Day 243 - God's breaks

I think Mark and I are really struggling with the feelings that we cannot seem to catch a break. A possibility arises and then it is taken away. We get our hopes up for a second and then, nope never mind. It is so frustrating. Everything is just out their on a limb and we never know which way or when it will all fall. So far, nothing has fallen our way. We are ready for this chapter in our life to be over. We would be happy to go from "financial crisis" to "just barely making it." Our whole life is in limbo. When I think like this, there is a song that reels me back in, especially this part:

And I do the best that I can

But I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love. Savior, please, keep saving me.

-

from Savior, Please by Josh Wilson

It just reminds me that even when I feel like I can't do this anymore, God's love can get me through. He is continually saving me with every day occurrences and blessings. We have a roof over our heads, support from people who love us, food on our table and so much more. Not to mention the grace and knowledge He has given me. We may not be catching any big breaks right now, but small ones surrounded us daily.

I also love how vulnerable the lyrics are. They say that it is okay to admit that sometimes I'm not strong enough to get through this. That I cannot do it alone. That I can lean on God and he will see me through. I feel like this all the time. Let's face it; to get through major chapters in life, you cannot do it alone. We all need to be saved in some way. I'm thankful for all the ways God has saved us over the last nine months and I will try and focus on that when I feel like we cannot catch a break. I will take each day one at a time.

Just asking for some extras prayers, the road feels a little extra rocky right now.

Day 242 - It's okay to let go

This may sound silly, but I never would have imagined that I could live so easily without television. Awhile back we had to change our bill to basic cable because we could no longer afford all of the bells and whistles like a million channels and a DVR. I use to put all my shows on the DVR and watch them as soon as I could, but it took up a lot of time that could have been used somewhere else. I would have told you there was no way I could live without all of it, but here I am living just great and I don't miss any of it at all. We do have Netflix instant streaming so my kids can watch all kinds of show or movies when they want to. So easy and manageable.

I remember when I forced myself to stop watching the Housewives Shows and The Jersey Shore. They were both filled with so much garbage and ridiculousness. When did it become popular to watch people's lives come undone? Since when do people become famous for being greedy, mean and immoral? I know they are popular and I get the appeal, but those shows are just sad. That's not the kind of world I want my kids to grow up in. My hubby still watched them after I had stopped and I have to tell you that not having them in my home anymore is really nice. With no cable I can't be tempted to watch them even if I wanted to. In fact I can't watch any trashy television in my home. What a secret blessing to not have to worry about it anymore.

Why am I telling you all of this? There was a day where I thought I could never give up my beloved TV and DVR. I really thought that I loved some of my shows, but I'm doing great without them. Are there things in your life that are wasting your time that you want or need to give up but you are too afraid? Is there something standing in the way of you having more time with your family? I am here to tell you that you will be fine; you will survive! I did. And, in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do and my family will be better for it in the long run. We will never be as obsessed with the television as were, ever again. This is just another example of something that seemed unfair at first, but is really a blessing in our big mess.

"Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth." -Colossians 3:2 (NLT)

Day 241 - My certainty

I know I have mentioned this before, but God has definitely put a wall up on the subject of being able to start digging ourselves out of this whole mess. When I pray about it or have quiet time there is no sense of peace or inclination that things are going to be better right away. In fact, I feel like it is pretty obvious that we are still in for a bit of a haul. I hope I am wrong, we really need things to start turning our way as soon as possible, but I know I am not in charge of that. I am at peace with it right now.

The reason why I know that God is just saying, "not yet" is because I have been praying for other smaller financial wishes, like money for groceries and extras and somehow they always work out. Every time. It is just the bigger needs that are still in the trenches. I do believe in perfect timing, as stressful as our life is right now. Watching God provide for so many specific things for us proves that he is actively involved in our lives, molding our new path and making sure to care for us in the ways that He can.

At church today Pastor Rick said that certainty is the shield of faith and that we need to trust God no matter what. I stand firm in my faith and my certainty that He will see us through and I do not take his quietness as anything other than telling me that it's just not time yet to have our life back. There is more to see, to learn, to do, to change, to accept and to give up. I am standing firm in my faith, even on a gloomy day. I know that God has plans for us.

Day 240 - Love

"The three most important things to have are faith, hope and love. But the greatest of them is love." -1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIRV)

Day 239 - Lesson

One of the hardest lessons by far has been learning that sometimes we need to accept help from others. I remember a few years ago telling my friend that people want to help and that you need to let them help you. Of course I said that really never expecting that I personally would have to accept more than a few dinners after I had a baby. But I truly meant it because I wanted to help my friend in as many ways as I could and I know that when people are going through a hard time, you feel helpless and want to do something, anything. So here I am years later, learning to say "yes" and "thank you" when we need something. It is so humbling to accept help that you would rather give yourself, but at the same time there are things that I cannot do on my own and I figured out not too long ago that it's not about my pride, it's about my family. Their needs outweigh my pride every time. I am so thankful to all our family and friends who continue to help us in every way possible. And, when I begin to feel bad because I have so little to give back, I remind myself that once we climb out of this ditch I will give freely to others in honor of everyone that has helped us and that this experience and the people who have stood by us are what has changed me forever. I now understand what they meaning of the word selfless really is. Thank you to our family and friends, who even almost nine months later, still think we are worthy of their selfless help and gifts.

Day 238 - The way to live

While searching for the answer of how to deal with people who purposefully hurt you, I found this:

"Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

-Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

I don't think it is just talking about how to treat that particular person, but it is the map of how to live a fulfilling life and how to be an example for them to see. I imagine the more you live with these traits, the stronger your wall is so that people cannot tear you down. I want to be more of all of those things and less of the bitterness I see in people.

Day 237 - Lost in this old world

One of my favorite songs right now is Miranda Lambert's, The House That Built Me. It's the only country song on my playlist, but something about it moves me. I listen to it often. It doesn't have anything to do with our financial situation but it has so much to do about feeling lost and trying to heal by going to your roots.

"You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am."

Over the last few years and especially since Mark was laid off, my life has been turned upside down. So many things that were part of my identity are gone. My career, my position in life, my things, my past dreams, things I loved to do, my home and in many cases, my happiness. So feeling lost is not foreign to me, I still feel lost. But I feel like I have spent this time trying to remember who I am, who God built me to be, and who I have always wanted to be. I have been trying to redefine my life as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a human being. Just like the song, you almost have to go back to your life as a child so that you can relive your dreams, your spirit and try to heal yourself. My dream as a little girl was to become a writer.

It's so easy to get caught up and to get "lost in this old world." I see that even though I was a good person and I was working hard, that I lost the meaning of life. I lost that person God had intended me to be. I can see it so clearly now. I can see it when I watch people who are so busy with their own life they don't have time for other people. I can see it when I watch people become so obsessed with money and the way they are perceived that they will step on others to feel good about themselves. I'm not surprised God took it all away from me. And, when I look back a little, I am proud of how I have healed and how I have searched to find myself and the woman God intended me to be. I have dug down as deep as I can, more times that I can count, to find the strength, the humility and the love that God gave me a long time ago. It's not such a bad thing to be broken down and to have the courage to change. I was forced to, but it's also a choice. It's so easy to lose that place where you came from, the experiences that shaped you, and the innocence in your heart, but finding your way back at any cost can change your life.

Day 236 - Surprises

As soon as I posted yesterday's entry I checked my email and saw that I won a giveaway on one of my favorite blogs. I felt like God was saying, "yoo hoo, here's something that's not normal, but really awesome. Enjoy it." Maybe life won't be normal or easy anytime soon, but there are still surprises, right? And often they can be good surprises. I just need to keep remembering that.

Yesterday I was also reminded that the most important things in life are the people we love. Hands down. If you have your friends and family, you are wealthy. Life can change at any moment so spending our time loving others instead of dwelling on our own situation will give us a life well lived. Being faithful gives us more time to love and less time to worry, more time to care about other people's problems and less time to obsess over our own. I am reminded how lucky I am to have everyone I love the most in my life right now, at all times.

And so, as it has happened over and over again during these past 236 days, I have gone from despair to joy overnight. My darkest days never last long because I am constantly reminded that this is all temporary and that the importance of who we are never lies in riches, but in our hearts, our actions and the people we love. That God is always with us, even providing small surprises when we least expect them, and even though He hasn't fixed things he isn't saying "no", he's just saying "not yet." That alone shows he hasn't abandoned me or forgotten about us.

Day 235 - One prayer

Most days my prayer list is pretty long, filled with prayers for other people and for my own family. Last night I just prayed for one thing. I asked God to please help us return to a normal semblance of a life. That was it. All I am asking for is to be able to pay all the necessities without worry. To be able to put my child in a fee-based program for their enrichment. To not have to say no to every single thing. To be able to have a normal family dinner out. To not have to make such major decisions, I swear they are constantly looming on back daily. To not have underlying stress in our home all of the time. I just want to be able to afford a basic life. Who would have ever thought that would be my wish? I know I am not the only one asking God for a normal right now. I know there are people in hospitals, in relationships and in so many other situations where they are also begging God for some normalcy in their lives too. I will never forget this feeling.

Day 234 - He gave me

Last week I tried to have some quiet time with God. Not just sitting, reading notes and praying, but the kind where you sit in silence, do not ask any questions and see what, if anything, God might have to say to you. Some call it mediation, some call it quiet time, I just call it faith.

Every night after everyone was asleep in the house I went downstairs in the dark, sat on the couch, had my prayer journal with me to write down things to remember and I sat in silence. Let's make this clear, I am a thinker. My mind goes a million miles a minute and I am a daydreamer too. This kind of quiet time is not easy for me at all. I'm blinking, thinking, and yelling at myself. I imagine it's pretty funny to watch. One night I did feel like God gave me a project to work on, so I felt good about that. The other nights were just painful, but I tried and I wrote down at least one thing I felt. By Thursday night I was feeling pretty lame and basically closed up shop at the quiet time station, when two bible verses came into my mind. They were 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 and Philippians 3:8-9. I wrote them down and assumed they were verses I regularly use on my blog and I continued being annoyed at myself for not being able to connect with God.

For some of you, I know that the whole quiet and talking to God might seem crazy, I totally get it. But sometimes you need answers. I am desperate, ready for this chapter in our lives to be over. I will take any sign or solution to be out of it and so when my pastor told us that we really needed to get that alone time in, I wanted to try it, truly hoping that God would just tell me that everything is going to be okay. He didn't by the way.

Before I went to bed I looked up both verses out of curiosity and I was blown away to read them. Neither were verses I was familiar with and they were both specific about faith and my struggles. It's funny how we think God isn't listening, but then we are so surprised when we realize He really is there. I posted these two verses yesterday and the day before. I spent a great deal of time last week mourning the "things" that I missed and in one verse it calls it all garbage and talks about discarding everything. I understand that. I feel like that is part of my purpose, learning that it is all garbage, no matter how much you love it. A life of love and faith lives with or without possessions.

And so, I realize that perhaps I am not cut out for supreme quiet time every night, but I do understand that if I am available, God will somehow find me. He may not pat me on the head and tell me it will all be okay but He will acknowledge my troubles and keep me on path. Quieting our lives, taking a deep breath and just focusing on faith can bring some amazing clarity in the hustle and bustle of life and the sorrow in our problems.

Day 233 - Verse

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith."

-Philippians 3:8-9 (NLT)

Day 232 - Verse

"Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love."
- 1 Corinthians 16:13-14

Day 231 - Joy is free

Let's face it; I had a little pity part last week. I think it was actually healthy because so much stress had built up and I just needed to get all of my emotions out. It's been 9.5 months of waiting, of going without, of watching things get worse and of teetering on the edge of more changes. It's exhausting and so I took a week off from being joyful. I let myself be worried and feel sad. But I'm back now and even though the problems are still there I feel joy again. I feel blessed at how great the rest of my life is. I can still laugh, have fun, love my kids, have a voice, make an opinion, take pictures and be exactly who I am. I am so fortunate. Money shouldn't control your life, your friendships, your choices or your well-being. It just shouldn't, plain and simple. Trust me, I know it makes life easier, but it does not equal joy in any shape.

I love that even in my week off from joy, I did not lose faith. I did not lose my faith in God, my self or my husband. My faith is dialed in now, always on my mind and in my heart. Sure I asked God a lot of question about why we are in this position, but I never felt abandoned and I never felt like I was ready to throw in the towel with Him. And, to be honest, even if I had that would be okay because I am right back where I should be right now.

This year has taught me a lot about what it means to be weak. Our society tells us that weakness is not having enough, being enough or being strong enough. That is a bunch of bologna. The weaknesses I see are being greedy, not being humble, not being honest and serving only your self. So while I had a bad week, I was not that kind of weak. My emotional strength was just weak. But I am back now, ready to face life head on and ready to feel joy even on the toughest days. Ready to be thankful for all of the great things life offers me that are free to enjoy on a daily basis, like friendship and love.

Day 230 - Hope and dreams

I am finding that when extra faith is required, it is equally important to have more hope and dreams. They seem to help tip the scale of faith vs. worry. Faith for me right now is knowing deep in my heart that God will provide and that it is all for good. It is the act of trusting that, although things may not happen the way I want, God will not abandon me. We will survive this. In having my faith grow week-by-week and keeping it alive when things get more difficult, I see that having hope that our life will not be like this forever and dreaming of the way things will be down the road gets me through it. It's almost like I am telling my worries and my sorrows that I know that great things are in my future like a home to decorate, crafts to make, articles to write and miracles to happen and that I will not let them defeat me. Dreams and hope literally stir my heart out of depression and keep my eyes focused ahead, telling me that this is all just temporary and that not even a difficult period of my life can take away who I am. They give me life. They whisper that through patience I can still accomplish everything that I wanted to before, even if those dreams seem far away. They give me ideas for new routes to take and journeys to travel. Hope and dreams take away envy, bitterness and shame and allow me to keep being joyful in all things and look less at the things I lack.

Day 229 - Tending

What I am working on this week:

- Quiet time with God.... sitting in silence quiet time. I think it takes practice!

- Keeping my motivation up even if my mood level is down.

- Praying more specifically.

- Having faith as soon as I want to worry.

- Remembering to not let my problems overshadow the needs of my friends and family.

- Trusting that things can work out, even if it seems impossible.

- Not letting the small duties slip by.

- Being joyful in everything that I do.

- Taking life day-by-day.

A life of faith constantly needs to be tended to. This week I am trying to tend to my own garden so that I can continue to grow.

Day 228 - Attitude

Over the last nine months I have had a few times here and there where I felt angry and upset over our situation (see yesterday's post), but in general I have this amazing peace in my heart and I am just living one day at a time. I think for me when we hit a new dip and things get worse, I need some time to adjust. I keep thinking it can't get much harder and it always does. But, once I accept that and adjust to the way things will be, I can kind of move on and turn my attitude around again.

I have found that there is one particular emotion that has kept me sane and that is gratitude. No matter how bad things get, I know they could be so much worse. Every day I thank God for everything that we do have. Mostly for our health, a roof over our heads, our safety, friends and family who support us, food in our kitchen and each other. I hear stories of what other people are dealing with and it turns my world upside down to think that I only have to worry about money.

I also find that reminding myself that things will not be like this forever, even though it often feels that way, really changes my attitude as well. It changes my mode to "getting through it" instead of "living with it". Feeling like a fighter rather than a victim is so much more affective. It also helps me to remember that God has a bigger purpose through this and with faith and trust, I can get there when it's time.

The way you get through your journey really lies in the way you handle it day-by-day. It lies in your attitude, your actions, your faith, your trust and your ability to fight your way through it. Leaning on God's grace and His blessings in your life will change everything.

Day 227 - Monday

I spent the last few days feeling angry, sad, frustrated, depressed and alone. But now it's Monday and it's time to move on and be the person I have been all along. Trusting, hopeful and patient with God.

"The Lord is good to those who put their hope in him. He is good to those who look to him. It is good when people wait quietly for the Lord to save them." -Lamentations 3:25-26 (NIRV)

Day 226 - Forward

This world can be so ugly and often it feels like no matter what we do to try and make it better it will never be enough. There will always be someone ready to criticize you in hopes of breaking you down. Selfish ambition and egos always seem to get in the way and often we get in the way of each other when we both can be doing good. The media is the perfect example of this. You just don't have a chance anymore at doing something good in the spotlight. Yet, we also do this with each other every day in our own circle of friends and neighbors.

I was looking at something beautiful the other day and it made me realize that we should spend our life putting goodness and beauty out there continually through out our life, wanting and expecting nothing in return in hopes that our own lifetime of love and dedication can make a difference. And in expecting nothing we won't be disappointed in the reaction we get or do not get from others. I often think about what people say about my blog and my life right now behind my back. People are so quick to judge when it comes to faith and when it comes to what they think you should be doing or what they think you are doing wrong. But thinking this morning about putting as much beauty into this world as you can made me realize that if you just keep doing it, no matter what anyone says or will say about you, then after awhile you will never look back.

Let's all stop with the petty stuff and put lots of love into this life. Don't let feelings, things or people hold you back any more. Don't waste time with fear or reluctance and instead start doing the good you were meant to do. Don't get in the way of other people because of your own insecurities. And, don't look back at the things that make you feel inadequate or regretful. Just keep moving forward and put as much love and beauty into this world as you can.

Day 225 - Yesterday

What a long week I had. Yesterday was really interesting because I had just written the blog post about how strong I felt, and I meant it with all my heart, and then through out the day I just lost it over and over again. I don't think I have cried that much in a long time. I cried because I was sad, I cried because I was frustrated, I cried because I couldn't help it and I cried from gratefulness. All in one day! I am all cried out; at least I hope so for a while.

It got me thinking about strength and that a good cry (or ten) doesn't take away from the strength inside of you. My faith still feels strong and I feel strong. Maybe that is what it means when the verse said, "When I am weak, I am strong." Even when I am torn down and emotionally drained I am still strong because I am filled with God's grace. It's so ironic about this whole verse because yesterday I did ask God to please take everything away. I am being so faithful and I just want things to finally get better. I felt like I was pleading with God to please make it stop. And while he didn't fix things, He blessed us in other ways. He has been carrying us all along with the help of our family and friends. For the past few weeks I have been really worried about how to pay for shoes for my daughter, a backpack for my son, gas in our cars and any extras expenses that may come up. By the end of the week and from the love of our family and friends (and without my saying anything to anyone) we had a new pair of shoes for each child, an awesome backpack for my son (with school supplies), money for gas and gift cards to Target. It's been like that all along. We may have bills to pay but somehow all of the extra stuff like food, clothing, and extra expenses gets taken care of. It's humbling. We can then go back focus on how to pay for the big stuff.

Someday I will have a story to tell my kids about how we made it through this time in our lives and how God, strangers, friends and family got us through it. Always on the right day and at the right time. And although I throw my hands up and beg Him to make it stop and I promise Him I will never go back to the way it was before and He doesn't answer the way I want Him to, I can look back on a day like today and feel completely in awe and blessed by His work and by the people who surround me.

To my family and friends.....I will never be able to thank you enough. Ever.

Day 224 - Weak

Looking back over the last few years I can remember the most poignant times as those when I was holding onto something tightly and finally threw up my hands and just gave it to God. I can almost remember where I was each time and what I was doing when I said, "fine God, whatever you want, I will let go." It happened with our home, my debt, looking for a job, becoming a stay-at-home mom, trying to find a place to rent (twice), and a few other memorable moments. The more we lose control, the easier it is to hold onto something specific, anything. And when I hold on, I hold on with all of my might. I imagine God sees it as me closing my eyes, shaking my head no at him and humming to tune him out. I stand my ground and try so hard to make it work, whatever it is. But eventually, like all the times before, I know that I have to let go and just let God's will take its course. That is a hard moment to come by. I hate letting go of what comforts me, especially since it has happened so much. Sometimes I want to just tell God to leave me alone, I am doing His work after all!

Mark and I are at another crossroad in our journey and while I am tired of them, I know that they are going to happen until God has finished this part of His plan for us. So yesterday I threw my hands up in the air, once again, and surrendered to His plan. After all, I am not in control. However I am not losing heart because I know that God's plan for us is far better than I ever could have made for myself so I will wait patiently and let him lead us. I am reminded of some notes I put in my prayer journal:

"Have the courage to see the fulfillment of God's promises to us."

"I am not looking for a tweak, I am looking for a transformation."

"Often servant hood and submission mark the truest test of an anointed person."

I also feel like my faith hinges on the fact that I know that life can change in a matter of seconds and that miracles can happen at any time. I just need to keep being faithful and steadfast. I love this verse I came across as I was writing this post:

"Three times I begged the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." -2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NIRV)
"When I am weak, I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:10 (NIRV)
Powerful. While I may feel weak for all that I don't have, my faith is strong. And I have to say that I feel like a much stronger and more confident person than I have ever felt before. That is no coincidence. You can read the verse in its entirety here.

Day 223 - My stress and our home

Even in faith there is stress, I know this because I keep getting the same sickness over and over again. I am on my fourth round since the beginning of July. I am praying that it isn't something more serious and it's just my body reacting to the stress of our life, which would make the most sense. Last week I had a few very strange painful anxiety attacks out of nowhere. I really believe that although I am not panicking or being extremely emotional on the outside, I cannot control how my insides react.

All of this makes me think of my kids and how grateful I am that in general they really have no idea what it happening in our lives. Sure they have had to move more frequently, they cannot buy toys and treats as often as they would like and their lives are a little different than it use to be, but in general they are really happy. It's amazing how a simple popsicle at home is just as wonderful as eating ice cream somewhere fun. God has provided lots of exciting times over this summer and they have not gone without. I don't have to worry about their bodies reacting to the stress or them being scarred. In fact, I think a lot of what has happened is actually a blessing for them. Learning that money is not abundant, we cannot have what we want whenever we want and sharing with our family is important. I never thought I would have my six-year-old son sharing a room with his three-year-old sister (and pretty soon their little brother) but I actually now prefer it until they get older. God has sure taught me some really good lessons along this path and I think my kids will be better for it. He has also grown their own faith abundantly and that is the sweetest blessing of all.

Today I may be stressed and sick, but I am so thankful that my kids are healthy, safe and happy. I am so grateful He gave me kids who are so resilient, content and adaptable in all circumstances. I think the home we have created is working and I realize that our home is really our family, no matter where we go.

"The house of the righteous stands firm." -Proverbs 12:7

Day 222 - Words

I know that I have posted many of these verses already, maybe more than once. These are the verses that speak to my heart and help me through hard times. I need these now more than ever.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." -Psalm 56:3 (NIV)
"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." -Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." -James 4:8 (NASB)

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12 (NIV)

"We are pushed hard from all sides. But we are not beaten down. We are bewildered. But that doesn't make us lose hope. Others make us suffer. But God does not desert us. We are knocked down. But we are not knocked out." -2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NIRV)

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." -Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." -Galatians 6:9 (NKJV)

"In quietness and confidence is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15 (NLT)

"A faithful man will be richly blessed." -Proverbs 28:20 (NIRV)

"God I want your will, not mine."

Put the verses that speak to you the most somewhere where you can draw strength from them, especially in the midst of a crisis. It's amazing how just reading them can change your day.

Day 221 - Fighter

I started playing tennis as a teeny little girl and it was a huge part of my life until I moved away to college. As I child I played daily, took lessons, competed in tournaments, and played Varsity all through high school. It was something that I was good at and I loved it. But, we knew from very early on that although I was competitive and won a lot, I lacked one important thing, I didn't have that cutthroat spirit. There were times that I actually felt bad for a competitor and somehow managed to let them beat me...I think I gave my dad multiple heart attacks because it was so frustrating. I loved winning but I was never willing to mop someone up on the floor to do it. I wish I would have been like that, maybe I would still be playing competitive tennis today, but it's just not in my DNA.

Sometimes I still feel like I lack that fighter in me, although in my everyday life I am fiery and stubborn. I work hard, I am not afraid to do things, and I always take the extra step to succeed, but at the end of the day I know in my heart that I could push myself even more. There is something in me that stops myself. I don't know if it's fear or self-control, but it's there. Right now I feel like that fighter in me is waiting at the same wall that she always walks away from, you know the one I have built up over the years. We may just have financial stress but I feel like this is the fight of my life. The fight to have faith, to trust, to believe, to succeed and to tell the ways of the world to watch out because I am not afraid to fight them. It's my fight to make it out of this darkness and to become more than I ever dreamed. I am fighting every day for this life and I wonder if this time around I will finally let go and fight my way to victory. In a way, and even with faith, we are constantly fighting for our own life and a better life for our families. I just wonder if I can do it. If there was ever a time that I could, it would be now because I am not fighting alone.

"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." -Romans 8:37 (NASB)

And by the way I am weirdly inspired by Justin Bieber's song Never Say Never, it's like my own little anthem (but please don't tell anyone, I'm totally embarrassed).

Day 220 - I heard you

"A faithful man will be richly blessed." -Prov 28:20

Dear God,

I know you were speaking directly to me at church yesterday. In one short hour and a half you acknowledged and confirmed my entire journey. You addressed my purpose, my struggles and my future. You told me the whys and the hows. You gave me proof that this journey is not in vein, that it serves the greater purpose that you have been whispering to me all along. You also showed me the areas I still need to work on. It was all there as I filled in the blanks on my outline. Every word was written specifically for me to see so that I can hold tight to my faith and keep moving forward in all hours. I am so grateful.

Love,

Day 219 - Proof

I know I share more on this blog than people normally would, my hubby reminded me of that yesterday. But this blog isn't just about faith; it's also proof of my journey. It is proof that it was real and my emotions were true. It's proof that we fell on hard times and it's a record of how my faith grew because of it. I know the real question is why am I sharing it with the world? I guess one could see it as a result of our failures, what we did wrong or how we didn't do enough. But for me it's proof that we are in a really hard place and that crappy things happen to good people. We are good people. It is worth exposing myself if somehow it can make just one person feel like they can survive their situation or feel like they are normal. There is no shame in hitting rough patches if you are growing from them. Gaining grace and wisdom from hard times is a sign of strength. There is even less shame if you are being faithful through it, praying and relying that God has other plans for you. Even believing that in fact, this could all be a blessing. Having faith changes the way that you look at the world around you and it gives you an inner peace, even on your worst day. This blog is my faith and trust that God will see me through in all circumstances. And, even on my most unflattering days and in my most honest admissions I am proud of that.

Day 218 - Bottom step

Mark and I have gone through a lot of financial changes. We use to be a two-income family making great money and had no problem spending it and putting things on credit cards because we felt like we could and we should. We were also putting money away in savings accounts for our kids and some in our 401K's. But, it still never felt like we had enough and we always wanted more, more, more. When I was laid off we went down to one income, which cut everything in half, well except for our bills because those stayed the same. Right away we felt a major squeeze and had to readjust our life, especially since me finding a job at that time was nearly impossible and so we had to short sale our house because we simply could not make ends meet anymore. That first year was really hard and we felt like we had nothing left. Fast forward to Mark being laid off last December and then we really felt like we had nothing. Any day before actually looked really good and we were living off of our unemployment and all of the savings we had left, including our 401K's. Fast forward again to last week, when we realized that we literally have nothing to live on and we cannot make ends meet without the grace of God. There are no promises and nothing to fall back on.

Why am I telling you this? It took me until last week to realize that often when things seem really bad, they are not even close. Every step down for us felt like we had lost everything and yet looking back we had so much. Even up to a month ago we had enough money to get us by and look where we are right now. What I wouldn't give to be a one-income family right now and at the time our world was crashing down on us. Or what I wouldn't give to have money from our 401K's in our bank account so that we could have some safety, but our world was falling apart. It's amazing what the value of a dollar really is, when you have to decide how to pay equally important bills. And yet, I still know that things could be so much worse, I get it now.

I don't know what situation you are going through right now, it doesn't have to be financial to relate. Whatever it is, it can probably be a lot worse, even if you think it can't be. Find all of the pieces of your life and carefully watch each one. Protect what you do have, adjust your life, and use what you have humbly. Don't over extend yourself. Most importantly be grateful for your blessing. Nothing is promised tomorrow. Don't spend your time being overly dramatic or get caught up in the ways of others, instead spend it full of grace, joy and love. Don't complain about how little you have, God can show you how little you really can live on. Right now I am so thankful for a healthy family, a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. And I pray that this is the bottom step for us and for you as well, in whatever you are going through.

Day 217 - Faith is not easy

Sometimes I think I have it all figured out and I feel like we are almost on the upswing, but then I blink and things are more stressful. I say to myself, "but I am being faithful, why is this still happening?" It's disheartening and I can feel our situation start to take a physical toll on my body. "God, why isn't it better yet? Why can't we be on the upswing, why can't we have something to look forward to, some kind of reprieve in our near future? I have so much faith God and I am doing everything you tell me to do. Why?"

I imagine that there are so many other people in completely different situations asking God the exact same thing right now. So, when I feel anxious and frustrated I remember what God has made very apparent to me. That I need to lean on Him, cry out to Him and trust in Him and never stop. That I need to be content with less. Every month I think that it can't be worse and then it gets worse. I realize that I can continue to live on less and make ends meet with His grace. That God's plans are delicate and purposeful and I need to patiently wait for them to roll out the way He has intended. They are not my plans. And, that I need to have faith, not fear. I need to practice this every day, even in the scariest of circumstances. Lots of deep breaths and lots of praying.

Faith is not easy. Having faith means you cannot give up, be dramatic, cry all day or lose hope. It means you have peace and joy even when no one expects you to. Faith is setting an example for others and reassuring those around you that God is in control. Faith is believing that you can get through anything because you have peace in your heart. Faith is knowing that God will fulfill all of His promises in time.

Prayers please

Just an extra little post asking you to pray for us. Things are exceptionally hard right now and we can use any prayers offered.

Day 216 - Quiet

There are those days when my words are not as clear and on those days I remind myself:

"In quietness and confidence is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15

Sometimes having stillness of mind and quieting the words from my tongue is really a time to gain strength from my inner self. This verse sits on my computer and empowers me daily. Mostly because I never saw strength in keeping quiet, but now I see that having a quiet inner dynamic can give you peace, it can humble you, it can give you the power to have faith in yourself and not let the ways of the world bring you down. Such an amazing lesson for an outspoken and loves-to-talk kind of girl. I need to practice this more.

Day 215 - Keep going

Yesterday was one of those days that I was about ready to fall over at any moment from pure exhaustion. The kids were a little naughty, we were on the go, my mind was racing, I was on my feet every second and it never stopped. So, having to head over to Costco at 7:15pm with hubby and all three kids was about enough to throw me over the edge, but I found some energy and I got through it. And then I found some more energy and put away what felt like enough food to feed a football team, got all three kids to bed, cleaned the kitchen, sorted the mail, spoke on the phone with my sister and worked on my blogs (among other things). I don't know how I got through the day, I barely made it, but I made it nonetheless.

That is how life feels right now. That is how our finances and the stress of how we got like this feels. I am beyond exhausted. I'm at three years of exhaustion. I stopped asking why a long time ago, now I just want to know how much longer. I am pretty sure that I tell myself daily that I don't think I can handle it anymore, but I make it through the day and by the time I have my quiet time at night I can find joy in my day and I know that I can do it all again tomorrow... and the next day, and the next day. Quite frankly I don't have a choice, but I am a fighter and I know God smiles on perseverance and patience. I just remembered something I read once, that God gives you everything that you need inside of you to empower you to get you through the rough spots and to become everything that He created you to be. That gives me hope and faith that He already gave me what I need to make it for as long as I need to (even if it doesn't feel like it). This part of my life will not last forever.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12

Day 214 - Friendship

I may not have money or new possessions, but My Year of Faith has given me more meaningful relationships in one year than any person could dream of. I have reconnected with old friends, met new friends and watched my closest friendships blossom even more. I cannot explain how fortunate and blessed I feel, but I do know that there is no amount of money or month of time that I would trade for these relationships. Learning to rely on others is not only a humbling experience but it is life changing. I don't know how else to explain it. Relationships are what save me from crying in a big ball in the corner. Relationships make my heart move instead of panic. They make life good again.

God puts people in your life in different times and circumstances so that they can know you in ways others cannot. He also orchestrates having people reappear in your life when you need them the most. I never cease to be amazed at how that works, especially with Facebook. I am also never surprised at the new people I meet with perfect timing. I feel like God continues to bless me immensely with relationships, not occasionally, but daily, I am rich and overflowing in that area. My advice is not to be afraid to put yourself out there or to reconnect with an old friend. Also make sure you tend to your relationships with care and concern. Be the friend you want others to be. Love your friends and tell them constantly. Friendships make my life go round when it feels like everything is about to fall apart and they have saved me more over these last few years than they could ever know. I am so thankful to God that for the abundance of quality people in my life.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." -Proverbs 27:17

Day 213 - Today

I feel like I have not given any specific updates on our situation lately. There is not a lot to tell unfortunately, Mark has had some promising interviews but unfortunately there is no urgency to hire in the marketplace right now. There is however a lot of waiting and that is what he is doing. Companies that he interviewed with months ago are just starting to move to the second step of the process and so he is moving forward at a snail's pace. He is busy every day collaborating with previous clients and keeping his contacts close, as well as looking for new opportunities. I am so thankful to have a husband with so much tenacity and perseverance.
Financially we are struggling and every month it gets more difficult, but I know that this is part of God's plan for us and I just keep trying to have faith that we will make it through day-by-day. When I get scared or overtly worried I close my eyes, push that anxiety away and have faith that somehow we will pay the rent, car payments, insurance, etc. By the grace of God we have made it this far.
For me faith is so much more than a word, a feeling or an act. Faith is my story, my heart and my soulful belief that even the deepest of hours can be for good. You will often hear me say, even in my sadness or disbelief, that we needed this wake up call and that I know that this has changed us for the better. I know that I am so much more joyful than I ever was before and that I never could have found this inner peace without losing so much in return. I miss being able to pay the bills with ease, or buying whatever I need at the grocery store, treating friends to a meal, buying my kids new shoes, or just having any kind of financial freedom. I miss just feeling normal. But, I know that God is specifically working on me and my family to build us a new life filled with blessings, hope and joy and that is what I hang my heart on every day. God has plans for me and I am faithful to follow down His path because I know that it is fruitful and full of miracles when He is ready for us to receive them.
I pray with all of my heart that He can sustain us until then.