Day 237 - Lost in this old world

One of my favorite songs right now is Miranda Lambert's, The House That Built Me. It's the only country song on my playlist, but something about it moves me. I listen to it often. It doesn't have anything to do with our financial situation but it has so much to do about feeling lost and trying to heal by going to your roots.

"You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am."

Over the last few years and especially since Mark was laid off, my life has been turned upside down. So many things that were part of my identity are gone. My career, my position in life, my things, my past dreams, things I loved to do, my home and in many cases, my happiness. So feeling lost is not foreign to me, I still feel lost. But I feel like I have spent this time trying to remember who I am, who God built me to be, and who I have always wanted to be. I have been trying to redefine my life as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a human being. Just like the song, you almost have to go back to your life as a child so that you can relive your dreams, your spirit and try to heal yourself. My dream as a little girl was to become a writer.

It's so easy to get caught up and to get "lost in this old world." I see that even though I was a good person and I was working hard, that I lost the meaning of life. I lost that person God had intended me to be. I can see it so clearly now. I can see it when I watch people who are so busy with their own life they don't have time for other people. I can see it when I watch people become so obsessed with money and the way they are perceived that they will step on others to feel good about themselves. I'm not surprised God took it all away from me. And, when I look back a little, I am proud of how I have healed and how I have searched to find myself and the woman God intended me to be. I have dug down as deep as I can, more times that I can count, to find the strength, the humility and the love that God gave me a long time ago. It's not such a bad thing to be broken down and to have the courage to change. I was forced to, but it's also a choice. It's so easy to lose that place where you came from, the experiences that shaped you, and the innocence in your heart, but finding your way back at any cost can change your life.