Day 49 - Home and heart

You know when something is just kind of eating away at you, but you keep ignoring it, but then it just nags at you more? That's how I have been feeling about our home.

First, I have to say that the house we are in right now is a blessing from God. Long story made short, when I lost my job we could no longer afford the house that we owned. I was making great money for someone my age and with equal incomes we had everything we needed and more, but when I lost my job, we lost half of our income. I worked for a homebuilder so my job was no longer available anywhere due to the hardship of the industry. Any jobs at that time were paying half of what I had been making and I couldn't get a job to save my life. So after a lot of discussion and a lot of tantrums on my side, we had to short sale our house. There was no possible way for us to pay our mortgage anymore. We had about a week until our escrow was going to close and we still had no place to live. Suddenly a town home was available for rent and by some miraculous intervention we got it and were able to move in right away. I loved that place. It made leaving MY HOME okay because it was bigger and perfect inside (dogs not so much, no yard). Since we were desperate we had to take whatever we could get and the rent was a little high for us but we were making it work. Fast-forward a year later and right before Mark got laid off, it was time to renew the agreement. We were ready to sign, but something wasn't right with us financially and we knew that we had to move again. Once again, we would only have a short time to find something new. In our price range there were only 2 bedroom condos available, which meant no yard and very little room (there are 5 of us and 2 dogs). But, we were willing to go wherever we needed to because any roof was still a roof and we had to move no matter what. When it was down to the wire (again) we found this place we are in now. It was to the last dollar of what we had declared was the most we could pay. It's still small for our family, but it's a house with a yard, my son is at his same school and it's in a great little neighborhood. When we got it, it felt like God patted me on the back and said, "it's going to be okay." When I say this house is a blessing, I mean it to the very extreme. It's a gift. And when Mark got laid off, I realized it was the greatest gift we could have, a gift prepared ahead of time.

So now that you know how I truly feel about the house (grateful), let me explain my nagging feeling. Since we have moved twice in the last two years our furniture isn't meant for this house. We just make everything fit the best we can. The walls are all white which makes it feel cold. I love the house in general but it doesn't feel like my home. I'm actually embarrassed for people to come over only because you can't see the love of my family in it. It's just a space. We are happy here but not settled. Does this make sense? I obviously can't afford to buy anything at all to fix it up, so I just leave it and ignore it. I have picture frames hung, but without the appropriate pictures in them. I have no decorations downstairs. And I don't even try.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we let things eat away at us, things that are important but we ignore them? I mean it may seem superficial, but I think making your home a space with love and comfort is kind of essential. We do it in all areas of our lives, the way we look, the way we dress, what we eat, our feelings and our relationships. We feel depressed about them but we just leave them the way they are because we either don't think we can change them or we are afraid to try.

So as a metaphor for all of us, I am going to decorate my house. I am going to research ideas and ways to change things or add things with no cost (or with pennies). I'm going to do it for myself and for you. I want to use my home to prove that you can redecorate whatever it is in your heart that is nagging you. Whatever is bringing you down and making you feel uninspired and stuck. And I will post pictures. It won't look like a Pottery Barn home, but it will give me some sunshine in my soul and hopefully a little hope in your soul too. If God can provide me a house, I can make it a home. So stay tuned.

"The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way... Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!" 2 Cor 6:12-13 (Mes)

(This verse came from a sermon titled "Will I Make Room for Jesus?" Funny when I'm writing about my home.)