For a long time I went to church by myself, and then I began taking the kids with me too. They love their Sunday routine and their sweet Sunday School classes and I love taking them. It's important for me to have my children grow up with that positive influence and my church has a phenomenal kids program from babies all the way to high school. I would know since I started going there when I was in elementary school. Sometime in the middle of My Year of Faith, Mark started going to church weekly with the kids and me. It was like all of my prayers had been answered, I wasn't trying to make him convert, but I loved having my family together on Sunday mornings. It is really important to me and I know that is why he went. I had been praying about it for a really long time so I felt like God was answering my prayers and starting a new chapter for us.
About three weeks ago, Mark decided he would rather attend Catholic Church instead of going with me to my church. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I felt like God had betrayed me. I felt like Mark was betraying everything I had worked for during our crazy year and that he gave up, although to be fair, his attitude had changed weeks before and I knew it was coming. I felt like I was starting my entire Year of Faith from day one again. I can't really explain how disappointed and upset I was, but I felt like my whole year of faith meant nothing. I know they are not correlated, but that's how it affected me. It's like I had prayed about this one thing for so long and it finally came true, and for quite awhile, and then it stopped one day. "God, why did you give it to me if you knew it would be taken away?" It was heartbreaking.
My church was just not speaking to Mark. In fact, one or two of his personal beliefs was coming head-to-head with what was being spoken about in church for an entire series and I know he just became tired of it. I get it; I would be the same way. I stand firm in my own faith. When I used to go alone people would ask me why he wasn't there and I would always tell them that I do not believe in trying to force someone to go to church. You cannot manipulate people into religion, they will despise that time instead of embrace it. It will never work. This situation is the same. Mark needs to be on his own spiritual path and it is his decision on how he wants that to look: how much, how long and where it takes place. And, while these last few weeks have been very lonely for me personally, I have been on this particular road before and it will be fine. I used to love going by myself and I can get there again. I know Mark will attend with me from time-to-time, but I also know in my heart and from experience, that sitting next to someone in a place of worship where they do not want to be is not fun. This is Mark's journey too and I need to keep moving on and while he finds his own place. The kids are happy in their classes and each member of my family is having time with God on Sundays, just all in different rooms and some in different churches. I still call that progress and a blessing. I am working on making this roadblock less about me and more about what Mark needs.
Like I said, faith isn't easy. But faith is something we each carry in our own hearts and we need to discover for ourselves, otherwise it is not real faith. I need to let go of my perfect vision and pray for the best for my family and then just keep on moving forward.
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