Every night after everyone was asleep in the house I went downstairs in the dark, sat on the couch, had my prayer journal with me to write down things to remember and I sat in silence. Let's make this clear, I am a thinker. My mind goes a million miles a minute and I am a daydreamer too. This kind of quiet time is not easy for me at all. I'm blinking, thinking, and yelling at myself. I imagine it's pretty funny to watch. One night I did feel like God gave me a project to work on, so I felt good about that. The other nights were just painful, but I tried and I wrote down at least one thing I felt. By Thursday night I was feeling pretty lame and basically closed up shop at the quiet time station, when two bible verses came into my mind. They were 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 and Philippians 3:8-9. I wrote them down and assumed they were verses I regularly use on my blog and I continued being annoyed at myself for not being able to connect with God.
For some of you, I know that the whole quiet and talking to God might seem crazy, I totally get it. But sometimes you need answers. I am desperate, ready for this chapter in our lives to be over. I will take any sign or solution to be out of it and so when my pastor told us that we really needed to get that alone time in, I wanted to try it, truly hoping that God would just tell me that everything is going to be okay. He didn't by the way.
Before I went to bed I looked up both verses out of curiosity and I was blown away to read them. Neither were verses I was familiar with and they were both specific about faith and my struggles. It's funny how we think God isn't listening, but then we are so surprised when we realize He really is there. I posted these two verses yesterday and the day before. I spent a great deal of time last week mourning the "things" that I missed and in one verse it calls it all garbage and talks about discarding everything. I understand that. I feel like that is part of my purpose, learning that it is all garbage, no matter how much you love it. A life of love and faith lives with or without possessions.
And so, I realize that perhaps I am not cut out for supreme quiet time every night, but I do understand that if I am available, God will somehow find me. He may not pat me on the head and tell me it will all be okay but He will acknowledge my troubles and keep me on path. Quieting our lives, taking a deep breath and just focusing on faith can bring some amazing clarity in the hustle and bustle of life and the sorrow in our problems.
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