Day 190 - In it

In one of my favorite movies there is a line where one of the main characters says something to the affect of "you're in it right now, aren't you?" Basically it refers to when you are working out something really big in your head and you are in the middle of something life changing. I say this all the time, especially when I see someone I love in the middle of something major in their life.

Right now I am definitely "in it." No matter how much craziness and stress is going on, at the end of the day I am still "in it." I have been working out some major life changes in my head. Like I have said before, I have been a Christian my whole life, but what I have been going through over the last few years and more specifically the past seven months in my faith is definitely transforming. I am teetering on the edge of taking my faith to a new level, a level I never would have understood had I not been stripped of so much. Being in a place of humbleness and not having your comforts and conveniences on hand really puts your true self right in front of you. After all, there is nothing to hide behind anymore. I can't hide behind money, clothing, hobbies or any facade. I can't hide behind an amazing haircut, a toned body from a latest craze, or a house full of do-it-yourself renovations. Even being crafty and thrifty costs money. I literally have nothing to hide behind and sometimes I wish I did. It makes life easier.

Since I can no longer hide behind anything and yet I feel so bad about myself, I am really going to try and make this upcoming week about learning to love myself and all of my imperfections. I want to stop holding myself back. I want to try and push being "in it" to be being "through it" in all areas of my life at the end of this journey. I have so much more to grow but I think it's time to be bold, courageous and confident. The reason I am teetering in my faith is because I haven't accepted that everything about me can move forward. I haven't hit the level of maturity where we accept ourselves for exactly who we are and move forward as God has made us and then mold and grow into the person God has intended us to be.