There is something I want to talk about, mostly because I want it documented as a part of my life of faith. When we had our first baby, a gorgeous little boy, we said that we only wanted one more. When the ultrasound of the second baby showed us a girl, we thought we were done. We even gave away all our son's old baby clothes, we were that sure. That feeling changed the day my daughter was born. As soon as I held her and oohed and ahhed about how amazing she was, I told my husband that I wasn't done having kids. It wasn't a thought; it was an intense feeling that came over me. I will never forget that moment. He laughed, but I knew in my heart that our chapter of having babies was not over. I was not ready to close that book. And so twenty-one months later another boy was born. Three kids to fill my heart, but this time it seemed like that chapter had closed because they tied my tubes (with my permission) during my c-section. After my first c-section I had a lot of scar tissue, which made it more difficult after each following c-section and they never knew what they would run into until they started the surgery. My third c-section was scary because my doctor had recommended that I stop at two, I was in tears going into it (plus he was pretty early), and so being blessed with three kids, I decided that I should not take any more risks and I allowed that chapter to close, or at least I thought it was closed.
As soon as I got home with baby #3 I felt that feeling again, the feeling that there is another spot to fill in our little family. A feeling that there is room for one more. I think about it all the time and I talk about it all the time. That feeling is very present in my life, especially when I see a mom with four children. However, I cannot carry another baby, which makes the whole feeling based on faith. I have left this chapter in God's hands, telling Him that I love my three babies and if our family is complete I will be content and happy forever. But, if there is a child out there made just for us, I will be waiting for that little miracle and I will be open to however he or she comes. I feel like God has put that intense longing into my heart for a reason. Maybe it has nothing to do with my little family or adding to it someday, but I feel like God has some kind of plan for me and I want to remember that I was waiting for that plan long before it happened. It is all in His hands.
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