Day 120 - Stand up to myself

Here's what I was thinking about today when I had some time alone. Of course I still need to work on my spiritual faith (isn't that a lifetime's worth of growth?), but I really need to start working on faith in myself. I know I have already said this many times, but I keep giving up on myself and I am doing it through how I take care of my body. We all handle stress differently. I have already shared that I deal with stress by eating, but we are under so much stress that I let it take over me. I also love food. I really do. Sure, I am now working out most days of the week, but it's funny how I manipulate the situation so that if I work out I can eat whatever I want. That really means that I haven't changed at all. I just need to remind myself over and over again that I can conquer this, even if I have to keep pulling myself back up when I fall down. I know I can do this.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive

Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable. ~Wendy Wasserstein

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price. ~Author Unknown

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. ~Michael Jordan

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves. ~Edmund Hillary

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance. ~Bruce Barton

When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it there. ~Cecil Selig

If you doubt yourself, then indeed you stand on shaky ground. ~Henrik Ibsen

Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Day 119 - Words and Wisdom

"For I will give you the right words and such wisdom that none of your opponents will be able to reply or refute you!" -Luke 21:15

I love the power in this verse and the promise that He will stay with you when you need to defend yourself.

Day 118 - Confused

Do you ever feel spiritually confused? I do! I may be firmly planted in my faith but I still get quite confused about things. I have felt like God was pointing me in a certain direction for a specific reason, but when I went that way it turned up nothing. I have to ask myself if I just made all of that up in my head. I would have to say that has happened more than once over the last few months. Or I feel like God has revealed plans for me but even if I pray for it or seek out ways to get there, nothing happens. It makes me frustrated and leaves me wondering once again if I made it all up.

I know that diving deeper into my faith brings out a lot more questions, a lot more looking around, a lot more prayer and a lot more soul searching. I also feel like I am learning to listen for God in my life and see the ways he will point me in a certain direction, sometimes I am right and sometimes I am wrong. Sometimes that means weeding out my own fears, wants or needs to see if it's really just me talking. I have to remember that God develops us slowly and that we cannot base our faith on what it appears that He is doing. Our faith needs to be based on who God is because we cannot always comprehend what He is doing or why He makes certain decisions. He still very well may have sent me in a certain direction but for a different reason than I had perceived.

Confusing or not, I am happy to be growing, learning and seeking.

Day 117 - A list

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." -Colossians 3:12

I think I need to keep a list in my pocket at all times with the virtues above on it: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. When I think about people who have those qualities, I think of a few really extraordinary people. I want to be like them. I am trying to be more like them. Shouldn't we all?

I am really going to make a list with those attributes on it; so I can look at it daily and begin to mold myself into a more endearing and loving person.

Day 116 - Overtime

I have so much food for thought in my head right now. I am thinking about how hard the last two weeks were for me and how I could have easily curled up in a ball and cried for days. Something kept me going. Something picked me up and gave me enough smiles to get my kids through the day and enough energy to make sure that I could get done whatever needed to be done. Something gave me moments of beauty to reel me back in and lots of peacefulness to ride out the storm. I made it through.

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair." -2 Corinthians 4:8

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:18

God has been working on me my whole life, but He has been working on me a lot over the last few years. Over the last 116 days though, I think He has been running overtime. I have been growing, feeling, experiencing and changing in leaps and bounds. I really can't believe the transformation he has made in me and I wouldn't be able to show or explain it even if I tried! All I know is that I am along for the ride and willing to be changed as He sees fit.

Day 115 - Faith

I rested yesterday (well as much as you can with three kids) and when the day was over I stayed as far away from my computer as possible. It felt good! But, it's Monday morning now and I am back to life. I think that Easter gave me a little mental renewal, after all isn't Easter all about rebirth and renew? My feet are both firmly planted on the ground and I am ready to face life again.

We need your prayers friends. I have faith that God will provide Mark with a job, even if it's in the last hours, but we are getting very close to the breaking point for us financially (yes there is one past where we already are). I have deep and committing faith that the tide will turn very soon, but I am human and I still have worry and fear in the back of my head. However, my worry and fear do not follow me around all day because my faith is strong enough to give it all to God.

Life is funny, you always hear people say that money doesn't buy happiness. I truly believe that. I may be in a rough patch and I may have felt extremely depressed last week, but I am happy. I am at peace with myself. Faith buys happiness, deep and true committed faith. And that can come whether or not you have a dime or a billion dollars. I get it now.

Day 114 - Easter

Despite our struggles, I know one thing, God is good. I truly love my life. I have so much more than I could ever want or need in my husband, my kids, my parents, my sisters, my family and my friends. No matter how hard things get I am constantly overwhelmed by the beauty around me and the human connection.

Today is a day of rest & family and a day to reflect on the life of Jesus and how he died for us.

Happy Easter,

Day 113 - Can you hear me?

I am struggling Lord,

Can you hear me?

Where do I go from here?

My mind and my faith are strong,

But my heart and my soul are tired.

I feel beat down and dragged around

From all of this hardship.

How much longer will this last?

I thank You daily for all of the blessings

That You pour into my life.

I know how lucky I am

And I praise You for all of that.

But Lord, when will it be time

For this financial hardship to end?

I am so tired and I need some rest.

Lord, you are an amazing God.

I know that you have a plan laid out for me,

And so I will wait for the time

When You are ready to bless me.

And I will keep picking myself up

When I am tired

And keep moving forward

When I am weak.

I will always remember in my heart

How I felt at this moment,

Waiting to be rescued.

Knowing that You

Are the only one who can save us

From this mess.

I am praying for a miracle.

Day 112 - Good Friday

Today is Good Friday. Many Christians spend this day in fasting, prayer, repentance, and meditation on the agony and suffering of Christ on the cross. And while I have a lot I could write about my personal life today, I will save it for another day and not only reflect on what Good Friday is about, but also spend my day in thanks for all of the many blessings I do have.

Day 111 - Faith

I don't think that it is a secret I am struggling a little bit right now and I don't mind sharing it. I am just having a hard time emotionally. I have to say though, that having faith in my life makes the struggles so much easier. Even when I feel emotionally depleted, I can find joy in so many parts of my day. I still see the beauty in things and I recognize and I am thankful for the blessings I have. I am able to be kind to others no matter how I feel and smile to say "good morning" to a stranger. Faith helps me understand that this is temporary and every day is a new day. Faith makes me understand that my problems are still my own and I have no right to take them out on someone else. Faith helps me to remember that whatever "this" is, it has a part in the bigger picture. Faith keeps me going with more stamina than I would have had before. Faith makes even the dark bearable.

I am amazed that while I feel so down, I am also happy. Does that make any sense? It's true. I am laughing, loving and living. I am making plans with friends and getting dinner on the table every night. I am still trying to be the best me that I can be. God has really changed me; at least I can feel it.

We all have the right to have bad days or weeks. We all feel pain and exhaustion. It's just a part of life. But having faith that it will be okay and remembering that life isn't just about how you are feeling at this moment makes all the difference. The less I say "why me" makes all of the difference. Faith makes all the difference.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12

Day 110 - Endurance

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation." -Romans 5:3-4

I need this right now. I am worn out, beat down and just plain drained. I am in this place right now where besides just the stress of Mark not having a job, trying to do everything has creeped up on me. I think having three kids under 6 is creeping up on me. I just feel like I am losing a battle that I have been fighting for a long time or at least I'm not making any progress. I think it's all normal and it's just the stress of my life right now, it won't be like this forever.

When I think about it more, this verse explains the last few years of my life perfectly. Without all of the hardships, I would be walking around with a little less wisdom in my pocket and a little less grace in my life. Won't that be true for what I am going through now? Of course!

We need the problems, conflicts and heartache to grow and to blossom. So even though I am weary and tired I know that it will build my endurance and strengthen my character, which will last a lifetime. Right now is just a blink of an eye. Let's embrace our problems and issues knowing that they will bless us far after they are over because we are taking the opportunities to grow and change. Don't stand still in the face of hardship even in the dark.

Day 109 - Nothing is impossible

Do you ever feel like a goal is unreachable? I feel like that about losing weight. I am pretty sure I have been gaining weight instead of losing it, but I am not going to give up! Once again I am going to be dedicated to letting go of my impulse eating and getting more exercise. Do you want to know what else really inspires me when something feels impossible?

"He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” -Matthew 17:20

Nothing is impossible for any of us! With that verse, hard work and prayer I am going to get through this.

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13

Day 108 - Letting it all go

Here is a prayer I wrote in my Prayer Journal on Saturday:

"God, I have had a long week and I feel beat down and exhausted. I have so many feelings swirling in my head that I can't quite relax. Please bless me with peace this weekend so I can enjoy all of your grace."

I am saying this prayer again to God for this upcoming week. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety, which I can pinpoint to a few things:

1. My daughter has been sick, which with her asthma means long nights and the good possibility of my other two getting sick this week.
2. Mark is moving forward to phase two from one of his interviews (fingers crossed and prayers needed). This is awesome! But, talking about finances when it comes to a new job really gives me anxiety. I feel like nothing is paying what we need, but I know I am not seeing the whole picture.
3. I am still nervous about Brody getting into the charter school, although that anxiety doesn't feel as anxious anymore. Either God is preparing my heart for disappointment or I am just at peace with whatever happens (or are they the same thing?).
4. I feel very anxious about my future and the plans God has for me. I feel like he has opened the envelope for me but I am darn stuck in what I am supposed to do next. The big picture is HUGE but how the heck do I get there?
5. Our calendar through May is FULL. Our weekdays and weekends are packed and that really eats at me. I am a person who needs a little solitude to reenergize and having jam packed days makes that hard.
6. I did a lot of praying for other people in my prayer journal this weekend. I think that reflecting on my prayers for others makes me feel anxious too! I want so many things for so many people. I also found out over this last month that a lot of peoples' prayers were not answered the way they wanted them to be. It's hard to watch.
7. I think I just feel a little depressed and I can share that with you because I have already poured my heart out on the subject. I think when my world feels out-of-control it is my body's defense mechanism to shut it out a little.

Learning to leave your fears and anxiety at the door is a process. I know that I can do it because I have been successful at it during this trying time. I have been surprised at how well I have been able to have so much faith! For some reason I just let a lot catch up at the same time. So here I am staring Monday morning in the face and I am closing my eyes and letting it all go. I am accepting the fact that I can only live each day one at a time and that I have enough faith to let God handle the big things so that I can take care of today. I am doing it right now as I type these words. Deep breath and it's gone. I am also praying the prayer I copied at the beginning of this post and letting the words sink inside of me. I am living for patience, faith and peace this week so that I can enjoy God's grace. I hope that if you are filled with anxiety, fear or whatever, that you can do it with me.

Day 107 - My homework

I have given myself some homework this week. I am on a mission to find a bible verse for Mark and each of my children that I can pray upon them consistently with. I want to find verses that make me think of each of them individually. I hope that these are verses that I can pass down to them until they decide upon one for themselves as they get older.

The bible verse I declared for myself through my high school years and into college was one that helped me through depression and pain:

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” -Revelation 21:4

The bible verse I have declared as mine right now is:

"In quietness and confidence is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15

I hope that I can find bible verses that can help inspire and give comfort to the ones I love the most!

Day 106 - Worry

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. - Matthew 6:31-32

Day 105 - Be love

Last night I started writing a long blog post for today all about relationships, but then I erased the whole thing and started over. This is what came to mind before I did it:

"Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other making allowances for each other's faults because of your love." -Ephesians 4:2

This is a really powerful verse if you dissect it. Thinking about this verse made me realize that you should ALWAYS treat people with LOVE and make ALLOWANCES for them. While it's not ideal because we are all allowed to feel hurt and disappointed, it's just the way to grow and to show LOVE. Accept people for exactly who they are and decide how you want them in your life. Be HUMBLE, be GENTLE, be PATIENT and be LOVING towards others because you are a LOVING person. Know their FAULTS, hurts and their heartaches and help them through it. I want to be that person. The person who can put my own hurts behind me and love people despite how they make me feel.

Day 104 - Timing

Last night I went to the enrollment meeting for the school that I want to send Brody to next year. I mentioned yesterday that there will be a lottery to see who gets in. I have about a month until they do the lottery and I feel like I can't wait to find out. I want this so bad, not just for Brody, but as a school for all three of my kids to grow up at. Have you ever wanted something purely for the best interest of your kids? It's a totally different feeling. So here I am faced with the possibility that he won't get in and all of my feelings are tied up in the situation. I feel like my heart will be broken if it doesn't work out. We don't have the resources to buy things right now, so having the possibility of having something great with no strings attached is kind of amazing. My heart is invested in this.

On the way home I was asking God to please let this happen for us. I committed that I would pray for it every day until the lottery, as well as for his friend to get in. Then I started thinking about God's perfect timing, which I completely believe in. Sometimes our timing just isn't in God's plans and usually it is for the better. Perhaps, if Brody does not get in it means that this is not the year for him to start there, for whatever reason. I need to be okay on the waiting list. Or maybe there are 1000 other children that need to be there more than he does right now. I need to be okay with that possibility too. I need to have faith that it will work out for us when the time is right and I need to be okay with that in my heart.

I can think of many times that God's perfect timing came into play in our lives. I am pretty sure I already mentioned this, but when our lease was up at our last place we were not sure if we would move or not. We didn't love the place, but we also were hoping to give it another year. I looked over our finances and just felt like we needed to move at that time so we gave our notice and started looking. We didn't have much luck finding a place at first, but at the last minute we found the house we are in now. It was the best of what we could afford and for some reason they picked us over someone else. Less than two months later Mark lost his job and we were now in a place where we were paying $700 less a month for rent. If we would have tried moving after Mark was laid off, we would have never gotten our full deposit back and no one would have rented to us. Honestly, I don't know where we would be right now. Our home might be cozy right now, but it's a place for us to call home. It was God's perfect timing and that is why I thank Him for this place as often as I can. I may not love it but it is a blessing.

So here's the thing, God does have perfect timing. I have seen it so many times and I have heard some amazing stories that prove there is not such thing as a coincidence. If you are feeling discouraged, tired of waiting for something, or if you do not get something your heart is set on, have faith that it is a part of a much bigger picture. Have faith that it is better to be on God's time than your own. When I think of my life right now I find that I am 100% living on faith and on God's time and when I can take a deep breath and see that, then I can let go of the anxiety I carry. So while I will be praying daily for Brody to get into the new school, I will also recognize that if it does not happen now, that there is better timing for us down the road. It can be a painful lesson to learn, but it can alleviate so much sadness in your life and instead fill that void with understanding and hope.

Day 103 - Disappointment

I cannot count the number of times my husband has said, "don't get your hopes up." He has said it at least three times over the last few days! I get my hopes up pretty easily; it's part of my nature. This has prepared me for a lot of disappointment, especially over the last few years when my hopes have been crushed a lot. I am optimistic enough to believe that it can all happen, but sometimes it just doesn't. However, I do see that most of the times when I have been disappointed I realized later that something much better was around the corner, which is an amazing feeling!

Right now I have my hopes up for a couple of things. First, I really believe that Mark will find a job soon (by the way please pray for an interview he has on Friday). Second, I really want Brody to be able to go to a new charter school that has everything I could want for him. If too many people apply for his grade level then it will go to a lottery system. I can't say that I have fared too well with lottery systems in the past. The more I think about the school, the more I want him to go. I will be really disappointed if Mark is still unemployed in a couple of months and if Brody does not get into the school. It almost makes me not want to try because I hate this feeling; it feels like my heart is being crushed. But what can I do? I have to try because sometimes it does work out! Sometimes your plans and God's plans are the same ones.

If we spend our lives guarding our hearts so that we do not have to face disappointment, we are only letting ourselves down. We may be disappointed a few times, but think of how great it will feel when something does work out! I always enter giveaways on people's blogs or on Facebook pages. Sometimes I want to win so bad that I try and will it to happen (it never does). Do you know what happened this morning? I won a pair of fabulous heels from a giveaway! I really, really did and it felt great and surprising and wonderful. Imagine if I had not entered because I was tired of the disappointment, I wouldn't be waiting for a fabulous box at my doorstep!

So let's keep striving for the things that we hope for and not let the possibility of disappointment get in our way. Let's not guard our hearts anymore (but maybe be ready with a cup of tea and a hot bath if it doesn't work out). And lets remember that even if you do face disappointment, something better might be right around the corner. I am letting go of all the anxiety built up in my chest right now for Mark getting a job and Brody going to the charter school. I am letting my guard down and I am telling myself that it can all work out and if it doesn't, we will be okay too. God will provide for us no matter what.

Day 102 - My umbrella

I think I have reached a point in my faith that I can look over all of the cloudiness in our life and start to piece things together. Of course I do not have the whole picture, but I am starting to understand why some things (not all things) have happened the way that they have. I am starting to see the past few years as a set of dominos and how one thing had to happen to knock over the next few things. I think I can start to see why I had to lose my job, short sale our house, deal with criticism, let go of control, move to a much smaller place and be humbled enough to tell God I am giving it all to Him. My own personal suffering was necessary for the path I am on. I can't quite see why Mark had to lose his job too, but then again this blog was started from that event. My dominos are still going and the clouds are still hanging low, but there is a lot of sunshine and I am full of knowledge that I never had before.

How did I get to this place of sunshine, peace and knowledge? Why am I here when we are still in the middle of our storm; a storm that feels like it may never go away? A storm that has no predictable ending and is visually getting worse. It really is my faith.

What is faith?

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." -Hebrews 11:1

During our storm my faith has been our umbrella, encompassing my family and keeping us as safe and dry as it can. Every now and then a gusty wind pulls it out of my hands, but I always manage to grasp it and bring it back to us. Without it, we would be cold, wet and hopeless. It would just rain on us day after day with no reprieve and we would not be able to look out into the rain and see what is in front of us. Today especially, I am so thankful for that umbrella. I am so thankful for all of the joy in our life right now, joy that I would be missing if we were drenched from the rain.

Day 101 - It's a slow process

I think the main point that God has made very clear to me over these last few weeks is that he works on us slowly. He adjusts our lives and our character in different situations and through hardships. We don't change after just one event; He changes us through many different events and seasons in our lives. Why? To prepare us for the larger assignments.

Thinking about that explains so much and also gives me an understanding of why we have been through so many bumps over the last few years. They have all impacted me in a major way and I could easily sit down and etch out when each one happened and what I have learned from it. When I finally figure out what my purpose is I will see how each event prepared me for it. He is prepping me with my college degrees, my relationships, my love for certain things and even my disagreements or small struggles. I can't wait to see how it all comes together.

That's the thing, I need to wait.... patiently. We are studying David in my women's bible study right now and from the time God personally chose him as the future King of Israel (he was 15 at the time); God waited 22 years before David actually sat on the throne. Between that time David continued as a sheepherder, did many laborious jobs, defeated Goliath, and learned to be a ruler (among lots of other things). I am hoping my future is a little closer than 22 years, but I need to be patient. Have you been wondering why things are so difficult, where your life is going, when things are going to get better, and what the meaning of everything is? Me too! But I am taking comfort in the fact that all the trials and tribulations are preparing me to be a mighty leader in my own way. So please don't despair, you are also transitioning to be the person you are meant to be through all your bumps and roadblocks. We just need to be patient and keep having faith that we will get there when the time is right.

Day 100

I cannot believe that today is Day 100 of My Year of Faith. On my 100th day I feel happier, more at peace and more thankful than I ever have before; which is so contradictory because we are living the hardest season of our lives. The only explanation of why they coexist is my faith in God, humanity and myself. I have always had faith, but writing a daily blog about it means I am constantly immersed and living in pure faith. That has made all the difference.

So thank you for joining me, for taking some time during your day to read my words and for becoming part of my life. We still have 265 more days of this journey to go. I hope to continue to inspire you, as you keep inspiring me.

"And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?" -Matthew 6:30

Day 99 - Living for each day

I think one of the hardest parts of being in a financial bind is just the feeling of being in so deep. Sometimes I wonder how we will ever get out of it. I still want to own a big house, buy my kids cars, send them to college and travel with my husband, but it feels like that dream gets further and further away with every passing minute. So many dreams feel so far away right now.

I guess what keeps me going is my belief that anything is possible. I think my faith is allowing me to live for each day; even more in the sense of not letting my wants cripple me. If I say, "not fair" because I don't have what I want, I will waste days, weeks and years feeling like I should have more. If I can live today with joy, faith and belief that things will work out then I can stop worrying about what the future holds. I don't want to miss any of the blessings along the way. In times like these the small blessings are the world; I appreciate being able to buy something, going out to dinner, seeing my children thrive, laughing out loud and giving a gift. If I am too busy feeling entitled to all the things I don't have, how will I notice all of these small gifts?

Trust me, I am still struggling with this. My house is the perfect example. I miss owning our own home and living in a place that feels like it is mine. I miss choosing a home because it feels like "us." I feel like there is something missing where we live right now, maybe it's my heart, but I have to remind myself that this house is a blessing. When we had run out of time and had to move, God provided us this house that had everything that we needed and at an amazing price (he knew Mark would be unemployed, but we didn't). We are so lucky to be here and I know that. I'm not kidding when I say that a few times a week when I feel displaced, I have to remind myself that this is one of the best blessings God has given us in our time of need and then I literally thank Him for it. I do! Being thankful for what I do have makes things so much better and makes me so much more joyful. Attitude really is everything.

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." -Matthew 6:34

Day 98 - He answers

Over the last couple of days I have had certain topics arise in my life that left me with questions and frustrations. They were both on separate days and awakened a lot of feelings in me. Both nights I opened my bible study guide and literally the topic of each day was an answer or an explanation to my frustration or hurt. Both days I read three pages of text that explained exactly what I was wondering and neither were broad topics or related. It was like God was writing me emails and dropping them in my inbox. I know it sounds corny, but it's 100% true. Things that were on my heart were answered for me right there in plain sight. It is amazing and a little freaky at the same time, but in a good way of course.

Our hearts are a sensitive place, they bare a lot of weight and besides keeping us alive, they also breathe life into our soul. I have had more on my heart over the last 4 months than I can ever remember in my life. It's not just sadness or stress; it's also joy and love. It's just a mix of everything. I think it's not just the events that have unfolded that have caused this, but it's also the deep introspection I have done. I have always been introspective by nature, but now I am really diving into my faith, my life and my purpose. I try to find meaning in the nature of what happens around me. I think all of this is easier to do in a crisis than in times where life is sailing a bit smoother.

To feel like God is not only listening to me during my heartfelt thinking but is answering me directly, makes me feel like I am in the right place, crisis or not. I have said it before, my life right now is nothing like I thought it would be like. In fact, it is so far opposite of where I had dreamed. But at the same time my heart and my character is in a place that is more than I could have imagined and to be truthful, I wouldn't give it up, not for all the things I had thought I wanted. God had to strip me down, take away all of my possessions and teach me who I truly am so I can see what I am capable of. I liked who I was before, but I love who I am becoming now. There is no stopping me on my journey and people who tried to tear me down before have no hold on me now. Every day may not be better but I can become a better person bit by bit every day.

Day 97 - Updates

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like anything is going to pan out from the interviews Mark had last week. It's definitely disheartening, but you become numb to it and disappointment almost becomes expected. Nothing ever came from the possible job lead for me either, which is fine. We are on week 18 of Mark being unemployed, which equates to 125 days and a little over 4 months. It doesn't seem like a lot in numbers, but it feels painfully long in my heart. We really need Mark to get a job so that we can land back on our feet a bit. But, I have to say that by God's grace we are surviving and he has provided for all of our needs (and a little extra).

The hard times we have fallen upon over the last few years has completely grown my faith an infinite amount, which in turn has really changed the way things are in our home. Had this been a few years prior I would be riddled with fear and worry right now and Mark and I would be fighting constantly from it. There is a real peace in our lives, maybe it's because we have seen how God keeps saving us when we think there is nothing left or no hope. There is less, "poor me" and more "lucky us" now. We are not obsessing about the what-ifs and since we understand that nothing is promised, we do not expect a smooth ride. We are still optimistic that things will get better someday and we live each day with as much joy as we can. We are happy.

Faith is not just an action, it is a belief, a feeling in your heart, an understanding, a fighting spirit, it's knowledge and it's peace. Drawing closer to your faith in your time of need provides more comfort and love than you can find anywhere else. It doesn't let you down and it doesn't abandon you, as long as you don't abandon it.

I hope that whatever you are struggling with right now, you can immerse yourself in some sort of faith. That you can let words of wisdom and strength ebb and flow through you so that you can also feel some comfort and peace in your life. There is so much negativity around you that you need something to lift you up and give you hope. If you have questions or need help, email me at elhajs@aol.com so that I can be there for you.

Day 96 - The Lord looks at the heart

I love that I came across this bible verse in my bible study homework today, especially after yesterday's post!

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." -1 Samuel 16:7

For me it was a reminder not to veer off of the path I have started. I have been working so hard to develop my character, my soul, and my faith over these last few years and being completely obsessed with my weight will only distract me. I felt like God was reminding me what is most important to Him right now, not what is most important to me. He likes to do that! I know that I need to treat my body like a temple and I need to work on my health, but it should not be my main and only concern right now. I cannot say that living in Orange County helps this, but I need to remember that God is working in me right now, and whatever is most important to Him should be my number one priority too.

It is so easy to feel pressure to look a certain way and to exude a certain appearance. I feel that pressure every morning just dropping my son off at school or going to the store. It's not easy feeling like you don't quite fit the mold or wondering what else you need to do to appear perfect. It's not just the way you dress it's also cosmetic (plastic surgery, teeth whitening, tanning, etc.). I feel like I am constantly walking a fine line on looking my best and wanting to be my best. Am I alone?

What is saving me is that lately I have felt like God is starting to open the curtains for me a little more. I have been able to catch a small glimpse of what He may have in store for me. It looks overwhelming and downright crazy, but I know in my heart He has been slowly building me up to be ready for whatever the full picture is. I need to stay focused on that.

What about you? Have you let your need for outward approval affect your progress on your inward appearance? Or have you learned to balance both? I'm learning!

Day 95 - More faith and more trust

I have hinted more than once that I have a problem with my eating habits. I cook super healthy at home and our house is stocked with good food (no junk food allowed). Yet I feel entitled to treats, soda and large quantities of food when we go out or if I am having a bad day. Basically I indulge and I try to comfort myself with food (back in the day I did it with shopping). I do it all the time. It's a problem and it has grown worse over the last year with our move, Mark losing his job and the stress with three kids. I have 9 extra pounds on me, which for being 5'2" and never tightening up after my baby, is a lot. I have been ignoring it and ignoring it but finally I have had enough. I am giving it to God because I cannot control myself so I know I need the help of a higher power.

We should not only rely on God and have faith in the areas of our lives that we choose. We need to give it all to God- the heartaches, the stress, the disappointments, the sins and the indulgences. Have enough faith in yourself to face any challenge and then pray about it and keep yourself centered. I know I need to find a balance between my love of food and my health and so I am asking God to help me get there. I cannot go through this struggle alone and if I try, those 9 pounds will turn into 25 pounds with a blink of an eye.

What is it that you are struggling with, but pushing the reality of it away? Maybe it's time to surrender it to God. I know that it won't be easy but I also know that we can do it! I even tied a little string around my wrist to remind me when I want to use food as a comfort to ask God to help get me through it. I told you this is my year of faith and I have faith that I can get through this too. I will keep you updated!

"I can trust Him to help me out, calm me down, fill me with hope and see me through."

Day 94 - Be still

Do you ever get alone time? This weekend my hubby went to a party so I put the kids to bed and I sat on the couch and watched a movie by myself. I had a few hours to rest and think about things. I haven't had that kind of quiet in a long time. It was a time free of distractions; the computer, no Facebook and no connection to anything except a movie and a couch. We all know that quiet time with God is important, but quiet time with yourself is really important too (often God will talk to you in those quiet moments). In just those few hours I was inspired and made decisions about things that had been bothering me. I was able to be introspective and thoughtful. I loved it.

I am encouraging you to have some quiet time every now and then. Time with no agenda or distractions. Time for just you. Time to clear your head of the every day clutter and center yourself again. Time to be still.

Day 93 - Anxiety

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith; and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." - George Muller

Day 92 - I am what I am

"But by the grace of God, I am what I am..." -1 Corinthians 15:10

I have doubted myself, not liked myself and sabotaged myself. My self-esteem has dropped and I have been disappointed. I don't like what I see in the mirror and I often leave places feeling like I made something too much about me. I just haven't been happy with who I am lately.

I know that we all question who we are, what we look like, how we act and what we are doing. I know that everyone feels low self-esteem sometimes and doesn't live up to the expectation of what they think they should be. I know I am not the only one who struggles with being happy with whom they are.

Here is the thing; we need to accept and love ourselves. Only until we understand that God's grace created us, can we care enough about ourselves to take care of who we are. "By the grace of God, I am what I am," and I take comfort in that verse with confidence that it's okay to be me and I am worth fighting for.

Day 91 - I got through it

Yesterday sucked. I am trying to think of a more eloquent word but I can't. It was the kind of day where you know you want it to be over about an hour after you wake up and by the end of the day it actually turns out worse than you imagined. Sick kids, vomit on the couch, important plans cancelled, Gatorade on the rug, crying, whining, no naps, high fever, more whining, lots and lots more crying and not one minute to take a breath. I was so exhausted by the time Mark came home that I fell asleep for an hour and a half after dinner. Obviously it was just a bad day; nothing to be devastated about and everything to still be thankful for, but it was awful in its own rite. I know we have all experienced these days no matter who we are and what we do, unfortunately they are a part of life and they will always sneak up on us and make us say, "hey not fair."

I have to tell you something about today though. I got through it like I never have before. I may have been miserable, but I was calm. I may have been crying on the inside (a lot), but I kept reminding myself it would eventually be over. Instead of trying to do everything, I asked for help. Instead of stretching myself thinner, I gave things up. Instead of taking my frustration out on my hubby, I took a deep breath. Instead of yelling at the kids, I stayed positive (and I laughed a bit too). I actually did not know who I was or why this change had happened, but it made a huge difference. Every little thing made a difference yesterday. The day still sucked (a lot) but at the end of the day, when there was finally some quiet, I felt peace instead of anxiety. I had enough peace that I was okay knowing that today will probably be no better.

I am not taking any personal credit for this or claiming that God struck me down with a miracle. I am attributing it to the difference My Year of Faith has made so far, just 91 days in. I think that everything I have learned and discovered has sunk into my soul and has started to give me an inner peace that I have never had before. Maybe it's the realization that God is in control or that I am not, that helped me ride the wave of craziness yesterday, but whatever it was, it made all of the difference. I think that every bible verse I have posted, all the soul searching I have done, all of the sermons I have listened to and all the prayers I have written have all come together in my heart and have started to create a better me. Having to give up a lot, face adversity, feel a lot of disappointment and live off of faith has opened my eyes. Yesterday I noticed a big change in who I am.

A little bit of faith goes a long way.