Day 333 - Tis the season

God certainly did not give us all the same talents and strengths. Thank goodness for that because this world would be a pretty boring and unfulfilling place if He had. Although I do wish He had given me the ability to clean and a heart for it. I fail miserably in that category and I miss being able to pay a house cleaner. But, life is full of chores and service that we may not enjoy. In fact, if I tell myself that I am cleaning as an act of love for my children, I feel a bit better about it (notice I only said a bit, ha ha ha).

We may not all be good at the same things, but we all have the ability to bless others. In fact, sometimes we may need to bless them in ways that are not our strengths. But blessing others is not about perfection; it's about showing love through action. Mark's cousin Lara is an amazing cook ... I am not. However, just because I am not an amazing cook does not mean that I cannot provide a meal for someone else. There are new mommies and people hurting all around us that would be blessed with a dinner. It just needs to be made or brought over with love. In fact, I feel so much joy preparing and packing up a meal for someone else! I love adding a bottle of lemonade and a dessert to the bag.

There is someone in your life that can use a blessing right now. Obviously, being able to help them financially is a great option for those who need it. Our whole year was filled with an outpouring of money, gift cards, and groceries. Even $20 can make a huge difference. But there are also people around you who need love and attention. They need a blessing, some help, and to know that there is goodness out there. We should all be doing acts of love continuously. No excuses. How hard is it to mail a note of encouragement, take an hour to help someone at home, babysit, drop off some groceries, or buy a gift card? My hubby has been helping people put up Christmas lights like crazy! And, by giving your significant other time to help someone else, you are in turn blessing them too. Once a week and without complaining, my husband watches the kids and puts them to bed so I can go help a friend. His role in the blessing is just as important as mine.

Tis the season to pour out your heart with love.

"The man who shows loving-kindness does himself good, but the man without pity hurts himself." -Proverbs 11:17 (NLV)

Day 332 - I will

The only thing I am thinking about today is putting one foot in front of the other. You have to keep moving, even when you don't feel like it. There is so much good in every day and I don't want to miss any of it in. So, while I am having a hard time staying motivated to get everything done, I know that I just need to keep traveling forward and not give up. You have to walk the journey on your own; no one else can do it for you.

This week I will find the energy to make hard decisions, do the tasks that I have put off, and be thankful for every single problem that I have. I will spend my days being joyful for everything that God has given me and I will ask Him for help when I need it.

Day 331 - Glory in my weaknesses

When I feel like my weaknesses are getting the best of me, I have to remind myself that God has continued to use them to build me up, whether part of my personality or due to uncontrollable circumstances. In fact, everything good that has come out of My Year of Faith has started with some kind of weakness.

Surprisingly, my weakness right now is lack of faith. Not lack of faith in God, but lack of faith in myself. I just can't quite get it together and it's affecting many parts of my life. I know that I have the strength within me, but my heart isn't following. I am allowing myself to fail. Why would I do that? Part of me does not truly believe that I can follow my dreams. There is some kind of deep-seeded insecurity in me that says that I am not good enough to see them through. It's weird that someone as strong-willed and ambitious as myself can also believe that I will fail. Normally, I don't even mind failing because I believe in trying, but, right now something is holding me back. Something is allowing a lot of clutter in my life to distract what needs to be done. Something is taking away my joy. It seems like my heart doesn't truly believe that God will ever trust me with the larger assignments. I want those larger assignments so badly, but I don't want to fail God. More than anything I want to know that God believes in me.

I know that these feelings need to be addressed. I need to be content and find glory in my weaknesses. I need to take these feelings and let God use them. I need to reach deep down and believe in myself. Most of all, I just need to trust God and keep on moving forward, knowing that He put me where I am for a purpose. I need to truly be firm in who I am and then settle my identity in Christ. I think that is a huge part of faith.

Day 330 - Let go

I saw this on Pinterest last night. This has been my last three years in a nutshell. I had to give up all of my own dreams and pursuits so that God could work in me. God actually forced me to let go, but I feel lucky for that. The life I planned included me working full time while climbing the corporate ladder, using my MBA and making more money because of it, owning a beautiful home and lots of things, and just being young and ambitious. But somehow after the initial push to let go of the life I wanted, I learned to let go at every sign God gave me. It's not easy, but once you let go you realize that God can make your life more wonderful than you ever could dream of on your own. I am still on that path, but I know in my heart that God has good things waiting for me. I also have realized that once you start letting go of your plans and you give them to God, you are also able to let go of feelings that have been holding you back like hurt, bitterness, anger, and envy. It's amazing how everything is connected.

Day 329 - My heart is stirring

Over the last few weeks I have been infinitely inspired to do more. When I ask myself what I want to do with my life, my answer is always, "to make the world more beautiful." Every single time. God has put that phrase in my heart to make it stir, but it's such a broad goal and I don't know what it looks like for me. I do know that last week I was moved to tears hearing about how we can cross the line and actually do something significant by just being available and courageous. Last night I watched a documentary and saw how someone can literally change someone else's (even a stranger's) life by dreaming of something and then making it happen. I want that, I want all of it. My heart is stirring.

God, what do you have in store for me? Please help me to see the plans you have for me. I am ready to make the world more beautiful in any way you see fit.

"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." -Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

Day 328 - In us

"God is able to do far more than we could ever ask for or imagine. He does everything by his power that is working in us." -Ephesians 3:20 (NIRV)

Day 327 - Prayerful Thanksgiving

This time last year we were celebrating Thanksgiving like every other year before. We had no idea that in just a few days our lives would take a dramatic turn. Even when we got the phone call that Mark was laid off; we never in a million years would have imagined what that would look like.

Today we are celebrating Thanksgiving with more thankfulness than ever before. I am thankful for the struggles we endured because they completely changed my life. I am thankful for the humbleness we were forced to find, the health that I never appreciated, the shelter over our heads, the few dollars in our pockets, the food that we were given, and the love that we lived on. I am thankful that my life was filled with faith and that I was given a new perspective on joy. I am thankful that God felt that I was ready to travel on such rocky territory and that He never abandoned me along the way. I am thankful for His whispers that told me that everything would be okay. I am thankful for the peace in my heart and the truths that He presented. I am thankful for each day I have, no matter what the day looks like. I am thankful for all of the people who literally lifted us up and supported us in our darkest days. I am thankful for the strong foundation Mark and I built our family on because when the walls all crumbled in, we were not shaken. Our little family survived. I am thankful for hope and for a new future.

This Thanksgiving literally brings me to my knees in prayerful thanks to God for all of the blessings he pours down on me. It is only fitting that in the place I cried out to Him to make everything better, is where I now thank Him for showing me the way. Even though we still are struggling, I now know that it is all for good.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Day 326 - My Words on Paper

I have been writing in a prayer journal for almost a year now. I write my prayers on one side of the page and notes and bible verses on the other. If it inspires me, I write it down. I have notes from sermons, devotionals, speakers, and books. When I hit hard times I go back and reread the notes that I took and revisit the verses that I wrote down. It's amazing how many times I have found the perfect piece of wisdom from notes that I took months ago. It's like my handbook of strength. I also love that when I keep up on my prayer requests I can go back and see whom I have been praying for and remember to keep praying for them. I also love seeing how God answers peoples' prayers over time. And, as I am now writing in my second journal (I filled the first one up) I see how faithful God has been and how He has put so many amazing words in my life over this year to get me through the rough days.

This last week was definitely part of those rough days. It's hard to be vulnerable and to realize that some people just won't like you, no matter who you are and what you do. That's just the way life works, right? So coming across these notes really put it in perspective for me.

Everyone is insecure. People judge our worth falsely by appearance, affluence, achievement and approval. Some people will reject you no matter what you do, build yourself on what is most important.


When I wrote those notes, I didn't need them. But here I am facing a situation where they are music to my ears and a reminder to keep being myself and to build myself up not on other people's perceptions, but on what is most important. For me that is my faith, my family, my friends and my heart. I am so grateful for my prayer journals and I know that through the years they will help me raise my children with love, wisdom, thankfulness and a whole lot of grace.

If you have any inclination to write in a prayer journal, I highly recommend it. It really has become such a blessing in my life. All you need is a bound book, a pen, and a little bit of God.

Day 325 - Someone notices

Most days I feel like my words arrive here from my heart, but nothing happens with them. Don't you feel like that sometimes? Like you are going through the motions trying to be a great person, but unsure of how you are contributing to this world. I often feel like this blog is just a place that my friends feel like they have to go to keep up on my life.

Today I visited my stats page and decided to see if anyone is visiting my blog. I was pleasantly surprised to see that in the last thirty days many people have found my blog from a simple Google search. Here are some of the exact searches people did:

- scripture says that god answers the prayers, not of the sick or dying, but of the friends of the sick or dying
- infertility blog, feel like God has forsaken me
- gods faithfulness through pregnancy
- faith thought for the day
- year of the faith
- thought of the day for kids on faith
- joy is the settled assurance
- to focus on progress and not perfection in relationships
- amanda and faith
- my year off god
- day 299
- perfection not progress in relationships
- my year with god blogspot


Here are some of the places they have come from:
United States
United Kingdom
India
Pakistan
Asia/Pacific Region
New Zealand
Canada
Russian Federation
Malaysia
Belgium
France


I may not see it, hear it or know it, but I believe that sometimes God sends someone who is hurting to my blog for a little bit of hope. I may not be changing the world, but I am doing something by just being here. Do you hear what I am saying? You are making a difference, whatever you are doing. Even if it feels tedious and lonely, someone, somewhere in this world notices. We often make the biggest impact just by being who we are and more importantly, by going out on a limb to be available to others. That gives me more reason to be here everyday, even when it feels silent.

Day 324 - Get back up

I heard something along these lines in church yesterday, "when the devil knocks you out, get back up and say, "is that all you've got?""

I want to be that person. I always want to have that kind of strength and bravery. I know it's in me. I feel it every time I face a situation that seems unbearable. I feel my heart changing. I spend less time worrying and crying and more time moving forward and getting back on my feet. I have more confidence. My faith is stronger and so am I.

This year has given me peace. I love how that feels. It's not perfect or fully developed, but it's there. Peace helps me find joy in all of the things I love, no matter what is going on around me. It is amazing how many good things can come out of a really bad situation. It's amazing that when I am really down and I take the time to pick my head up, I see so much good that I would have missed. My imperfect life feels so wonderfully blessed.

 

Day 323 - I found this

 

My sweet friend sent me a link to a blog she follows, while reading it I came across a post with this daily devotional in it. What a way to look at life.

Day 322 - It's not over yet

For a few moments I felt pretty relaxed about the rest of My Year of Faith. Things are slowly getting better and we have hope for the future financially. Mark has a great opportunity that should be in full force in the next couple of months. Amazing right? I literally went to the grocery store for the first time with a list and recipes to make. I have not done that, well I cannot remember the last time. It felt so good to cook dinners from scratch for my family all week long. But things keep coming up in our life, things with our home (which seems like it's going to be okay right now) and other personal issues and I am reminded that My Year of Faith was an instruction for me and I know that God is certainly not done with me yet. I know that he is going to use this full year to teach me as much as he can about faith (and obviously for the rest of my life). There may not be a break, but there is certainly a lot of grace, joy and peace within it. He has been equipping me all year to learn to deal with life's pressures and to be able to handle what comes at me differently than ever before. That's all I can do is keep moving forward, be hopeful and take it all to God. And if there is one thing I have learned this year, it is to cherish what is already right in front of me. My family. Two weeks ago a 35-year-old mother lost her fight to cancer. It was a two-year fight. She has three beautiful children just like me. She fought hard. I had met her only once but her story changed my life. Her attitude changed my life. We just have to keep living each day with as much faith, grace, love and joy as we can and know that each day is a gift.

Please keep the Maffia family in your daily prayers. Krista Maffia passed away October 29th. Her husband, three daughters and family have a lifetime of sadness ahead of them and I keep praying for some kind of peace in all of the devastation.

Day 321 - For today

"You will face all kinds of trouble. When you do, think of it as pure joy. Your faith will be put to the test. You know that when that happens it will produce in you the strength to continue." -James 1:2-3 (NIRV) 

Day 320 - My verses

Last week I had two friends share their struggles with me and they asked me to give them some verses that help me get through the worst days. I put a little something together for them and wanted to share it with you too. 

(When I feel like God has abandoned me)

"When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown." - Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

(When I lose hope)

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." - Psalm 56:3 (TNIV)

(To remind myself to keep doing good even when I have nothing and to not get tired of loving others)

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

- Galatians 6:9 (NKJV)

(How to keep moving forward)

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12  (NIV)

(Reminder I can get through things- do not quit)

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9  (NLT)

(A reminder not to worry and to be thankful)

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." - Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

(Love myself)

"But by the grace of God I am what I am." -1 Corinthians 15:10 (TNIV)

(Reminds me to be powerful)

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything with love." - 1 Corinthians 16:13-14

(Other notes I love)

-       God I want your will, not mine

-       If you can’t be faithful in a little, God will not trust you with larger assignments.

-       We must base our faith on who God is rather than what He appears to be doing. Because His ways are higher than ours we cannot comprehend his decisions.

-       Don’t give up, hang on. The process doesn’t always look like progress

Maybe these can help you too. XO

Day 319 - Lessons & my time

This year has been intense and it feels never ending. Sometimes I don't know what is up and what is down. I cannot begin to comprehend all of the challenges that God has and keeps throwing at me but I can take a lesson from each and every one, and I do. Here are just a few... I could go on forever.

Tend to your own soul
Guard your heart
Pray over your entire family
Joy is coming
Everything you need lives on the inside of you to be everything God created you to be
No season is by chance
Be able to stand alone in confidence
Build yourself on what is most important
Greatest sign of love is attention
Be thankful for God's blessings
God is not harsh, He is holy
God knows your heart
Your power is perfected in weakness
Establish replenishing relationships
Don't give up
Battle wisely
Faith is what we do
Getting your way does not grow faith
Do not get tired of doing good
Being authentic requires courage and humility but it's the only way to grow spiritually
Every problem is a character building opportunity, the more difficult, the greater potential

My problems are just my own and I cannot be immersed in my own life all of the time. I have been guilty of that. It's easy to do, right? People I love are dealing with cancer, death, infertility, and so much more. Our job on earth is to love others. My time needs to be spent praying for them and wrapping them with love instead of thinking of my problems and myself all of the time. Reflecting on everything we have learned and using that to bless others is what life is all about. It proves your faith.

Day 318 - For a heart that holds on

"I can see a light that is coming for a heart that holds on." 


Those lyrics are from the song You Never Let Go. I think holding on is the hardest part when you are trying to get through a crisis. Trying to keep your life together and your faith in tact is beyond overwhelming. But I love how this lyric says that if your heart holds on, a light will come. It won't be dark forever. I remember literally telling myself that things have to be better eventually and that I just needed to hold on and have faith that we will make it through to the other side. I think my heart did all the work.

Keep holding on, there is light.

Day 317 - His & Hers

Faith is hard and it challenges you every day. This comes as no surprise to me though. My hubby Mark is Catholic and I am Christian and it has been an issue for us since the very beginning. While we are thankful we believe in the same God and follow the same Bible, our churches have very big differences that do divide us. I am definitely the more faithful of the two and have a more intimate relationship with God, but Mark cares about his religion and has been brought up in a wonderful Catholic home. In case you were wondering, we got married in a sweet little Lutheran chapel. We felt like it was a good mix of his Catholic church and my less formal Christian church. We also baptized and dedicated all three of our children so that they can make their own decisions when they are older and so both families would have their special day.

For a long time I went to church by myself, and then I began taking the kids with me too. They love their Sunday routine and their sweet Sunday School classes and I love taking them. It's important for me to have my children grow up with that positive influence and my church has a phenomenal kids program from babies all the way to high school. I would know since I started going there when I was in elementary school. Sometime in the middle of My Year of Faith, Mark started going to church weekly with the kids and me. It was like all of my prayers had been answered, I wasn't trying to make him convert, but I loved having my family together on Sunday mornings. It is really important to me and I know that is why he went. I had been praying about it for a really long time so I felt like God was answering my prayers and starting a new chapter for us.

About three weeks ago, Mark decided he would rather attend Catholic Church instead of going with me to my church. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I felt like God had betrayed me. I felt like Mark was betraying everything I had worked for during our crazy year and that he gave up, although to be fair, his attitude had changed weeks before and I knew it was coming. I felt like I was starting my entire Year of Faith from day one again. I can't really explain how disappointed and upset I was, but I felt like my whole year of faith meant nothing. I know they are not correlated, but that's how it affected me. It's like I had prayed about this one thing for so long and it finally came true, and for quite awhile, and then it stopped one day. "God, why did you give it to me if you knew it would be taken away?" It was heartbreaking.

My church was just not speaking to Mark. In fact, one or two of his personal beliefs was coming head-to-head with what was being spoken about in church for an entire series and I know he just became tired of it. I get it; I would be the same way. I stand firm in my own faith. When I used to go alone people would ask me why he wasn't there and I would always tell them that I do not believe in trying to force someone to go to church. You cannot manipulate people into religion, they will despise that time instead of embrace it. It will never work. This situation is the same.  Mark needs to be on his own spiritual path and it is his decision on how he wants that to look: how much, how long and where it takes place. And, while these last few weeks have been very lonely for me personally, I have been on this particular road before and it will be fine. I used to love going by myself and I can get there again. I know Mark will attend with me from time-to-time, but I also know in my heart and from experience, that sitting next to someone in a place of worship where they do not want to be is not fun. This is Mark's journey too and I need to keep moving on and while he finds his own place. The kids are happy in their classes and each member of my family is having time with God on Sundays, just all in different rooms and some in different churches. I still call that progress and a blessing. I am working on making this roadblock less about me and more about what Mark needs.

Like I said, faith isn't easy. But faith is something we each carry in our own hearts and we need to discover for ourselves, otherwise it is not real faith. I need to let go of my perfect vision and pray for the best for my family and then just keep on moving forward.

Day 316 - If I had to

If I had to pick one thing to say over and over again, I would tell people to be authentic with each other. Be real. Tell people your hurts and your heartaches, as much as you tell them your happiness. Do not fake who you are or pretend to be perfect. Life is hard, share that with other people. Authenticity awakens love and friendship. It creates the most amazing conversations, and it can even save lives. Do not hide behind your perfect wardrobe, your stellar vocabulary, your job or your vision for yourself. At the same time, do not hide behind whining and self-pity. Laugh about life with people. Do not let others feel alone. Enjoy fellowship. Being authentic not only creates joy and satisfaction in your own life, but can also make an impact in someone else's loneliness or despair. Life is far too good to miss out while hiding behind that pretty wall you built. God created us to love authentically and my favorite relationships come from a true understanding of our hurts, heartaches, difficulties and imperfections. Every single time.

Day 315 - Who I am

I am beyond imperfect. I try hard to be the best me that I can be, but I have a lot of faults. Some of the things that I excel at, I also fail at, depending on the situation. Some of it I need to work on, but I cannot deny the way that God made me purposefully and somehow I need to balance both. I think it's important to be honest about ourselves and to not only praise our strengths, but to also admit our shortcomings. For me, I need room to breathe. There is so much going on that I need to be able to step back if things are all encompassing. This can be at home or in relationships. I simply need space. There are days when I tell my husband at the most random time, "I am going to take a bath," and I go upstairs, lock the door and decompress in the bathtub. That is kind of a metaphor for my life and it's just part of who I am. I feel like I need to do the same in relationships too. I need some time alone or I need to disappear from a situation for a while. It shows up in my life as a stay-at-home mom with our schedule and our free time. It shows up on the weekends with family and loved ones. It shows up in the way I meticulously plan our calendar. But when I think about it I realize that it creates a huge contradiction in my life because while I am trying to be a good friend, build people up, and be available to those that I love, I also realize that sometimes I can be distant and I can disappear. And, then I think about the depression that has followed me since I was seventeen and I see how it is all interrelated. I am emotionally complicated, just as my brain and my emotions have been chemically complicated for a long time now. I know it's all for a reason. I believe that.

I cannot deny the way that God created me, but I can recognize my faults. I can also make a promise to change the things that I can, which are always more than what I think I can change. I used to have a lot more anger, be even more opinionated, and I was much more critical. We can all change many of our faults, perhaps not completely, but we can try. But we also need to be accepting of ourselves and what we need. I think that faith can really open you up to learning exactly who you are. I can see some of the reasons that God made me the way that he did, many of my traits lead me to be good at certain things. So many of my faults have lead me to have good people in my life to make up for what I lack or have put me in difficult situations to learn how to overcome. Quiet time with God and with my thoughts really puts me in tune with myself, because He is the one that created me. I think it's easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of every day life, to let your faults rule you with guilt or lack of self-esteem, and to wish that you were someone else. But I am telling you right now, that God can use all of it to build you up. Use your faith as a tool to see exactly who you are, what you can do to better yourself, and how God created you to do amazing things. Use your faith to learn from your faults, to give yourself more chances, and to help you change. Be yourself, but even better, know yourself. I think that is where real change and achievement comes from.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am." -1 Corinthians 15:10 (TNIV) 
 

Day 314 - Blessings

"A faithful man will be richly blessed." -Proverbs 28:20 (NIRV)


Once you realize that the word blessings is not just about wealth, you see everything that you have around you and realize how many blessings you really have. My blessings are in the health of my children, my awesome husband, my amazing friends, my loving family, and the opportunities that come into my life. I am not deserving of all of the blessings I have, yet I am so thankful for them. Wealth is such a small part of life; I had to lose it to see that. It may be necessary and important, but it's not the only way God shows His love to you for being faithful.

Day 313 - This is just another pothole

I think something important to remember, even in the days of your strongest faith, is that no matter how much you pray or want something it does not automatically mean you will get what you want. Just because I pray and someone next to me doesn't, does not mean that I will live a life with fewer problems. A life of faith is a struggle. Having strong faith does however mean that you will be able to deal with the problems better because your faith will get you through it. You will have more peace, wisdom and joy in your life. You will have less bitterness and entitlement. You will be busy doing things for other people instead of wallowing in your own self-pity. You will believe that God's plans are mapped out for you, not to harm you but to give you hope and a future. You will be okay taking risks and relying on God. You will believe in perfect timing. You will know that God is at work and you will have enough confidence in yourself to get through it. You will do what God wants, not what you want. You will be deep in prayer. You will know that your faith is obedience, which brings happiness. You will see your circumstances differently.

This last year has been tough and even when we had nothing; we made sure we paid the rent. Staying in this house was our top priority and looking back today I have absolutely no idea how we did it. Honestly. I prayed daily that God would keep us here, in fact I begged him. When I cried to God for mercy I only asked for a few things. I asked Him to allow us stay in this house, to keep us healthy and to keep us all together, and only then did I ask him to please bless us financially in any way. We needed some kind of constant in our lives and I wanted to know that there would be a roof over our heads and the kids would be in their own beds. I wanted to be here until we were in a good place financially, which we are not even close to right now. This house was the goal the entire time; I thought that if we could just stay here then everything would be okay.

Things are not okay with the house, I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but it is becoming evident that something isn't adding up and most likely our days here are numbered. I just got more proof of it today. And while I am still waiting for the whole story to come together, I am letting my heart down gently that we might be disappointed. It would be very easy for me to breakdown and freak out right now. We have no savings and after this year of financial ruin, we would look very bleak to someone wanting renters. I would not rent to me on paper, and yet we have never missed a payment. My mind wants to worry about the kids, three moves in three years, and how that affects them. My mind wants to pout, whine and be angry. I want to cry to God and ask Him "why?" But I know better, I really do. It's not my day to worry about the technicalities. It's not my day to be angry and wallow. I will spend my time praying about it, telling God that I know He moves the skies and so I believe that He has something better for us. I will tell Him that I know He is working in our lives right now, just as He has been doing every day these past eleven months. This is still part of our story and our journey. He will take care of us somehow. I know in my heart that I have to let go of the comfort that I held on to every day, and put it into His hands. I need to stop gripping this house so tightly and let God make the moves so that He can continue to mold me and allow me to grow in wisdom and strength. This is just another pothole, another nuisance, and another heartbreak that is most likely a blessing in disguise.

I am not afraid.

Day 312 - Thinking ahead

I remember when Mark was laid off almost a year ago; we thought that particular Christmas would be the most difficult. We spent a little less on gifts, were not able to buy the plethora of presents for others that we were used to, and did not give anything to each other. At the time we thought Mark would find a job at the first of the year and by the next Christmas life would be wonderful. Wow, only twenty-two days into his unemployment and we were so sure that everything would be okay. Instead life just unraveled day-by-day and here we are almost a year later with far less money to buy gifts this Christmas. Our financial situation is slowly getting better, but we will not be able to buy for anyone other than our kids. Luckily we already have enough money set aside to buy each child their main wishes from Santa Claus (and they are good gifts like bikes and scooters) and I am sure we will save up a little more to fill the stockings and buy them a few more presents. It may not be the Christmas I was hoping for, but I cannot complain at all. My kids will have the perfect day!

With all of that, how can I not be thinking of the parents who cannot afford to buy their child even one gift? In times like these, those parents are all around us. It could be us. There are parents out there crying at night, wishing they could give their kids just one of their wishes and worried about what they will tell them on Christmas morning. There are parents who will be doing whatever they can for the next forty-six days to earn money to buy their children anything that they can afford. We should be praying for them continuously. Praying for the kids who live outside of their home, or in troubled homes, that want a little bit of Christmas. While for many of us, Christmas holds so much joy, for so many it is a reminder of the sadness they battle because of financial difficulties or personal problems. I know that Christmas is still far away, but no better time than now to start praying for families who need extra help. Maybe somehow our prayers and actions can help make a difference. If you know someone struggling right now, could you spare an extra gift or a gift card on their doorstep? Can you ask them if there is a gift that they need help buying?

I am so lucky, I know that. By the end of this week we will have all of Santa's presents hidden away waiting for Christmas. We were able to plan ahead to get what our children wanted the most. It may not be a big and luxurious day like it used to be, but it will be wonderful. Mark and I can exchange presents next year and I know our family and friends understand our situation. You can bet that we will also help a struggling friend this year too, even if it's just a little something. As you are Christmas shopping, please use your prayers and abilities to help someone too. Christmas is always a good time to show your faith.

Day 311 - In coming days

In 28 days I am speaking at a MOPS about my story and about being joyful. It's getting very close and I am praying about what I am going to say. Please pray for me if you have time, I know I am going to need all of the help I can get. I am looking to do more than just tell my story, I want to pour from my heart all of the grace I have been given this year and I want to be able to share how even the worst days can be filled with joy. I want to leave each woman there with a little extra faith and hope.

I am also praying for a specific direction to go after My Year of Faith is over. I know I still have some time and I want to follow Gods lead, but I can't help but think ahead. Faith has become such a big part of my life and I feel like I have only hit the tip of the iceberg. But a year is a year and I know I will keep exploring my faith through out my life. So where does that leave this blog? I was thinking perhaps My Year of Grace, My Year of Joy, My Year of Peace, or My Year of Love? In my heart I believe that God will make it very apparent which direction I should go when it's time, but I still would love your input if you have a minute. Will you tell me if any of these speak to you? You can leave a comment or email me at elhajs@aol.com.

Wishing you a wonderful day today!

"But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you." -Psalm 56:3 (NLT)

Day 310 - A five-letter word and an update

I went back to my notes from church yesterday and picked out all the parts that had the word faith in them and then made my own notes.

Faith is useless if you don't do something with it.
Faith is visible when you witness to unbelievers.
You show faith by helping other people and encouraging fellowship.
Being generous proves your faith.

Faith really means so many things. It is your beliefs and feelings, it is action and it describes who you are. At the same time faith is what is unseen in your heart and it also a highly visible representation of who you are. I never understood before that you simply cannot have faith and only have one of those, it must be both. It must be a driving force in your personal life and a loving force in your public life. Faith is all encompassing. It is amazing how much a small five-letter word has impacted my life.

Life is changing for us slowly, but changing nonetheless, and for the better! We were able to take our kids out to eat Friday night at a restaurant and pay for it ourselves for the first time in many months (I cannot tell you how many times I used to take this for granted). It felt really good. We are also starting to have enough money that we can make a basic budget and have money set aside for food, gas, and extra expenses. We have been living penny to penny this last year; so being able to have money to go to the grocery store was amazing. It makes me grateful again to all the people who carried us through with gift cards and help. I honestly don't know where we would be right now without all of you. We made it because of you. And now being able to fend for ourselves it a really great feeling. Everything is very slow, but I feel like we have concrete hope that each month will get better. God is teaching us extreme patience and I am so grateful for every step that we are taking in the right direction. I used to beg God for any relief and now we are starting to feel it.

 

Day 309 - Faith

This is a bag my friend Stephanie made me. Every time I look at this sweet bag I am reminded of two things.

First, from my intense year and this blog, FAITH has not only become an extremely large part of my life, but it is a word that people associate with me. When you think of all the words that people can use to describe you, you realize there are a lot of options, both good and bad. I feel blessed that this is one of those for me. It's nothing I did; it's from God's grace. That thought makes me want to be a better person so that it's always positive words that are associated with me, even with people who do not care for me. I know I have a lot of work to do and a long life of living by example to be able to do that, but it's a hope that I have.

Secondly, this bag also reminds me that my blog has changed my life in so many ways. While it may be a blessing to others, it is by far the biggest blessing for me. I have made new friends and I have reunited with old friends. In fact, my friend Stephanie and I went to church together today and the only reason that happened was because we got in touch on Facebook after she read my blog and was concerned for me. We have been praying for each other ever since, and we don't even live in the same state. Today it was so fun to sit next to her in church and I told her I am hoping to visit her next year and go to a Women of Faith conference together. It's my proof that putting yourself out there can have amazing results.

I feel so blessed today, in so many ways.

Day 308 - I trust you

God, I trust your plans for me. Even on days when it feels like life is moving slowly and we will never be prosperous again. I know that you have plans to bless us, not to harm us. I know that you will take care of us. I have faith that everything will be okay. Change takes time.

 

Day 307 - Lonely

I would rather feel lonely and have faith, then just be alone with nothing.

Loneliness is hard. You can feel lonely and have a million people around you. When you have faith you know that the loneliness is temporary, that you are in charge of your own joy, and if you bring it to God He will get you through it.

I'm working a lot of things out in my head right now. Everything is fine, life is still good, but I have issues to resolve and hopes and dreams to figure out.

This bible verse defines the kind of life I want to live and in times like these, it's my reminder to keep moving forward.

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." 
-1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (NIV)

Day 306 - He is real

I had a rough day yesterday with the kids and ended up yelling more than I should have. Looking back I know I could have been more patient, but I am also realizing that I have come so far in that department. I attribute it 100% to My Year of Faith. I think that between being so grateful for having them, realizing that nothing else matters but family, and then seeing how God changed my life so I can be home with them has made me a different mom in every sense. I have more patience, more joy, more peace, and more love. Of course I have my bad days too, where I yell and get frustrated...but I love that they are only bad days instead of being every day.

Whether you believe it or not, God can change your heart and He can give you peace. You need to ask him for help, you need to seek His word, and you need to be open to being more faithful. I know some of you don't believe me, but I have a whole year of stories and prayers to prove that God is real. They prove that if you are honest and soulful in prayer, He will answer. Maybe not right away and perhaps not in the way you want, but He hears you and He can help you pull through it. If you are struggling as a parent, in your marriage, with a friendship, or personally just pour it all out to him. Ask him for the peace that you need. He does hear you, but you need to listen too.

If He can change me to have a stay-at-home mom's heart, He can do anything.

 

Day 305 - A New Mountain

Two days ago I posted about Mark and I looking at the world a little differently now that we have gotten through the worst of our financial crisis. At MOPS today the topic of communicating in a marriage during stressful times came up. More than once it was mentioned that in order to get through the tough times you have to communicate constantly so that you both know where the other is at and so you can come together to make decisions about your future. It really opened my eyes and helped remind me that we are different people, but if we stick together and constantly tell each other where we are at, then we will have a better chance at working through the problems and finding opportunities to flourish. Communicate, communicate and communicate. I think Mark and I are an awesome team and we always get through the hard times amazingly well, but lets face it, we have been going through a crazy life-changing experience and we were bound to come out different people. What a Godsend for me to get a little bit of advice on a topic I am experiencing. Don't you love it when that happens?

I was also starting to get anxious today thinking about the road ahead of us. We lost all of our financial security and it will take us years to get our foothold back again. Just thinking about everything that we lost like savings accounts and 401K's and then trying to build them all up again while paying off debt seems impossible. We are at the bottom of this new huge mountain and I feel exhausted even though we haven't even started yet. I know it's going to be a long road ahead. Right now we don't have the means yet to plan for the future, but I want to be ready when it's time. I may be tired but I am ready to start our life again.

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." 
-Galatians 6:9 (NKJV) 


"A faithful man will be richly blessed." -Proverbs 28:20 (NIRV)


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

On the journey ahead I need to remember to be patient and persistent and to never give up. I have to take each step one at a time, no matter how long the road is. I must remind myself that we will get there with perfect timing.

Day 304 - Discontent

I came across this today:


"Discontent is ugly. It makes us jealous of other's joy and it makes us bitter."


It's easy to feel discontent, right? It's important that we base our joy on being happy with ourselves rather than hoping to find joy somewhere else.