The 10th anniversary of 9/11 has given me a bit of anxiety. The images and stories I have come across have been less about the victims and more about reliving the day. I don't want to relive the day, it's already a day I could never forget and I was safely in San Diego at the time. It brings up so much emotion and fear. I feel fearful when I think about 9/11, I think it's my first emotion that comes out followed by sadness. Hearing the stories again, even the ones with slightly better outcomes, is hard for me. Let's face it, 9/11 was horrific, even for someone safe and sound. After all, who felt safe anywhere anymore? I can't begin to imagine what it was like for people who were there, for people who lost loved ones, for people who tried to save lives, for people on the airplanes, and for all the people who worked tirelessly to clean up afterwards. I don't think there are any words or the right words for any of them. For me, I just feel scared again. That day was the first day of my life that I understood how unsafe the world is, it changed everything. And now, reliving it through the media again, I feel that panic and anxiety in my chest, the same way I felt it that day.
After saying all of that I do think it is important to properly reflect on the people who lost their lives because of 9/11 and to honor their memory. We promised to "Never Forget" and I intend to keep that promise. Today I will pray for all of the children, parents, family members and friends who lost someone they love. I will pray for the tens of thousands of people who are still suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder or ailments from working at the site. I will also pray for the safety of our country and the integrity of our leaders. I will pray for all the men and women who have fought to protect our country. I intend to reflect on what happened that day the best that I can and hopefully gently answer any questions my children might have. And I will remember how we unified as a nation and grew strength in our time of sorrow. Although none of that seems like enough.
I know one of the biggest questions from 9/11 and most major disasters is, "Where was God?" People have cried out to Him saying, "God why were you silent?" I have read certain articles where religious leaders have no direct answers to these questions because they say that we cannot begin to understand God's action or plans. We know this is true in little circumstances in our lives, but we need to grasp this even in the bigger schemes. A life of faith is just that, faith. Some families who lost loved ones dove deep into their faith, stating they don't know how anyone could get through something so terrible without it. Others have completely pushed their faith aside, saying they want no part of a God that would let this happen. Throughout time, throughout disasters, throughout horrific events it's something that will always be questioned. And, something that can never be answered simply because we are not God. We cannot not begin to understand how God works. I almost have a hard time saying that, because it also sounds so cliché, but if you have faith, it's kind of what you work off of every day. Faith that God is working, even in the worst times.
And then, I came across one particular bible verse that made me think of all of the victims and what they must have gone through in their last moments. As I saw it again, I recognized it as the verse that got me through my darkest years as I suffered the most from depression.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." -Revelation 21:4
It's not an answer, but more of a sense of comfort that their tears, fears and pain were taken away forever.
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Today is also my Grandma Ester's birthday. I want to make sure to honor the woman who taught me what it means to have class, grace, how to be generous, and how to be independent. Her love and lifelong lessons will stay with me forever.
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