can with it, there is no special formula. But then again, here we are eight months after Mark was laid off and we are still in our home and so far everything that absolutely has to be paid has been paid. It's crazy. Our story is proof that God is handling our finances, not us and He will continue to do so. It has been made very clear to me this year that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow and I am supposed to have faith that God will help us get those bills paid, even if it seems impossible. I really was not able to grasp that until more recently while reflecting on checks or gift cards put into our lives on the exact day that we needed them. Our prayers have been answered every time, maybe not with Mark getting a job to pay our bills, but with all of our needs being met. I know that nothing is impossible. I have complete faith that it will work out and the scarier our situation gets the less I worry. I am forever changed. I cannot wait to share our story of this time in our life in more detail once the chapter has been closed.

According to our pastor today a life of faith includes risk, relying on God, obeying Him and expecting Him to act based on your faith. I would love to use this blog and my life right now as an example.

1. Faith is risking or trusting God when He asks us to step-out. For me, God clearly told me to take a risk and start this blog. It was scary, personal and not exactly the image you want to portray to others if you are trying to keep up with everyone. I did it despite all of those things and it has changed my life. It has made me dive deeper into my faith, it has kept me honest with myself and it has taught me more than I could ever imagine about love, joy, and the goodness of others. It is an example of why we need to trust God when He asks us to take risks.

2. Faith is relying on God. For me, it would be much easier just to rely on myself. I have always been great at that! Relying on God is hard because you have to let go of all of your fears and I have built up a lot of fears through out my life. It is also believing that our situation is for good, even though it feels so hard a lot of the time. It is accepting that He is taking me through pain, humility and obedience to build me up, and that is so much better than any path I would have taken myself. It is knowing that He is at work in my life and in my blog for good and only for good.

3. Faith is obeying God. I could easily be one of the most stubborn people you have ever known; it's a really strong possibility. But, I have had to surrender and let go of my stubbornness more times than I can count, to God and to others. Faith is an action and ever since I have become more obedient, I have become happier! Since I have started my blog I have given all parts of my life to God, including the ones I had folded my arms and refused to let go of before. And, even just recently God has given me some new directions with this blog and I have just been sitting on them, taking my time. Once I heard this part of the message I wrote in my notes that I must obey Him and move forward without delay! He cannot bless me if I do nothing!

4. Faith is expecting. This is what I was talking about earlier, expecting that God will act based on my trust in Him. Right now it is expecting that He will take care of us financially and that He will point me in the right direction. That even this blog has a larger purpose and if I am faithful with it, I can expect that He will take it further and make my words stronger than I ever could have done on my own. I have noticed that as time has moved on, I am calling out to Him less in desperation and moving with him more in faith.

I am still just starting to understand how to live a life of faith, it's like a beautiful book has been opened in front of me and I am trying to look at all of the pictures before I read all of the words. But I am doing it nonetheless. I hope that somehow my struggles can help inspire you to work through yours. I'm at elhajs@aol.com if you need support.

Day 205 - Small things

I wouldn't even know where to begin if you asked me to tell you all of the small lessons I have learned this year, there are just too many. But I would never hesitate to tell you that God has taught me to relish the small things. Between financial woes and a lot of sickness in our house lately, having a day at the beach with my little family yesterday was a gift. It made me appreciate our wellness, the weather, where we live and God's beauty (which he gives us for free). I don't take those gifts for granted anymore.

Day 204 - All by yourself

I read this in a book (if you are a man reading this please change the word woman for man):

And how you live your life as a woman, all by yourself before God, is what makes the real you. -from Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman

I copied that sentence in prayer journal to keep and remind myself. Not only to remind myself of what makes up who I am, but because it doesn't matter how other people appear or make themselves appear, the real person is who they are alone before God. Pretty powerful.

Day 203 - Love we give out

As I write this it's 5:25am and I have been up for quite awhile now. My sweet baby is really sick and so I have spent every second being available for him, even in my sleep and in his. I can't help but think of something I heard a few weeks back about how we cannot expect other people, including loved ones and friends, to meet our needs the way we want them to. If we have those expectations we will be sorely disappointed through out our lives. Other people are not you and they are not capable of being you, therefore they cannot act and do exactly as you want them too. Doesn't this ring true for our spouses, our children, our family members and our friends? I know a few people who are always mad at everyone else, because no one is giving him or her what he or she feels they deserve. That is a lonely life to live. No one can live up to your expectations, and yes, I have had this argument many times with my husband for not being romantic enough, for not listening enough and for not knowing exactly what I needed. But I can think of times I was disappointed by a friend or family member for similar things too. I deeply wanted them to understand what I was going through and to be the perfect friend in return. When they weren't I felt lonely, angry and mad.

So, while I was gazing at my sweet, sickly baby's face with great care and concern, overly tired from lack of sleep, I realized that all we can do is pour out as much love and care as we can to the people we love and the people around us in hopes that they can return it to us the best that they can. That we need to get the kind of confirmation that we want not by what we get from others, but by what we give to others and how that makes us feel. And, if we are in the kind of need where we just want someone to love us profoundly, ask God for that kind of love. He can reach that level. We need to stop expecting the world of others, we need to be more reasonable and we need to allow others to love us the best way that they know how. Just because I pour every ounce of love into my sweet babies, doesn't mean that they will grow up remembering the long nights that I nursed them to health. They won't be able to properly return that love, but hopefully by feeling a lifetime of love and dedication from me, they will love me back despite all my faults and let me stay close to them forever and in the process learn our values and morals by example. We can cultivate so many relationships this way and hopefully allow others to surprise us with the ways that they love us back.

Day 202 - Teetering

We have had an interesting summer with a lot of random sickness in our family; I always thought that summer was the well time of the year. It has been really strange and has kept us from a few special days, including some church events. Not to mention doctors bills that we cannot afford. Today I am definitely asking God, "why us?" You know that whole "why can't we catch a break" routine? Well I've got it and in more areas than one. We are quickly approaching the eight month mark from when Mark was laid off and I am still in awe that things are not better yet. It just feels very strange teetering on having faith and not worrying to wanting to worry... a lot. Or teetering on being so extremely grateful for what we do have or being angry that God hasn't picked us up yet. I am still airing on the side of extremely grateful and having faith. It's much more peaceful there. I still truly believe that every day has a purpose to whatever God is trying to teach us and He knows best. So even though it feels like we have a gray cloud over our heads, I am trying to be as optimistic as I can. Knowing that only He can write our story.

Today I am extremely grateful for sicknesses that can be cured, for a roof over our head, my family under my wings, for food on our table and for interviews that come Mark's way.

Day 201 - Joy

I've actually been pretty sick over the last few days so please excuse my tardiness on getting my posts up. Today I want to share Kay Warren's definition of joy. She has been presenting a wonderful bible study about joy, unfortunately I have had to miss most of them due to sickness or prior engagements, but being joyful is something I want to be more of!

"Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life; the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right; and the determined choice to praise God in all things."

What would your definition of joy be? When you say, "I could use a little more joy in my life," would you feel/act differently using this definition?

Day 200 - Quote

I'm a little under the weather today so it's the perfect time to share this quote that my friend saw last week. She said she instantly thought of me.

"God's gifts are never what we expect. The trick is not to be confused by the wrapping paper, but to be sure to open the box." -Source unknown

Day 199 - Dreams

I am still a dreamer. I dream about owning our own home again, a home we can live in forever. Where I can paint the walls and make our own furniture. A home I can decorate because I know we will live there as long as we want. I save ideas in Pinterest for this home almost on a daily basis. I pray that someday it will happen for us, I am hopeful it will happen sooner than it feels.

I dream about traveling to different places, to open my eyes more to the world around me. Nowhere specific.

I also dream about having another baby. Mark is not okay with this and it will probably never happen, but I don't feel like our lives are definitely complete in whatever way that means. Sometimes I feel like maybe God has his own plans for us in that department, but who knows. It's always on my heart though and I haven't closed that door myself yet.

I dream of writing, but that's as far as my dream goes. No specifics or images. Just a feeling that I will do something I love.

Those are my dreams. I used to dream for so much more... God has simplified my desires and my wishes. Nothing flashy. Nothing elaborate. Just simple heartfelt dreams for the future. My heart belongs to my family, a home, beauty around me and my passion. Life is so much simpler now.

No matter what you are going through, don't stop dreaming. God knows your heart and your desires. He hears you. Don't give up hope for your future.

Day 198 - Truth

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." -Romans 5:3-4 (NIV1984)

Day 197 - Proof

I am amazed every single day when I go into my children's closets, open our medicine cabinet or open up the refrigerator. Not only do we have the basic amount of food, clothing and necessities, but we also have a lot more than we normally would. Every day I am reminded that God is keeping His promise and caring for us. The less I worry, the more we have. Just yesterday a sweet friend gave us toothbrushes, toothpaste and a bag of other great stuff that I can store away for when we run out. Everything that we are given is like tiny miracles for me to witness and solid proof that God does exist. Like I said, every time I ask God how I will pay for something, he sends another miracle.

"And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs." -Matthew 6:30-32 (NLT)

I recently told someone that being in this financial bind is the best thing that has ever happened to us. Granted I am saying this before any kind of happy ending, but I am expecting that it will happen eventually. I just feel like we now see our life with eyes wide open. If we had not experienced this kind of roadblock we would have kept on living our life the way we were before... forever. It would be like walking around blindly. Instead, when we are back to more solid ground we will be more careful with our money, more generous with others and more thankful for what we have. I am also able to pursue the dream I have had since I was a little girl, which is writing. That would never have happened if life had stayed the same, ever. And, I would never understand the true compassion that people have for others. That people have had with us. I never saw how selfless people are, practically strangers. Mark and I vow to be those kinds of people. We have been accepting a lot for the last seven and a half months and we will be excited to be in a place to give and to give generously for the rest of our lives.

So if you ask me how I know God exists I can tell you story after story, some I will share later down the road, of how He is working in our life and always through the generosity of others. Every time I have asked Him how I will pay for something that is a necessity, He blesses us. It happens each and every day. I am truly blessed.

Day 196 - My grime

I had a really amazing day yesterday, but more about that in a future post!

Last night I went to take a bath, which is my stress reliever or my reward for a good day. I looked at my bathtub and realized that it needed a major scrub down. I had obviously ignored it. Before Mark was laid off we had a housecleaner. At first it was every other week, then every three weeks and in the end it was once a month or every five weeks. When we moved into this house she stopped calling us to come, I think she knew that we were in financial distress. Obviously since we have lived here I have done every ounce of cleaning myself, which I fail at most days. When I do clean I work harder on the downstairs areas because that is where our guests usually spend time. I really abandon cleaning our master bathroom even though all five of us use it every day. When I do clean it I only do a basic cleaning, after all I have always had someone else do the really deep clean. When I started cleaning the tub last night I noticed that there was a thick layer of grime all around it. From far away you couldn't really see it, which is why I obviously justified not needing to clean it that hard before. But it was the kind of grime that doesn't just wash away with Scrubbing Bubbles and so I spent the next hour literally on my hands and knees scrubbing harder then I have ever scrubbed before, trying to scrub the grime away. I'm not going to lie, it was gross.

Why am I telling you this? While I was cleaning I was thinking about some really serious issues that related to what I was doing. First, I was thinking about how we often just let grime build up in our lives. We ignore it, we refuse to do it, we blame others for it, we keep thinking that pretty soon someone else will clean it up for us and then we blink our eyes and realize that we are the only ones who can get rid of it. And so we face the daunting task of trying to scrub it away. I have grime in my life. I see it in the form of laziness, filthy words, gossip, the way I treat others and bitterness. I know you have grime in your own form too. Eventually we all have to clean up our grime if we want to keep on growing. The longer we wait to clean it, the harder it will be to clean it up. Grime doesn't magically disappear. Ever.

Another issue that I was thinking about while scrubbing is that we have many people in our lives that help us. In my case I was thinking about the cleaning lady Maria who cleaned our house for a really long time. Yes, I paid her and said thank you but was I ever truly appreciative of her? Was I grateful that she cleaned our grime for us? That she was a blessing to me? No. I remember complaining to Mark that she didn't clean the baseboards or that her sister had done a better job, but I never said how thankful I was that she blessed our family with her amazing cleaning abilities. I should have. People may not meet all of our expectations, but we still need to be thankful for what they do for us and we need to let them know that they are a blessing in our lives. Truly. How many people bless your life that you don't adequately thank? Probably a lot. Other people often do the dirty work in our lives and we need to be more compassionate for their role. We need to see them for what they do, not what they don't do.

I hope that someday I can have help cleaning my house again. I think it is actually the one thing that I miss the most. I do know that if we get to a place where we can afford it, I will never take that help for granted again. I will try harder to acknowledge the blessings people pour into my life. If we cannot afford it I will not let the grime build up. I am also prepared to take a look at all of the different kinds of grime in my life and start to scrub them away so that I can be a cleaner and more responsible version of myself.

Day 195 - From the beginning

Today is day 195 and I have been thinking that maybe it would be a good time to give new readers a quick synopsis of why I started this blog. For my faithful readers, these are things you already know so please bare with me today.

My Year of Faith is a year devoted to detailing my journey of spiritual, emotional and personal faith. Three years ago I was laid off from my amazing job and we became a one-income family, drastically changing our lives. Due to the economy and the beyond depleted job force I was forced to stay home permanently. From that time we had to short sale our home and use every penny from all of our savings accounts to survive. Last December my husband was laid off from his job and we are now renting a smaller place with our family of five (and two dogs). We had to use up both of our 401Ks to survive and we are now living on unemployment, the generosity of others and God's grace. In my eyes we have nothing to show from our old life, it seems like a distant memory. We went from feeling like we had it all, to humbly accepting this part of our journey. The part that stripped us of any labels we had and turned our world upside down (and around some more). Yet, in the midst of our turmoil and sadness arose this new strength in me. My faith in God and my faith in my own abilities burned a fire in my heart and my soul. My eyes opened to a new life where humbleness, compassion and necessity make up a life well lived, not possessions and social status. God has been working in me slowly and steadily and my faith in life has been restored. And, while I pray for Mark to find permanent work as soon as possible (it's been seven months), God has told me to stay true and to be patient in His process for my life and in doing so I have revisited my lifelong dream of writing. My words are here every day, detailing this obstacle course we are currently on.

Every day is hard but life is still really good.

You can catch up on some important posts from this year here, here, here or here. But really all my favorite posts are the ones in between.

Day 194 - This verse

This verse greeted me last night:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." -James 1:2-4 (MSG)

This verse is my life right now. It is this blog. It is patience, perseverance and assurance. It is my faith for my family wrapped up in a pretty bow. It is for you too, whatever you may be facing.

Day 193 - Not perfect

I used to read this one particular blog every day. I was intrigued about the incredible story that was laid out daily and how this blogger was transforming through so much devastation. And then one day I stopped. Their story was far from over but I just couldn't relate anymore. In my mind, even though I knew they were struggling, their life seemed too perfect. The family was perfect, the house was perfect, the kids were perfect, the crafts were perfect and even their meals were perfect. So I stopped reading. All of that perfectness made me feel bad about a lot of things in my own life. It's hard to try and keep up isn't it?

Social media is such a funny thing. We see what other people want us to see; yet we rarely get to see how it really is. When I started this blog one of my main goals was to make sure I stayed authentic with my readers. Sure we all know my situation isn't perfect, but do you know what is even less than perfect than my situation? Me. This blog has developed into so much more then learning to live with faith, it has transformed me and opened my eyes to all of the things I need to work on in myself. And it's a slow process, that's for sure. I am stubborn, I have a temper, I give into food temptations, I am selfish, I fight with my husband a lot, I make mistakes, I gossip and I sin. That's just the first few bullet points off of a long list. But, because of my choice to try and live a life of faith and of joy, I am trying to change as much as I can. It's hard work and some days I fail on all levels, but then there are days where I practice what I have learned and I feel my heart open up a little bit more and I feel proud of the barriers I am breaking. The bad days, well I recognize them and then give myself a break and try again tomorrow. It's a battle, but for me it's a rewarding one. (And if I have ever made you feel like I was appearing to be perfect, I apologize and please keep me in check for the future).

So today I just want to say two things. First, you know that person on Facebook or at work that has a bright and shiny life that makes you feel jealous or bad about yourself? Well, a shiny appearance does not convey what is on the inside or what really happens when no one is looking. Remember that. Secondly, being authentic with others and sharing the real you will buy you much more happiness and security than having a perceived perfect life. It opens friendships and hearts and I have experienced those gifts more then ever over these last seven months. Also, being authentic with yourself and being truthful about your decisions and your own actions can lead to a new path of self discovery and acceptance within yourself.

"When you know the truth, the truth will set you free." -John 8:32

Day 192 - Uphill battle

Sometimes living a life of faith seems like an uphill battle. When you feel in your heart that everything you have is a gift from God, it's hard to try and influence others that life is a gift, especially if they are jaded from their own experiences and the things they see around them. There are so many things for people to be angry at and upset about, I get it, but by losing my possessions and my financial worth I see things so differently and I want to share my feelings with the world! I don't think the world is particularly interested in my thoughts though, especially since a life of faith is a little unpopular. So I am just going to try and live by these words that I read last week and hope that I can transform myself into a good example of a well-lived life and by doing so I can reach people that I feel are unreachable.

Grace for every step,

Mercy for every stumble,

Peace for every situation.

-from The Gentle Ways of the Beautiful Woman

Day 191 - More love

I read something lately that said that the best way to change someone's mind is through friendship, or perhaps just through love. That means that being a more loving person, even to those we disagree with, is the best way to reach them. I respond better to kindness and gentleness, don't you? Something for me to work on.

Day 190 - In it

In one of my favorite movies there is a line where one of the main characters says something to the affect of "you're in it right now, aren't you?" Basically it refers to when you are working out something really big in your head and you are in the middle of something life changing. I say this all the time, especially when I see someone I love in the middle of something major in their life.

Right now I am definitely "in it." No matter how much craziness and stress is going on, at the end of the day I am still "in it." I have been working out some major life changes in my head. Like I have said before, I have been a Christian my whole life, but what I have been going through over the last few years and more specifically the past seven months in my faith is definitely transforming. I am teetering on the edge of taking my faith to a new level, a level I never would have understood had I not been stripped of so much. Being in a place of humbleness and not having your comforts and conveniences on hand really puts your true self right in front of you. After all, there is nothing to hide behind anymore. I can't hide behind money, clothing, hobbies or any facade. I can't hide behind an amazing haircut, a toned body from a latest craze, or a house full of do-it-yourself renovations. Even being crafty and thrifty costs money. I literally have nothing to hide behind and sometimes I wish I did. It makes life easier.

Since I can no longer hide behind anything and yet I feel so bad about myself, I am really going to try and make this upcoming week about learning to love myself and all of my imperfections. I want to stop holding myself back. I want to try and push being "in it" to be being "through it" in all areas of my life at the end of this journey. I have so much more to grow but I think it's time to be bold, courageous and confident. The reason I am teetering in my faith is because I haven't accepted that everything about me can move forward. I haven't hit the level of maturity where we accept ourselves for exactly who we are and move forward as God has made us and then mold and grow into the person God has intended us to be.

Day 189 - Each day

Yesterday I found myself full of worry. It's the beginning of the month, which faces me with a lot of bills that have to be paid and rent that is due at the end of the month. It's so stressful and every month I just barely make it by God's grace, what happens when I can't do it anymore? I often tell God that there is no place left for money to come from. He usually answers, but what if He can't this time? Then what?

And then there was this verse, typed at the top of the page in my prayer journal:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

So that is where I am living right now, one day at a time. I am trying to put my worries behind me and have faith that the bills will get paid and it will all work out just as it has over the last seven months. I am going against my nature to plan ahead and I am going to just let it be, one day at a time with lots of prayer and thanksgiving. It's scary but it's also a sign of true faith. I hope that I can do it.

Day 188 - A long time

What do you do when you feel like God is taking a really long time to answer your prayers? Normally I would lose a little faith, stop praying and try to ignore the situation. In fact, I think I was starting to do that a little bit lately. Last night I looked at my prayer journal and noticed that I haven't done a lot of praying over the last few weeks, no wonder I have been feeling a tiny bit spiritually empty and frustrated. I went ahead and wrote a long prayer asking for help and exposing my feelings. It felt good and it reminded me to not only pray for my family, but that constantly praying for others keeps you spiritually healthy and focused as well. So then I wrote a few pages of prayers for people I love and people who need extra prayers right now. By doing so it also put them forefront in my mind and heart so they can walk with me through my day.

I know that this time around and this situation I want to make a conscious decision to not give up on my prayers and to keep asking God to help us get through this and out of this as soon as possible. I want to keep my faith high and in clear light for everyone to see. I want to keep reminding God and myself that I am here, that this is real and that I know that He can change everything for the better. I am not giving up this time and I am getting back in the game right now. No more tiny setbacks, lost faith or feeling like things will never change. I know better than that.

I have faith that things will turn around.

Day 187 - Our day

Today is one of those days where we had a lot of fun things planned, things we had even paid for months ago, and then my oldest son got sick and everything went out the door. It's frustrating when plans change like that, right? I especially feel frustrated when it's something we have paid for because let's face it, money is a luxury right now and I hate wasting it. I was feeling pretty annoyed this morning.

So here is what I try and remind myself over and over again when things feel like they are falling a part or when life seems a little unfair. Perhaps there is a very good reason why God kept us home today. We all know these kinds of stories and they happen all the time. God needed us to stay home to keep our car off the street, keep my son out of the heat, keep us away from another person or who knows why. In a frustrating situation (like extra traffic, lost car keys, cancelled plans, etc.) we need to know that there is probably a very good reason why it is happening at that exact moment. There are so many blessings happening in our lives, blessings that we will never know happened but we have to trust and have faith that even an unpleasant circumstance may be a blessing in disguise. That is the way I am looking at today.

Day 186 - Mark's day

Today is my hubby's birthday and he told me he didn't want a huge post all about him. Instead I am posting two bible verses that I put his name next to in the margins of my notes.

"Finish what you started a year ago... for you were the first to begin doing something about it! Now you should carry this project through to completion just as enthusiastically as you began it. Give whatever you can accordingly to what you have!" - 2 Corinthians 8:10-11

I think it is human nature to not finish things that we start. We say we are going to do something, but often we just don't get there. Mark always gets there. When he starts something he does it with tenacity and pride. I admire this about him; every project gets finished and it gets finished well. He's just that kind of guy! Imagine if we were all gifted like this.

"So don't throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It's still a sure thing! But you need to stick it out, staying with God's plan so you'll be there for the promised completion." -Hebrews 10:35-36

Like I said my husband knows how to keep moving forward, even when he feels like giving up. He sticks things out without making rash decisions and he keeps reaching for the finish line. I see it in him every day. He never gives up, even on people. His perseverance is definitely one of his best qualities. Imagine how God would smile down on us if we were more like Mark, finishing the work He started in us. Mark may not see it, but God made him like a warrior... the kind that you want to go into battle with because he will fight until the end. I feel like I need so much more of that in my own battles.

I love you Mark and Happy Birthday!

Day 185 - Gratitude

Today is the day where I will rest my mind, enjoy my family and be thankful for every second I get to be with them. I will also reflect on my gratitude for my personal freedom, for those who have protected it, and that I am able to live in a place where I can have religious freedom. We are so fortunate.

Day 184 - A long week

This has been a really weird week for me because it was kind of themed to be all about myself. I struggled a lot this week with my appearance and all of the shame and the feelings that come with that struggle. I just felt bad about myself in the worst way. It was depressing. But then I had some amazing people do some really special things for me out of the blue that totally lifted me up. They were thoughtful little luxuries that cannot be shared with my kids or hubby. They were definitely God sent (thanks R&L and M) and of course in perfect timing. I ended the week being sick which forced me to rest and not think about food and my body for two days and then not surprisingly at church the message spoke directly to me about winning your internal battle. God really does have a hand in your life when you are struggling the most. I asked and I received.

I just want to share what spoke to me at church today. Our internal battles are filled with confusion, guilt, shame, compulsions, addictions, self-condemnation, frustration, discouragement and despair. I literally felt every one of those emotions this week in my battle with my physical appearance. I tried to have will power, but I couldn't do it on my own and Pastor Rick says that we can't do it on our own, that will power doesn't work because it is only short term. The way to be victorious is to deepen our understanding of Christ, detect and disarm the lies we believe and share our struggles with others. Meaning we have to trust that God can get us through it, we have to be honest with ourselves and admit we have a problem by confessing our sin and then we need to find someone to share our struggle with. We cannot fight whatever our internal battle is alone, whether it's food, alcohol or whatever is bearing down on your life.

I know I am not the only one in a painful struggle right now. Know that you are not alone and that you cannot do it alone! But, you can be victorious over yourself. Right before I got sick I told God that I cannot conquer my eating and my weight all by myself and that I need His help. I know that He will help me get to a better place where I can fight for my happiness again. I hope you can get there too.

Day 183 - Half way

If my calculations are correct, I am exactly half way through My Year of Faith. On one hand I feel like this has been the longest 183 days ever, yet if I take finances out of the equation we have had a really great 183 days full of happiness, love and growth. Life has been ticking on just as it is supposed to and even though we worry about money our family, especially my children, are growing like weeds and thriving. We haven't missed out on any milestones or important events because of our finances. That thought alone makes me feel more blessed than ever. Our marriage is intact and my own eyes have been opened in ways that would normally take much longer. My family, friends and readers have given me a new understanding of life and what it is to give to others and I have had some experiences and emotions that I never could have possibly felt if we weren't facing these particular struggles. Our future rests on uncertainty but I feel reassured that if God can get us this far, then He can take us the rest of the way. He can lift us up until Mark finds a full-time job and He can lift us up until we can get to a place where we feel stable and normal again. He has provided for us in ways I never could have imagined and every time I tell Him that there is no place for money to come from, He shows me how little faith that I have. Now 183 days later, I do have faith that we will get there.

I am always asked what I will do with this blog when Mark gets a job and if the year isn't up. I know that Mark being employed will not fix everything right away and I also know that I have so much to learn about faith. I am in such a learning stage and I am enough of a realistic to know that there is no quick fix to our struggles right now. In fact, I doubt that the next 182 days will be enough to feel that My Year of Faith is complete. I am struggling in so many different areas of my life.

So today I want to thank you for reading, encouraging me, sharing and just being at the other end of my words. I hope you will keep up with me for the rest of my journey.

Day 182 - A new me & a better update

I believe that three years ago when God decided to change my life, He knew that with my personality He would have to do it slowly. There is one part of my life that I am starting to be able to look in the rearview mirror and put all the pieces together to see God's work in me. His very slow work in me. I have mentioned this previously, but before I was laid off I was a working mom to the bone. Not only did I believe that with all of my heart but I also told anyone who asked that I would never be a stay-at-home mom, ever. I loved feeling successful at juggling both career and baby. I was truly happy. When I was laid off I felt like my identity was ripped away but I had just delivered my second child so I thought I would be able to enjoy time at home for a little while... a little while turned into three years.

About the time that I started to feel depressed about not being able to find a job and I was watching our family take our first financial pitfall, I decided to start my own business. It literally happened overnight and I had a lot of support from my family and friends. Suddenly I had an identity again and I had something that was all mine. It really bridged that empty space in my heart that longed for a career and even though it couldn't provide a career, it provided work and I needed that. God knew that. During this time I was trying to find my place as a full-time mom and it was really uncomfortable for me. It was so uncomfortable that I would never admit that my "job" was now to be a mom, I just didn't feel like that was where I belonged. So I lived in this world where I was a mom during the day and I worked all night and I had a balance of having a purpose of my own while learning how to be a full-time mom.

Very recently God whispered (or maybe yelled) that I needed to stop working for a while to take care of my family. God told me to let go right at a time where I had begun to feel comfortable at being at home. It took three years for me to feel like that. So I didn't kick or scream, I listened and I did what He told me to do. It didn't make sense financially but it made sense in my role as a mother and wife. For three years God had also been teaching me how to let go of things that were important to me, so this was just another thing and I was able to accept it. I am now working and blogging only about seven hours a week total and I don't know what the future holds for my business. I will leave that up to God.

This week I literally woke up with a renewed sense of self. I woke up and realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I am a stay-at-home mother and I am good at it. I see that this is also where God intended me to be all along. He let me down gently and then built up my heart to learn to be a different kind of mother. There are no awards to be won or an office to hang my degrees in, but instead I have a home with children to raise to be amazing adults. This job has taken on a whole new meaning for me. My heart is full. Now I am praying that I can continue to stay home and continue to write. My life and my purpose as a mother could not be any more opposite of what I had intended it to be.

I don't know what situation you are in right now but I just want to tell you that it may seem uncomfortable and perhaps the opposite of what you have ever wanted, but that doesn't mean that it can't be wonderful at the end of your journey. Pray often, listen to God's direction and have faith in yourself that you can do anything. Believe that change is necessary and that life will be okay wherever God leads you. He has changed my heart and yet always protected the center of who I am so that I can still be myself. I feel like He has made me a better me.

A better update

I feel like the update I gave yesterday wasn't enough, especially when it comes to what Mark is doing right now. Every day Mark get up and leaves in the morning. He goes to his friend's office and looks for a full-time job as well as some other side things. With all of the stress and disappointment he never gives up. I don't think that I could have the stamina and the strength to look at this situation in the eye like he does and keep fighting every day. Unfortunately he has a wife full of sarcasm and never gets the pat on the back that he deserves, but I am so proud to be his wife and I love him so much. He is our rock and we know that he will always take care of us no matter what. We are so lucky.