Day 38 - My weakness and my strength

More of my story.

When I turned 17 my life changed forever. All of a sudden I was crying all of the time and I had an emptiness and sadness I couldn't control. I felt new emotions like panic and irritability. I had the perfect life and perfect home and I didn't have anything to be upset about, but I was so intensely sad. It engulfed me. I am so lucky that my parents didn't discount it as teenage angst when I told them how I felt. They helped me find a therapist even though they didn't understand what was going on (thank you Mom & Dad). That act alone probably saved my life. I had depression, real, in the brain depression. Over the next two years I saw a therapist and he was there through the bumps and the crossroads, because there are enough of those just being a teenager, let alone having depression too. He would let his clients page him if there was an emergency...I was so depressed sometimes that I did that and he talked me through it (thank you Ray). I was also very involved in church and my high school small group; I had another safe place to be myself (thank you Kathleen).

By the time I went away to college I understood the patterns of when I was sinking. It might take a few days to see what was wrong, but I had the tools to pull myself out. And I made it. I would also call my parents when it was really bad and just cry, somehow they knew just to let me cry. They always validated the way I felt. I was living with it and I was still happy.

On one particular night I watched an episode of ER where Dr Green died on the beaches of Hawaii from cancer. It was the saddest things I had ever watched. My mind started "dreaming" and I lost it, I'm sure I was imagining how I would feel if my mom or dad died or what it would be like to have to say goodbye if it was you. I don't know, but I was so sad that in seconds I was in a full-blown depression like I had never experienced. I was literally in the fetal position sobbing. All I can tell you was that I saw black. That was the darkest moment of my life. I was in a black hole and couldn't get out. I'm sure I had been depressed days before, but this trigger was intense. The only things that got me through it were calling my parents, not being alone (thanks Mark) and that I had remembered my therapist explaining to me once that those episodes don't last forever and so I finally closed my eyes and went to sleep. When I woke up it was over. I have had little episodes like this happen, especially in college, or my depression just visits me every now and then and I know how to work with it, but never like that night. Well, until two nights ago. Different trigger and different situation but I felt pain I never could have imagined. It was different this time because I am different now. But, my mind literally put me in a place where the situation was happening to me with all the details and decisions. I felt hopeless. I sobbed. It was "in it." I finally woke Mark up and he kind of talked me out of it (love you Mark) and I fell asleep again. When I woke up, it was over. This is part of my depression. I can't help it. This is me.

Why am I telling you this? What am I sharing something so personal with you? Something that is considered shameful in our culture? Because, I am not ashamed of it. I have nothing to hide. A lot of people may be surprised to find this out about me, but there are a lot of people who know. They know because I told them. Why did I tell them? I told them to help. When my friend Alex took his life and no one understood how someone could do such a thing.... I understood. I have been in that dark hole. When I hear people say they think suicide is selfish, I let them know that mental health is something you cannot have an opinion on if you don't understand it. In most cases people who commit suicide are in that dark hole, a place with so much pain that you can feel it in every crease in your body... and they do not have the tools to get out. Their pain is so deep they cannot focus on the people they love or their future, they just need it to stop. I have been able to give guidance to family members or friends of other victims who do not understand. I have also helped two dear friends whose children began to be consumed with depression. I shared my story and helped them help their kids. My biggest flaw has become my strength. It was never a flaw to begin with. Through my faith I know that this is not a burden that I carry alone. God sees me through it each time and has turned it into a blessing. I can help others. It also gives me the ability to feel deeply. I physically and emotionally hurt when others are hurting. It allows me to be empathetic and authentic. I would not change this part of my life or what I have been through because it is who I am.

My depression is my strength and also my weakness.

We all have stories, hurts, things we believe are flaws that we bottle up inside. But God can take any of those things and turn them into blessings too. It doesn't mean it will fix everything, but it does mean that it can be part of our purpose and it can grow our faith.

And that is part of my story.