Day 59 - Adding another chapter

I feel like this particular blog post could be spread over a few days but I am just going to lay it all out there now. Sorry it's so long!

Yesterday I didn't feel like going to church. Things have been tiring and emotional lately and I could have easily stayed home. We had a guest pastor, Matt Carter from The Austin Stone Community Church, speaking and at the start of the sermon I was listening and even prayed the prayer for God to speak to me as he had encouraged us to do, but I didn't feel totally enthralled. Fast-forward about 30 minutes and as he ended the sermon I was crying. Next thing I know I put my sunglasses on, I left church before it was completely over and went to cry in the bathroom because I didn't know where else to go. I was a blabbering mess, which actually makes me laugh just thinking about it. It got me. His sermon spoke to me and it put me on a narrow path, just as he had spoken about. In fact, I went to find the pastor before we left to thank him and I couldn't even speak to him without crying....I just blabbered some more. So embarrassing!

Now, let me take you back a few days, when I wrote these words on this blog, "Kind of like the lesson I learned when I said we would never short sale our house, and yet we did. I learned to never say never because you don't know what tomorrow will bring." Those words are ringing in my head right now.

Have I told you about my business? I started Creative Nest Designs after I was laid off and it has been 2.5 years now. I do custom invitations, announcements, logos, calendars and more. It is my heart. I love it. I feel like it defines me and it fills the hole in my heart that was left when I was no longer working my corporate job. I get to be creative and do something that I love. I have said over and over again, especially over these last 3 months, that I would never stop doing it. Ever. End of story.

To try and explain Matt's sermon is hard... there were no notes to follow, just a blank page to write your own. He started by talking about the small things in life that God clearly asks us to give up. Maybe we surrender some things but not the particular things that we just don't feel like giving up. He then went on to talk about Jacob who had a wrestling match with God that lasted all night long, at the end of it God dislocates Jacob's hip. Jacob walked with a limp for the rest of his life. God changed him forever. Sometimes God puts us in really difficult situations with a lot of sorrow and He changes us forever. But, God does this for our own good, he disciplines us so that we can learn to surrender, live with urgency and trust Him. Matt also spoke about his own battle with cancer and how we need to live like you only have 7 days to live. We need to live with urgency. Matt ended it saying that no matter how many days you live, God promises that He will complete the work He started in you. This is just a quick synopsis of the sermon, but I wish I could put you in my heart as I was listening.... just so you could really see how it impacted me. I will post a link if the sermon goes up online.

Before I was laid off, I hated change. I liked being in control. But after I was laid off God took away some of the things that meant the most, he took away my job, my home and the financial freedom that we had. But, through church sermons and devotionals, I was able to understand that it was all a part of the plan for my life. And now my head is in a wiser place, a place where once I understand what God is telling me, I can let go a little easier (I guess it just might take some extra pushing for me to really see what he is telling me).

Since I can only work when the kids are sleeping at night I stay up until 1 am. Last week I stayed up until 1 am every night, except for the two nights I was up until 3 am. Obviously that leaves me tired, cranky and not at 100% the next day. I am use to doing a lot at once and juggling life, so I just keep moving forward. But, I have been feeling like I am failing. Failing at being a great mom, wife and friend. I can only stretch myself so thin. While Mark and I were disagreeing Saturday night, it became obvious that I have not been able to give our marriage the attention it deserves. But all I could say was that there is nothing I can do about it. I have to work, I don't want to give it up and we need the money. Remember, I felt like if you take away my work, I have nothing to define me. And I said it again; I will not give up Creative Nest Designs, never.

God very clearly spoke to me at church today through Matt's sermon. When he spoke about surrendering the things that we don't want to surrender, I thought about my business. When he spoke about God giving Jacob a limp, I understood that God has already put me in difficult and exhausting situations and changed me forever (for the good). When he spoke about living with Holy urgency all I could think about was this blog. And, when he talked about living like you have only 7 days to live, I thought about how I know in my heart I need to be more present with my kids and husband right now. Things are way too difficult to give them less than 100% of me.

So what do you get when you put all that together? What do you get when you put me in the middle of a church bathroom balling in a stall by myself? You get me realizing that I need to give up another thing that I love. I need to give up my business so that I can be there 100% for my family in this hard time and so I can have the urgency to focus on this blog. Just like that. And so I am. God clearly has been speaking to me about this and I can flash back to 10 conversations and obvious signs that I ignored. Signs I pushed back because I didn't want to. So today He found a way to make me sit still and listen so that I could not ignore it any longer. He also promised me that if I did, He would continue the work He started in me.

I guess if you decide to write a blog about living a year of faith, you better expect God is going to make a lot of changes in your life. I definitely know that sometimes God's plans don't make sense (well not at first). It really doesn't make sense to stop making money when you need it desperately. It also doesn't make sense to give up something that you love that doesn't really hurt anyone. I mean I am still a good mom, wife and friend. I have the stamina to keep going and unless God wasn't shaking me, I would have no reason to stop.

So what does this mean for me? I am not totally deleting my company; I am just taking a vacation. For right now I am declaring that this vacation will probably last until end of summer when it's time to start doing lesson planners, Holiday cards and personalized calendars (my most profitable time). Over the next two weeks I will be finishing all projects currently in queue. After that I will only keep one amazing client whom I could never abandon (hi Jamie), maybe do some prayer journals to put on etsy (I am currently getting my first tester bound right now) and do a few parties. That's it. My time will go from 30+ hours a week to maybe 3 hours a week. And then there is this blog. I will have more time to dedicate myself to this blog and reaching others through it. I can get the word out, find time to become a better student of faith and be more thoughtful in what I write. And most importantly, I can be the wife and mother that helps her family through trying times by being available. Because what I am learning is that in the hardest times, sometimes just having the laundry done and the house cleaned, makes everyone feel better. Crazy right? I have never been a real housewife. I also know that having more time to be present with my kids and hubby is what they all need right now. Time to just listen, snuggle at bedtime or sit on the couch and hold hands. And of course, I need to let God work his magic in my life by trusting Him. And when it's time to do Creative Nest Designs full time again, I will be ready! Or maybe God has other plans for my life. We will see. But for now I am calling it a vacation (and to all my faithful clients, thank you, and this is not the end).

Once again, in my year of faith, I am taking a major leap of faith. And so, as I have already said once before, welcome to a new chapter of our lives....

Follow me

Just added a button so you can follow me, I had two people in one day tell me I needed it! Thank you!

Day 58 - Some help and some thanks

I just got back from church and it was probably the most profound church service I have ever had, mainly because it spoke to me so clearly that I cannot ignore it. I need some time to really write about it, so I will save that for tonight so that you can have it in the morning.

I need to ask all my readers to please help me spread the word about my blog, not just for my sake but because I know that it can provide comfort and hope to people who need it right now. The hardest thing about this blog is figuring out how to get the word out. Since it is religious, my usual avenues for blog exposure don't really work. So please tell your friends or maybe a stranger you see that needs a little hope. I also have business cards for the blog and I would be more than happy to send some to you if you email your address to elhajs@aol.com.

Have I said thank you for being a part of my journey? This is definitely the most trying, yet glorifying time in my life. Today in the service the pastor that spoke said that the sorrow of our difficult times always "yields peaceful fruit of righteousness." Amen.

Day 57 - A new lesson

I think one of the lessons I am learning the most right now is about appearance, about the way we appear to other people in certain situations or just the way we are perceived. I have had a grip on this lesson before, but not in this magnitude.

How many times a day do we criticize the actions of others (friends, neighbors, television stars or strangers)? We say, "Why would she do that?", "I think he did that because....", "If I was her I would have done this instead," "What were they thinking?" or "I cannot believe it." I am not going to pretend that I have not inserted my opinion a million times about what other people do and why I think they were wrong or crazy (my nature is to be very opinionated)! I'm not sure that this is something we can necessarily erase from our lives.... but often it is just gossip and here-say. Sometimes we are just being malicious and sometimes we just like to hear ourselves talk without any proof of what we are saying.

Lately I have cared more than I should about the opinions of others. If I am shopping for a necessary item or a gift, I am nervous I will run into someone who reads this blog. Last week Mark and I went on a date and used a gift card, but if someone saw us they would assume that we were having an extravagant dinner. I worry about it all the time, no really, all the time. But here's the thing. My insecurity is teaching me something precious. I can learn to try and let people live their lives without my opinion. I can learn to not question other peoples' motives and I can also learn to give people some breathing room, some understanding and some trust. Basically, I can learn not to be so judgmental, which is a hard lesson for me.

I am worn out from worry so I know it's time for me to stop caring. The road Mark and I are on right now is a long one and if I keep this up, I'm just going to make myself sick. But the lesson is something that I will keep with me. Kind of like the lesson I learned when I said we would never short sale our house, and yet we did. I learned to never say never because you don't know what tomorrow will bring.

"When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." -John 8:7

Day 56 - Lost and found

I just found three bible verses that were hanging in my office at the old house. I forgot about them until I saw one peeking out from under a big pile. I think it would be cool to keep bible verses in groups of different periods of your life so that you can see what you were struggling with and needed reassurance on.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

"... and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the kingdom of God your primary concern." -Matthew 6:33

"He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." -Matthew 17:20

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." -Matthew 7:2

These bible verses were from having to sell my house, having my second baby, transitioning from working mom to stay-at-home mom, learning to live on less and a time of a lot of emotional growth.

On another note, I just want you to know I am praying for you. Praying that God can provide you with whatever it is that you need right now. Maybe it's strength, comfort, resiliency, love or hope. I want you to know that I am here and I care.

Day 55 - My future

Obviously you know the major struggle we have going on in our family right now. It does consume most of our time and effort, but I have been struggling with something else for a while now.

Since I was a little girl, I have always felt that God has told me that I would do big things some day. Not just have a great job or have a beautiful family (which are big things), but really big things. Like epic things. Well, epic in my proportion....I'm not talking about being Oprah or winning the Noble Peace Prize, but definitely reaching big aspirations. I will be turning 31 this year and over the last year I have been feeling extra impatient about doing these "big things." I am starting to doubt my ability, God's ability and the actualization that I could do it. I am also wondering what the heck God could possibly have for me to do? I mean right now I'm a mom and I run a little business. I have less money and less responsibility than I did 3 years ago. How can I be headed anywhere big? Where in the world would I be headed? It just doesn't seem possible anymore. I have lost hope in the promise that God put in my heart years ago and I have lost faith in the possibility that I can do whatever it is. I am just me now and this me just doesn't feel like the me I was before, when I was climbing some kind of ladder.

God, what is going on? Did you change your mind? Did I make it all up? Am I supposed to know what these big things are, because I don't? I remember one church service said that to get where you want to be you need to be able to describe exactly what you want. I can't do that on this topic because I don't know what plans I have felt God has always had for me. I just always knew in my heart that they were there. Here's the thing though, I'm not going to give up all the hope I have, the hope that God will allow me to do big things, whatever they may be. I don't want to lose that feeling in my heart that I have had since I was little girl. I want to keep having faith that God's plans for me are in the works. I know sometimes God will strip you down before he will unleash his plans for you so that you can see it with open eyes and a pure heart.....I am just hoping that is what he is doing with me. And every time (which is all the time) that I feel lost and inadequate I am just going to keep looking forward and reminding myself that it is possible and I can do whatever it is that he has laid out for me. No matter how impossible it feels. I will keep this bible verse attached to my heart:

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Hab. 2:3

Don't give up hope on your dreams either. Just because right now isn't what you thought it would be, doesn't mean that tomorrow or the day after can't be the day to change everything.

Sweet girl

Do you remember little Maddie James that we collected Valentine's for? You can go to the new website for her foundation to read more of her story and to see how you can contribute to her foundation and her legacy.

www.maddiejamesfoundation.org

Day 54- Loving others

Our relationships with other people are always changing and evolving. How can we expect them to stay the same when we don't stay the same? We grow older, change our habits and just... change. Sometimes that means we hit a rocky point in our relationship. Last Sunday's sermon at church was about relationships and hope. It could be for your marriage, family, friends, etc. Here are my notes:

What do you do to turn around a relationship that has hit a rough patch?

1. Thank God for your differences

2. Go to God with your disappointments

3. Trust God with your feelings

4. Ask God for his direction

5. Look to God as your example

- We can't expect people to act or do things only God can do.

- In all relationships you will be hurt or disappointed at some time.

- If you have the courage to turn a relationship around, talk to God first. Ask him to help you with this relationship. Oftentimes he will help provide some tiny miracle to start the healing process.

"If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other." Gal 5:15

"...let us stop just saying we love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions."

1 John 3:18

"Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love."

Eph 4:2

Today

I am still in a bit of a funk. Redecorating the house has perked me up a little but I feel like my soul is still searching for something and I don't know what it is. Am I searching for inspirational words? A connection? Am I needing to be more creative? Do I just need more sleep? Am I in a transitional period that is making me feel a little lost (I don't feel lost on the outside)? Or am I just waiting for something big to happen because I like big things (like having a baby, throwing a party, etc.)? I don't know what it is, but it's been lurking inside of me for a few weeks now and I am definitely feeling it today.

(I find it ironic that I couldn't find any kind of bible verse to go with my "soul searching" mood)

Day 53 - Nothing new

There is nothing new on our home front. Mark is still searching for jobs in case something great comes along. Last week it looked like there might be one or two openings, but somehow by today they have all disappeared. He told me tonight there is absolutely nothing on the pipeline as far as job opportunities. So that's that. But we are still moving full steam ahead with our business and Mark has been putting in a lot of hours trying to accomplish as much as he can. He is working so hard (thanks Mark). I still feel 100% that this is what we should be doing and I would have felt like that even if a job opportunity came along. It's hard to have blind faith and of course I falter from time-to-time, but I feel like we were pointed (okay pushed) this direction with a purpose and I still have faith that it will be amazing in the end.

I think most of my blind faith is with our finances. I see the bank account decline and then suddenly I have money to pay things. I know that God is in charge of all of our needs and I believe that watching what happens over the next year financially is going to strengthen my faith even more. I have never had anything like this happen before; I'm not scared though. I may get nervous at times, but I know that God is using this situation for good and not for harm.

We did get health insurance today (Hallelujah)! It's the small blessings that really make my day. Other than that I am still moving forward with our life as usual. I know that I cannot let fear put everything at a standstill. I also know that if I say that this is part of God's plans and it is exactly what is suppose to happen, then I need to act upon my words. I need my kids to see my strength and my belief in action. I need to keep moving forward with as much determination and perseverance as I can.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Wishing you lots of love and happiness this week.

Day 52 - The Wife of Noble Character

More from my reading of Proverbs. I came across this passage about A Wife of Noble Character and found it really amazing. Obviously it is outdated in its wording, but even so, when you read it you can see how it would apply to be a wife of noble character today.

Proverbs 31:10-31

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.
Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.

Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.
She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.
She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm clothes.

She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.

She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.

Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

Day 51 - More wisdom

If you read this post a few days back, I mentioned that I would be reading Proverbs 19-31 next. Here are some of my favorite verses:

People ruin their lives by their own foolishness
and then are angry at the Lord.

To acquire wisdom is to love oneself;
people who cherish understanding will prosper.

Though good advice lies deep within the heart,
a person with understanding will draw it out.

The glory of the young is their strength;
the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old

People may be right in their own eyes,
but the Lord examines their heart.

The rich and poor have this in common:
The Lord made them both.

Direct your children onto the right path,
and when they are older, they will not leave it.

Don’t wear yourself out trying to get rich.
Be wise enough to know when to quit.
In the blink of an eye wealth disappears,
for it will sprout wings
and fly away like an eagle.

If you fail under pressure,
your strength is too small.

Timely advice is lovely,
like golden apples in a silver basket.

Rumors are dainty morsels
that sink deep into one’s heart.

Don’t brag about tomorrow,
since you don’t know what the day will bring.

Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth—
a stranger, not your own lips.

Wounds from a sincere friend
are better than many kisses from an enemy.

The heartfelt counsel of a friend
is as sweet as perfume and incense.

As iron sharpens iron,
so a friend sharpens a friend.

As a face is reflected in water,
so the heart reflects the real person.

To discipline a child produces wisdom,
but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child.

Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind
and will make your heart glad.

Day 50 - A little crazy

It's funny to say, but sometimes writing this blog makes me feel a little crazy. I think it's because I do expose my emotions every night when I write this, so I have to reflect on my feelings a lot. My true, nitty gritty feelings. I know some of you may wonder why I share so many personal experiences on this blog (depression, short sale, finances, etc.). I do it so that it's real. By sharing my life I can hopefully become a part of yours. I don't want this blog to shower you with perfection. Those blogs are awesome for giving people inspiration for parties, decor, photography or family activities but I don't think it gives people real hope. If I can have enough faith for a full year then maybe I can help you have enough faith just to help you through one really bad day or experience.

So why does writing this blog make me feel crazy? My post yesterday was all about decorating my house. It was about it being okay to care about things while being grateful for what you have. I loved yesterday's post and I am excited about my task. Tonight though, I had a rare silent moment. The baby woke up for some reason and I just cradled him downstairs on the couch in total silence. In my tiny house I could hear my hubby and other two kids stirring. All the lights were off, the wind was howling and I know it was raining outside. I just held my precious baby in the dark and thanked God over and over again for "my husband, my children and a roof over my head." Everything else is really just clutter. I probably thanked him fifteen times. And even though I want so many things right now like more money, things for my kids, a future full of promise, I told God that if things are the same for the rest of my life but I have my husband, children and a roof over my head I will be eternally happy. I truly mean it. There are those moments when everything clears away and you see what really matters. That's it (of course I want to add my family, friends, food, and basic necessities to that list but I think God knows that).

I know that I gain more appreciation for life, necessities and extravagance from these moments. I think you have to strip your life down to the bare bones and see what matters most to you so that you can begin to build yourself back up into a life that will have meaning and purpose. I truly mean what I say, if I have nothing more for the rest of my life but I have my family and a safe place to call home, I will be fine. I can make a fulfilling life with what I have. Of course I hope that I will have a really large beautiful home of my own one day and full bank account to match, but I know that nothing is promised and every day is a gift.

My daily posts may seem crazy in nature and even completely opposite from one day to the next but this is my experience and I'm sticking with it. Living a life of growing faith opens your eyes to the truths in your life and opens your heart to meaning of raw and honest love. I can't wait to see what each day and experience will continue to bring me, even if it makes me feel a little crazy writing about it.

Day 49 - Home and heart

You know when something is just kind of eating away at you, but you keep ignoring it, but then it just nags at you more? That's how I have been feeling about our home.

First, I have to say that the house we are in right now is a blessing from God. Long story made short, when I lost my job we could no longer afford the house that we owned. I was making great money for someone my age and with equal incomes we had everything we needed and more, but when I lost my job, we lost half of our income. I worked for a homebuilder so my job was no longer available anywhere due to the hardship of the industry. Any jobs at that time were paying half of what I had been making and I couldn't get a job to save my life. So after a lot of discussion and a lot of tantrums on my side, we had to short sale our house. There was no possible way for us to pay our mortgage anymore. We had about a week until our escrow was going to close and we still had no place to live. Suddenly a town home was available for rent and by some miraculous intervention we got it and were able to move in right away. I loved that place. It made leaving MY HOME okay because it was bigger and perfect inside (dogs not so much, no yard). Since we were desperate we had to take whatever we could get and the rent was a little high for us but we were making it work. Fast-forward a year later and right before Mark got laid off, it was time to renew the agreement. We were ready to sign, but something wasn't right with us financially and we knew that we had to move again. Once again, we would only have a short time to find something new. In our price range there were only 2 bedroom condos available, which meant no yard and very little room (there are 5 of us and 2 dogs). But, we were willing to go wherever we needed to because any roof was still a roof and we had to move no matter what. When it was down to the wire (again) we found this place we are in now. It was to the last dollar of what we had declared was the most we could pay. It's still small for our family, but it's a house with a yard, my son is at his same school and it's in a great little neighborhood. When we got it, it felt like God patted me on the back and said, "it's going to be okay." When I say this house is a blessing, I mean it to the very extreme. It's a gift. And when Mark got laid off, I realized it was the greatest gift we could have, a gift prepared ahead of time.

So now that you know how I truly feel about the house (grateful), let me explain my nagging feeling. Since we have moved twice in the last two years our furniture isn't meant for this house. We just make everything fit the best we can. The walls are all white which makes it feel cold. I love the house in general but it doesn't feel like my home. I'm actually embarrassed for people to come over only because you can't see the love of my family in it. It's just a space. We are happy here but not settled. Does this make sense? I obviously can't afford to buy anything at all to fix it up, so I just leave it and ignore it. I have picture frames hung, but without the appropriate pictures in them. I have no decorations downstairs. And I don't even try.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we let things eat away at us, things that are important but we ignore them? I mean it may seem superficial, but I think making your home a space with love and comfort is kind of essential. We do it in all areas of our lives, the way we look, the way we dress, what we eat, our feelings and our relationships. We feel depressed about them but we just leave them the way they are because we either don't think we can change them or we are afraid to try.

So as a metaphor for all of us, I am going to decorate my house. I am going to research ideas and ways to change things or add things with no cost (or with pennies). I'm going to do it for myself and for you. I want to use my home to prove that you can redecorate whatever it is in your heart that is nagging you. Whatever is bringing you down and making you feel uninspired and stuck. And I will post pictures. It won't look like a Pottery Barn home, but it will give me some sunshine in my soul and hopefully a little hope in your soul too. If God can provide me a house, I can make it a home. So stay tuned.

"The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way... Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!" 2 Cor 6:12-13 (Mes)

(This verse came from a sermon titled "Will I Make Room for Jesus?" Funny when I'm writing about my home.)

Day 48 - Be kind

Here's the thing... a lot of people are struggling right now. A LOT. Like I said, we have been struggling for quite awhile, but right now is the hardest time yet. Sometimes we don't know that others are struggling around us. I mean who wants to walk up to someone and say, "Hey, I am having a really hard time, but let's be friends"? I know I would rather people didn't know that we are struggling financially (which by the way is pretty hard with a public blog, especially when the web address is on the signature of your emails). I wish I could pretend everything was perfect, but I can't and I won't.

I made a new friend back in September (she is one of those friends who got the "pretty genes"). When I met her she was always dressed nice for work and from the outside I was picturing her perfect world with her adorable kids and her big house. I just assumed that she had everything. Do you know why we are friends now? Because for some reason we had great chemistry and almost immediately shared our lives with each other. Here I was embarrassed to tell her where we were living and our financial situation, but I did. It turned out she has been in the exact same situation as us. We have so much in common. Our friendship started off based on trust and understanding and if we wouldn't have had the courage to be honest with each other, we probably wouldn't still be friends (my friend moved away), but we are.

Not everyone is struggling financially; some are struggling emotionally and physically too. I have friends that are struggling in all arenas of life. We have landed on particularly hard times. I think that people need to be more authentic with each other and need to be more considerate of others. It goes back to the fact that your actions affect others, in a positive or negative way. We should think about the things we say, write on Facebook, how we interact with others, etc. I often put my foot in my mouth, but I am trying to change. I find that maybe we need to give others a little lead-way when they are obviously having a bad day. Or even if we are having a bad day(s), find time to be there for someone else. The only way we are going to get through these hard times is with each other. And if you are too busy trying to pretend that everything is perfect, you are going to miss out on real friendships (you are probably making someone else feel pretty crappy about themselves too). Imperfections make you unique. Struggles make you human. It's okay to show that you are vulnerable. People need that.

If you need me to pray for you I am here. You can email me at elhajs@aol.com anytime and I will add you to my prayer list.

Day 47 - Overwhelmed

If you falter in a time of trouble,
how small is your strength! Proverbs 24:10

I'm under a lot of pressure right now and my to-do list is so long. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I cannot catch up and every day I just become more behind than the day before. It's discouraging. I'm not sure how to get out of it because things keep building up. Right now I am just trying to take things one day at a time. Can anyone relate to this?

"Don't worry about anything; instead , pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He had done. " Phil. 4:6

Day 46 - No plan is kind of a plan

A lot of people have asked me, "what's your plan?" We don't have a plan. If we did I would have it typed, framed and hanging in every room in the house, because I love plans. I mean I guess if I had to say what our plan was, it would be for Mark and I to both work as hard as we can to make money. I think that's kind of obvious though. It's hard to have a plan when we are starting our own business where income is a variable because months and months of work needs to be put in first. My own design business is based on need and I have no idea what needs will arise for my clients every month. So we have no plan, technically. Right now we are 100% living on faith. Seriously. I cannot think of a time in our lives where we were living this much on faith. Here's the thing though, I have a less worry. I more veer towards hope than worry. I have hope that we can get a decent tax return to add to our bank account. I have hope that I will continue to get clients. I have hope that things will work out exactly the way they should. We are completely in God's hands right now and that's not such a bad place to be. We have kind of surrendered to God and seeing where it takes us. It's very humbling.

This is from today's daily devotions, "Faith means doing exactly what Jesus says to do." I'm on it!

Day 45 - Wisdom for your heart (on Valentine's Day)

Happy Valentine's Day! Here are some words of wisdom for your heart! Our pastor asked us to read through Proverbs daily. I managed to skip a few days so I spent some time this weekend catching up. I went through Proverbs 10-18 and here are some of my favorite verses:

Hatred stirs up quarrels,
but love makes up for all offenses.

Too much talk leads to sin.
Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

Pride leads to disgrace,
but with humility comes wisdom.

The godliness of good people rescues them;
the ambition of treacherous people traps them.

It is foolish to belittle one’s neighbor;
a sensible person keeps quiet.

A beautiful woman who lacks discretion
is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.

Give freely and become more wealthy;
be stingy and lose everything.

The seeds of good deeds become a tree of life;
a wise person wins friends.

Fools think their own way is right,
but the wise listen to others.

Lazy people want much but get little,
but those who work hard will prosper.

Pride leads to conflict;
those who take advice are wise.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.

Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children.
Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.

A wise woman builds her home,
but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.

Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can fully share its joy.

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart,
but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.

People with understanding control their anger;
a hot temper shows great foolishness.

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body;
jealousy is like cancer in the bones.

Godliness makes a nation great,
but sin is a disgrace to any people.

If you listen to constructive criticism,
you will be at home among the wise.

We can make our own plans,
but the Lord gives the right answer.

Commit your actions to the Lord,
and your plans will succeed.

Kind words are like honey—
sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,
but dwelling on it separates close friends.

Intelligent people are always ready to learn.
Their ears are open for knowledge.

I like to use Biblegateway.com to look up and read verses because I like being able to change translations. I used NLT while reading these chapters. I will finish with 19-31 later this week!

Day 44 - No help

Disappointment happens. Feeling alone happens. And, sometimes they happen together. When I started writing this blog I reached out via email to a couple of pastors for help. I just felt like I needed someone like a pastor to be my mentor, whom I could reach out to in case I couldn't answer an email correctly or didn't know how to write about something. I probably wanted some kind of validation. But they were either unable to help or I received no response from them. I felt let down, disappointed and alone.

But here's the thing, I don't need anyone's validation. God has provided me with an outlet to reach others, how does a pastor fit into this equation? I also have amazing people in my life to go to for advice or inspiration. That's all I need. I might have been hurt, but now that I am at Day 44, I know that it's okay to go down this road alone. It's part of my journey. And God, not a pastor will help see me through it. He will do it with my blog and with my life.

I know we all feel disappointment. We are going through something big and we don't have the support that we think we need or deserve. But maybe sometimes that is just a sign that you don't have enough faith in your ability to do it yourself. Remember from a few days ago, "God sees in you what you don't see in yourself." At the beginning I didn't think I could care for this blog on my own and I didn't trust in my ability to do it. I doubted myself. But now after 44 days I can see that I can do this, I have the ability, the resources and the support to do it myself. God knew this and now I do too.

I hope in whatever situation you are in, you can see the same thing. You can do it even if you don't believe in yourself. Have faith in the abilities that God gave you and just keep moving forward.

Day 43 - Tables were turned

God does have a good sense of humor. Yesterday I wrote about how I have a curiosity about God like a 5 year old and I have a lot of questions. Today, when I basically told the kids that it was mandatory "quiet time" in the car (hey, I had a long day), my sweet little 5 year old boy said he wanted to ask me one more question. I seriously almost said no because my head was about to explode from so much noise all day long, but I didn't. His first question was, "does our soul ever die?" His second question was, "Will I be a daddy when you die?" His third question was, "if we pray for God, shouldn't we pray for Angels too?" His fourth questions was, "Where do angels live." His fifth question was, "Will you be an angel when you die and will you look down on me." And, his sixth question was, "if we don't pray for God but we pray to God, can we still pray for the angels?" I think there were about 10 smaller sub-questions in there too, but this was the basis of our conversation. I did a good job answering them and he seemed satisfied. I did cry when I was explaining that he would be a grandpa when I die but that I would be an angel who would always watch over and help protect him and that he could feel me in his heart. In the end though it was sweet and I got a good chuckle because I know God was trying to tell me a few things , maybe he liked my post yesterday and wanted me to know.

Day 42 -Curiosity

I have a lot of questions about how God works, about certain principles that we follow, about how I am suppose to do things related to my faith. The more my relationship with God grows the more confused I get. I remind myself of a 5 year old who wants to know how everything works and talks a mile a minute to try and understand as much as I can. I remember recently calling my dad asking him a list of like 100 questions that I think I had saved up for someone to answer. I probably should have warned him first (he did great though). Some of my questions have been about God's will vs. going and making things happen, or God's will vs. asking for something specific, God's role when bad things happen, etc. I mean the list can really go on and on. But here's the thing, I may have more questions but I also don't need to have more answers. Why? Well my faith is growing stronger and I trust in God, more than ever before. I may be more curious, but I don't need to know the how's and the why's in my everyday life. Why is this happening to me? How am I going to get through this? Of course I feel sorry for myself sometimes, but all in all I know that there are blessings on the horizon and I know this because God has told me through prayer and in my heart. I trust those feelings. I hope that I will be able to study the bible more as time goes on and get the answers to so many of my questions.... but I also know that some of my questions will never be answered. Well, maybe in Heaven, but in that case I hope God gives us each some special time so I can bring my list with me.

Day 41 - Our life right now

Did you ever see the movie Garden State? Mark and I love that movie. There is a part in it where Natalie Portman is looking at Zach Braff and she says, "You are in it." The context of this is that he was really working things out in his head about the death of his mother, his identity and his life. I like to steal that phrase when I can tell that people are really in the center of a trying time, when they are really trying to untangle things in their life or when they are deeply concentrated on the changes going on right now.

Mark and I "are in it" right now. I feel like we are in the center of the chapter of our life where he gets laid off and then we build our business. We have waded through a lot of muck and we have reached the center where everything is tangled and chaotic, but where you know you are halfway there so you have the energy to keep going. Our life right now is in survival mode. Mark is putting in full days trying to juggle starting our company and doing side work for someone else. My days are full of schedules and commitments, then working at nights and trying to keep our life managed. Weekends are basically timelines with places we have to be and things we have to do. And then it's Monday and we start all over again.

With weeks like that I am really trying to get rid of the worry and the anxiety. It helps lessen the load. I know that God will provide all of our basic needs and if we can get through this whole year with that, I will be grateful. I know that the financial road ahead of us will be trying, but hopefully it's preparing us for years of financial blessings.

I think the hardest part right now is having the time for rest. With a crazy schedule and three kids we don't get a lot of quality time, which makes us bicker more because we both have so much going on. I know that this is temporary and that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel as long as we try our best. We are both committed to our life together and we love each other. We make a great team! I pray that what we are going through right now will be another hurdle that makes us stronger, it always does. And that we can keep on laughing even when we want to cry.

So if you are praying for us (and thank you) please pray for blessings on our business, our stamina and our relationship....and maybe for a little rest every now and then.

Day 40 - Loneliness

Isn't it funny that you can have a house full of people and still feel lonely? Or you can be completely by yourself and feel full of love and joy. I don't get it. But obviously loneliness isn't only about your physical state but about the state of your heart and soul as well. I have a full house so I don't experience the physical act of loneliness often. I do experience the spiritual and emotional state though. Loneliness usually ebbs and flows with my stress level. The more stress I feel, the more I isolate myself and hold in my frustration and worry. Suddenly I not only feel alone but I feel alienated. The worst part is that I do it to myself!

When I was reading old notes I saw ones specifically about loneliness and how God can relieve it because He is always with us. All we need to do is to trust him....

~ Trust Him to help us out

~ Trust Him to calm us down

~ Trust Him to fill us with hope

~ Trust Him to see us through

Loneliness rarely travels alone. It's always accompanied by other emotions like fear, anxiety, worry, abandonment, shame and hurt (I'm sure we could list a lot more). Any of these sound familiar? These are all emotions that can be calmed with FAITH. If we have FAITH that there is a purpose and a reason, then we can keep moving forward with confidence and HOPE. The more confidence and HOPE we have, the easier it is to choose JOY. The more JOY that we have, the less lonely we feel.

So what do we do when we feel lonely? We need to put our TRUST in God, that he will get us through whatever physical or emotional state we are in and then we need to choose to have JOY in our daily life.

"I will lie down in peace and sleep, for though I am alone, O Lord, you will keep me safe." Psalms 4:8

Day 39 - Going against the norm

"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Romans 12:2

a box of love

I just read this blog post. Expect tears when you read it. I am collecting Valentine's to send in a big box to Maddie. Please email me at elhajs@aol.com to contribute any Valentine's from your child or little goodies from you.

I have to admit, stories like these rattle my faith a little bit. How can something so devastating happen. But I know that there are things that I will never understand......

Day 38 - My weakness and my strength

More of my story.

When I turned 17 my life changed forever. All of a sudden I was crying all of the time and I had an emptiness and sadness I couldn't control. I felt new emotions like panic and irritability. I had the perfect life and perfect home and I didn't have anything to be upset about, but I was so intensely sad. It engulfed me. I am so lucky that my parents didn't discount it as teenage angst when I told them how I felt. They helped me find a therapist even though they didn't understand what was going on (thank you Mom & Dad). That act alone probably saved my life. I had depression, real, in the brain depression. Over the next two years I saw a therapist and he was there through the bumps and the crossroads, because there are enough of those just being a teenager, let alone having depression too. He would let his clients page him if there was an emergency...I was so depressed sometimes that I did that and he talked me through it (thank you Ray). I was also very involved in church and my high school small group; I had another safe place to be myself (thank you Kathleen).

By the time I went away to college I understood the patterns of when I was sinking. It might take a few days to see what was wrong, but I had the tools to pull myself out. And I made it. I would also call my parents when it was really bad and just cry, somehow they knew just to let me cry. They always validated the way I felt. I was living with it and I was still happy.

On one particular night I watched an episode of ER where Dr Green died on the beaches of Hawaii from cancer. It was the saddest things I had ever watched. My mind started "dreaming" and I lost it, I'm sure I was imagining how I would feel if my mom or dad died or what it would be like to have to say goodbye if it was you. I don't know, but I was so sad that in seconds I was in a full-blown depression like I had never experienced. I was literally in the fetal position sobbing. All I can tell you was that I saw black. That was the darkest moment of my life. I was in a black hole and couldn't get out. I'm sure I had been depressed days before, but this trigger was intense. The only things that got me through it were calling my parents, not being alone (thanks Mark) and that I had remembered my therapist explaining to me once that those episodes don't last forever and so I finally closed my eyes and went to sleep. When I woke up it was over. I have had little episodes like this happen, especially in college, or my depression just visits me every now and then and I know how to work with it, but never like that night. Well, until two nights ago. Different trigger and different situation but I felt pain I never could have imagined. It was different this time because I am different now. But, my mind literally put me in a place where the situation was happening to me with all the details and decisions. I felt hopeless. I sobbed. It was "in it." I finally woke Mark up and he kind of talked me out of it (love you Mark) and I fell asleep again. When I woke up, it was over. This is part of my depression. I can't help it. This is me.

Why am I telling you this? What am I sharing something so personal with you? Something that is considered shameful in our culture? Because, I am not ashamed of it. I have nothing to hide. A lot of people may be surprised to find this out about me, but there are a lot of people who know. They know because I told them. Why did I tell them? I told them to help. When my friend Alex took his life and no one understood how someone could do such a thing.... I understood. I have been in that dark hole. When I hear people say they think suicide is selfish, I let them know that mental health is something you cannot have an opinion on if you don't understand it. In most cases people who commit suicide are in that dark hole, a place with so much pain that you can feel it in every crease in your body... and they do not have the tools to get out. Their pain is so deep they cannot focus on the people they love or their future, they just need it to stop. I have been able to give guidance to family members or friends of other victims who do not understand. I have also helped two dear friends whose children began to be consumed with depression. I shared my story and helped them help their kids. My biggest flaw has become my strength. It was never a flaw to begin with. Through my faith I know that this is not a burden that I carry alone. God sees me through it each time and has turned it into a blessing. I can help others. It also gives me the ability to feel deeply. I physically and emotionally hurt when others are hurting. It allows me to be empathetic and authentic. I would not change this part of my life or what I have been through because it is who I am.

My depression is my strength and also my weakness.

We all have stories, hurts, things we believe are flaws that we bottle up inside. But God can take any of those things and turn them into blessings too. It doesn't mean it will fix everything, but it does mean that it can be part of our purpose and it can grow our faith.

And that is part of my story.

Day 37 - Mind and heart

It's hard to change, I know this firsthand and I also know that it is a process. I am assuming that this process takes a lifetime. I am hoping that when I am a little old lady and I know my time is about to come, that I will be proud of the life I have lived and who I was at the end of the journey. I hope I am full of wisdom and peace.

I know I am changing right now and I have been for a while. I can feel my confidence building, peace in my heart and I can feel myself making decisions based on the principles of the bible. My attitude on life has changed. I am becoming less concerned about my needs and more concerned for others. I see that I am caring less about the approval of people who are not good for me. I like these changes and even though they are happening slowly and in small increments, their impacts are profound.

One thing I have noticed is that you cannot change just your heart or just your mind; you need to do both. Sometimes I see people who are going through extreme hardships and they say they have changed but when they speak their words still sound the same. They are still anger, bitter or selfish. Their mind has changed but the heart hasn't yet (or vice versa). It's hard to grow when you are in conflict with yourself. That's why I go to church; somehow through sermons and readings, I see how to fix both my heart and my mind. It's like chicken soup for my soul.

I still have a long way to go. I am controlling, a know-it-all and I don't like to be told what to do. I still have some hurt in my heart that I need to let go of. But, I have changed so much. I know a lot are growing pains; I am maturing and seeing the world and my priorities differently. I know a lot is God working in me and my openness to change and to obey. A huge part is my attitude. If I try and look for the positive in everything I find so much more to be grateful for. Right now while we are struggling financially I am more thankful than ever for the roof over our heads and the health of our family.

I think that what I am trying to covey is that if you are feeling lost and you need hope in your life or if you are trying to change because you keep getting in your own way, just remember that you have to be willing to change your mind and your heart. You have to be willing to change your attitude. This means you will have to do things that make you uncomfortable, let go of hurt, be held accountable for your decisions and make others a priority. You will have to open wounds and listen intently. You have to be willing to actually apply what you learn at church in your life. We are all imperfect and selfish because we are human, but we also all have a chance to have a wonderful and amazing life no matter how much or little we have. But it’s all up to us. It’s up to your attitude.

"Be made new in the attitudes of your minds." Ephesians 4:2

"Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is evil. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." Romans 12:9-10

Day 36 - Voices

Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark. -Rabindranath Tagore

Weave in faith and God will find the thread. -Author Unknown

Faith is believing that the outcome will be what it should be, no matter what it is. -Colette Baron-Reid

Life without faith in something is too narrow a space to live. -George Lancaster Spalding

A man of courage is also full of faith. -Marcus Tullius Cicero

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. -Khalil Gibran

We are twice armed if we fight with faith. -Plato

Day 35 - A mighty name

When I was pregnant with my third baby and we found out it was a boy we had a really hard time coming up with a name. One name that I really liked was Gideon. I had just been introduced to the story of Gideon in the bible (Judges 6-7). I loved that Gideon said to God, "How can I rescue Israel? My clan is the weakest in the whole tribe of Manasseh, and I am the least in my entire family!” Here Gideon is the weakest in his family and in his community, yet God chose him to save the Israelites. I wanted a strong name for my youngest child, so that he would also know that he could do anything, even being the smallest and the youngest. I do not ever want him to feel like he lives in his brother's shadow. I love that in my notes when talking about the example of Gideon I said, "God sees in you what you don't see in yourself." Those are powerful words. God saw a great leader and servant in Gideon and Gideon obeyed in complete faith.

So when you are faced with a mountain you do not think you can climb or a sign that God wants you to accomplish something you never would have chosen for yourself, remember that God already knows that you can do it, even if you do not. We did not end up naming our son Gideon, but in my eyes the name Gideon will always be a part of his story. I know my little guy will be a mighty warrior and I will always remind him that God has big plans for him, even if he can't see them.

I hope God sees all the things in me that I am worried about right now.

Day 34 - Being authentic

A particular theme has appeared in my life a few times lately.

Last week a friend sent me a link to a video of a researcher speaking on the human connection. I want to share some of the notes I took from this on a later post, but this blog post is about something she mentioned that was very brief. She said, "We pretend that what we do doesn't have an affect on people. We do that in our personal lives, we do that corporate, whether it's a bailout, oil spill, a recall."

When Mark was laid off they did it 3 weeks before Christmas. His boss called him and immediately put the HR guy on the line. It was all business during that layoff. His boss never called afterward to say anything. He never personally contacted Mark again. I don't think it could have been colder. Of course he worked for a big company and I am sure that there are strict instructions about layoffs in fear of being sued. However, everyone is afraid of everyone and no one could speak up and say that it is inappropriate to lay someone off right before Christmas. I'm sorry, it is. No budget line item should be worth that. And although they said to him that it wasn't personal, it was. It was very personal. It still is personal. I'm not angry about it, but there needs to be a little humanity when you are laying someone off. Maybe just an "I'm sorry" or maybe just some compassion with timing.

When I received the email that I did not get the job I interviewed for, it was from one of the women I spoke with on my phone interview. It was a generic email that was most likely used to respond back to people who submitted their resumes but did not get an interview. It said, "At the present time no position is available that would utilize your skills and experience." There was more to the email, but obviously during the interview we discussed at great length all of my skills and experience that matched the job description. This was not a personal email or even an appropriate follow up letter. I don't know how much more impersonal it could be. I understand that she is busy, but to take 3 extra minutes to send an email that says, "Thank you for taking the time to interview with us. It was a pleasure to get to know you. Unfortunately we have filled the Marketing Manager position but we wish you much success in your future endeavors" would have made me feel completely different. Those words took me 10 second to write. The generic and not applicable email made me feel really unimportant.

We have all fallen on hard times. People need compassion. People need connection. I know my examples are job related, but these things happen every day. We do something for ourselves but do not acknowledge that someone may have been hurt. All people want is to feel like they are important enough for your time and like the researcher said in the video, people just want you to be authentic with them.

How can we be more authentic with people? I looked through some old notes and Googled "bible verses about being compassionate" online. Here are some that I found:

"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble." 1 Peter 3:8

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

"Everything you do must be done with love." 1 Cor. 16:14

"Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love." Eph. 4:2

"...By his faith, Noah showed that the world was wrong, and he became one of those who are made right with God through faith." Heb 11:7b

I am not proclaiming to be good at this, but I am trying to be more aware of it. It's not easy and I know that I fail at it often but I am going to try harder to be authentic and to acknowledge how my actions affect others. I am going to take the extra time when I respond to someone. Maybe if we all try a little harder to acknowledge that our actions affect others, we can begin to stand up for the things (big or small) that do not seem right. We all face situations at work, at home, in groups of friends, and in our community where we can be more compassionate. Where we can be the example of how being authentic can make everyone feel more connected. We can make a difference in everything that we do.

Day 33 - A new chapter in our story

It's amazing that Mark was laid off two months ago, and even with A LOT of help from friends and family, he has not found a job. I guess amazing isn't really the right word because we knew how hard it would be. I haven't had any luck over the last few years, but I haven't been actively looking. But for Mark we had decent leads from the beginning and because he is in a specialized field we really thought he would find something by now. What's worse it that there is nothing going on. No recruiters calling, no new job opportunities, it's pretty silent. Okay it's eerie!

February 1st was the day that Mark and I had declared as our personal cutoff date. We said that if he had not found a job by then (hello it was yesterday!) that we would move forward in doing something ourselves. I know I have mentioned this a little bit already. Of course, Mark and I started things moving before our cutoff day because we had a feeling that nothing was going to happen and we both hate just waiting for things.

Did you know that my dad is in the same kind of sales as Mark is? In fact that is how Mark made the transition into the industry. While growing up my dad owned his own company and when I went to college he sold it and went to work for the company that purchased it. Can you believe that through some conversations we realized that we could in fact use my dad's company name and kind of re-start his business? So I am currently in the process of setting up a business that already means the world to me, a business that is close to my heart. I can't explain how sentimental that is to me.

So that is where we are right now. We are just moving forward. It's really scary because we know that this company will not be able to provide us any income for at least 6 months and probably much longer. We have already cut back on bills a number of times and we keep getting larger monthly expenses like insurance and such. But, I have faith that we can make it work, Mark already has the wheels in motion for some side work. I have faith that this is in fact part of the plan. After all, we never would have done this on our own, but Mark losing his job gave us the push. God is providing us something that was stable and true throughout my entire childhood. My heart tells me that this is exactly where we are supposed to be. It can't explain how overwhelming it is, but I know we can do it. I have faith in my husband, myself, the guidance of my father and the help from Mark's colleagues.

Welcome to a new chapter of our lives....

Day 32 - Faith in something

The only good thing about getting the stomach flu/food poisoning (not sure which one) was that I got to sleep for an entire day and watch a whole disc of Glee last night. One episode was about God and faith, or the lack of faith for some. At one point one of the glee members told a nonbeliever that even if he didn't believe in God he needed to have faith in something that he couldn't hear, see or touch to get him through the hard times. Something about that touched me. I have readers who do not have the same faith as me but part of this blog isn't just about having faith in God, but having faith in yourself, in humanity and in the heart. Of course I want to share my love for God with everyone, but I also want to share how important the word faith is to me and I hope that my blog can inspire you to have faith in your life, however you should find it.

Just a quick post and back to bed for me.