Day 279 - Realization and fear

When you hit rock bottom (or what you hope to be the bottom) and you are looking back up, you realize so many things in such a short span of time. For me, I have realized that I worry less. I don't struggle as much internally as I used to about little things or big things. After all, when you are worried about feeding your children and keeping your necessities, what else could matter as long as your family is healthy and safe? Nothing. Nothing else matters. It really has opened my eyes to what I want out of life. It takes away a lot of shame and embarrassment from not having "everything." No one can have everything anyways, and if they claim to, they must be in a lot of pain. I feel much more free now. Free of all the distractions that used to weigh me down. My mind doesn't race anymore. I may want or long for things in my life, but my heart doesn't get involved. My faith that God has it all taken care of is what gives me peace.

I do have a fear though. I fear that I will forget what all of this looks like. When we are out of the hole and walking miles down the road, what will I feel like? Will I just merge back into the roadway of life, living every day barely remembering what happened? Will I get distracted when life is not tough and spend less time on being faithful and more time on other things? Will I forget what it felt like to be on my knees at night, crying out to God, hoping that no one sleeping in my home will know the burden and heartache I felt? How can I take a snapshot of my heart right now, still full of exhaustion from the downfall but full of light and hope from the journey? I am so afraid that I won't be the person that I am right now when we start moving again and that there will be less words in my heart to hit the page. That frightens me.

God, please keep my heart tender and my words full of joy. Please catalog these feelings I have so that I am able to remember them forever.