Day 90 - Grace and peace

I came across part of a bible verse that I think is so beautiful. So today's post is short and sweet, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

"...Grace and peace be yours in abundance." - 1 Peter 1:2

Day 89 - At home

I realize that when you read my posts it may seem like I am unhappy being a stay-at-home mom or it's not fulfilling enough for me, but that's not how I feel.

When I was working I never had any intention of being a stay-at-home mom. I was so happy being a mom and having a career, I felt like I had it all and my son was well adjusted and a very happy boy. It was exactly as I had always imagined it would be. I always knew I would go to college, get a great job and work my butt off to have a great career and a happy family at home.

God had different plans for me. I was laid off on my first day back from maternity leave with my daughter and at the time I couldn't imagine going to get a new job right away, so my plan was to look for a job (how hard could it be) and stay home and be a mommy for awhile. Of course in my mind it was just temporary. I have the funniest stories of trying to adjust to life as a stay-at-home mom with two kids, especially since it wasn't what I had planned for. I have amazing mom friends who put me to shame because they were literally born to be mothers. They nurture, teach, do amazing outings, and so much more. I am not one of them; in fact I hate the park. You would totally have to know me to know what a big adjustment it was! Well one year led to another, job hunts all came to a dead end, and I grew into this place of being the main caregiver for my kids. It became very clear to me that once again, God literally pushed me into place. I never would have done it on my own; I would not have given up my career. He wants me to be with my kids and I love being with them. No one else can take care of them like I do. I cannot ignore the obvious ways God made this happen, even on the hardest days with tantrums, tears and fits or when I feel like I am not being the person I THINK God made me to be. It's funny how sometimes we think we know better.

We all have places we want to be. There are moms who feel they were born to be a stay-at-home mom but cannot right now. There are men and women unemployed and struggling. There are people who feel stuck in a job. How do we know if it's God's will for our life or if we should be doing something else? Pray about it, ask God to speak to you, look for obvious signs and don't ignore them when they are not the ones YOU want. Take time to really gain perspective on where you have come, where you are now and where you are going. Be obedient, do some soul searching, accept the fact that you are not in control and be thankful for what you do have. These are things I am learning every day.

Day 88 - Hello I hear you again!

This will not come as a shock to you, but part of my new bible study last night was about feeling discouraged about what you are doing (or not doing) in your life at this moment. It talked about if you are not flourishing as much as you thought you would be, that God has equipped you to be where you are and to go through whatever you are going through. Your current situation is needed for the plans God has for you, so don't be discouraged. If you read my last two blog posts, you would know that God is speaking directly to me in response to the despair I felt a few days ago. I poured my heart on the page and he is talking to me, and has been for two days now (very clearly might I add).

This time around He used David as an example, not Gideon. As I understand it, when Samuel went to find whom God would anoint as the next king, he choose David who was young, ruddy in appearance and the last one in this particular house that anyone would have thought would be chosen. Sound familiar? He was chosen 22 years before he would actually reign as King. What did he do for those 22 years? He was still doing ordinary work like tending to the sheep. I feel like I am tending the sheep right now (which actually is a good metaphor for being at home with my kids) instead of doing the big things I had imagined. But it was said that everything that you do helps empower you to where you are going, so do not be discouraged! All seasons of life have a reason.

I feel peace in my heart right now.

Day 87 - Connection

After writing yesterday's blog post I immediately read a devotional in my inbox that was about Gideon! Do you remember how I told you Gideon was a possible baby name for our son and the meaning behind it? You can re-read that post here. I was feeling pretty low about myself, but this caught my attention! Here are some of sections from the devotional that really spoke to me:

• Perhaps he hoped to do great things for God when the conditions were right, but, for now, Gideon saw himself as just a guy cranking wheat through a creaky old winepress.
• Gideon was still stuck in tunnel vision, believing what he thought and what he saw defined the truth. To paraphrase the ancient Hebrew, Gideon told God, “I just don’t have what it takes, Lord. I know you’re perfect, but I think you made a mistake.” (Judges 6:15)
• It doesn’t matter what Gideon says about himself or what others say about Gideon. Only one opinion counts: God’s.
• The strength of the Sender (God) is more important than the strength, or perceived weakness, of the one being sent (Gideon).
• Trust in God’s strength and do what he tells you to do.

In my blog post I said that the name Gideon will always be a part of my son's story, but now I am realizing it is a part of my story too. It moved me over a year ago and it still does now. When I read the devotional I felt like God was directly telling me through Gideon's story, that he is working in my life that same way too. And, while I am having hesitations about my place in this world, He is telling me that I am a warrior even if I don't see it in myself right now and that He has plans for me. God purposely used less than 2 pages from the Bible that I already have a deep connection with, in someone else's devotional, to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I really needed that.

Day 86 - Pity party anyone?

Today I am having a pity party. When talking about what my current job is with an old friend, I felt really lame. I had nothing to say. It's not that I don't love my little business or being at home with my kids, but I worked really hard for a lot of years expecting to be in a much more prestigious place. My current situation does not reflect how hard I worked at getting my BA or how much I gave up to get my MBA while working and being a new mom. My current situation does not show how hard I worked at my old job and how many ladder rungs I climbed there. Right now I don't feel like where I am reflects who I am at all. It's really hard for me and today it felt like a kick in the gut. I felt like a loser (and no one made me feel like that but myself).

I think that this is a lesson in pride, materialism and happiness that I haven't learned fully yet. In general I am really optimistic about our future and whatever God must have planned for me, but I can't shake my desire for more. I can't shake my disappointment for what I am not doing right now. I can't hide that I have always worked towards being personally and financially successful and that is still something my heart misses. I just feel lost and I feel like all the hard work I did was for nothing. I have nothing to show for any of it.

So that's my pity party and like I have always said, now it's time to move on. So tomorrow will be a new day and I will keep my head up and have faith that what God has planned for me is good work; work I will be proud of someday. I am going to have to remind myself something I have taped to my computer:

God I want your will, not mine.

Day 85 - This path

Maybe you can tell by my posts lately that I am struggling a lit bit. I think that having faith is actually the harder choice in life. You can no longer blame others, pretend that everything is okay or make the easy choices to "fix" your situation. You really can't spend your days complaining and saying "why me" and you certainly can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself all the time. A life of faith is a life with unexplained questions and blind trust. It won't be easy. Yet, a life of faith is a life with miracles, blessings, an understanding of a greater purpose, a belief in yourself, peace in your heart and soulful acceptance. It is a life full of love.

I am definitely not going to lie to you and pretend that everything is roses and ice cream. My faith is stronger than ever, but I am on a rocky path. I feel weary. I'm sure it's lack of sleep, a lot of questions, and just being a little tired of our situation. I don't feel good about myself all the time and I feel unsure about what my purpose is. But, the good news is that having faith keeps me moving forward because I know there is a purpose to everything; I don't need to wander around without hope in my heart. Having faith keeps me on the narrow path, the path that I can be sure will do good work no matter how rocky it might be. Even though the other path is more popular and seems easier, I know that this path is where I belong.

Day 84 - My days

There is so much on my mind today and I am having a hard time focusing on writing this post.

I have been turning away design work like I said I would, but I have so much going on with projects that need to be finished so I have been up until 1am every night. I am exhausted. I'm confused on what God wants me to be doing right now and I am still not getting that rest or that quality time with my hubby that I was aiming for. Every week I just hope the next week starts getting better, but it doesn't.

I have also really been struggling with my eating habits right now, big time. I am using food to cope with the stress, but then I am stressed about my body and the way I look. I don't even like looking in the mirror. I know that I need to pray about this more and give it to God but somehow it never gets done. God, can you hear me? Please help me get my self-control back. Please help me to love myself enough to take care of myself.

Today was also full of a few big disappointments. Navigating your kids and yourself through those can be tricky and exhausting. I also normally walk the fine line between being really conscientious of other people's feelings and sticking up for myself and doing what is best for my family. Today in a situation where I would normally just leave things, I stuck up for my family.... it felt good.

I was also reminded today that when other people let you down (either on purpose or unintentionally), your parents and family will always be there to help make things better (thanks Mom).

Today is my sweet baby girl's 3rd birthday and I am in awe of how much she has grown. I love everything about her, even the way she challenges me most days. She is going to be fiercely independent and stubborn (like her mom). I just pray that I am raising her to be the best woman that she can be.

And, my mind won't turn off thinking about Jessie whom I posted about yesterday. I think about her, her parents, everything about the circumstance and I weep. And then I read her dad's posts and see:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6.34

Each day does have enough trouble. I think about today and all the things I just said that were on my mind. It's a lot. I know you can relate to them though; Stress, anxiety, busyness, disappointment, struggle, not loving yourself, temptation, heartache, fear and deep love. Our circumstances may be different but we are still the same. We may internalize differently but we all feel. And yet, God tells us just to worry about what we have to worry about today. So that must mean that we need to have faith for tomorrow and the next day, and next day, and so on. And, maybe with our faith we just continue to pray, instead of worry, about all the things we cannot forget or struggle with. We just hand the tomorrows and the yesterdays over to God so that we can live for the moment, for the today.

I'm still trying to figure this all out.

Day 83 - Prayers needed

Today's post is asking for prayers; hourly prayers, daily prayers or any prayers you can give. These prayers are not for me; they are for this sweet girl below.

This beautiful girl is Jessica Joy Rees and she is in the 6th grade. I heard about Jessica's story this week from my mom. Jessica's father Erik Rees was my mother's boss and is a pastor at Saddleback Church. On March 3rd an MRI found an inoperable tumor in her brain and she is currently receiving radiation and chemo at CHOC. Jessica and her family need our prayers now. Yesterday her dad said, "PLEASE keep asking your family and friends to pray for my daughter Jessie. We need God to show up BIG TIME! Please pass it on." So I am passing it on. I have enough faith to believe in a miracle.

So what can you do besides praying for Jessica?

* You can go to her website to get more information!

* You can become a fan on her Facebook page; she has a goal for 10,000 fans so that she can help spread joy and NEGU (never ever give up).

*You can also sign up to get more information on her JoyJars, which are jars that will be filled with goodies and the proceeds will go to CHOC and cancer research. She is hoping they will be ready by May 1st, so we can all support her by buying them.

*If you would like more information or to send deliveries you can contact:

Rick Brotherton
rick@brotherton.com
C/O Jessie Rees
9 Franklin Way
Ladera Ranch, CA 92694
949-218-5566

* You can provide a blessing by sending a gift of Restaurants on the Run to her family. Gift certificates can be purchased and sent immediately by email to help@jessicajoyrees.com. Or you can send a Shell Gas Gift Card to the address above. Daily trips back and forth to CHOC has to be expensive. Jessie also loves Chick-fil-a, Jamba Juice, In-N-Out, Simon Gift Cards, Subway, Starbucks, California Pizza Kitchen and PF Changs.

* You can also organize an event to raise money for Jessie or incorporate NEGU or JoyJars. Just contact Rick Brotherton at the info above.

This blog is all about faith and I know that is what Jessica and her family are living off of now. Let's be a part of their story. Jessica's bible verses are:

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." – Philippians 4:13

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

Lots of love to Jessica and her family and I am dedicated to praying for them and helping in any way that they might need me.

Day 82 - What happens

I may write this blog every day in hopes of inspiring others... but you constantly inspire me. I am inspired when you teach me what it means to be a good person and when you remind me how to care for others by opening your heart. I don't have the right words to explain exactly what I mean, but the actions of two women this week has blown me away. Their acts of love and generosity reminded me about the good in people, despite what we see on the news. Whether it was a gift or just an unexpected email with globs of support, it made my week. It made me feel loved and reminded me that even people who may not be a part of your every day life do care about you. I need to be that kind of person too. The person who doesn't sit in the dark and watch someone go through a hard time, but tries to help however they can, no matter who they are. (Thank you S & L).

My devotional today was about the choices we make as we move forward, "will we fulfill God’s purpose, or will we shrink back and live a comfortable, self-centered life? Will we live for our own goals, comfort, and pleasure, or will we live the rest of our lives for God’s glory, knowing that he has promised eternal rewards?" I never really thought about it before, but what happens when I am no longer at a crossroad and life is going really good? Will I still be the person that I am right now or does that intensity end when I struggle less? How do I make sure that I don't lose what is in my heart right now? I think part of the answer to that is making sure other people are a priority in my life, always. I guess the rest I will have to learn for myself when that time comes.

Day 81 - Hope

It's almost like I blinked my eyes and now we went from feeling hopeless to having possibilities. It's amazing how quickly things can change. Mark's interview last week went great and we are waiting to hear what the next step is. Mark also had a phone interview today and he has been fielding some other calls from recruiters. We literally went from silence to hope. Plus, all of these opportunities would allow us to continue to build our business and keep that dream alive as well. And then to top it off, I may have an opportunity for an at-home part-time job that would help a lot. Nothing is even close to certain, but it's just having hope that makes you feel better, at least for us. Hope makes everything feel more plausible.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9

Here's to hoping that Mark and I can begin to reap our harvest soon because I know that we have never given up or stopped doing good.

I am also taking this week to pray as much and as often as I can for other people (friends, family & strangers). There is a lot going on around me, it feels like more than normal. God already knows my heart and desires so I am really making an extra push and focusing on praying for as many people as I can. I know that they need it badly right now. And not just for the obvious, but for help in their relationships, their hearts and their desires. Join me this week!

Day 80 - Faith & trust

I have to tell you that I feel like I am battling a lot of fears right now. When disasters and sadness hit it's hard not to be afraid that you are next. I just finished reading the OC Register's article about the memorial they held for Maddie James on Sunday. I cried. Another sweet girl Jessica Joy Rees has an inoperable brain tumor; she is the daughter of a pastor at my church and only in 6th grade. They will be starting her on radiation this week. I'm crying more. Reading about Japan is as devastating as ever. People are also constantly talking about earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear meltdowns and radiation hitting us. And of course there is talk about the end of the world. It's frightening; no matter how much you try to ignore it. In the last week we have had some sickness and sleepless nights in our house and I am so afraid that something terrible is wrong with one of us. I feel helpless with my irrational fears. What do we do when it feels like the world has turned upside down? How do we calm our fears?

After I wrote the paragraph above I went and looked through old notes to see what answers I could find about fear. God had two obvious words for me FAITH and TRUST. Should I be surprised that these are the solutions? We have to trust God when we are afraid. We have to choose faith to cure our fears.

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done." -Philippians 4:6

"Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! I am the Lord your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

"Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you." -Exodus 14:13

"Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge." -Psalm 62:8

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God..." -John 14:1

You cannot deny how clear it is that we are supposed to have faith in and trust God. No one can tell us the future and we cannot let our fears dictate what we think is happening. Just have faith and trust. Today is a new day for me to practice that.

Day 79 - Quote

"We get ourselves in so much trouble when we start comparing ourselves to others. But when we do this, God says, “What is that to you?”" -Rick Warren

Day 78 - A lot to be thankful for

This week has been a week where nothing went the way I wanted. Thursday I had jury duty and was hoping to read a book and play on my laptop, instead I was in a courtroom the entire day and left with a migraine. Yesterday I was hoping to have lunch with a friend and I had a headache instead. Today I was hoping for a fun day with the family and I pulled my back out and got sick. What do you do when nothing goes the way you want? You can complain, cry that it's not fair, stomp your feet or you can thank God for everything you do have. You can be grateful for the things that are right and fruitful in your life.

I keep hearing bad news all around me. Sweet little girl Maddie James passed away last week. A father in our community died in a plane crash a few days ago. A beautiful daughter of a pastor has an inoperable brain tumor. My friend has a friend who's cancer is not going away. And then there is Japan. We have so many things to be thankful for, so many blessings in our life. So while I want to feel sorry for myself, how can I? I just have to take what I am given and move on. And when I talk to God, I remember to thank him for the health and safety of my family.

Day 77 - Simple but powerful

(Each day this week I want to share some outlying notes I took at church and some little random tidbits that really spoke to me last weekend).

There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain.

Everything circles back to your growth and what you do with every situation. If you choose to ignore the possibility of growth in the worst times....you are denying a blessing, and maybe the only blessing possible in a bad situation. You cannot run from change, fear, loss or pain. They are inevitable. No matter what comes your way it is always an opportunity for you to grow and become the person God intended you to be. It will be part of your story forever.

Day 76 - Dreamer

(Each day this week I want to share some outlying notes I took at church and some little random tidbits that really spoke to me last weekend).

Have a realistic picture of the road ahead.

I am a dreamer by nature. The quote above was from sermon notes back in July, however I didn't write any outlier notes so I can't exactly remember the context of what they were teaching us. Either way, that sentence really hit home for me. It made me take a step back. I have been dreaming big in my head thinking that just around the corner is the rainbow and the silver lining. That right around the corner is my dream come true. After all, don't things have to get better and won't I have this happy ending because I am listening to God and trying to please Him? It's almost like I am taking my faith in my situation a step too far with such big dreams. Don't get me wrong, I think dreams are what make you come alive, but at the same time I have to be real about the road ahead. The rainbow I was hoping for might not be there. I might have some amazing things happen, but any life is full of sharp curves, speed bumps, hills to climb and roadblocks. If I want to live the long race I have to know that things won't magically get better. They just won't. And maybe you are feeling the opposite, you feel like life is just one roadblock after another. You are closing your eyes on your drive, afraid of what is ahead, but you don't see the ocean view, some amazing speedways and new roads to explore. And, maybe if we keep our eyes open and look at our life with eyes of faith we will get to pass under that rainbow we were waiting for or maybe it will be an amazing sunset. Either way we will know that we can navigate any thing that comes our way because we will enjoy any beauty that we pass. I know that the beauty will far outlast anything thing else. I know that just by looking into my babies' eyes. I also know that we can create our own beauty too, we can plant flowers along our road and sprinkle the earth with seedlings to put beauty on someone else's path.

Day 75 - Growing pains

(Each day this week I want to share some outlying notes I took at church and some little random tidbits that really spoke to me this weekend).

There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain.

I am in the middle of growing pains. Nothing is the way I imagined, I cannot control anything and I keep having to change the plans I had for myself. At times it makes me flat out depressed. I have a lot of fear in my heart about the future and I mourn the parts of my life that I really liked a lot. The quote above...I get it...I feel it. But you know what else? I understand it. I want to be a better person and I want to fulfill God's purpose for me. If doing so means I have to experience change, fear, loss and pain then I will humbly do it. I have faith that the end result will be amazing. I really do. So I guess we have to keep telling ourselves that we have to experience a lot of emotional turbulence to grow and when we are in the middle of it, we have to remember that it is all part of a bigger picture. I guess that is having the wisdom to find the beauty in things too, isn't it. It takes a lot of faith to keep moving forward and stomping through the heartache. Let's do it together.

Day 74 x 2

I already wrote a post for today but still wanted to catch up on our life right now:

I can't explain the ways God is blessing me. It's like blessing after blessing after blessing. They may not be financial, but it's like God is saying that he can do wonders in all areas of your life and finances are just one part of it. Like I said, we usually only measure our wealth financially, but we can be wealthy in so many areas. I feel like every few days God says, "here you go, here's something else." Today I found out that the dad of one of Brody's friends is a tennis instructor. I have played tennis since I was five years old and it is a part of who I am. But I haven't played at all since I started having kids. I talk about it, but it never happens. So I was walking on a cloud today realizing that God placed someone that could help me play tennis again into my life. What are the chances? I keep meeting amazing people who are becoming influences in my life. I have amazing conversations with my friends. I find money or gift cards in the bottom of my purse. And, I feel like I am growing into myself more and more. If I could count up all those kind of blessings, I would be rich.

As far as our financial situation, I have literally given it all to God. I am trusting Him to take care of us. And somehow we are doing the best we can and the major things are getting paid. As soon as we think we don't have any more, we get a tax return to keep us afloat. I try to keep the worrying and stressing to a minimum because I told God I would trust Him. That's a lot of faith. Today Mark told me that there is a good chance that we will lose all of his side work income (not his fault), which would be crazy because that is most of what we barely have. But instead of crying or worrying I'm just going to trust that it is part of the circumstance and have faith that it will be okay. At the same time Mark has a first interview on Wednesday and with our new company he has closed a few deals so there is hope with our faith.

Life is certainly not perfect, it's not even easy, but it's still good. I may be tired and worn out but hope makes you float. And faith, well faith is what gets you through it all.

Day 74 -Be nice

(Each day this week I want to share some outlying notes I took at church and some little random tidbits that really spoke to me this weekend).

Any fool can criticize but it takes wisdom to see the beauty in all things.

We all need to live by this more. I freely put my hand up to admit that I criticize more than I should. It's so easy to judge someone else's situation based on what we see and the internet and blogging world gives us millions of other people to criticize as much as we choose. It's a mean, mean world out there.... I have read those comment boards after newspaper articles where anyone can write their opinions. I often wonder where the people who write them live and why they are so angry. But, I often find my own anger in critical viewpoints I give, whether to the person or behind their back. When I say things, I can hear my hurts and insecurities coming out in the amount of gusto I say them with. The worst part is that I am really trying to see the beauty in things and while I can see that I am getting better at it, I think that it is a life long process.

So what do we do? God clearly tells us to live our life with love and let love motivate everything we do. I also think that practicing silence is important. I am so bad at this but when I really think about it, I don't need to have an opinion about everything. Or at the very least, I can learn to keep my opinion to myself. And, we can definitely stay out of circles of peers that we find are quick to attack others. I just read a blog post about a woman who was fed up with the handmade community because they were constantly bashing each other in cliques. She was confessing her part but also seeking some relief from how bad it was by being honest. You have to stand up and move forwards sometimes because it's so easy to get caught up. I liked an example at church where Jesus says, "...what is that to you." Meaning, it's none of your business, stay out of it, it doesn't concern you. Hmmmmm I am so guilty of this.

So what do we do? After reading through Proverbs I felt like it was saying over and over again that the key to a fulfilling life is gaining wisdom and you become wise by giving love, being humble, listening to others, serving others, loving yourself and following the word of God. So if it takes wisdom to see the beauty in all things then we need to practice all of that and then with time and practice we will no longer be any fool who can criticize. I am working on it.

Day 73 - Relating

(Each day this week I want to share some outlying notes I took at church and some little random tidbits that really spoke to me this weekend).

It's Monday.

Over the last few weeks I have noticed that everyone I talk to is extra tired, stressed and weary. Me too. My kids have been taking me on a wild ride and our family schedule is crazy. On more than one occasion last week I spoke to a mom that didn't want to admit that they were feeling overwhelmed or tired. They felt like if they did that then they would be saying that their kids are not good, that they cannot handle their role as a mom, that their marriage isn't perfect or that they were complaining. But, my favorite conversations are with moms who share their bad days, their hurts and their frustrations! Because after a few sentences we can all relate and you know what we end up doing? We laugh a lot! It makes me feel human and I love it. I love relating to other people with my hurts and heartaches. I love laughing with a group of girls about things that our husbands do or telling stories about potty training that perhaps were not funny at the time, but we can laugh about them now. I love relating with my dad or a friend's husband about stresses when our lives are so different. I love it when we are honest with each other (if you know me I like to throw in a little sarcasm too). Honesty about who we are is what builds loving relationships. Each of us can relate to so many people because we have so many different avenues in our lives and sometime we have to open up and be honest first to build that relationship. I am never surprised when I become friends with someone I never would have thought I could relate to. And I am really never surprised when I see how being authentic about your own life can change other people's lives. It is scary to open up to people, but I think it is scarier to be alone.

Being authentic means you are honest about your weaknesses and mistakes.

Day 72 - Listen

Listen to the words of the wise;
apply your heart to my instruction.

-Proverbs 22:17

Day 71 - Asking Him

Thursday night, before I found out about the devastation in Japan, I had written a different post for Friday morning. My post was telling you that I had asked God for a miracle with our finances, something I had never done before because I have always felt like things were happening for a reason. But when I was writing in my prayer journal it just kind of leapt on the page and when I blinked it was there. Of course as soon as I heard about the devastation in Japan, I erased it. I erased it because asking for anything when you see how lucky you are to be safe and alive just feels wrong. At that moment anything I could ever want was tied up in hoping that the images of cars trying to escape the tsunami were not real and that maybe the drivers somehow survived. It really made me feel like any prayers for myself were just greedy, but whether or not I blogged about it, I had already asked God for my own little miracle so I couldn't take it back.

The next morning I checked our messages and there was one from a company Mark had wanted to work for. They have a position open and they wanted to see if he would be interested in interviewing for it. Mark hasn't interviewed yet and I don't know if it will pan out, but I do know there is no such thing as a coincidence. I felt like God was telling me that He still heard my cries for help and my needs still matter.

While asking for our miracle I found this bible verse:

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. -Hebrews 4:16

I think it is one of the most beautiful verses I have come across, it literally sings to me. I feel like God wants us to keep things in perspective, to see how precious life is every day. That is so easy to see in something so devastating and in such large proportions as what happened in Japan. But I also feel like if we know in our hearts how precious life is, that God will still want to hear our sorrows and our needs. It isn't being greedy if it comes from a pure heart. I see friends who are in a hard place and people constantly tell them that it could be worse and they should feel lucky that their family is healthy, so they feel guilty wanting things. But I think God wants to hear everything, He already knows that you are grateful for what you have. It doesn't make your needs any less important.

That's just the feeling I have.

Day 70 - Praying

I wrote an entirely different post today, but erased it. It is 12:13am and I am heartbroken watching the news in Japan. All of my thoughts and prayers are with them right now. I know that faith is tested and tried in major catastrophes like these and I am so thankful to be safe and sound in my little house. Watching the news right now makes all of my wants disappear.

I am praying.

Day 69 - Another step forward

I have been going to church for as long as I can remember and I have been at the same church since I was 12. But, other than when I was very involved in my high school small group, I am the church member who goes on Sundays only. Sure I took the one class I needed so I could become a member and dedicate my children and I attend special events, but that's it. I leave the rest of my faith up to me, which I have always been fine with. But I know better now. I know that I need to do more so that I have more knowledge and inspiration for you. So I am signing up for my first Women's Bible Study. This is long overdue and I know that this is the direction I need to go so that I can better myself and grow in my faith. I need to learn more so that I can be more. It is just time and I cannot keep pushing it off.

What is it that you have been pushing away or ignoring? Is it doing something, giving something up, fixing something or confronting a fear? If I can keep taking these steps of faith so can you. No excuses.

Day 68 - Life is hard

Life is hard, am I right? We are all blessed with different gifts and talents that make some things easier for us than others.... but life is still hard. Some people are blessed with financial wealth, or amazing relationships or their health... but life is still hard. There is no way to get around it and you can try and avoid it for as long as you can, but it will still catch up to you. So how do we get through it? We keep moving forward.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." -2 Timothy 1:7

Instead of being afraid or discouraged, we need to keep moving forward with power, love and self-discipline. We need to wade through all the hard stuff knowing that it all will be worth it. We do that by making good decisions, listening to God, loving the unlovable (which is sometimes ourselves) and having faith that it is all for our purpose.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. - Hebrews 12:1

No matter how hard life is there are still amazing, wonderful and beautiful rewards that God provides us. When we are at our lowest it is hard to see all of those things but they are there. We can enjoy a life of purpose, peace and power. We can be a blessing to others and we can be a blessing to God. There is so much potential in you, just don't give up.

(It's hard to explain, but this post was very weird to write. But I am confident it is intentionally written for someone out there. So to that person(s), you are not alone and God is speaking to you.)

Day 67 - I'm listening

When I sat down to write today's post....I was blank. I couldn't think of anything to write about. I knew I wanted something more upbeat and positive but nothing was coming to mind. I looked around at my desk and at the bible verses on my computer, but still no ideas. I felt empty of inspiration. I realized that I have not been studying the bible or having alone time with God lately. I have been so distracted and busy that I have been neglecting my prayers and my quiet time. Since I had nothing to write about I decided to catch up on the church service I missed on Sunday (I love that I can do that). Wouldn't you know that the whole service was about why you need to talk to God and what distracts you from talking to Him. I'm sorry but I had a good laugh because the timing was perfect. I hear you God and I'm listening.

It's funny that an entire section of the sermon was about eliminating your distractions. It said that if you are too distracted you can't hear God because you are pulled in so many directions. Is anyone else thinking about how God made it clear I needed to take a break from my work? Instead of having time to pray and gain inspiration, all I do is work at night. And I am always stressed out and exhausted. God is clearly taking away my distractions so I can have more quiet time (which in turn gives me more inspiration for this blog and allows me to pray more for others).

I am never amazed at the ways God gets my attention. If I had heard this service on Sunday it wouldn't have been the same. But right when I questioned my faithfulness, God answered and He answered clearly. Amazing!

Day 66 - Updates

Ultimately this blog is about my journey and my faith so I know that I do need to keep you updated on our situation. I do have to say that financially things are getting harder but we are totally getting through it and things are finding ways to work out. It's funny because sometimes I wonder if there is a lesson I haven't quite learned yet, something God really wants me to get, because otherwise I'm wondering how long this is going to last and when Mark and I will finally be on the upswing. I mean Mark got laid off in December but ultimately we have been going through this since mid 2008. I'm use to going without, I never shop for myself, I make due with what we have and I save up for things we really want. We adjust plans to fit our situation and we make the best of things. I don't know what I'm missing, but I feel like there must be something else. But, when I stop my frantic worrying and stay true to my belief that things will be amazing again one day, then I can just keep plugging forward and believe that God will provide for us financially day by day (and he is).

As far as my design business, I am almost done closing out old projects. I just have a few things left that require a little more time. I am thinking that this week will be my last week of late nights every day. I now can see that this is a good thing. I can take better care of my family and if God doesn't have some amazing plans for me between now and end of summer, then maybe the plan is that I will be able to regroup and really plan out my end of year business strategies. I have never been able to do that before and I think I could have a really successful end of year just by being able to plan ahead and do my best work! So I know in my heart that taking a vacation, even though I love it, is really what I am suppose to be doing right now. I am being 100% faithful on this account.

I do want to point out that even though I feel really down about our financial situation, God has blessed me in amazing ways over the last few months. If I am rich in any way, it's rich with amazing family and friends (old and new). I do not feel alone at all. It's actually pretty wonderful. I guess we naturally long to be financially rich and we often don't see the value of our other blessings.

I have also been going through a growth spurt in another area. If something was needed in Brody's classroom, I could always take care of it, whether materials or money. When people needed a donation I could donate to as many people and as often as I wanted. If my kids wanted a birthday party, I could give them a fun party with all their friends. If it was a dear friend's birthday I could go buy her something really special. If we were with friends or family, we could treat them to dinner. If someone needed something, I could swoop in and try to rescue them. I was always able to provide. I liked providing. I liked swooping in. But right now especially, I have to say no. I have to pick my donations. I have to be very creative for a party. I have to show up to celebrate a friend's birthday with no gift. We cannot treat our friends and family to a dinner out. And I cannot swoop in and fix things for other people. I have to say no. It's a really interesting place for me to be in and it's hard. I just don't feel like myself and I feel like it's not projecting who I am. I guess the only lesson I can get out of it right now is that I just have to accept that this is the way things are and I have to move on.

But there is a bit of light that has entered my life lately. My dream, since I use to write poems in my journals on rainy days in elementary school, was to be a writer. The type of writer I wanted to be has always changed. It was a poet when I was small, a magazine editor as I got older, and a nonfiction writer in my adulthood. I have always had ideas for books but just never was ready for the words to come out. Lately though, I just feel like somehow my dream is more attainable, like God is whispering to me that maybe it could happen. It always seemed so impossible before but now I see the possibility that maybe the dream I have held in my heart for as long as I can remember, has a chance. That feeling is pretty amazing.

So that is where I am at right now. I am 66 days into my journey, only 299 more days to go.

Day 65 - Not you

I think one of the things that has hit my heart over the last year is what I am going to call the It's Not About You Principle (I just totally made that up). I don't know what made me start feeling very strongly about it. I am assuming that somehow I either witnessed a situation or was directly affected by one, but either way I started on a path of trying to be better at it.

Sometimes we make things all about us, I think it's human nature. I certainly do it and can remember doing it in one or two situations where I definitely should not have and I regret them very much. So here are a few examples: something very bad happens to someone like a death or a tragedy and somehow you start using the word "I" in every sentence or you constantly Facebook about how sad YOU are, even though it is like your best friend's dad. Maybe you are sad, but right now you don't need to be making people feel sorry for you (because ultimately you know that's why you are doing it, for attention). Another example, you are in a store and the clerk is not as shiny and happy as you would like her to be, so you decide to be rude or loud and talk about it for the rest of the day. All the while she is going through a divorce and is just having a bad day, she wasn't intentionally being rude but instead of giving her a break, you made it about you. You have a standing appointment or group that is the same time every week, but it got changed to another night and you are really angry because it's not what you wanted (even though you can still make it), however what you don't know is that God was trying to place a new person into your life for a special reason and it had to be this way to make it work. I'm sure you get the picture, there are so many scenarios.

Like I said, I do these too so I am not claiming to be really great at this. But I am trying to be conscious about it. I find that when I have the It's Not About Me mentality, I am happier and nicer because I don't take things so personally and I see people as more human. I am also able to focus more on the person who deserves the attention instead and I can find ways to help them or be a better friend, which in turn makes me feel better about myself than the attention I would have been seeking elsewhere.

So this week I am encouraging you (and I will be practicing it too) to take a step back in certain situations and really see what is happening. It's funny what you see when you take your blinders off. Sometimes if I feel like I am being mistreated, I can actually see that it was never about me and that person is just hurting. Or if I cut someone some slack and just say, "hey they might be having a bad day," then I can go on with my day just as happily instead of being angry. It actually changes my outlook on everything. And if we start doing it, then maybe others will see it and start being kinder too. Sometimes God puts us in situations because we are necessary for someone else's growth and it actually isn't about us, we can't all be the star in every situation (and I really like to be the star).

Day 64 - Small things

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." -Mother Teresa

Day 63- You need to be inspired

Today's post is all about inspiration. Where do you get your inspiration from? You need to have things, people or words to inspire you. And if you don't, go find them. You need to keep yourself inspired. Inspiration is the fire in your heart that makes you want to be better.

What inspires me? I know it sounds a little silly, but I get a lot of inspiration from some reality television shows, particularly The Biggest Loser. Watching the contestant's transformations and seeing their faith in themselves grow every week, well, it gets me every time. It reminds me that we can all change. Shows like Top Chef also inspire me, where people are competing doing something they love. That kind of perseverance really makes me want to put myself out there!

Inspiration can be found in so many other places. Obviously The Bible is providing me with inspiration right now along with devotionals and listening to sermons. The Internet is a pretty amazing place and last night I came across a video from 2005 where Steve Jobs (CEO and co-founder of Apple and Pixar) gave the commencement speech at Stanford University. If you want to watch it go here. His speech was called How to Live Before You Die. I wanted to share some quotes from what he said because they were so inspirational coming from such a ridiculously successful man:

"You have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something; your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever, because believing the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path, and that will make the difference."

"Sometimes life is going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith."

"Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."

I try and find inspiration all around me. The days that I feel inspired are the days that I am able to keep moving, try new things and just make my life better (no matter what the circumstances are). But I find that when I stop trying to be inspired, I just let daily life drag me down and after awhile I am lifeless. Nothing magical comes from lifelessness.

For my Year of Faith, I have made a promise to keep finding daily inspiration. I want to keep moving forward, no matter how impossible things seem. That fire in my heart is what will make me believe that anything can happen.

Day 62 - I had a pity party

I'm just going to say it... today I had a pity-party for myself. A "why me, I'm crying out to you God, when is it going to stop, it's never going to get better, this sucks and I can't take it anymore" kind of day. A real true pity party, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if I stomped my feet at least once. It was just that kind of day. But it's over now. Maybe I just needed to get it out but I know that having a pity party not only is really unproductive but it completely questions my faith, the exact faith I promised to have for a whole year. I was able to regroup tonight, watch an amazing sermon online by Pete Wilson that I had missed and now I feel more confident than ever (despite all of the facts and numbers screaming at me otherwise).

For some reason I was curious enough about a pity party so I googled it. Here are some random things that I found:

* A pity party can actually add more stress and make you more upset.
* Norman Vincent Peale said: Tough times don't last but tough people do.
* If you search about a pity party, you will find a lot of people going through serious illnesses. That kind of changes your perspective.
* Someone threw herself a pity party on help.com and strangers left the nicest comments for her. Reading that made me feel better about the world.
* One website said, "The antidote to self-pity is thanking and praising God."
* I found someone who said reading the Serenity Prayer always helped them. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

Today my pity party led me through a lot of feelings. I felt scared, sad, hopeless, angry, confused and exhausted. Those are a lot of feelings in one day and obviously they are all associated with worry. Even someone living their year with faith can have moments when they question everything. I did all of that today. But from watching a really amazing sermon I learned that:

* God cares more about who we are becoming than what we are achieving

* God is with us the most when it seems like his presence is absent

* The greatest of all illusions is the illusion of control

* You should not ever abandon your God given values in the pursuit of your God given dreams

* The way you respond to your shattered dreams matters. Respond by being absolutely certain that God is with you.

I don't know if any of this can help you through your hard time. We all wonder why life is so difficult and we all face those ups and downs. My faith was teeter-tottering today between thinking that our situation is impossible to knowing that I need to keep having faith that this is the path I am on and that it has a purpose. And I can keep praying for our miracle to come.

P.S. If you want to watch the service I watched tonight by Pete Wilson go here. So amazing!
If you want to hear the service I spoke about on Monday by Matt Carter, go here.

Day 61 - Faith & Friends

When I sat down to write today's post, my mind felt more cluttered than usual. I am really feeling the financial pressure. All of our decisions are becoming more real every day and it's not getting better. Then I read an email devotional from today and the first sentence was, "Have you ever done the very thing God told you to do and then ended up in what seemed like a worse situation?" Um YES that is exactly how I was feeling two seconds before. I'm listening! It goes on to talk about Paul and how he took steps of faith based on his beliefs, not his circumstances. And, that God is in the best place to interpret the facts of your life so you need to have faith in him, not what's going on. You know what I liked the best? I liked that Paul kept the faith, even bound in chains and some of the letters that he wrote are part of the New Testament that we read today. He never could have known that.

Another thing I have been thinking about it is how amazing my friends are. They are wonderful, amazing & talented women. None of my friends are really alike and they all have these amazing capabilities and do things that inspire me daily. If you met them you would think they are just regular women (I still think we are young adults, but now that most of us are in our 30's I think women is the appropriate term). I have friends who bake delicious foods, who have great decorating sense, who aren't afraid to speak up, who are super clean, who are vulnerable, who have birthing plans, who have a home birth, who have great faith, who are sharp business women, who are loving, who put others first, who capture beautiful things, who look you in the eyes, who stay true to what they believe in, that share their sorrow and so much more. My faith in my friends is so strong. I know that they are all capable of even more than they could dream of. And, in my hardest time I can feel their faith in me. Friendships make life better. They do. I don't know what kind of friendships you have but if you feel like you could use some more amazing women (or men for all my male readers) I really encourage you to open your eyes. A lot of my friends go back to childhood, but some of my friends are from mom's I have met from my son's preschool & kindergarten classes. Or I have friends that were really a good friend of a mutual friend first. I can think of two special women that were my neighbors and, some that I use to work with. It may take some time and some bonding to make the connection but it is so worth it. If you put some extra care into meeting people and being a friend to them, you can have a whole different kind of faith in your life and you can find yourself becoming a better person because of it.

Day 60 - More about my crying

If you read my really really really long blog post below, I am sure you will remember the part about my crying. I cried in church and then in the bathroom and then in front of the pastor and a good twenty other people who must have thought I was crazy. I find it pretty funny. Sometimes I feel like I could possibly be an articulate person, well until I start sobbing to a stranger and make him feel totally uncomfortable. In my mind I can picture myself walking up, explaining how thankful I am and possibly telling him about my blog and my plight for people to have faith; faith in God or just faith in themselves. But no, all I said was, "I have a blog...(insert crying), I'm trying to help people, (more crying)"..... and then pretty much silence (and more crying). He kind of said thank you and patted me on the back at that point. So I walked away (crying). My son then took it upon himself to ask, "Mom are you crying because no one reads your blog?" Okay so obviously nothing came across right.

Today I reflected on what it was that made me cry so much. The sermon was amazing, but where did the tears come from? It was what he ended the sermon with, "He is going to complete the work He started in you." If I only had seven days to live, if I give up something that I love, if I keep my faith, then there is a promise that He will finish what he started in me. That is exactly what it is, a promise and a reward. It was like I just needed some reassurance that if I had enough faith to give up something that I love, that I would not be abandoned and that I would still have a purpose in the end. I really don't know what the outcome of His work will be in me; I just can't see it yet. But I know I want one. I want a purpose. But with those simple words I can have enough faith that He knows better than I do what it is and how to get there. That is the same promise and faith I am living on with Mark's new business and our finances. I think my soul just needed to hear it and it did (and maybe there were some other emotions locked up in there too that came out when the waterworks started, thank goodness for sunglasses).

I hope that in your day-to-day life or maybe in a crisis, you can find some comfort in knowing that if you keep having faith and moving forward He will finish the work He started in you. You may feel like you are at a dead end or that you have nothing left to give, but that's not the case.

"... That He who has begun a good work in you will complete it..." Philippians 1:6