Ultimately this blog is about my journey and my faith so I know that I do need to keep you updated on our situation. I do have to say that financially things are getting harder but we are totally getting through it and things are finding ways to work out. It's funny because sometimes I wonder if there is a lesson I haven't quite learned yet, something God really wants me to get, because otherwise I'm wondering how long this is going to last and when Mark and I will finally be on the upswing. I mean Mark got laid off in December but ultimately we have been going through this since mid 2008. I'm use to going without, I never shop for myself, I make due with what we have and I save up for things we really want. We adjust plans to fit our situation and we make the best of things. I don't know what I'm missing, but I feel like there must be something else. But, when I stop my frantic worrying and stay true to my belief that things will be amazing again one day, then I can just keep plugging forward and believe that God will provide for us financially day by day (and he is).
As far as my design business, I am almost done closing out old projects. I just have a few things left that require a little more time. I am thinking that this week will be my last week of late nights every day. I now can see that this is a good thing. I can take better care of my family and if God doesn't have some amazing plans for me between now and end of summer, then maybe the plan is that I will be able to regroup and really plan out my end of year business strategies. I have never been able to do that before and I think I could have a really successful end of year just by being able to plan ahead and do my best work! So I know in my heart that taking a vacation, even though I love it, is really what I am suppose to be doing right now. I am being 100% faithful on this account.
I do want to point out that even though I feel really down about our financial situation, God has blessed me in amazing ways over the last few months. If I am rich in any way, it's rich with amazing family and friends (old and new). I do not feel alone at all. It's actually pretty wonderful. I guess we naturally long to be financially rich and we often don't see the value of our other blessings.
I have also been going through a growth spurt in another area. If something was needed in Brody's classroom, I could always take care of it, whether materials or money. When people needed a donation I could donate to as many people and as often as I wanted. If my kids wanted a birthday party, I could give them a fun party with all their friends. If it was a dear friend's birthday I could go buy her something really special. If we were with friends or family, we could treat them to dinner. If someone needed something, I could swoop in and try to rescue them. I was always able to provide. I liked providing. I liked swooping in. But right now especially, I have to say no. I have to pick my donations. I have to be very creative for a party. I have to show up to celebrate a friend's birthday with no gift. We cannot treat our friends and family to a dinner out. And I cannot swoop in and fix things for other people. I have to say no. It's a really interesting place for me to be in and it's hard. I just don't feel like myself and I feel like it's not projecting who I am. I guess the only lesson I can get out of it right now is that I just have to accept that this is the way things are and I have to move on.
But there is a bit of light that has entered my life lately. My dream, since I use to write poems in my journals on rainy days in elementary school, was to be a writer. The type of writer I wanted to be has always changed. It was a poet when I was small, a magazine editor as I got older, and a nonfiction writer in my adulthood. I have always had ideas for books but just never was ready for the words to come out. Lately though, I just feel like somehow my dream is more attainable, like God is whispering to me that maybe it could happen. It always seemed so impossible before but now I see the possibility that maybe the dream I have held in my heart for as long as I can remember, has a chance. That feeling is pretty amazing.
So that is where I am at right now. I am 66 days into my journey, only 299 more days to go.
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