Day 313 - This is just another pothole

I think something important to remember, even in the days of your strongest faith, is that no matter how much you pray or want something it does not automatically mean you will get what you want. Just because I pray and someone next to me doesn't, does not mean that I will live a life with fewer problems. A life of faith is a struggle. Having strong faith does however mean that you will be able to deal with the problems better because your faith will get you through it. You will have more peace, wisdom and joy in your life. You will have less bitterness and entitlement. You will be busy doing things for other people instead of wallowing in your own self-pity. You will believe that God's plans are mapped out for you, not to harm you but to give you hope and a future. You will be okay taking risks and relying on God. You will believe in perfect timing. You will know that God is at work and you will have enough confidence in yourself to get through it. You will do what God wants, not what you want. You will be deep in prayer. You will know that your faith is obedience, which brings happiness. You will see your circumstances differently.

This last year has been tough and even when we had nothing; we made sure we paid the rent. Staying in this house was our top priority and looking back today I have absolutely no idea how we did it. Honestly. I prayed daily that God would keep us here, in fact I begged him. When I cried to God for mercy I only asked for a few things. I asked Him to allow us stay in this house, to keep us healthy and to keep us all together, and only then did I ask him to please bless us financially in any way. We needed some kind of constant in our lives and I wanted to know that there would be a roof over our heads and the kids would be in their own beds. I wanted to be here until we were in a good place financially, which we are not even close to right now. This house was the goal the entire time; I thought that if we could just stay here then everything would be okay.

Things are not okay with the house, I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but it is becoming evident that something isn't adding up and most likely our days here are numbered. I just got more proof of it today. And while I am still waiting for the whole story to come together, I am letting my heart down gently that we might be disappointed. It would be very easy for me to breakdown and freak out right now. We have no savings and after this year of financial ruin, we would look very bleak to someone wanting renters. I would not rent to me on paper, and yet we have never missed a payment. My mind wants to worry about the kids, three moves in three years, and how that affects them. My mind wants to pout, whine and be angry. I want to cry to God and ask Him "why?" But I know better, I really do. It's not my day to worry about the technicalities. It's not my day to be angry and wallow. I will spend my time praying about it, telling God that I know He moves the skies and so I believe that He has something better for us. I will tell Him that I know He is working in our lives right now, just as He has been doing every day these past eleven months. This is still part of our story and our journey. He will take care of us somehow. I know in my heart that I have to let go of the comfort that I held on to every day, and put it into His hands. I need to stop gripping this house so tightly and let God make the moves so that He can continue to mold me and allow me to grow in wisdom and strength. This is just another pothole, another nuisance, and another heartbreak that is most likely a blessing in disguise.

I am not afraid.