Day 315 - Who I am

I am beyond imperfect. I try hard to be the best me that I can be, but I have a lot of faults. Some of the things that I excel at, I also fail at, depending on the situation. Some of it I need to work on, but I cannot deny the way that God made me purposefully and somehow I need to balance both. I think it's important to be honest about ourselves and to not only praise our strengths, but to also admit our shortcomings. For me, I need room to breathe. There is so much going on that I need to be able to step back if things are all encompassing. This can be at home or in relationships. I simply need space. There are days when I tell my husband at the most random time, "I am going to take a bath," and I go upstairs, lock the door and decompress in the bathtub. That is kind of a metaphor for my life and it's just part of who I am. I feel like I need to do the same in relationships too. I need some time alone or I need to disappear from a situation for a while. It shows up in my life as a stay-at-home mom with our schedule and our free time. It shows up on the weekends with family and loved ones. It shows up in the way I meticulously plan our calendar. But when I think about it I realize that it creates a huge contradiction in my life because while I am trying to be a good friend, build people up, and be available to those that I love, I also realize that sometimes I can be distant and I can disappear. And, then I think about the depression that has followed me since I was seventeen and I see how it is all interrelated. I am emotionally complicated, just as my brain and my emotions have been chemically complicated for a long time now. I know it's all for a reason. I believe that.

I cannot deny the way that God created me, but I can recognize my faults. I can also make a promise to change the things that I can, which are always more than what I think I can change. I used to have a lot more anger, be even more opinionated, and I was much more critical. We can all change many of our faults, perhaps not completely, but we can try. But we also need to be accepting of ourselves and what we need. I think that faith can really open you up to learning exactly who you are. I can see some of the reasons that God made me the way that he did, many of my traits lead me to be good at certain things. So many of my faults have lead me to have good people in my life to make up for what I lack or have put me in difficult situations to learn how to overcome. Quiet time with God and with my thoughts really puts me in tune with myself, because He is the one that created me. I think it's easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of every day life, to let your faults rule you with guilt or lack of self-esteem, and to wish that you were someone else. But I am telling you right now, that God can use all of it to build you up. Use your faith as a tool to see exactly who you are, what you can do to better yourself, and how God created you to do amazing things. Use your faith to learn from your faults, to give yourself more chances, and to help you change. Be yourself, but even better, know yourself. I think that is where real change and achievement comes from.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am." -1 Corinthians 15:10 (TNIV)