Day 59 - Adding another chapter

I feel like this particular blog post could be spread over a few days but I am just going to lay it all out there now. Sorry it's so long!

Yesterday I didn't feel like going to church. Things have been tiring and emotional lately and I could have easily stayed home. We had a guest pastor, Matt Carter from The Austin Stone Community Church, speaking and at the start of the sermon I was listening and even prayed the prayer for God to speak to me as he had encouraged us to do, but I didn't feel totally enthralled. Fast-forward about 30 minutes and as he ended the sermon I was crying. Next thing I know I put my sunglasses on, I left church before it was completely over and went to cry in the bathroom because I didn't know where else to go. I was a blabbering mess, which actually makes me laugh just thinking about it. It got me. His sermon spoke to me and it put me on a narrow path, just as he had spoken about. In fact, I went to find the pastor before we left to thank him and I couldn't even speak to him without crying....I just blabbered some more. So embarrassing!

Now, let me take you back a few days, when I wrote these words on this blog, "Kind of like the lesson I learned when I said we would never short sale our house, and yet we did. I learned to never say never because you don't know what tomorrow will bring." Those words are ringing in my head right now.

Have I told you about my business? I started Creative Nest Designs after I was laid off and it has been 2.5 years now. I do custom invitations, announcements, logos, calendars and more. It is my heart. I love it. I feel like it defines me and it fills the hole in my heart that was left when I was no longer working my corporate job. I get to be creative and do something that I love. I have said over and over again, especially over these last 3 months, that I would never stop doing it. Ever. End of story.

To try and explain Matt's sermon is hard... there were no notes to follow, just a blank page to write your own. He started by talking about the small things in life that God clearly asks us to give up. Maybe we surrender some things but not the particular things that we just don't feel like giving up. He then went on to talk about Jacob who had a wrestling match with God that lasted all night long, at the end of it God dislocates Jacob's hip. Jacob walked with a limp for the rest of his life. God changed him forever. Sometimes God puts us in really difficult situations with a lot of sorrow and He changes us forever. But, God does this for our own good, he disciplines us so that we can learn to surrender, live with urgency and trust Him. Matt also spoke about his own battle with cancer and how we need to live like you only have 7 days to live. We need to live with urgency. Matt ended it saying that no matter how many days you live, God promises that He will complete the work He started in you. This is just a quick synopsis of the sermon, but I wish I could put you in my heart as I was listening.... just so you could really see how it impacted me. I will post a link if the sermon goes up online.

Before I was laid off, I hated change. I liked being in control. But after I was laid off God took away some of the things that meant the most, he took away my job, my home and the financial freedom that we had. But, through church sermons and devotionals, I was able to understand that it was all a part of the plan for my life. And now my head is in a wiser place, a place where once I understand what God is telling me, I can let go a little easier (I guess it just might take some extra pushing for me to really see what he is telling me).

Since I can only work when the kids are sleeping at night I stay up until 1 am. Last week I stayed up until 1 am every night, except for the two nights I was up until 3 am. Obviously that leaves me tired, cranky and not at 100% the next day. I am use to doing a lot at once and juggling life, so I just keep moving forward. But, I have been feeling like I am failing. Failing at being a great mom, wife and friend. I can only stretch myself so thin. While Mark and I were disagreeing Saturday night, it became obvious that I have not been able to give our marriage the attention it deserves. But all I could say was that there is nothing I can do about it. I have to work, I don't want to give it up and we need the money. Remember, I felt like if you take away my work, I have nothing to define me. And I said it again; I will not give up Creative Nest Designs, never.

God very clearly spoke to me at church today through Matt's sermon. When he spoke about surrendering the things that we don't want to surrender, I thought about my business. When he spoke about God giving Jacob a limp, I understood that God has already put me in difficult and exhausting situations and changed me forever (for the good). When he spoke about living with Holy urgency all I could think about was this blog. And, when he talked about living like you have only 7 days to live, I thought about how I know in my heart I need to be more present with my kids and husband right now. Things are way too difficult to give them less than 100% of me.

So what do you get when you put all that together? What do you get when you put me in the middle of a church bathroom balling in a stall by myself? You get me realizing that I need to give up another thing that I love. I need to give up my business so that I can be there 100% for my family in this hard time and so I can have the urgency to focus on this blog. Just like that. And so I am. God clearly has been speaking to me about this and I can flash back to 10 conversations and obvious signs that I ignored. Signs I pushed back because I didn't want to. So today He found a way to make me sit still and listen so that I could not ignore it any longer. He also promised me that if I did, He would continue the work He started in me.

I guess if you decide to write a blog about living a year of faith, you better expect God is going to make a lot of changes in your life. I definitely know that sometimes God's plans don't make sense (well not at first). It really doesn't make sense to stop making money when you need it desperately. It also doesn't make sense to give up something that you love that doesn't really hurt anyone. I mean I am still a good mom, wife and friend. I have the stamina to keep going and unless God wasn't shaking me, I would have no reason to stop.

So what does this mean for me? I am not totally deleting my company; I am just taking a vacation. For right now I am declaring that this vacation will probably last until end of summer when it's time to start doing lesson planners, Holiday cards and personalized calendars (my most profitable time). Over the next two weeks I will be finishing all projects currently in queue. After that I will only keep one amazing client whom I could never abandon (hi Jamie), maybe do some prayer journals to put on etsy (I am currently getting my first tester bound right now) and do a few parties. That's it. My time will go from 30+ hours a week to maybe 3 hours a week. And then there is this blog. I will have more time to dedicate myself to this blog and reaching others through it. I can get the word out, find time to become a better student of faith and be more thoughtful in what I write. And most importantly, I can be the wife and mother that helps her family through trying times by being available. Because what I am learning is that in the hardest times, sometimes just having the laundry done and the house cleaned, makes everyone feel better. Crazy right? I have never been a real housewife. I also know that having more time to be present with my kids and hubby is what they all need right now. Time to just listen, snuggle at bedtime or sit on the couch and hold hands. And of course, I need to let God work his magic in my life by trusting Him. And when it's time to do Creative Nest Designs full time again, I will be ready! Or maybe God has other plans for my life. We will see. But for now I am calling it a vacation (and to all my faithful clients, thank you, and this is not the end).

Once again, in my year of faith, I am taking a major leap of faith. And so, as I have already said once before, welcome to a new chapter of our lives....