Day 272 - A not-so-secret of mine

There is something I want to talk about, mostly because I want it documented as a part of my life of faith.  When we had our first baby, a gorgeous little boy, we said that we only wanted one more. When the ultrasound of the second baby showed us a girl, we thought we were done. We even gave away all our son's old baby clothes, we were that sure. That feeling changed the day my daughter was born. As soon as I held her and oohed and ahhed about how amazing she was, I told my husband that I wasn't done having kids. It wasn't a thought; it was an intense feeling that came over me. I will never forget that moment. He laughed, but I knew in my heart that our chapter of having babies was not over. I was not ready to close that book. And so twenty-one months later another boy was born. Three kids to fill my heart, but this time it seemed like that chapter had closed because they tied my tubes (with my permission) during my c-section. After my first c-section I had a lot of scar tissue, which made it more difficult after each following c-section and they never knew what they would run into until they started the surgery. My third c-section was scary because my doctor had recommended that I stop at two, I was in tears going into it (plus he was pretty early), and so being blessed with three kids, I decided that I should not take any more risks and I allowed that chapter to close, or at least I thought it was closed.

As soon as I got home with baby #3 I felt that feeling again, the feeling that there is another spot to fill in our little family. A feeling that there is room for one more. I think about it all the time and I talk about it all the time. That feeling is very present in my life, especially when I see a mom with four children. However, I cannot carry another baby, which makes the whole feeling based on faith. I have left this chapter in God's hands, telling Him that I love my three babies and if our family is complete I will be content and happy forever. But, if there is a child out there made just for us, I will be waiting for that little miracle and I will be open to however he or she comes. I feel like God has put that intense longing into my heart for a reason. Maybe it has nothing to do with my little family or adding to it someday, but I feel like God has some kind of plan for me and I want to remember that I was waiting for that plan long before it happened. It is all in His hands.

Day 271 - It's your choice

There is no doubt that God has been good to us. Every situation's emotion is dependent on the way that you perceive it. It's all about your attitude. I choose to be joyful and grateful for everything that we do have, instead of curse God for what we have lost. I choose to be hopeful in all of our possibilities instead of wallowing over what we are struggling with. For someone who is highly critical, this has (and still does) take a lot of practice, but it's worth it. It's worth it to see how lucky we are. I am thankful for the people God has carefully placed in our lives over the years that have come together as a village, whether they know it or not, to help take care of us. I am thankful that somehow we still have a roof over our heads and everything that we need, we should be worse off by now. I am thankful that God has softened my heart over the last three years so that I can handle situations that used to send me over the edge. God has been working in me for quite awhile now, in fact I realize He has been working on me since I was a little girl going to Sunday school. And, although of course I struggle daily with being positive all of the time or being patient, I can see how far I have come and I can be proud of the person God is molding.

I know that things are getting better, maybe at a snail's pace, but getting better nonetheless. Things have not been easy, and I feel like some of that was on purpose. We did not get into the charter school at the lottery like everyone else, instead God had us wait until the last minute. He blessed us on His time. Everything has been like that. With patience and hope I look towards the future. When I want to cry, instead I ignore my "good jeans" that are worn out and starting to tear. I ignore the list of things that we could use. I glance past the things that would be fixed by now. I am only looking forward waiting for our turn and dreaming of a future where life feels normal again. Maybe normal financially, but it will never be normal emotionally or spiritually, and for that I am forever grateful. You have the ability to decide the emotional tone of your life.

Day 270 - We hope, we wait

It is abundantly clear that God is still teaching us about patience. Mark has been out of town over the last four days for the meeting that I had mentioned and to help at a trade show. That meeting was pushed back over and over again and although he finally got a mini-meeting, nothing concrete was hashed out and we are still sitting in the "fingers crossed" zone. This meeting and all of its delays was a picture perfect snapshot of our last nine months, we hope, we wait, we hope, we wait. But I guess if I look on the bright side of things, we are still hoping, which is far better than a "no." So I am going to take my hope this week and hold it high above my head and wait for some good news. Last night I read that trusting God means we need to have faith that He knows what is best for us, I have had that faith, no matter how frustrated I get.

On another note I know that opportunities often arise that are out of our comfort zone. I am learning to take those opportunities and run with them. It never hurts to try new things and I always tell myself that God sometimes gives us a situation so that we can be a blessing to someone else or someone else can be a blessing to us. Either way it's a win-win situation and I often find that just when I think God is putting me somewhere to bless someone else, it turns out he blesses me with an amazing person instead. I am learning to love the surprises that come from trying something new, especially in a faith-based situation. Be brave and put yourself out there and if you feel scared going into it, pray specifically for the issues that make you feel anxious.

Day 269 - Why are you so afraid?

I am having a bit of anxiety; Mark's meeting keeps getting pushed back. It was supposed to be Sunday morning and here it is Tuesday morning and we are still waiting. When Mark first told me that it was going to be rescheduled I was upset, mostly because I was frustrated. This has been a long time coming. But I heard a very clear voice say to me, "You have little faith" and I instantly changed my outlook and let it all go. God was clearly speaking to me, reminding me of the patience I have learned to have over the last nine months. Last night as the anxiety set in I came across this bible verse:

"He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." -Matthew 8:26 (NIV)

I know I need to remember the power of God's promises and blessings, and I need to be patient with His timing. In my heart I know He is asking me, "Why are you so afraid?" just as I read in the bible verse. Instead of being frozen in my anxiety, I need to keep moving with faith that it will happen at the right time and I need to be okay with that.

Day 268 - Life metaphor and a prayer

Do you remember my friend Deidra? She had this beautiful prayer in an email that she sent me and I fell in love with it instantly.

"I know, O God, that wherever I travel, You will be with me. There is nowhere I can go, no situation I can face, which is outside Your love and strength; and so I commit myself into Your care and keeping on this journey, knowing that at all times I am in Your hands." -(credited to St. David's Episcopal Church in Baltimore, Maryland)  


I am reading The Purpose Driven Life and there is a part that asks how you picture life and the image that comes to mind is your life metaphor. My life metaphor is a journey. I have been calling this year and our financial problems a journey, and recently realized that I see all the days of my life as a journey. A beautiful, difficult, heart-wrenching, exuberant, exhausting, and loving journey. So this prayer kind of rested in my heart and I know it will give me the confidence to keep moving. Thank you Deidra for sharing something so special with me.

Day 267 - My identity lies in my faith

I use to show people my love by giving them gifts, buying them dinner, or giving them some kind of token of appreciation. I put a lot of thought into everything I would purchase, no matter what it was for. I would constantly buy things for my friends, kids, husband, family members, teachers, etc. and if I wasn't showing love by buying something, I was showing it by designing something, whether it was invitations or decorations. Being crafty and making beautiful things was done with love at all times. It takes money to do all of that and not being able to has really put me in a bit of a tailspin. Taking away your main supply of love is a real eye-opener that takes a long time to get use to. Instead of giving, I have to receive. And after I receive, I can't give back. It all goes back to something I have said more than once through this journey; that I feel like my identity was taken away. I feel like life is going against my very nature.

 When I think about how I don't feel like myself and how I cannot do so many things that use to define me, I tell myself that someday I will be back to my old self again, crafting beautiful things, buying gifts and showing my love the way that makes me the most happy. And while I look forward to that again, I have realized that my identity now clearly lies in my faith. That is all I have. Even my clothes are old and worn in, my shoes have holes and blemishes and my computer just sits full of possibilities of beautiful things to do. I have spent the last nine months watching others do all of the things I love and I have seen them flourish in my old areas of identity. God has tied my hands so that there is absolutely nothing I can do but watch, long for it, and then move on. I have had to use my words instead of my talents to show my love. But, when I think about it more, having your identity lie entirely in your faith, even if for a brief period of time is a gift. It may not be a gift in a beautiful bow, but it is a gift nonetheless. I have to love myself for exactly who I am, not what I do. Others have to love me for who I am, not what I can give. There is nothing to hide behind, there is nothing extravagant, and there is nothing unique; all I can be is the true shell of who I am when you take away the things that we often hide behind. My faith is my strength, my faith is my identity and my faith is my love.


 

Day 266 - The next step is His call

Every now and then I surprise myself, I look at the way I react to a situation and I think, "Wow, I have come a really long way." In particular I look at the meeting Mark is about to have and realize what a huge deal this is. We have known about it for around six weeks and I feel like we have an infinite amount of hope and faith invested in it. My mind initially says three things when I think about the meeting, "We need this," "It might not happen," and "If this is God answering our prayers I am ready and if not I can be patient even longer." Financially we need this right now, although I probably have said that more than once and he has sustained us this long. I am also a realist and I keep telling myself that there is a good chance this will not work out, we have had our hopes bundled in a few baskets already this year and none of them fell through. But, most of all I am at peace that it either happens or it doesn't and I know that God will fulfill his promises when it's time and it's only up to Him if it is time yet. My faith understands that I cannot control, dictate or will something to happen on my own. Other than prayer, it is completely out of my hands. And to be honest, God has clearly been working in our lives on this particular journey so I don't want any other ending than the one He has already prepared for us at the start. This exact moment in our life is not about being in a financial crisis or losing our prior identity, although from the exterior that is what you see. This moment is about God literally transforming our lives, testing us and allowing us grow and blossom more than we ever could have imagined. Other than our finances, everything else has flourished. So, while I am more than ready to have a financial foothold again (it has been harder than I could ever express in words), I am also faithful enough to be patient and to know that the next step is His call. I never felt as strongly about that as I do now. I may be eating an extra cookie or two in anticipation, but I am really at peace and just eager to know what the answer is.

Day 265 - Hopeful

Hi friends! Today's post will be short and sweet. Mark has an important meeting in the next few days and I am asking for prayers before you head into your weekend. Please then email me at elhajs@aol.com with your personal prayer request so that I can make sure to pray for you as well. I have faith in the possibility that this meeting will be the one that turns everything right side up again.

"A faithful man is richly blessed." -Proverbs 28:20

Day 264 - I've let go

I know I have mentioned this before but one of the things that I have really had to let go of is what we eat. I used to try new recipes all of the time and in general our meals were really healthy. I would meal plan at the beginning of the week and I had the luxury of going to the grocery store whenever I wanted to and I could buy anything that I needed. I never saw this as a luxury though. Following recipes does not exist in our life right now. I simply cannot stop in at the grocery store to pick up certain vegetables or spices. Following a recipe can be expensive and we don't have any grocery money. Unless it is a meal that requires five items that I already have, we don't make it. We eat frozen food or pre-prepared food, a lot of pasta and a lot of fresh fruit from Costco. We try our best to give the kids balanced meals with what we have and we are so fortunate to have as much food as we do and that people have provided all of it for us. We are able to go to Costco and fill up a basket with so many wonderful things! I am not complaining one bit because we have been so blessed. I also think it has opened my eyes to this culture where the mom who makes the best meals and does the most awesome stuff wins. I was a part of that culture, I tried to be that mom, but I simply have no choice now and I am okay with it. I salute moms who create a healthy lifestyle and cook for their family every night, however I no longer glance at the mom who treats it as a competition, which may have been me a year ago. My kids are healthy, we have made it work and life has gone on just as it did before.

So here is what I am trying to say; first, when you go to the grocery store and fill up your cart with food for your family thank God for the bounty that you have and the money that He has provided. That shopping list is a blessing. It is a luxury. There are people in our same situation who have not been carried through by others like we have. I don't know how they feed their family; honestly I cannot afford food on my own. Secondly, do the best that you can. Cooking and feeding your family is so important. Good, healthy and fresh foods are key, but it should be done with love and joy. If cooking is your passion, then enjoy what you love! If not, do not feel the need to be the best all the time. You do not need to compete with other moms or dads. Find what works best for you and your family (and I mean this in every category, not just cooking). Getting into the grove of your own life and who God intended you to be is like a breath of fresh air. And, when times are tough, it's okay to let go, even of things you were passionate about. It does not define you and when times are right again, you will make it back and probably with a lot more thankfulness and a new impression.

Day 263 - The power of a friend

I had an entirely different post planned for today, but that all changed when I read an excerpt from the book Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo.


"I thought of the times where the Scripture says that God answered the prayers, not of the sick or dying, but of the friends of the sick or dying- the paralytic, for example. It was when Jesus saw the faith of the man's friends that he told the paralytic, "Get up, take your mat and go home.""


The author is referring to this scripture:

"Jesus climbed into a boat and went back across the lake to his own town. Some people brought to him a paralyzed man on a mat. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralyzed man, “Be encouraged, my child! Your sins are forgiven.” -Matthew 9:1-2 (NLT)


I often wonder if my prayers make a difference. How does my faith impact someone else's problems? I pray a lot for other people, over and over again, and it seems so unlikely that my prayers can change anything. And yet, sometimes when I have been praying for someone continuously and their situation is improving I feel hopeful that maybe my prayers worked. The passage in the book and the verse really renewed my faith in prayer. That the faith of a friend can cause God to create miracles. The power of prayer is not just something you say you will do, it's something you really do with hope and intention that God will see your faith and bless it. Amazing. Renewing. That is grace.

Day 262 - Homework

I really loved Brody's homework for Sunday School last week:
"Sometimes the best way to exercise our faith is to speak positive words of faith and blessing to someone. It would pump you up if a parent told you, “You are going to succeed in school, God will be with you every day and you are going to make a big difference in this world!” YOU have that power to exercise your faith and bless others with your words. This week, speak or write words of blessing to a family member and see what a difference it can make in their lives."

Even though this lesson is meant for 1st-6th graders, it is a great reminder for the rest of us, especially parents. Our words of faith carry so much power behind them. I think we should all do this homework and bless family members, friends, acquaintances or strangers and try to make a positive impact in their lives.

On another note, I was given a scholarship to join a local MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) program thanks to a dear friend and a very accepting program. To be honest, I have never planned on joining but when the opportunity came up, how could I say no? I start next Tuesday. A little more God during the week will be awesome and it will help me to prepare to speak at a MOPS in December. I am learning to say yes to God and to try new things. However I do have to say that many of the new things I have been saying yes to are uncomfortable for me and have been hitting a little too close to a conflict that I have tried to stay away from. But what I am learning is that God is leading the way, not me, and I keep reminding myself that he has plans to prosper me, not to harm me and that none of this is a coincidence. I am acting on faith instead of fear and accepting what He sends me way. I never would have had this much confidence before this journey. A new season of my life is emerging.

Day 261 - He turned on the sun

I must have had a lot of tension and stress built up because the minute I sat in church yesterday and started singing, I felt everything lift away. I needed to be there. I also have a crying problem that sneaks up on me at any moment and in any location. Yesterday it was at church and it took my whole being to stop. I wasn't sad about anything, I just think that I am always overcome with emotion when I witness something bigger than me, or something I can relate to. It can be very inconvenient but it's just the way I have always been. Being at church yesterday was a great day for me and I feel that way almost every Sunday, it energizes me.

Last week was not very eventful in nature but I feel like it was a turning point for us. Brody made it through his first full week at a new school and despite some sadness missing his old school, every day got better. Piper fractured her elbow and is wearing a pink cast and proved that she is a girl who doesn't let anything get in her way. And, I felt a lot of extra joy in watching my baby Madden mature and fill my life with extra light. Our business had a little extra money come in and I had an opportunity to do something different and make a little cash on Saturday night. Plus we received another unexpected gift from God and from family. I don't know how to explain it but I can feel God working in our life and I feel like He has turned on the sun and put a little hope and joy in our hearts. We have a lot to be joyful about for the next few weeks since my best friend is in town and we are getting very close to Mark's meeting that we hope may turn into a full time job. It's funny how having nothing makes ever dollar and opportunity a blessing. I wouldn't have even turned a cheek at any of these things a few years ago. I don't think that I felt the same sort of joy that I feel now. Losing our financial footing doesn't seem so bad right now.

It feels good to be hopeful. I still have the same stack of bills on my desk, the same worries about paying our necessities but somehow the hope and the joy are just putting a little extra faith in my life. The days are getting sweeter and life seems so much better. Maybe the fog is lifting permanently this time.

 

Day 260 - Thankfulness

This was one of those weeks where I was constantly reminded how lucky I really am. Financial difficulties, while painful and stressful, are no match to the health and well being of my family. I was reminded not just once, but over and over again how fortunate I am that my biggest worries in life are tied to money right now. I know that we will get through this eventually. I know that this is all part of a larger plan. I know that this will in fact make my life better in the end. And so I end this week with thankfulness, not despair.

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." -Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

I feel more like a survivor than a victim. It has been 288 days and over 9 months since Mark was laid off and we are still somehow pulling through each month. Literally by the grace of God and the love of our friends and family. Your life reflects itself in the way that you view it.

Day 259 - Jessie

 

I have posted about Jessica Joy Rees before, but today she needs your prayers more than ever. Yesterday at her 6-month MRI they found that her old brain tumor has gotten smaller, but a new tumor has started growing with it.  She is hoping everyone will double their prayers and that people will join her Facebook page so she can have more prayers warriors. You can also go to her website here to get her updates. Jessie and her family started the The NEGU Foundation (the term NEGU means Never Ever Give Up) and Joy Jars, which are jars filled with joy given to pediatric cancer patients. Please help her fight. Please pray for her.

Day 258 - I just have faith

From the movie The Bucket List:

Carter: It’s called faith.
Edward: I honestly envy people who have faith. I just can’t get my head around it.
Carter: Maybe your head’s in the way.
Edward: Carter, we’ve all had hundreds of these discussions and every one of them always hits the same wall. Is there a sugarplum fairy or not? And nobody has ever gotten over that wall.
Carter: So, what do you believe?
Edward: I resist all beliefs.
Carter: No Big Bang? Random Universe?
Edward: We live. We die. And the wheels on the bus go round and round.
Carter: What if you’re wrong? 
Edward: I’d love to be wrong. If I’m wrong, I win. (both laugh)
Carter: I’m not sure it works that way. 
Edward: Well, you’re not claiming you know something I don’t.
Carter: Mm-mm. I just have faith.  

I think people who are afraid of faith let their heads get in the way of what faith is. Faith is believing in something bigger than you.  Faith is a deeper understanding, a belief, and knowledge from your heart. Faith changes what the definition of proof is. Faith is a strength within. Faith is a way of life. Faith is not practical and it's not concrete and I know that is why people get stuck in their own heads over it. Faith is not something that you can make someone have. You cannot argue it enough or explain it enough. Faith is a decision, it's change and it's love. I love the line, "I just have faith." It's simple, powerful, and peaceful in just a few words. It's a statement.







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Day 257 - Progress not perfection

Tonight I am reminded that I need to focus on progress, not perfection. My mind is reeling thinking of all of the areas I can apply this principle to. In our little financial crisis right now I get so wrapped up waiting for Mark to just get a job and for everything to be better, that I don't pay attention to the progress that has been underway. I guess I just want the whole burrito instead of noticing all of the parts that are needed to make that burrito. If I look at our situation, we have had a lot of progress over the last two months and there is a lot to be hopeful for in the very near future. Yet, I am so void of emotions because of all of the disappointment we have faced. I have been too blind to see the small positive steps and blessings that might be underway. Mark has made a really great contact with a company that seems very interested in him. This did not come from a job interview, it's just kind of a cross your fingers and pray that maybe this company will want to hire him situation. For me, this has been a source of stress because I am so afraid to get my feelings wrapped up and then be disappointed. Yet, this is unlike anything that happened so far and maybe instead of focusing on the actual job, I should just focus and be positive that this relationship has even occurred. Focus on progress, not perfection.

I have been praying for God to lead me wherever He wants me to go with my writing and with this blog. In the beginning I dreamed that overnight I would get thousands of followers and that other huge opportunities would arise so that I can share my faith. Obviously that has not happened and to be honest I love this blog and my readers exactly as they are (plus this blog is God's grace not mine). I have known that God will have his own timing for my personal future, especially after all of the huge changes He has already made in my life. But I do think that all of my big dreams make me feel very inadequate most of the time. I think I have always felt like that. And yet, last week I was asked to speak at a MOPS meeting near the end of the year about joy and my journey. Then today, I was asked if I would like to be a contributing blogger for a local online publication (sadly no compensation). These are awesome and amazing steps for me and they are definitely progress straight from God. Tonight instead of looking for the bigger picture, I am especially grateful for these two opportunities that await me.  Focus on progress, not perfection.

Getting from here to there is usually very black and white. But we know that God is interested in our transformation and doing things on His time instead of ours. So maybe there is just as much value in all of the small steps we take to get to the finish line than actually just finishing. After all, in a life of faith we never really know how many steps we have to take to get to the end, so maybe the steps we think are small are really jumps and leaps towards the end. Or maybe it's the very last step. But either way, each step is important and should be acknowledged. Progress is progress no matter how small.

Day 256 - Untangle myself

It is hard not to focus on your own issues all of the time, but I woke up the other day and realized I have ignored people I love because I have been so caught up in my own life. I hate that feeling and I don't like being that person. I certainly know that's not the person God intended me to be. When talking to a friend yesterday I watched myself tell her examples of her problem in my own life, that's not good listening and I don't want to be that person either. I don't want to ive in the pit of my own life and expect that it is okay just because we are having hard times. I need to be there for others regardless and being so consumed with myself that I miss out on other people's hurts, needs or happiness is beyond unfortunate. It breaks my heart.

It's definitely time to untangle myself from my own life, take the spotlight off of myself, and be joyful and ready for anyone who will let me in. It's time to stop treading that fine line I have been on for a while now. It's time to leave my problems on the nightstand in the morning and make myself available for others all day long. I know that is who God intended me to be.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." -Hebrews 10:24 (TNIV) 24  

Day 255 - A New Week

I know I already said that last week was a crazy and weird week for us. Even after I said that it just got weirder. Don't you ever want to ask God, "Was that really necessary?" For a fleeting moment we felt like our luck was turning around when Brody was accepted into the charter school (and maybe it still is) but that was completely overshadowed after he got sick and missed the next two days, I got super sick, the weirdness of the blackout, I had to cancel my spiritual class and my first time volunteering for a ministry and then my daughter hurt her arm and is now in a temporary cast and sling (with another doctors visit on the horizon and more medical bills). It's all minor, it's all fine, but it was really hectic and disheartening. And, while I would love to dwell on it some more I found the answer of how to deal with it out of my own mouth. I posted this on Facebook:

"The best medicine is being able to laugh at how ridiculous life can be sometimes and then just move forward."

So I am telling myself, "Amanda, it's time to buck up, be quiet and move on. It's a new week. A bad week doesn't signify what the next week will bring. Wake up with a clean slate tomorrow and believe that good things are right around the corner." So that's what I am going to do. I am going to believe that having a little bad luck does not mean that God doesn't want me to be happy. That a job for Mark can be around the corner. That God will help us pay our bills and stay in our house. That He does love us. That our finances will get better someday. I am going to pick my heart back off of the ground, march forward in faith and be grateful for the blessing He has given us. We are safe, we are healthy, we have a home, we have food and we have support. Life is still so good. We are still so fortunate.

Don't get distracted from your own race.

Day 254 - Never Forget

The 10th anniversary of 9/11 has given me a bit of anxiety. The images and stories I have come across have been less about the victims and more about reliving the day. I don't want to relive the day, it's already a day I could never forget and I was safely in San Diego at the time. It brings up so much emotion and fear. I feel fearful when I think about 9/11, I think it's my first emotion that comes out followed by sadness. Hearing the stories again, even the ones with slightly better outcomes, is hard for me. Let's face it, 9/11 was horrific, even for someone safe and sound. After all, who felt safe anywhere anymore? I can't begin to imagine what it was like for people who were there, for people who lost loved ones, for people who tried to save lives, for people on the airplanes, and for all the people who worked tirelessly to clean up afterwards. I don't think there are any words or the right words for any of them. For me, I just feel scared again. That day was the first day of my life that I understood how unsafe the world is, it changed everything. And now, reliving it through the media again, I feel that panic and anxiety in my chest, the same way I felt it that day.

After saying all of that I do think it is important to properly reflect on the people who lost their lives because of 9/11 and to honor their memory. We promised to "Never Forget" and I intend to keep that promise. Today I will pray for all of the children, parents, family members and friends who lost someone they love. I will pray for the tens of thousands of people who are still suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder or ailments from working at the site.  I will also pray for the safety of our country and the integrity of our leaders. I will pray for all the men and women who have fought to protect our country. I intend to reflect on what happened that day the best that I can and hopefully gently answer any questions my children might have. And I will remember how we unified as a nation and grew strength in our time of sorrow. Although none of that seems like enough.

I know one of the biggest questions from 9/11 and most major disasters is, "Where was God?" People have cried out to Him saying, "God why were you silent?" I have read certain articles where religious leaders have no direct answers to these questions because they say that we cannot begin to understand God's action or plans. We know this is true in little circumstances in our lives, but we need to grasp this even in the bigger schemes. A life of faith is just that, faith. Some families who lost loved ones dove deep into their faith, stating they don't know how anyone could get through something so terrible without it. Others have completely pushed their faith aside, saying they want no part of a God that would let this happen. Throughout time, throughout disasters, throughout horrific events it's something that will always be questioned. And, something that can never be answered simply because we are not God. We cannot not begin to understand how God works. I almost have a hard time saying that, because it also sounds so cliché, but if you have faith, it's kind of what you work off of every day. Faith that God is working, even in the worst times.

And then, I came across one particular bible verse that made me think of all of the victims and what they must have gone through in their last moments. As I saw it again, I recognized it as the verse that got me through my darkest years as I suffered the most from depression. 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." -Revelation 21:4  


It's not an answer, but more of a sense of comfort that their tears, fears and pain were taken away forever.


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Today is also my Grandma Ester's birthday. I want to make sure to honor the woman who taught me what it means to have class, grace, how to be generous, and how to be independent. Her love and lifelong lessons will stay with me forever.

Day 253 - My absence

The last few days have been pretty weird. After some sort of illness swept up each of my kids over the last week, it finally got me too. In the meantime my son missed his second and third day at a new school and we lost power in our house for a good 7 hours or more. It felt like something crazy was going on! But everything is fine, including my health. Every time I get sick it knocks the wind out of me. This time was no exception, except this time I didn't have any desire to blog, I just felt too awful. Today I am just trying to feel better and reflect on what tomorrow means for our country, as it is the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Something like 9/11 puts faith in a whole new light in so many ways. People fall into faith and people fall out of faith after so much devastation. I'm just trying to wrap my head around tomorrow's significance and praying that the reports of possible attacks tomorrow are not true.

 

Day 252

Day 251

Day 250 - Glimmer of hope

Yesterday was the first day where we felt like things are looking up for us. We got a phone call that there is a spot for Brody at the charter school we want him to go to. If you remember back in May we were really disappointed when his name was not picked for the lottery to get in. It hurt a lot because we felt like we couldn't catch a break and we were getting so much rejection already with jobs possibilities. Our hearts were tied to getting into this school and we were really let down. I never gave up hope though, always praying that it would work out and I had faith that God was get us there if it was meant to be. And in the very last second, the day before he was supposed to go to his own, they called with a spot. Not only am I happy because this school has been very important to me, but also because it gave us a glimmer of hope that maybe it's time for things to start rolling our way. Maybe a job offer is right around the corner. Maybe our future is just a few days away.

God was very good to us yesterday and I am beyond thankful. It proves that He provides on His own time as long as we keep having faith.

"So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up." -Galatians 6:9 (NLT)


 

Day 249 - God knew

I remember when Mark and I had to go through pre-marital counseling before we could get married at the little chapel we had chosen. The first thing they had us do was take separate tests and then they paired our answers together and told us our strengths and weaknesses as a couple. I only remember one thing from those counseling sessions, that we had the highest score in finances. Meaning that it was the area we had or would have the least amount of issues in. Fast forward almost eight years and here we are in a major financial crisis and we never fight about money. What a blessing to be able to get through something like this on the same page and with complete encouragement and teamwork from one another. There have been plenty of other things to fight about over the last nine months, so I feel lucky that our finances didn't strain those arguments even more. I just feel like God knew long ago how important this would be for us to survive as a married couple and it is no coincidence that we are strong in that area. Marriage is hard work, but God gave us a partner to weather the storms of life together and he paired us in a way that we would be able to survive the most difficult times, as long as we never give up. I am so thankful for my husband.

"But ‘God made them male and female’ from the beginning of creation. ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” -Mark 10:6-9 (NLT)

Day 248- Faith into action

Today I realized that it is time to put my faith into action. There are so many times that I think that I cannot fit anything else into my life, especially with three little ones at home, yet there is still room. I know there is. In the Spring I went to a weekly bible study, which was a great step for me. Now that I am entering the Fall I am planning to join a ministry, even if it is once a month, and taking some spiritual classes that are long overdue. I know that I can find a good balance of doing these new things and keeping life at home running smoothly. No more excuses, it's time to act on my faith as much as I write about my faith.

This last week I finally decided to have a little more faith in myself. I got my head in the right place and decided it was time to lose the weight I have put on over the last nine months. All of my eating was stress induced and I lost all self-control. I used food to cushion my emotions. My excuses were that I didn't have the time to work out or the money to pay for a good work out. Here I am one week into my weight loss and I found a free way to work out and I got creative with my work out times, sometimes doing them from 11pm to 12am, but they got done. I prayed about it and God helped me find the time and in the first week I lost three pounds. It just proves my point that you need to put your heart and your faith into motion.

Summer is winding down and it's definitely time to make plans for the last few months of the year. For me I am putting faith in God and faith in myself to the forefront of the plans by volunteering, growing spiritually and taking care of myself physically. How about you? Faith into action.

Day 247 - Do not

The media is pretty wicked and in general our culture is pretty unkind and unforgiving. I have been thinking about the way people are judged lately and how harsh it can be. Yet, then there are celebrities who flaunt their wealth and power and we glorify them. Everything seems so twisted. But, then I think about myself and how I can be quick to pass judgment on others. I have my ideas of what people should do even though I am not in their situation. And then I think about how sensitive I am right now and how I do not want to be unjustly judged because it stings.


“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven." -Luke 6:37 (NLT)


I need to work on this more. My faith needs to reflect my actions, even amongst friends.


 

Day 246 - My prayer

Here is one of the prayers I wrote in my prayer journal on August 8th:

Praying deeply for our finances. That somehow we can pay all of our necessary bills this month. That God can provide us with some extra and unexpected money. That new opportunities will arise so that we can get back on our feet as soon as possible.


I remember how stressed out I was when I wrote this. I felt like we were stuck and that we wouldn't see another month in our home. I felt like our world was crashing down. And yet here we are, still in our home and we had so much love and help poured onto us from others. And, although there is no new job or source of income, there are possibilities looming that give us hope for the future. No one could have known my prayers and yet they were answered.  God is listening to every word, clearly, and so my faith continues to be strong and unshakable.

Day 245 - Lessons and necessities

Lately I have been thinking about all of the little lessons we have learned over the last year or so. I know that our journey has been especially good for the kids, at least in my eyes. Little things like sharing a room, or using their own money to decide if they want an ice cream cone or McDonalds as a treat, or not crying when they don't get what others have. They have rolled with the punches the whole way. They are amazing. I wouldn't trade the lessons they have learned, or I have learned as a parent, for anything. Yesterday at the grocery store a woman commented on my three children and I blurted out, "I am so lucky." She agreed and at that moment I realized that I love being a mom more than ever and I love that even in hard times I can still positively shape their future for them and in ways I never would have done before. I am a better mom because of our circumstances, it has forced me to grow up, have grace, be thankful for what we do have and know what is truly important for their future. And my kids, I think they have more love and excitement about the world than ever before. Or perhaps they are just more resilient than I ever would have given them credit for, either way it makes me so proud.

Another lesson that has hit me hard is understanding what a necessity is. I use to make long weekly lists to Target that had everything we needed for the week. Looking back I can't help but wonder where all that stuff is, what did I do with it all? It's crazy what I thought a necessity was and to be honest I don't think any of it would shock you or be totally off cuff of what you might buy for your family. Right now, a necessity is something we absolutely have to use the few dollars we have on. It's not items for a wonderful recipe I want to make, or a new jar of jelly because we didn't like the last one, or that new toothpaste I want to try, or a new shirt for one of the kids. A necessity is a jug of milk for the baby or a toothbrush for one of the kids because the old one isn't usable and we don't have any extras lying around. It's toilet paper, laundry detergent, stamps to pay bills, and gas in our cars. It has to be worth taking away money from something else. Right now our car is dirty, only one kid gets a hair cut and Mark and I wouldn't dream of buying ourselves clothing. And all of that is okay because we know what is important. What a humbling lesson to learn. It makes us even more thankful for the gift cards and help we have received because they go towards what we really need first. Anything extra is just icing on the cake and we enjoy those fun moments and items more than ever. I never would have understood that before! I took the availability of money for granted.

Every experience in life has a lesson or two and they usually come from what we would perceive as something to be sad or upset about. But if we take away the "poor me" and embrace the situation we can grow and change like we never could have imagined. I can't wait to look back in the rearview mirror and see all the ways our life changed for the better and how it all molds me into the woman I will be and the family we will be for the rest of our lives. Embrace your journey because God has a plan for you. Let the lessons shape you and don't be afraid of the change that surrounds you.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)


 

Day 244 - Timing

Today my friend Irma reminded me that God has perfect timing. I tell myself this all the time, but when she gave me an amazing example from her own life, it centered me again and I was able to take a deep breath. I often think of how our friendship is an example of God's perfect timing. I went to my first bible study not too long ago and walked into a room filled with lots of women sitting at tables. I knew I had to pick a table and I really hoped that I would pick the right one. I had followed this really cute young mom in and just figured I would sit with her, why wouldn't I want to be at a table with other young mothers? But before I made the leap, I sat in the back of the room and for the first time ever I prayed asking God where I should sit. I had never done that before. God clearly directed me towards a table that only had one woman sitting there and she was a grandmother. I thought, "Are you sure God?" But I knew He had a plan so I went right over, walking past the table of young moms and I sat down. That moment started a new friendship that would give me so much joy and guidance. We instantly connected and by the time the bible study was over I knew I had made a friend. Her stories and examples of a God centered life are so inspirational to me, something I crave every time I see her. Since then she has stayed a part of my life and along with her husband they have given us help and support along the way. Meeting my new friend was no coincidence and the timing was no coincidence. She came into my life at the perfect time when I needed hope and it was all God-directed. Not too long from now I will be looking back at this part of our life and I will be able to see the wheels God put in motion with his perfect timing for us, even in our crisis, just like I do when I think of my friend.