Day 365 - Endings and new beginnings

I want to dedicate My Year of Faith to: 

 My hubby Mark for allowing me to share our very personal story, for believing in my craziness, for supporting my dreams, and for working so hard to get us through this year. I love you.

 My parents for reading, sharing, editing, loving, and believing in me. 

 And for all of the little luxuries you gave us to brighten our days. 

 My three sweet kids for proving to me and to the world that children can adapt and thrive through all kinds of changes (and for loving me even when we couldn't afford a trip to McDonalds). 

 And to my sisters, our dearest friends, our family, and the sweet readers who were our village this year.
I will be forever grateful to each and every one of you.

Come back tomorrow to see where the new year will take me.

Day 364 - A letter

Dear God,

How does one write a thank you letter to you? I have already written it in my heart a million times and I know I have whispered it to you on my knees in prayer. But this time, well this is the thank you note that will be saved forever.

Why did you find me so worthy of this journey? This lesson, this change, this growth? Everyone looking in saw it as devastation, and I must admit I felt that way many times too, but it was abundantly clear that although it would be difficult, we would survive. You handpicked me and blessed me with knowledge and truths that were whispered to me over this year. Perhaps in times of trouble, you whisper to everyone but they cannot hear? Why was I lucky enough to hear it so clearly from the beginning? That this was my journey and that it would all be for good and not to harm us? That sometimes you need to take things away from us, or perhaps make us wait, so that we can see the true miracles of life. I feel abundantly blessed coming from my most difficult year. Thank you for your grace.

I am sitting here with little money in my wallet and an abundance of bills to pay, and yet I feel joyful. I feel grateful. I feel close to you. Lord, I know that you have been working on me for quite awhile now. I saw it coming, but I think I tried to hide my eyes. When you took it all away, I was ready. You had already manifested patience, trust, and faith into my heart so that I would be able to keep moving forward. You lit a spark inside of me, and held my hand when I was scared. You gave us just enough to get by, but you also took just enough away so we could see what it was like to be on the other side. We saw what it was like to really struggle day-to-day. To have so much uncertainty and to always be waiting for the last minute. You made us meek, you humbled us, and you turned our lives around. You made us uncomfortable and you made us rely on other people. And yet, you showed us what love truly is. You showed us the true human spirit, the kindness of others, and how we should spend our lives serving others. You forced us to see the big picture. There were a lot of tears and I tried to bargain, but in the end you had it all planned out. It was on your time instead of mine, and that is always perfect timing.

Today, I am so thankful for the life that you have given me. For every moment that taught me the importance of family, shelter, and food on the table. Thank you for allowing me to wake up each day to my husband and to my children. Thank you for all of the small miracles and the big laughter that surrounded us. I understand what a home really is right now, it's wherever we are together. Thank you for giving us opportunities in the new year to get our life back on track. Thank you for showing me that I am worthy of your love and that no one can take that away from me. Thank you for teaching me that my goodness comes from within me, and not from anyone else. Thank you for giving me the words every day to leave here on my blog, and thank you for every single person who reads them.

My faith is strong, my heart is centered, and my eyes are focused. I know that it will not be easy, but I will keep moving forward, towards the next mountain, adventure, or pit that waits for me. I can make it through anything, because I know that I can trust you and that my faith will carry me wherever I need to go. When life seems like it is too much to bear, I will remember that I will not drown. I will remember that I am not alone.

Thank you for everything. For the good, the bad, the devastating, the ugly, the cruel, the joyful, and for peace. You have shown me that we cannot truly see your plans, until we are looking back. That in every situation, there is a miracle and a blessing hidden within, we just have to have the courage and the faith to see it through. Thank you for giving me a 365-day lesson about real faith.

Forever grateful,

 

Day 363 - This year

This selection was from part of the talk I gave at MOPS on December 6th.


My blog started spreading a bit through friends, family, and Facebook. Suddenly people were leaving gift cards, a bag of groceries, or diapers on our doorstep. Many small (but really grand) gestures. The less we had, the more I begged God to help us in any way that He could. I begged Him to rescue us, and while He would never make everything better, suddenly at the last minute the $200 I needed to pay a necessity would show up in the mail from a long-lost friend. Sometimes from strangers. In what seemed like a blink of an eye, people were helping us more and more to survive. I don’t think they new how bad we needed the help, we had lost every penny we owned, but God knew it and He always rescued us in the nick of time.


I can't explain how dark it got for me in our pit, but it was by far the most desperate and difficult time in my life, and I had suffered from depression since I was 17. I couldn’t even feel envious of a friend’s new outfit or house; I just wanted to be able to afford to go to the grocery store. It was in this time that I learned to be joyful in all circumstances. If God can take away every penny you have earned, He can take away anything. Your children’s health, your shelter, your family and your life. You begin to be thankful for what you have. I began thanking God for everything He gave us, even while waiting in line at the food bank. I also learned to be happy and not envious of others, that every one has their time and that I have no right to rob someone else of their joy because of my sorrows. At this time my faith was running so deep and my connection to God was so strong, that I saw life for what it is … a blessing. No matter how it is packaged. I had no time or room to be angry with God, I was just moving forward. Walking up the mountain of my journey one step at a time. 


God was there with us. People continued to lift us up. We would receive $500 in cash, a $1000 check, or gift cards for food, completely out of the blue. We were surviving. We were paying our rent, car payments, and our medical insurance. That is love in action. Some people were friends others were someone we had barely known sometime in our life. People bought my son school supplies, a backpack, they gave us hand me downs, and shoes. I couldn’t even afford to put shoes on my child's feet. Now I was accepting anything and everything people gave us, because I had to for my kids. I had never let people help us before this time, but always preached that they needed to let me bless them in their hard times. Now I was living my own words. 


I also noticed that I was slowly changing into the woman I always wanted to be. It was amazing to see that the woman I had always wanted to be had nothing to do with what I owned. God taught me that. God changed my heart in the most profound ways and He met me in my darkness. He slowly molded me into a stay-at-home mom, it took a long time but He did it and I cherish that more than words. He helped me make hard decisions that didn’t make sense but taught me to follow His whispers instead of logic. He made me less bitter, less fearful and less angry. He changed my soul, my desires and my worth. He slowly became the most loving kind of teacher I could imagine. Like I said, God broke me down but He built me up. He took it all away, let me sit in the dark, taught me to fight for myself, and then emerge a new person. But what He did most was tell me that all of the pain was for good and the way that I decided to accept my circumstances would completely determine the outcome. He cannot save us, unless we trust Him and then meet Him there.


I became available to hear Him at night, through prayer, in my prayer journal, in the His word, at bible studies, at church, and in books and devotions. God throws us lifelines and guidebooks all of the time; we just have to see them.  God spoke to me a lot. When I started piecing everything together, I saw that by handling the darkest situations with faith it would allow me to grow even more. 


That was just a small snippet of my talk earlier this month.


Isn't it amazing how God worked in our lives? Loving people pulled us through this year. An amazing couple who barely knew us gave us $1500 in Costco gift cards over 6 months so that we could feed the kids and buy necessities. One of my best friends saved a little bit of her own money every month and one day gifted us over $1000 in cash to help us pay part of our rent on one of the hardest months. A friend I had not seen or spoken to since junior high (16 years) sent us a $500 gift card, the first gift we ever received. A woman whom Mark had worked with ten years ago sent us a $500 check just because she wanted to help. A friend in Hawaii sent us $500 because God put it on her heart one night. A friend handed me a $250 check because she "had a feeling" and it happened to be the day before rent was due, I had been $250 short with no hope in sight. I can go on and on, and I will if you ever want proof of love and miracles. When I had NOTHING, people gave us everything. I prayed to stay in our home, I prayed to feed our kids, I prayed to get us through and they did it, He did it. I can still say, with all certainty, that even though that seems like a lot of money, I still have no idea exactly how we paid all of our necessary bills for a family of five for ten months. It makes no sense that it could have been done, even with all of the generosity, yet it was. It was our own miracle. An envelope in the mail, a knock on the door, or a phone call, all unexpectedly changed our lives over and over again. And God is still giving us little financial miracles every day, He is still getting us through until we can be on our own completely again. He is still giving us joy through it all. He is using others to see us through.

If you are hesitant to believe in God ... I have proof He exists. But my proof lies in faith, the kind you have when you know that God didn't abandon you when everything was taken away. Because I can see in all of the emptiness how He saved us. The proof lies in all of the miracles we experienced day in and day out. Not one of those miracles could be considered anything less, and don't dare call them coincidences.

I now hold my faith up high and my story in my palms for anyone to see.

Day 362 - Perspectives

Right now I am reading In Light of Eternity by Randy Alcorn. It's a book about perspectives on Heaven and something my dad recommended. These are the words I copied in my prayer journal last night, words about faith and words that spoke to me about my journey this year.

* Will I forget how God used trials in my life to make me more Christlike? Will I forget the ways he provided for me every day, the strength he gave, the things and people he sent to make me laugh and cry?


* We can't take anything to heaven with us except for the things we've done on earth for the good of others and the glory of God.


* Our faith is demonstrated by our actions; a life of service to God and others is the natural outflow of faith.


Such truths. The word faith has become such an essential part of my life; it will be weird to let it go, in the sense of writing about it every day. It's strange to think that there will be a new word or phrase, and along with it will come new adventures and trials. Certainly God has them planned out already. To me, faith is the most intimate and personal word I can think of. I have been living off of it and trusting in it daily. I know I will never let it go. Understanding what faith truly is has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. And yet, faith is something you have to hold on to tightly and never let it go. You let it guide you in your decisions, and you see it in the blessings you would have overlooked. Faith is not only a choice but also a lesson and eternal growth. God will never stop teaching you about faith if you open up your life to him.

Right now I am just in awe of how much my life has changed this year. I am even more in awe that I am more joyful and content than I have ever been in my adult life, despite all of our current financial woes.

Day 361 - Next path

My Year of Faith is drawing to an end. I only have four more days left.  I cannot believe how fast the last few days are going and I feel panicked and anxious about the next four posts. I am worried I won't get to say everything that I want to say. At the same time, I feel like God has taught me so many lessons this year and that My Year of Faith was so much more than I ever could have imagined. I am excited that I made it through the whole year and that I grew and changed in so many ways. I am grateful for having the opportunity to share my story and to give myself to others. My life will never be the same, and in the best way possible. So, while I feel anxious about my year being over, I am also excited for the next adventure in my life. I am still waiting to see exactly where God will take me with a new blog for the 2012 year. I have two new ideas that I am leaving in His hands for the next four days. I want to go wherever He wants to send me, because He certainly had plans for me long before I saw them this year. He turned the hardest year of my life, into the most fulfilling, and He did it all with a simple idea and a blog. Who would have thought?

Please pray for me over the next few days, that I can have a clear vision of the path to take that will honor His glory and also make a difference in someone else's life.

Day 360 - Thank you

To My Christmas Angels,

I know you set out to do something nice for my family and add some joy and fun to our lives with the 12 Days of Christmas gifts, but you did so much more. You put joy in my heart when I had lost it, you gave me hope in people when I needed it, and you made me feel worthy when I was being torn down. You also gave my family so many evenings filled with fun and laughter putting together puzzles and decorating gingerbread houses. Opening my door every day and seeing a beautiful gift that was created with love just for our family, became a time in my life that I will never forget. It was so amazing and the gifts were so elaborate, that I felt unworthy every time I opened one. You know what else you did? You sparked a fire so that I can pay it forward to someone else next year. I kept every box and tag so that I can love on a family or individual the way that you loved on me. So you are not only blessing me, you are blessing someone else down the road too.

I know you want to remain anonymous, your letters and pictures were so clever and fun, but if you ever change your mind I would love to thank all of you in person for the incredible acts of generosity, love and kindness that you poured down on me. I have never experienced anything like it before and you will always have a special place in my family's hearts. We will be talking about this Christmas for the rest of our lives. You truly were our Christmas Angels this year.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart (and Mark and the kids hearts too),

Day 359 - Merry Christmas

For me, today not only celebrates birth, but it celebrates life. At many low points this year I truly felt like life would never get better and that we would be stuck in that pit forever. And yet, here I am celebrating Christmas with my sweet family. Our finances are not totally in order, but we have survived and life did get better. God was right and His promises were true. I stayed joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer (as it says in Romans 12:12) and we came out of that pit for the better. He used it all for good.

Today I celebrate Jesus, His Father, and the beauty and life-changing miracle of faith. Faith saw me through this. Faith got me to this point. Faith raised my soul up and gave me a new set of eyes and a new heart to see and experience the world. I have memories of the most amazing and magical Christmases from when I was young (thank you deeply Mom & Dad), but this Christmas may be my most memorable. I am definitely the most grateful, but this Christmas also has the magic of faith in the air. I don't mind if there are no presents for me under the tree, I have everything that I could ever want right in front of me.

Faith was my gift this year.

 

Day 358 - Beauty

 

The best gift I have received is the knowledge of what is truly important and the ability to see beauty in all seasons of life. I understand the worth and the work behind every gift for our kids under the tree this year. If Christmas had been six months ago, we would have nothing. But, at the same time, that tree would still be just as beautiful and we would have found a way to make everything merry and bright. This image of our Christmas tree represents my sweet little family and the beauty of our life together, and that beauty and tradition does not fade, even in the hardest moments. Life is so good. I am grateful.

Day 357 - Remember

Good morning world! I keep reminding myself to remember over the next few days what Christmas is really about and to share it over and over again with my kids. Of course we are excited for Santa to come, but I don't want the real magic of the season to get lost. So in the bustle of errands and last minute to-do's, I will be taking time to think about that very first Christmas.

Day 356 - Servant

I loved this excerpt from The Purpose Driven Life:

"Your servants heart is revealed in little acts that others don't think of doing... No task is beneath you when you have a servant's heart."


Without a doubt, I can say that this year has opened up my heart to be a servant. Before, I certainly loved to give gifts and do nice things for other people, but now I carry more empathy with me and God put a longing to serve others that wasn't there before. I can tell that He planted the seed and it's something that will grow and mature in me over time. Lately, I feel like I have been observing what other people do and wonder why I didn't think about doing it myself. But I see that God is putting ideas and examples into my head for the future. He is giving me an understanding of the vastness of ways you can serve other people and love them from your heart.

"You cannot serve both God and Money.” - Luke 16:13


I guess He had to take one away, so that I could see the other more clearly.

 

Day 355 - Steps

There is one looming question on my mind, what will I do in ten days when My Year of Faith is over? I know I have mentioned doing another year of love, grace, or maybe joy. But I have also been praying about other options. I have asked God to please tell me where He wants me to go next.  Maybe 365 days of faith-based questions or 365 days of God's word. I don't really know. I do know that God will reveal His next steps if I keep asking and praying about it. I have been so consumed with the craziness of the season that I haven't been able to give my full attention to whatever part of my journey lies ahead of me. I am excited to see where I go next.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

This one is all God's. I am so excited that you get to see God's transformation in my life with me.

Day 354 - Right now

If you ever doubt that there is kindness in the world, come sit next to me for a while. I can tell you stories of the kindness that has been graciously handed down to us this year. Over and over again we experienced so much love. I know that people are good; I know that people care about each other, and I know that love prevails. I saw it, I felt it, and I lived it. Every single act that people did for us went straight to my heart and it will sit with me forever. In fact, I carry it around with me every day and it is what inspires me to do more for other people.

Right now, someone or a group of people, are spreading so much kindness in our lives. I know I mentioned once that we received a gift on our doorstep the other day, but our "Christmas Angels" are leaving daily gifts (one for each of the twelve days of Christmas) on our front door and they are amazing. I am beyond humbled by the beautiful gift baskets that arrive. You can see some of them on my Assorted Lovelies blog). I actually don't know what to say because I am so overwhelmed that anyone would choose us for all of these amazing blessings. We have a lot going on right now, most of it I share with my readers, but I cannot share everything. We have had a lot of disappointment over the past few weeks, even though other parts of our lives are getting better. So at a time like this, to be given something so special, well it renders me speechless. I can't explain how much joy I have every day opening our front door to see what awaits us. I have had some days lately where I questioned myself, and yet I feel like God is just loving on me more than ever.  I feel like people are loving on me more than ever. And I needed it more than ever.

So yes, I will keep gushing about our 12 Days of Christmas. Not because I am trying to brag or make others envious. I am gushing because what is happening, is not only happening with perfect timing, but is also literally putting so much joy in our family's lives.

Thank you Christmas Angels.

 

Day 353 - Even in impossible circumstances

Yesterday at church I was reminded (with perfect timing) that God shows us love, even in impossible circumstances. You know those times when you feel like things will never get better? God shows up. We just need to look for his purpose in whatever is happening. We need to talk to him honestly and openly. We need to remember that life is hard, but God is good.

Life feels a little bumpy right now, but clearly God was speaking to me yesterday. I cried throughout parts of the service. I tend to do that when things are overwhelming. He has reminded me over and over again during these past few weeks that he loves me and he continues to pour blessings on my family. He reminds me that I am worthy and that I cannot let myself get pushed off the path that he started for me three and a half years ago.

God has a purpose in all seasons of our lives.







(p.s. I realize my numbering of days is off, somehow I missed a day or doubled up. I will fix it as soon as I can figure out where I messed up. Until then it looks like I missed Day 352, but I didn't).

Day 351 - Good things

My journey is not just mine. Mark and I trudged through it together, literally. Day by day, we kept moving. This may not be my husband's blog, but he owns it just as much as I do. He allowed me to write about our lives and be open and honest with complete strangers and people he knows (which I think is even harder). I asked him about topics and posts before I published him, so many things that should have been off of the table, but he let me move forward every single time. He never said no. He let me write about him losing his job, he let go of his own ego for my faith. He always tells me that this is my year of faith and when blessings happen he says it's because of me, but I know that God is smiling down on him just as much as me (maybe more). And while all marriages have their ups and downs, as we have had both, this year has opened my eyes that God gave us these difficulties to awaken our marriage and put it back in the center of our lives. We needed to refocus.

So, when you read my blog, remember that it is not just about me. There is a man behind every single day. He supported my words, allowed God to come into our home and reorganize, and told me that he trusted me. He trusted my prayers and he trusted my faith. He let my faith surround our little world and he believed in me enough to take the reigns. Our marriage is certainly not perfect, but God has used this year of faith to remind us to take care of it. To take care of each other. Good things come out of bad situations.

Day 350 - Steps

Just keep moving forward. Whatever is holding you back, bringing you down, making you fearful, enveloping you in darkness, or burdening you, just keep moving. Small steps, big steps, run if you have to ... just know that someday things will get better. And, if your life feels good right now, step in and walk with someone else on their journey. I know there is someone in your life that needs to be loved.

Day 349 - Days

Today I am in awe that it has been 349 days of living in deep faith. Can you believe it has been 349 days? To be honest, I cannot even properly reflect on everything that has happened and everything that I have written about. These 349 days have entailed so many different avenues for me. Just thinking about the books that I have read and the spiritual guidance I have received this year is incredible. I have met amazing people, and I dove deeper into existing relationships. My life has changed so much. And, the craziest part is that all of that wonderfulness happened during the most difficult journey of my life so far. And every day I wrote about it.

Only 16 more days to go.

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." - James 4:8

You have to believe that good can come out of even the worst situations. Maybe not right away, but someday.

Day 348 - I know

I know God exists because many times when I tell Him my hurts and my heartaches, He responds with loving actions. This year I learned to keep my eyes open for them, to see them not as coincidences, but as responses. Sometimes they are little gestures, sometimes they are big. It's so easy to dismiss them in your every day life or to just think that you are having a good week, but I ask and pray for specific things and He answers in His own ways.

Today I am thankful to God for taking notice of me, listening to me, and blessing me with his details.

Day 347 - Rearrange

I took my joy back and already I have blessings showering down on us; or maybe I just see them more clearly. I can see God's hand in preparing to bless us financially in 2012. A sweet surprise showed up on our doorstep last night (see it here) and it made me feel loved and worthy. And, God put some kind of peace and strength in my heart when I prayed for it. Life is lovely, even with the kids driving me crazy for the past three days without Mark at home (glad he is safe and sound now).

This is usually an extremely intense time of year for me because it's holiday cards and calendar season. I did take a step back this year to tend to my family in our crisis, but I still am working on a few people's cards. I have been out of my mind these last two weeks trying to catch up with everything. In fact, I haven't even designed my own card yet. A few days ago I noticed that I was having less time with God, to read, and to write this blog. I was saving them for last and by 2am I could barely pray or write another word. It definitely took it's toll on me, so last night I decided that no matter what needs to be done, I would take my first 15-20 minutes after the kids go to bed to read a faith-based book and to write in my prayer journal. I felt instantly better, it was amazing. I just rearranged my priorities and time still worked out the same in the end.

It's amazing how much rearranging your priorities to put God first makes a difference in your life and on your heart.

Day 346 - Isn't it comforting?

This quote was pre-typed into my prayer journal:

"I've learned that life is exceedingly difficult and that God is amazingly big. He will reign over our greatest losses, rectify our worst failures, and remedy our deepest insecurities." - Patsy Clairmont


Life is full of challenges, some good and some bad. The more faith I have, the more difficult the challenges I face will be. The more I write about faith, the more I feel attacked personally. I know this is no coincidence. After all, Satan hates it when we grow in faith and when we love God. He hates it when we take a stand and refuse to shy away and blend into this world. And while I am over some of the drama that seeped its way into my life, I can see it for what it is, just a distraction. Instead of focusing on the bad, we should spend all of that energy doing more good for the people who need it the most. I have a lot of people hurting in my life right now that should get all of my energy.

Isn't it comforting to know that God is amazingly big and that he can help us through not only our most difficult times, but also transform our hearts? That he can teach us a lesson in any situation and that he can heal our deepest insecurities? That even when we fail, he can build us back up? Take comfort in that and keep moving forward, with your head held high, in all challenges. Ask God to make it all for good in your life.

Day 345 - Joy

Often, when we think that we are teaching someone else, we realize that we are the ones that need the lesson. When I spoke at MOPS last week, I spoke partly about joy. Joy is something that I was able to find in all of the darkness that surrounded us. I learned that joy comes from what you make of your life, not what your circumstances are. It's your attitude, not your self-pity. I also learned that if you let others steal your joy, only you can take it back.

I needed my speech just as much as anyone else, maybe not at that moment, but I need it now. I am such a sensitive person and I easily let people rob me of joy. Tonight I realized that I have allowed people to take my joy and hold onto it. I thought I seized it back, but I didn't. It's funny how much harder it is to reclaim your joy when it's personal. Our financial situation was not personal, but my character, well that is. It's hard to move on from our hurts, I know. But we have to do it eventually or else it will us weigh down. I let go of my joy, I questioned myself, I doubted myself, and I was angry, frustrated, and upset. I thought that I forgave and moved on, but I let the hurt back into my life. I need to follow my words now, to take my own advice.


* Joy is a choice that we make a million times a day. Joy is centered on who you are and what you want your life to look like. There is joy in every corner, even in the dark. But joy fades fast when we let others control it, we start being ungrateful, we compare ourselves, or when we let our joy be driven by outwardly things. Being discontent makes us bitter, the opposite of joy. We really can only find true joy in ourselves and in God.


* When you decide to wrap you life up with joy, you choose to let go of the negativity that was robbing you and to live a life full of love and peace.


* My solution to being robbed of joy is for you to find your joy in who you are and what you can do. Not in what others do or do not do for you.

If I could yell at myself right now, I would tell myself to let the anger and hurt go. To stand up tall, move on, and find joy in loving the person that I know I am. I would remind myself that joy also comes from loving other people deeply. God gives me words, not just to benefit others, but also to learn from my own past, missteps, and triumphs.

Tonight, after some tears, I realized it's time to move on and take my joy back. We should never let people take it in the first place. This past year I felt more joy than I ever could imagine and now I want all of that back. Joy even in the darkness.

I never truly understood this verse until tonight. It gives me so much hope and understanding.

"You will face all kinds of trouble. When you do, think of it as pure joy. Your faith will be put to the test. You know that when that happens it will produce in you the strength to continue." -James 1:2-3 (NIRV)

Day 344- My sunshine

Today is my baby's second birthday. Just when I thought that I was done having kids, God put a longing in my heart for another one. It was intense. When he came he instantly spread joy into my life. His birth was right between my being laid off and Mark being laid off, but it was perfect timing.

On every birthday I write my kids a letter. I type it, print it, and seal it in an envelope for a day in the future. They are really love notes with a little bit of history in them. As I was writing his today, I told him the song I sing to him, "You are My Sunshine." It's his song, each of my kids have one. When times were the hardest this year, I would cry singing him to sleep. He does make me happy "when skies are gray." On those gray days I was always reminded that just having my kids was more of a gift and the only thing that really matters in life, far more than money.

Tonight I realized that my sweet boy is my sunshine, God gifted him to us when He knew we would need the most joy in our lives. He is the essence of joy. On the days when I didn't want to get out of bed, my sweet baby needed me, and that smile of his literally made me happy. All of my kids' sweet smiles make me happy every day. Tonight, I realized that my ray of sunshine in all of the darkness was having this precious bundle of joy. He is a sign that God is good in all circumstances. While I was losing my identity, I was gaining love. God put it in my heart to give him that song, so that I could remind myself on the worst days, that sunshine does not comes from things. You can take every material possession away from me, but please, "don't take my sunshine away." Love outlasts everything and true joy comes from loving others.

My cup runneth over.

Day 343 - Laugh

Nothing is better than a good laugh. No matter what you are going through, find time to laugh with people you love. Allow yourself to feel joy. I had the best laugh today, a laugh like I haven't had in a long time. It was so awesome. It's good for the heart and helps remind you that life is sweet, no matter what.

Day 342 - Find peace in the season

Is anyone else starting to feel overwhelmed with the holidays approaching? I have so much on my plate with parties, gifts, things to bake, my son's birthday, school events, and making sure that everything and everyone is where they need to be when they need to be there. My calendar is ridiculous. It's not that I am complaining because I want to do all of these things, it's just a lot of pressure and I am definitely failing. My Christmas Cards have not been designed, the blanket I need sewn for this weekend hasn't even been pinned, decorations still have to be crafted, and nothing is wrapped.... there are not enough hours in the day. I start every morning worried about what I can get done on whatever deadline I am on. I hate living like that.

But all we need is a reminder. I know it sounds cliché, but Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace and love. After all, it's when baby Jesus was born. A miracle! It's supposed to be a time for family and friends, however that looks in your life. So while I am stressed about everything I have to do, I cannot let it distract me from the people I am with. Everything will work itself out, and unless I take the time to enjoy this time of year, I have missed the whole point of celebrating the season. Christ's birthday is holy and beautiful, and so should our time be spending it with those we love. I love my family and friends; they make my life more amazing than I could ever explain.

So, when you finally get to that party that has had you stressing all day, take a deep breath, and love on the people you are with. Don't forget to enjoy it. When you are driving around looking at Christmas lights, take a moment to remind your kids why Christmas is so amazing and how much you love them. Don't let the holidays wrap you up in stress and sleepiness. Find peace in the season.

Day 341 - I wonder

Sometimes I wonder what my faith will look like once we have settled back into a normal life. I feel like every thought that I had this year was resting on faith, that word follows me everywhere I go. I want to know how my relationship with God will change. Just this past month or so I have not needed to be on my knees praying for help the way that I was before. God is providing for us. There are no desperate cries late at night and no written prayers full of deep pleading. While it's good that things are changing, it scares me to realize that I am pulling away a bit. Not intentionally of course, but because life has changed. How will I find the balance between life before My Year of Faith and how things were in the darkest times? Will I forget how hard it was and how much I leaned on God for everything? How can I find the best of both worlds- independence from needing God desperately and having a daily relationship with him? Can I keep up with all of the changes I have made and not drift back into my old habits and hang-ups?

Relationships are work. Our relationship with God is work too. We need to meet him there (although He is always waiting on us). We need to find time for Him, we need to praise Him, and we need to remember that He wants to be a part of our life in the hard times and the best times. I hope that I can make the transition and start a new life with God by my side, even on those normal, no big deal days.

Day 340 - Like David

I came across this note in my prayer journal a few days ago:

Even though life did not get easier, David pressed on, persevering without becoming bitter.


From the day Mark was laid off, it was very clear to me that we needed to not be bitter at his former company and move on. Of course that is a hard task because there are so many hurt feeling involved, but I knew that we needed to get moving fast and bitterness would just weigh us down. Making that choice at the beginning, lead me to a whole journey without bitterness. I am sure that writing that note back in May kept my path straight. I made a promise that no matter how hard it got, I would not let it get the best of me. It's too ugly to let into your life, especially in the most difficult times. It's hard, but letting go of resentment and hate gives you so much more peace. I'm not saying that I'm not hurt or angry, but I don't let the poison of bitterness into my heart. It creeps up quite often and I can feel it tugging on me and begging me to release it, but somehow I have managed to keep it away. I used to have a lot more bitterness and anger inside of me, now I just feel so much freer. Bitterness is a choice. I want to be like David, always pressing on and persevering even when life doesn't get easier or make any sense. Don't you?

Day 339 - Today

Today I spoke in front of a group of women I had never met before. For 25 minutes I told my story, proclaimed my faith and then ended by speaking about joy. I was unbelievably nervous, but just as I had been told He would, God met me up there. Today feels like the first day of my future. I took a bold step to prove that I can do this, and He blessed me a million times over.

I am so thankful to all of the ladies who sat and listened to me. I know that I looked as nervous as I was, but their beautiful and encouraging faces gave me the peace to keep on speaking.

I think a new chapter of my life just began. It's certainly in God's hands.

Day 338 - For them too

Living a life of faith isn't just for me; it's for my children too. Seeing how cruel the world is out there, I know that my faith can bring them up in a home with love, security, and the belief that everyone and everything has a purpose. I want them to love themselves and see their worth so that they know that they were created to be exactly as God made them. I also know that our faith as a family will teach my kids to be kind, loving and respectful. No bullying, hate, or selfishness. I want my babies to know that through any difficulty, God is building them up and giving them new tools. I want my children to give to others, but also learn how to accept help when they need it. When we went to the food pantry, I took my kids so that they could understand that everyone needs help sometimes. I want them to see that struggles can be beautiful. I want them to know that life is still full of joy. I want them to be part of the solution, not the problem. I want them to have faith in themselves and in their abilities to change the world. I hope that as they get older their faith will in return spread to their friends and to strangers that they meet. I hope that they can help spread love in this sometimes-cruel world.

I go to church for them, I pray for them, and I try to be their shepherd so that they can have the best start possible. Being a parent is a gift and a responsibility. My faith is wrapped around their hearts.

Day 337 - Remember this

Remember this, God does not answer our prayers over night. He works slowly within us. He does that on purpose. So even when you are deep in your grief and it feels like you will never pull out of it, He promises that it will get better. He promises that He does have plans for you. Just trust Him and keep your faith high. I vividly remember so many nights this year when I felt like there was no way things could ever feel, look, or seem better and yet they did. It took time, a lot of courage, and so much faith. You have it in you to get through whatever it is that you are facing. Just believe that it is a season of your life and face every hurdle with the knowledge that if you keep jumping, eventually you will arrive.

I did, and I have a new marathon in front of me and I know that I can handle the trail.

Day 336 - Constantly and consistently

I have been very aware this entire year how fortunate we are that our problems were strictly financial. In fact, I thanked God continuously that we would be able to survive our problems with our health, safety and each other. There is a whole side of faith and heartache that I have never experienced up close. It scares me.

I feel like people's lives are falling apart around me. Why are so many bad things happening to so many good people? The things that my friends and loved ones are dealing with are intense and I have absolutely no experience in dealing with them. All I can remember is something I have spoken about on here before. When someone is hurting all you can do is get into the pit of grief that they are in, and be there with them, no matter how long it takes. It's a place where there is no judgment or advice, just an ear and a heart. I am trying to do that the best that I can.

I am praying for the people in my life who are hurting right now. Not just praying once, but praying constantly and consistently.

Day 335 - Be okay

This year I have learned to be content when things do not happen perfectly. When I am running late, not doing my best work, having a bad day, or struggling to finish something, I remind myself that everything is going to be okay. Most of my life, these things never would have sat well with me and I would have been upset or angry. I hate being late or not having things go the way I had planned. But now, when I am in my car struggling to get somewhere, I tell myself that it's going to be okay. Or if I am worried about money, I tell myself it will all work out. And you know what? It always does. God taught me that this year. We are survivors and somehow we make it through the least ideal situations. If you have a good attitude it won't ruin your day. My life feels less run by external circumstances (like being a slave to the clock) and more geared towards being at peace with the way life rolls out. I guess learning to let go when God takes things away helps in other areas too.

Day 334 - Reminders

I had this Faith ornament custom made and I put it on my tree yesterday. It's just a small reminder of what we went through this year. I am already starting to forget how bad it was and how much we struggled. I think it's similar to how we forget how painful and hard it can be to deliver a baby and so we sign up for it again and again. I guess the best gifts really are from God and he eventually comforts our heart so that we can move on and face new situations. I believe in placing little reminders in our lives, they keep you humble, aware and empathetic to others who may be facing pain in the lives, even when you don't feel that pain daily anymore.