Day 303 - Together

Mark and I had to both really grit down and fight through this year. To get through it, we had to fight together and not let anything distract us. We were a well-oiled machine. Now we are starting to see some sunlight, so we are able to get up, stretch and look around a little. I think the hardest part for me is that I want Mark to have the exact same insights and feelings that I have. After all, didn't we go through the same situation? Aren't we looking at the world through the same pair of glasses? Shouldn't he feel exactly how I do? That's just not realistic. Now that we both have had a chance to look around, we don't feel or look at the world the same. He has been moved and changed in his own way and I in my own and neither is wrong or right, they are just unique. Now we both have to sort through our feelings and come together to get through the rest of the journey ahead. It's certainly not easy. You often think that getting through the darkest moments is the hardest part, but I think picking up the pieces of what has been left behind and putting them together for the future is challenging in its own right. All I know is that we have to stick together and I need to pray daily for guidance and blessings in our marriage and our future.

Two people are better than one. 
They can help each other in everything they do. 
Suppose someone falls down.
Then his friend can help him up.
But suppose the man who falls down doesn't have anyone to help him up.
Then feel sorry for him! 
Or suppose two people lie down together. 
Then they'll keep warm. 
But how can one person keep warm alone? 
One person could be overpowered. 
But two people can stand up for themselves. 
- Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIRV)


Every experience will be felt differently by those involved. No one feels and experiences life exactly the same way because God made each of us to be unique. And that's okay. This is definitely a life lesson for me, not just with my marriage, but in all my relationships.






p.s. I have a great giveaway on my other blog!

Day 302 - Unfair

Sometimes life just seems unfair. How do you try and explain God and faith when a beautiful mother of three small children dies of cancer at a very young age? It shakes me up. I want to yell as loud as I can, "why God?" I know that I (we) will never have the answer, but I hope that I will continue to grow with wisdom as I mature in my faith. I hope that when a non-believer asks me why awful things happen, that I will have a better answer than, "I don't know."

This is what I found tonight as I was searching for my own answer.

Basing our faith on who God is rather than what He appears to be doing is crucial to our spiritual health. Because God's ways are higher than our own ways, we cannot always comprehend what He is doing or why He makes certain decisions.


I don't know if it's the right answer or if it is just what fed my sadness a little bit. Maybe it's just the beginning of understanding. I know I have a lot more searching to do and that I am more aware than ever that life is fragile.

Day 301 - Top priorities

This year I have heard over and over again that life is all about relationships and that love should be your top priority. What is your top priority in life? What is your top priority on most days? Making relationships and love my daily top priorities completely changes how I think about my days. How would your days look if they were your top priorities? Perhaps it would change the way you spend your day at work or with your friends. Maybe suddenly your to-do list would change and you would find more time to do things for other people. It's just a whole different way of thinking and it would make you pay attention to what you do, how you do it, and how much more you can do for someone else. I find it very intriguing and life altering and I definitely want to think about love and relationships when I make my to-do list every day.

Day 300 - Forever Reign

There are a few songs at church that I have a strong connection to. I love them. One of them is called Forever Reign and instead of posting all of the lyrics, I dissected them and found the lyrics that I connect to the most.


You are good, when there's nothing good in me.


You are light when the darkness closes in.


You are true even in my wandering.


You are joy, you're the reason that I sing.


I look back at this year and I see this peace inside of me that I never had before. I knew that even on the worst day, everything would work out eventually; even if eventually might be a very long time. I had faith that our struggles were not in vain and through reading, prayer and some soul searching God made it abundantly clear that our struggles were not only necessary but also life changing. The peace that I felt was not because of me, but because of God's grace.

People tell me all of the time that I have handled this situation well, but I feel undeserving of that accolade. All I did was have faith that even the worst times can be filled with joy and I opened my heart to believing that it all has a bigger purpose. I believed that the pain and heartache is necessary to grow. God just put something different in my heart this time and I was open to accepting it and leaning on Him when I needed to. I was open to being appreciative of everything that I had, which turned out to be much more valuable than a house, money, possessions, etc.

I didn't do anything wonderful.... I just believe that God can do wonderful things even in the darkness.

Let God's grace get you through whatever you are going through right now.

Day 299 - Perspective on faith

A devotional that really spoke to me said that faith is more than what you feel, it is what you do. Faith carries compassion and we show our faith by our actions. I don't know about you, but when I think about faith I picture what is in my heart and I assume that faith is only the way I feel. But what I am learning in that faith is expressed in the way that you live your life and how you treat others. That's how people know that you live a faithful life, because you actually demonstrate it every day by being a compassionate person.

Just a little perspective.

Day 298 - Everything I need

I'm really busy right now, can anyone else relate to that? I feel like I am running around from place to place every day of the week and I am living my life according to a clock. I know that busyness is not good, it distracts from family time, spiritual time, and from keeping yourself centered. My shoulders have been tense for the past few weeks and I am exhausted every morning when I start my day. I know that my weeks will slow down soon and that life is unusually busy right now, but I find the only thing that keeps me sane has been prayer. This is a new thing for me, I never have prayed in my hectic life, usually only in my quiet time. But lately when I am running late, when I am worried, or when I am stressed I ask God to help me out and He has really been coming through. Since I am very aware of how overly busy life is right now, I also think it's a good time for me to step in and manage the time I have in front of me. Maybe it's time to say no to a few things.

Yesterday when I finally had a quiet moment, I caught a glimpse of some old notes in my prayer journal from a bible study that I did. These words were like music to my ears as I was frustrated with my hectic schedule and with my slow movement to fining my purpose.

"Everything you need lives on the inside of you. To empower you to do and be everything He created you to be."


Imagine that, God created us with all of the tools that we will need to get through any circumstances that come our way. Everything we need is already inside of us. He created each of uniquely to handle life's most difficult periods. On top of that, He gave us everything we need to reach our purpose in life and to follow our dreams. Just today I was feeling overwhelmed that nothing is coming easy for my future or for myself. And yet, then I stumble across this passage and realize that I have everything I need inside of me to make it further. I can do this.

So with a mix of exhaustion, some extra prayers, and newfound confidence I am ready to tackle the rest of my week and to move forward with better planning and faith that everything I need to forge my oath lies within me.
 

Day 297 - Life changers

As I have said over and over, our friends and family have carried us through this mess, financially and emotionally. Before this year is over I will write a more detailed post with specific accounts of the ways we were helped because I think it's a testament of friendship, love, selflessness, and God's perfect timing. But for today I just want to explain how my life has changed because of it.

When people needed my help prior, I was happy to do it, especially if you were my friend. Things like providing a meal when you have a baby, passing on gently used clothing, helping with some design work, or maybe just doing a simple favor were things I would normally offer. I feel like I had a giving heart, but it definitely wasn't the same. It wasn't as genuine as it is now. I just feel different. Now my heart offers help before I can even think about it. Now my heart aches differently for people who need blessings. Now I want to help, even if it's inconvenient. I think most of my change is because people did so much for us that it literally made me weep out loud continuously and it would bring me to my knees. Why did friends, family and even strangers care about us so much that they give up their needs to meet ours? And, not for little things but for big things too? I just couldn't fathom it at times and it's still happening even as our road is improving. People are really, truly good.

I can say now that I have experienced true gratitude. I am beyond thankful for what people gave us because they literally helped us keep a roof over our heads, gave us necessities, and helped feed our children. My heart evolved, it grew character, and it became wiser. Now I feel obligated (in a great way) to bless other people. My outlook has changed. If I don't have time on my calendar to help, then I will find time. If someone needs a meal, I will provide one. If we have no money to assist, I will offer my time. There will always be someone around me who can use my help. I will strive to be a nicer and more giving person because of every person who loved us enough to help us. As I am now helping others with a pure heart, I get back peace, joy, love, and so much more happiness throughout my day. I let the small stuff go, I rarely feel annoyed when a stranger imposes on me, and I want to be out in the world doing things. I feel like a whole new person.

It's amazing how other people's generosity changed my life forever. Every big or simple act made a major difference and I will dedicate my life to blessing others.... because of all of you. You made me a better person.

Make today the day that you reach out to others more than you have before. Give directions to a stranger, make meals, offer to watch someone's kids, give financial support, join that ministry, send little luxuries, or email words of love. It's going to take some practice for me, but we can do it together and when we put more love out to the world, we get more back. Our little world could use a lot more love right now.


"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." -Colossians 3:12 (NIV)

Day 296 - Let me

Happy Monday friends! I realize that most of my readers are probably my good friends (and my parents), but I know that some of you out there found me by chance or perhaps I have known you sometime in my life and we are now Facebook friends. Either way, I am here. You might be going through some intense and personal issues in your life and need someone praying for you. You can come to me in confidence; there will be no gossip or judgment, just prayer, friendship and encouragement. Don't be embarrassed to reach out to me, trust me I understand how hard it is to be vulnerable. Please email me at elhajs@aol.com and allow me to stand next to you, even if you don't believe in the power of prayer, I will do it for you. I am here.

 

Day 295 - Ambition

I think that ambition has been a part of me since I was a little kid. I have always wanted to achieve, win, do more, and be something. Although I lack that killer instinct, I am not afraid to try new things or of failing at them. Since I have been motivated by ambition I looked up its meaning on dictionary.com today.

am·bi·tion 

1. An earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment. 

2. The object, state, or result desired or sought after.

3. Desire for work or activity; energy.

4. To seek after earnestly; aspire to.

Why am I sharing this? I had a really amazing moment last week. While I have always been ambitious, especially in my career, My Year of Faith has completely changed my heart. Yes, I want so many things out of my life and I am trying to get them. But, while driving my kids home from the zoo last week, I felt something come over me. I felt a peace in my heart that told me that if the best thing I ever do is raise my children into amazing adults, then I will have lived the most joyful life I could ever know. Maybe God didn't create me to be the powerful woman I have always wanted to be (wouldn't He have given me that killer instinct?), or maybe He did, I don't know. Maybe He made me to be a mentor, a nurturer, a teacher, and a mom. After all, the woman I thought I wanted to be would have never wanted three children, and look at me, I still would love more. Maybe He is telling me that ambition won't tame my heart, which is where I live most of the time. But really what I think He is revealing is that true contentment and joy come from living my life with everything that I already have and seeing how wonderful that really is.

This year has shown me that everything you achieve can be gone in a heartbeat. That the love I pour into my children and the world around me will stay with me forever. That I need to love my life deeply before I can properly go out and expand it. That raising my kids is something I am passionate about. And, while I will continue to have ambitions, find my purpose, and try to fulfill my dreams, I will no longer measure my greatness by what honor or fame comes along. I will learn to be content with all of the riches that He gives me. My life has evolved so much this year; God has somehow molded me and reshaped my heart, while keeping my spirit alive. I am still me, just different. I never stop being amazed at how He is changing my life. That he can take away my strong desires and somehow make them better, and with much less.

Day 294 - More

This morning I woke up with the realization that I need to be praying more, a lot more. Not for my little family and me, but for all of my friends and family experiencing tough times right now. It's not that I haven't been praying for them, I have been dedicated to praying for them continuously through their hurts and their heartaches. I have had so much joy in watching so many of their prayers answered over time. But God put it in my heart this morning to do more, to pray more. It's my duty. I need to be praying more for everyone, especially my friends who are not praying for themselves. I need to step it up and be the person silently routing for them in the corner, asking God to bless them. It is my job to care for them through their grief, fears, stress, sadness and even joy, and this is how I will show my love. Silently in my heart. We can always do more.

Day 293 - Living

I have been feeling a little spiritually out of touch lately. I am pretty sure that is an indicator that I have been doing too many things and I need to focus on my faith a bit more. I am thankful that my mind and my heart notice these things pretty quickly. Time to dive back into my prayer journal, read a little more, and find my quiet time again to get back with God.

Living on Purpose is the path to peace. 

Day 292 - It's okay

Today God pulled me back a little bit. I have been on a cloud feeling happy because I got a glimpse into a normal financial life again but then I tried to live it for one day and God said, "uh uh, it's not time yet." This is obviously going to be a much slower road back, which is okay with me because I know we can do it. I just needed a little reminder. I am so grateful for all the small changes and for all of the goodness in our lives right now. I think it's okay to be on a cloud as long as I stay close to the ground.

Day 291 - Seeds of life

I can remember so many nights this year when I felt like life would never get any better. I didn't feel like that just once, I felt it more and more as the months kept unraveling before us. My heart knew that it would get better eventually, but my mind couldn't always catch up to that, especially when things would get worse. It was tough having faith that things could be right for us again, and then October happened. This month has been kinder to us than all the others. Things are lining up for Mark, slowly but steadily, I think we are going to be okay! We are going to keep struggling a little longer, but not on the same level as it has been. We can see the horizon instead of the darkness. I find a lot of joy in having this reassurance that we are going to make our way out of the ditch. Even little steps are progress, right?

For me, I have has a great two weeks full of promises and joy. I got an email that I will be designing a logo for a quaint restaurant in Hawaii. Then I was asked to be a blogger for OC Family. Right about the same time I decided to completely revamp my Amanda's Favs blog and make it into a newer version of myself. Life has been exciting for me and I can feel the energy of our lives changing right before my eyes. Just little changes, but they feel big when you have had so little for so long. I can even see little ways that our family life has changed over this year, and it amazes me how so much good can come out of such a dark time.

The sermon at church last Sunday was about the laws of sowing and reaping. I can't explain how much I connected to this message. Basically Pastor Rick spoke about how you must plant seeds (your dreams, kindness, love, faith, etc) and because everything starts as a seed, nothing will happen unless you plant them. Planting a seed is an act of faith. You may feel like you are waiting on God or the perfect time to plant, but He is most likely waiting on you. Whatever you sow, is what you will reap. Whatever you give out, good or bad, is what you will get back. If you sow gossip and negativity, expect to get much more back. But if you sow good things, you can expect to reap much more loveliness. You will always reap in a different season than you sow because God is working in your life and it takes time to grow in wisdom. He also said to reap the harvest you must be patient and never give up. This has been our life this year. While we were struggling we were also sowing. We were sowing seeds of hope, seeds of faith and seeds of love. I wanted those seeds to harvest right away (and in the form of money), but they didn't.  Other people planted seeds in our lives, more than I could ever count and we were richly blessed because of them, but we were still in the dark waiting. Some of those seeds we sowed are starting to harvest. Our life is starting to bloom again. Just a little bit each day, but when you have had so little, even the tiniest harvest is as big as a mountain.

"So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up." -Galatians 6:9 (NLT) 


It's a promise. I'm ready to spend my life sowing seeds. 

Here are the links to my new blogs:

Family and Frills at OC Family

Assorted Lovelies (formerly Amanda's Favs)

Day 290 - Just a little

"And though you started with little, you will end with much." -Job 8:7 (NLT)

Day 289 - Noel's Story

My Year of Faith and God's Faithfulness

David Wilkerson describes Faith as beginning with a total abandonment of oneself into God’s care, but our faith must be active, not passive. That is how my husband and I have tried to make the biggest decisions of our lives.

This last year has been rough. I've felt more isolated and alone then I ever thought I would; yet my faith has carried me through. Two years ago my husband’s project at work was coming to an end. There were a few possibilities of different things coming up; two of which meant moving away from our hometown. We began to pray! Asking God to place us where His will was, not ours. Each night I would ask for God’s will in my life knowing that leaving everything familiar to me was not something I was comfortable with. My children were young and I wanted to be near my support group of friends and family.

Towards the end of that summer my husband had to travel to San Jose for work. Once he came home he knew that if we wanted he could have his same position up there. We continued to pray! One month later on a Thursday afternoon my husband called home to say, "tomorrow they are going to offer me a job." And they did, it was 400 miles away from home, and a promotion, something unheard of during the recession. But we really made the decision to go based off of our faith in knowing we had been asking God for the past year what He wanted for us. We went and faced this challenge trusting in God's faithfulness.

We've been here for a year and it has brought us to our knees more then once. There were difficult times like finding a new church, making new friends, or learning where you want to go for a run and where you should stay away from, but the most painful part was facing trying times and not having your family and best friends nearby to comfort you. However, each time I get homesick or discouraged I can tell myself I know I am where God wants me to be! He placed us here.

Part two:

Our faith is not meant to get us out of a hard place or change our painful condition. Rather, it is meant to reveal God’s faithfulness to us in the midst of our dire situation. God does at times change our trying circumstances, but more often He doesn’t - because he wants us to change!

This last year has tested my trust in God’s faithfulness. Six months after moving our family based on our trust in God’s will for our lives I became pregnant. This is something that brings up raw emotions due to my recurring miscarriages.

I am a strong believer that each of us has a God given talent or purpose. I know mine is motherhood. I am a nurturer. I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember.

My boys are currently 4 years old and 2 years old. Six years ago we started trying to have a baby, we had been married for two years and I had just finished college. I can remember standing in the bathroom telling my husband I was ready to start a family. That was the beginning of a journey I never saw coming. It has been a journey full of ups and downs. There has been more pain then I ever thought I could handle. Looking back at the girl in the bathroom longing for a baby, she at that time could not handle what she has been through, but through faith and God's grace she is stronger then ever.

My story is full of pain, loss, doubt, but most of all God’s faithfulness. I am learning that God is faithful but I have to preserver and be persistent. I've been through four miscarriages. Each one was a huge disappointment to say the least. Each time I walked away with a pain that I can't put in words and don't like to try. In church one Sunday I allowed myself to feel as if I was let down by God. I can remember feeling like God could have intervened and given me a healthy pregnancy and baby. He could of spared me from this pain. But in that moment of feeling as if I didn't deserve to feel this pain I also realized that Jesus felt this pain as much as I did, and He truly didn't deserve it, but as part of God's plan He felt all our pain so that we could experience the gift of forgiveness. So if He could feel the pain of each and every person who am I to complain or feel sorry for myself? However I did.

The first miscarriage was physically painful. The second was heartbreaking because it made me start to doubt if I would ever be able to stay pregnant. I can remember sitting on the floor in our hallway crying out to God asking Him to take that desire of motherhood off my heart. "God why did you create me with such a strong desire if this is something I can't have? Please take it off my heart if this is your will!" At the end of that long year I was pregnant with Cole. God did want me to be a mother, and boy did He have a sense of humor because He gave me a baby who screamed from sun up to sun down. It is as if He was saying, "you want a baby? Well here you go!" After Cole I had my third miscarriage and it hurt like all of the others but it was glossed over because I was pregnant with Sam a few weeks later. But my fourth miscarriage was a doosey!

We had recently moved and the pregnancy was not planned. I was not ready for another baby because Sam still felt like a baby to me. But, we had been praying about when to have more children and if it was God's plan then we were ready. I went to my first doctor’s appointment when I was 8 weeks pregnant and I did not have any of my usual signs of problems. I had never gone this long without spotting, miscarriage or not. Within minutes of the ultrasound I was told that it was a nonviable pregnancy and I would have to get a D&C as soon as possible. My husband was in meetings all day, my kids were with a new friend, all my friends and family were 400 miles away and no one knew I was pregnant. The next day in the hospital before the D&C they did another ultrasound and this time they found a heart beat. At that moment I felt like God was faithful. He gave me a miracle that I had not expected. I let down my guard and thought that this is what God wants for us. Four weeks later I went in for a third ultrasound and was told once again that there was no heartbeat. This time I could see with my own eyes a baby and NO beating heart. God why? Why give me a miracle at eight weeks when four weeks later there is no heartbeat?

It has been four months and I'm still not totally out of the funk. God is a faithful and a loving God but in moments like that it's hard to move on and see God’s love and grace being poured abundantly on you. However, each day I grow a little stronger and keep moving forward knowing God is walking alongside me.

In Romans 8:28 Paul reminded the Saints, “All things work together for good to them that love the Lord.” Our Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and perfectly, allows us to have experiences that will help us to develop the traits and attributes we need to become more Christ like. For me it is much easier to look back and see the faith that carried me through my trials then to feel that faith during those trying times.

God's faithfulness is what has brought me through. It is so clearly shown in Jeremiah 29:11, “I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.” These words bring comfort and assurance, helping me recognize that the Lord is working in me.

I feel His love in the hymn, Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee. 
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love; 
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, 
Seal it for Thy courts above.

From loss there can be courage and life anew.

Day 288 - Simple thought

I just read this, "Focus on what we have in common, not our differences." Wow, I needed that right now. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the differences that I have with other people that I fail to celebrate all of the things we have in common. If I would focus on all of the things that we have in common then I could definitely raise up my relationships instead of sometimes feeling frustrated with them. Kind of an amazing and simple thought that could really turn the tides on how we feel about the people in our lives. I really did need to hear that today.

"Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love." -Ephesians 4:2 (NLT)  

Day 287 - Trust me

Just because you have bad circumstances in your life it doesn't mean that your whole life is bad, that part is up to you. I have been so amazed this year that even on a really stressful day I can minimize the heartache by finding joy in the simplest things. It's your attitude and the way that you look at your life and the world around you. I found that when Mark was laid off, the best thing we could do was try and move on and not think about how mad he was at the company. Once we accepted what happened, stopped complaining every day, and moved on, life was kinder. Instead of saying, "we didn't deserve this," life was so much better on the days when we humbled ourselves and were grateful for what we had that day, like food and shelter. It's certainly not easy to do because we are human and we all have emotions and the right to feel them, but the doom and gloom seem a little less when you practice it more. It took A LOT of practice for us, but you might be in for a longer haul then you expected (I am raising my hand right now because we never thought we would still be struggling this long). But trust me on this one; it's so worth it. Living on negative attention and self-pity just isn't worth it.

On that note, no matter what you are going through, make sure you see your own self-worth. Your circumstances do not define who you are or what you are capable of. Have faith in yourself and God's plans for you because if you do and you move forward with faith instead of self-hate, your life can be full of God's grace and amazing possibilities.

Day 286 - On my mind

I think we need to tell ourselves that we cannot do it all and be okay when things don't go our way.

I have wanted to join Moms In Touch for about a year now. Moms In Touch is about praying with other moms at your children's school for the children, their teachers, and administrators. Usually it's a bit harder to do if you have younger children who are not school-aged. In most cases you would need to find childcare for them, but it has been in my heart to reach out and see how the group at our school will form. I found out yesterday that in fact they will try and work around having younger kids there, but they are meeting on the same morning that I have MOPS. While I was disappointed, I am fully aware that maybe there is a reason it's not going to work out for me this year, or at least right now. I have to move past it, I cannot do everything. While I am typing this I am reflecting on a situation earlier this year at our new school where I wanted to have a parent leadership role and an unfortunate situation occurred. I was pretty upset and even sent an email to the founder of the school, but now looking at it from this vantage point I am once again seeing that maybe it's for a reason too, I cannot do it all. I think I am finally learning to accept this and be okay with it, because I have learned this year that it's all in God's hands and that I need to stay on the path for my journey. I have found some inspiration from different church service notes that make me feel better about this.

Simplify my life, don't do too much.
Focus on the long-term not the short term.
Remind myself that God is in control.
Change requires making choices.

On that note, and somewhat related, I have gone through a huge attitude change this year. I have realized that I no longer need to change my family's values to match someone else's. This theme has been reoccurring all year long in many different circumstances. Obviously I want to be respectful and accommodating towards other people's choices, but in the end I want to establish our own rules and beliefs and not be afraid to stick by them. I will no longer allow other people to sway me into making choices based on what they believe, instead I am going to listen to other viewpoints and decide what I want to do in a situation. I will stick to what I know is in my heart and be open to making changes that I feel are in my best interest and pray about them. I have so many amazing and empowering women in my life, but if I spent my time trying to make them all happy or trying to conform to what they believe, then I would just get lost in who I really am.

Run God's race for me, not others' race.


A life of faith is constantly loving, growing, changing, making mistakes and learning from them, and being authentic with others. It's certainly not easy.

When others share what God is teaching them, I learn too.
"I want us to help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me, and my faith will help you." -James 5:16 (Msg)


I love that the first thought used "share" instead of pressure and that the bible verse talks about how each person's faith helps the other. It's not one-sided.

I still have so much to learn about growing into myself, my faith, and in my relationships with others, but I feel like my eyes are wide open to seeing how to get there.

Day 285 - Things on my mind

Last night I realized that since Mark was laid off I have only been reading non-fiction books and I am only interested in documentaries or movies based on true stories. It's kind of weird looking back, but I think I have only wanted to immerse myself in real life so that I could begin to understand what life is all about. I want to feel real life, I want to see it, and I want to read about it. Obviously I have been trying to dive deeper into all of the emotions I have felt over the last few years and try and see or read what others have gone through in their own situations. Maybe I am trying to connect to the human spirit and other people's emotions. Maybe I was hurting enough that I didn't want to live in fairy tales. All I know is that it has stuck with me and I don't think it will change anytime soon.

Since the clouds are starting to part for us I am seeing all of the things that have been neglected and overshadowed by our circumstances. Let's face it; we needed to be focused these last few months on getting us through. Now I am seeing that it's time to look around and tend better to friendships, our home, giving, my kids needs, relationships, etc. I know that it's in my heart to be available for people who are going through tough times, and also for my friends who are maybe just having a bad day. It's a little overwhelming to be honest, but I don't want to be the person who is only focused on themself while someone they love is hurting. I am sure I have done that a lot recently, but I don't want to do it anymore. I know that this must be part of finishing up My Year of Faith strong, only 80 more days to see what God has in store for me and to be able to write about how this year centered on faith will change my life.

For those of you who might wonder what I will do when the year is up, I am thinking of starting a whole new year. Maybe a year of grace, love, or joy. I'm not sure but hopefully God will lead me where He wants me to go, just as He whispered to me to write this blog.

 

A little extra for today

At this exact time, 3:30pm on a Sunday eight years ago, my hubby Mark and I were getting married. When I think of marriage, I think of a giant leap of faith. You fall in love with someone that you know you are meant to share your life with and when you say that "I do" you are telling the world that you have the faith and the commitment to be together forever.

Marriage isn't just a leap of faith it's a life of faith in each other. Faith that in the good times and the hard times you will stick together, no matter what. Faith that when one of you is down, the other will lift them up. Faith that God placed you in each other's lives because there is no one else better suited for you. Faith in the hopes and dreams of the other person. Faith that even with babies, jobs and problems you will stick together, never forgetting about each other. I have been guilty of this, of allowing the kids and other things to come in front of our marriage, but I have faith that Mark and I can get through anything together. I have faith in us, I have faith in Mark and I have faith in our future, no matter how hard the road gets.

Mark has supported My Year of Faith, even if it's not his passion. He has allowed me to write about things that heavily concern him and to put our life out there for others to see. I know that most husbands wouldn't feel comfortable with that, but I also know that is a little part of why we are perfect for each other, God saw that when he created us for each other a long time ago. Mark and I have each put a lot of faith in each other this year and this year has not been easy for us. We have stuck together and fought through it with our heads held high and as a team, but I think that our marriage has suffered a little this year not being able to buy gifts or do things to show our appreciation for each other. Of course those are material things, but it's nice to have surprises in your life or to be able to have time for yourselves and get out of the monotony of every day life.

So as part of My Year of Faith I am making a promise to Mark today that I will put our marriage at top priority, that I will have complete faith in him as he now determines our financial foothold and that I will support whatever he wants to accomplish this year and next. I cannot buy him a gift or do something elaborate for our anniversary, but I can give him a promise that I love him and that I am ready to let him steal some spotlight in our life instead of keeping it all for myself.

Happy Anniversary.

 

Day 284 - Wake up call

After yesterday's post and reading about Katie's faith in action, I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. It's hard to explain, but I needed a little kick in the pants and hearing about a young woman living in Africa and adopting 13 children was exactly what I needed. She gave up all her comforts and conveniences at home for a life of extreme faith, not just a year. We are still struggling but things have gotten so much better over the last few weeks. I know that things are going to eventually work out for us financially, so that extreme pressure has started to lift. But, I have also felt my extreme faith lift a little bit too. I'm not desperately worried about feeding my family or staying in our home, so I am not on my knees begging God each night like I was before. Here I have been feeling like I reached the top of the mountain of faith, but I am realizing that this is just the beginning steps of my journey. The next part of my race is to stretch my faith. I need to take new leaps and bounds and put my heart into motion to test my faith in the real world where every day is not a crisis. I don't know what I am going to do or how I am going to do it but my eyes are awake and I know it needs to be done. It's time to start living my life with all of the grace God has poured on me and with the feeling of how I felt on my journey in the back of my head. I feel anxious about it but I also know that I don't want to move back to a comfortable life. How can I live more faithfully each day? I wonder why God put this feeling in my heart? What does He have in store for next?

Day 283 - Her faith

I actually don't know where to begin with this one. Sometimes other people really bring us to our knees, tonight that happened to me after reading about this amazing woman from a Facebook post from my friend Stefani. Yes I have faith, but tonight God showed me how much more faith I can have. Like barrels, buckets, rivers and lakes more of faith. Her story is amazing. Perhaps I connect with the mother in her, but I am fascinated by the human in her. Her words are like poetry to me. First read her bio here. When you are done go to her blog here. Her written words in her blog are what stopped my heart and then gave it life. I imagine that she experiences more in her daily faith than I will have experienced in my whole year of faith. I will be purchasing her book from here. Like I said, she has brought me to my knees.

Day 282 - Lesson Learned

Let's face it; in general, no one wants to move to a smaller house, especially when your family is expanding. But, that's what we had to do. We moved our family of five (plus two dogs) into a two-bedroom home. We moved when our youngest wasn't quite one yet, so it wasn't ideal trying to figure out our sleeping situation. It took a few months and eventually we figured it out (thank goodness for a little loft area). We are all now cozy in this little home, almost a year later.

Sure, I complained and had a hard time adjusting (okay I complained a lot), but we actually moved before Mark was laid off. What a blessing this little house has become! If we wouldn't have moved I'm not sure how we would have found a new home with no income. No one would have wanted to rent to us, but God knew what we needed before we did and somehow ten months later we have come up with our rent payment every month, by the grace of God, because no math equation could solve how we have done it. Many nights my only prayer was asking Him to keep our family safe, healthy, and in this home. I never would have imagined we would have made it, and yet here we are, happy, healthy and safe!

This home didn't just come by itself, we have settled into an amazing neighborhood with new friends and many more blessings. The kids have friends their own age to play with every day, and we enjoy having new friends too. It's exactly what we would have wanted if someone would have asked us what kind of neighborhood we wanted to live in. It is right in between our old neighborhood with a sprinkle of drama and another past neighborhood with absolutely no kids or adults to be friendly with. It's lovely.

This is all just more proof that even though you feel despair or feel like you are being punished, maybe God is actually providing you with other things your heart has been longing for. You cannot have everything, but God can give you some things. We are so blessed and this little house rarely feels little anymore. Faith really does bring joy if you let God do His work. I wish I wouldn't have felt so much despair when we first moved in, but now I am seeing the bigger picture. God took care of our needs ahead of our problems and while things were less than idea, he showered us with many blessings in an uncomfortable situation. Lesson learned!

Day 281 - Faith is good

Sometimes I look back at my prayer journal at some of the specific prayers I have written over the last few weeks, months and year. I have forgotten about so many of them and have kept up weekly on others. As I read them I can see how God has worked in my life and the lives of others. I have prayed for friends to get pregnant, families to reconcile, for our finances, for the safety of people I love, for peace in others hearts, for education in my children's lives and for many other blessings in good times and hard times. I have prayed for myself, for strangers, for friends, and for certain situations. I have prayed for more things than I can type, but they have all been equally important to someone. So many prayers have been answered, it's amazing to look back at. There are others than have not been answered, but I am not giving up on them. And, there are so many prayers that I will never know the outcome of or ones that did not turn out the way we hoped, but for those I pray that some good will come out of them. No matter how I look at them, my little prayer journal is proof that prayer works. It's proof in a life of faith and the workings of God. It's proof that situations can get better and people can change. It's proof that tiny miracles happen every day. It's proof that you can fix certain areas of your life through prayer and faith. Faith is alive.

 

Day 280 - It took three years

It took 3 years and of a financial downturn in our life for me to love being a stay-at-home mom. I have never loved anything so much. Everything changed my heart to where God obviously intended me to be. It was His plan, not mine. In fact, it was as far away from my plan as I could possibly have had! Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of all of the amazing jobs I would have and even in college I would have told you there was no way I would be a stay at home mom, ever. Even when I was working I scuffed at people who said that I should stay home. And yet, here I am. Still making some money on my own and dreaming big, yet at home every day with my three kids (by the way, I only wanted two kids and I used to be sure of that too). God shaped me and created me himself and even though I have had ideas of what I wanted to be, He still found ways to mold me back into being the woman He always intended me to be. I appreciate that more now than I ever could have. I am the exact opposite of the woman I wanted to be, but I am happier and more confident than I ever could have been on my own. Today I am thankful for God bringing me to my knees and taking all of my comforts away so that I can have grace and joy in my life. Maybe your journey is the opposite of mine, maybe God intends you to be at work or someplace else. All I know is that you can fight it as much as you can (I sure did), but eventually you need to give into the process and have faith that it is all for a purpose. I woke up today with more appreciation and love for my life than I have ever had before. Imagine that.

Day 279 - Realization and fear

When you hit rock bottom (or what you hope to be the bottom) and you are looking back up, you realize so many things in such a short span of time. For me, I have realized that I worry less. I don't struggle as much internally as I used to about little things or big things. After all, when you are worried about feeding your children and keeping your necessities, what else could matter as long as your family is healthy and safe? Nothing. Nothing else matters. It really has opened my eyes to what I want out of life. It takes away a lot of shame and embarrassment from not having "everything." No one can have everything anyways, and if they claim to, they must be in a lot of pain. I feel much more free now. Free of all the distractions that used to weigh me down. My mind doesn't race anymore. I may want or long for things in my life, but my heart doesn't get involved. My faith that God has it all taken care of is what gives me peace.

I do have a fear though. I fear that I will forget what all of this looks like. When we are out of the hole and walking miles down the road, what will I feel like? Will I just merge back into the roadway of life, living every day barely remembering what happened? Will I get distracted when life is not tough and spend less time on being faithful and more time on other things? Will I forget what it felt like to be on my knees at night, crying out to God, hoping that no one sleeping in my home will know the burden and heartache I felt? How can I take a snapshot of my heart right now, still full of exhaustion from the downfall but full of light and hope from the journey? I am so afraid that I won't be the person that I am right now when we start moving again and that there will be less words in my heart to hit the page. That frightens me.

God, please keep my heart tender and my words full of joy. Please catalog these feelings I have so that I am able to remember them forever. 

 

Day 278 - Answer

I prayed about what to write today. Here was my answer:


"My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil." -Proverbs 4:20-27 (NIV)


Let's not get distracted today, or tomorrow, from our own personal journey. Let's keep moving forward, past the people who want to stop us or those that don't believe in us, to the place where we can fulfill our unique purpose. It's those that keep their eyes straight ahead that have a life well lived and a heart full of joy.


 

Day 277 - My friend

It's funny how life and faith work together. Just about a year ago, I was getting ready to say goodbye to my best friend as she moved 6 hours away. It was beyond difficult. Sure we still talk on the phone and see each other when she visits, but through our beginning years of motherhood we saw each other whenever we wanted, we supported each other and we just loved to be with each other all of the time. She was there every milestone and every step I took with my kids. There was nothing better than sitting at the park, talking about our lives and watching the kids play, I still long for it. We just get each other. But we had something else that makes our friendship special, our faith. We talk about it, think about it and live it with each other. We have the same values and want the same things for our kids. At the time we were also sharing the same spiritual difficulties. We would go to church, sit together and support each other. It was nice to have that, it still is. When she moved I know we both felt like we would be lost trying to find our own way to grow in our faith, but God knew what was best for us, as He always does.

It's almost been a year and we have both grown more in our faith this past year than through out entire lives, and we did it separately. It needed to happen. After she moved we both had the deep seeded longing and reached out on our own discovering ways to grow as individuals and as families. We have met other extraordinary women of faith that have helped mold our lives. We have been brought to our knees this year with our own situations and we have both surrendered completely. Growing apart really made us grow up. It's amazing to look back and see how blessed we have been by going out on our own and doing the things we always said we would do together, but never did. And, our friendship is just as amazing as ever and we have more to bring to the table and teach each other from our separate experiences. It is just proof that although life seems scary and lonely at times, often they are just little pushes from God to grow more and branch out on your own. Don't be afraid of change and allow yourself let go a little easier. God has a plan to prosper you, not to harm you.

And to my friend Noel, I love you more than ever (and I still miss you every day). Thank goodness for the telephone. XO

Day 276 - 102 days left

I only have 89 days left of My Year of Faith, which brings me mixed feelings. On one hand I feel like I have been talking non-stop for 276 days and I know that I have said many of the same things or feelings over and over again. Yet, on the other hand I feel so ill equipped because I have only been diving deep into the faith that pertains to my situation. I feel kind of stuck. Things are getting better so there is less gloom and doom. I had so many hopeless days and nights this year, I feel like that cloud has moved on in our life, partly situational and partly out of maturity. But the other part of me is so scared that I will begin to pick up my life again and leave that deep connection I have had with God. How can I possibly compare or relate to the times when I was on my knees begging God to make it better? I don't want to be disconnected, but somehow I already feel it a little bit. It's easier to get to that place with Him when you are terrified. So I guess my next 89 days needs to be focused on rebuilding, connecting, and figuring out how to keep my faith prevalent and strong in just an ordinary day. I am hoping that what I will discover is that in fact, my faith has just evolved and if I went back to that place of desperation, my trust would be strong enough that I would not need to cry out in the same way.

Day 275 - God's protection

My mind is reeling about Mark's new job possibility. I realize that I keep saying that God is teaching us to be patient and that is why He is not giving us everything we need overnight, which I now think is only part of the truth. I am realizing that maybe the reason why He is not fixing everything for us right away is so that we cannot move on and forget everything that we have learned, felt, and experienced. He is protecting our hearts and our faith by giving us time to really mold our last ten months (and three years) into our new life without instantly going back to the way we were living. Instead of a job with a great salary package right away, He has provided something that will grow over time and yet give us great hope for our future. That is no coincidence. God cares enough about us to let us struggle a little more so that we can get our heads right, talk about the important issues, and make the changes that we need ahead of the curve. Just like a true father.

The very first notes that I took this year in my prayer journal:

"God develops us slowly because we are slow learners and we have a lot to unlearn."
"Will we fulfill God's purpose, or will we shrink back and live a comfortable, self-centered life? Will we live for our own goals, comforts, and pleasure, or will we live the rest of our lives for God's glory, knowing that He has promised eternal rewards?"


God has purposeful plans to protect our journey and us.

Day 274 - Tests and grace

"He never allows the tests you face to be greater than the grace he gives you to handle them."
(from The Purpose Driven Life)

Day 273- God is good!

God is good, but I knew that all along! I found a lot of goodness even in our darkest moments. Mark finally had that meeting that I had mentioned and even though it didn't go exactly as we had hoped, in some respects it went better. God knows what is best for us, right? We were hoping they would hit him with a more stable monthly package so that we could dig ourselves out of this mess, but instead they are leaning more towards a beneficial long-term position, where he can have a chance at making great commissions and grow into an exciting management position for the future. I told you that through out these past ten months God has been teaching us to be patient, instead of giving us what we want right away. This moment seems no different and it aligns perfectly with everything that has happened. So while we will still struggle for a while, things will get better and better over time. I can handle that. I have faith that this plan is in God's hands and that He knows exactly what we need to save us financially. Faith has taught me to trust the process. I pray that this will move forward successfully and that we can start to regain our footing again.

I will say it again, God is good, and having faith that He knows what is best for us is literally life changing. Just because we know what we want, doesn't mean it's the best thing. I'm not scared or nervous at all. The less-faithful Amanda would be terrified of the uncertainty, but the new Amanda is ready to see what this new blessing may bring.