I believe that three years ago when God decided to change my life, He knew that with my personality He would have to do it slowly. There is one part of my life that I am starting to be able to look in the rearview mirror and put all the pieces together to see God's work in me. His very slow work in me. I have mentioned this previously, but before I was laid off I was a working mom to the bone. Not only did I believe that with all of my heart but I also told anyone who asked that I would never be a stay-at-home mom, ever. I loved feeling successful at juggling both career and baby. I was truly happy. When I was laid off I felt like my identity was ripped away but I had just delivered my second child so I thought I would be able to enjoy time at home for a little while... a little while turned into three years.
About the time that I started to feel depressed about not being able to find a job and I was watching our family take our first financial pitfall, I decided to start my own business. It literally happened overnight and I had a lot of support from my family and friends. Suddenly I had an identity again and I had something that was all mine. It really bridged that empty space in my heart that longed for a career and even though it couldn't provide a career, it provided work and I needed that. God knew that. During this time I was trying to find my place as a full-time mom and it was really uncomfortable for me. It was so uncomfortable that I would never admit that my "job" was now to be a mom, I just didn't feel like that was where I belonged. So I lived in this world where I was a mom during the day and I worked all night and I had a balance of having a purpose of my own while learning how to be a full-time mom.
Very recently God whispered (or maybe yelled) that I needed to stop working for a while to take care of my family. God told me to let go right at a time where I had begun to feel comfortable at being at home. It took three years for me to feel like that. So I didn't kick or scream, I listened and I did what He told me to do. It didn't make sense financially but it made sense in my role as a mother and wife. For three years God had also been teaching me how to let go of things that were important to me, so this was just another thing and I was able to accept it. I am now working and blogging only about seven hours a week total and I don't know what the future holds for my business. I will leave that up to God.
This week I literally woke up with a renewed sense of self. I woke up and realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I am a stay-at-home mother and I am good at it. I see that this is also where God intended me to be all along. He let me down gently and then built up my heart to learn to be a different kind of mother. There are no awards to be won or an office to hang my degrees in, but instead I have a home with children to raise to be amazing adults. This job has taken on a whole new meaning for me. My heart is full. Now I am praying that I can continue to stay home and continue to write. My life and my purpose as a mother could not be any more opposite of what I had intended it to be.
I don't know what situation you are in right now but I just want to tell you that it may seem uncomfortable and perhaps the opposite of what you have ever wanted, but that doesn't mean that it can't be wonderful at the end of your journey. Pray often, listen to God's direction and have faith in yourself that you can do anything. Believe that change is necessary and that life will be okay wherever God leads you. He has changed my heart and yet always protected the center of who I am so that I can still be myself. I feel like He has made me a better me.
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