Day 19 - Don't push me

It's amazing how complicated things can get. As of today, I have a phone interview later this week. I was happy focusing on Mark getting a job or just talking about me maybe going back to work. But a phone interview is kind of a step forward, I can't just talk about it now, I have to go into action. Not only that, I have to think about what we will need to do in case I do get a job. That is a lot to think about and brings up a lot of emotions for me.

God, why are you pushing me right now? That's what it feels like. Of course I want to do what's best for my family but making the commitment to go back to work is a big deal. I have kids and a business to think about. I have been pushed to make a lot of big changes I didn't want to over the last few years and I did them all. This too?

Did you know I use to be a working mom? I loved it. I loved my job. I said I would never be a stay-at-home mom. My son was happy and thriving because we made it work. But then I was "pushed" to be a stay-at-home mom when I was laid off and I entered a whole new world that was very uncomfortable to me. I didn't like being pushed into it at all. I wanted my old life and job back.

Fast forward almost exactly 2.5 years later...I love my life as a stay-at-home mom. I love owning my own business. I don't want to be pushed again.

I remember a church sermon and part of it was on the story of Elijah and how God sent him to hide in a ravine from King Ahab. God told Elijah to drink water from the brook and he would send ravens to feed him. Can you imagine how lonely you would become hiding in a ravine for a long period of time? No one to talk to, no comforts. In the sermon it said that even though he was following God's command, Elijah became use to the ravine (too use to it), so God dried up the last bit of water from the brook (there was a drought going on) and sent Elijah to go to a city where people worshipped an idol and to look for a poor widow who would feed him. This little snippet doesn't do the actual story justice, but the point of the sermon was that even when God has put us in uncomfortable territory, if we get too comfortable, he will move us again. It's part of the journey. We cannot get too comfortable if we are going to grow. In the few notes I took it says that Elijah was obedient and God's promises hinge on your obedience. I also wrote down that where God guides, God also provides, so we must go.

So here I am at a crossroad. I may not like where I potentially may be going, but I need to let it happen. I am going to knock that interview out of the park and see what happens. I am putting it all in God's hands, knowing that whatever happens will serve a larger purpose. Whether I go back to work or stay at home, that is where I need to be right now.

This isn't easy for me at all.