Day 148 - Things don't have to make sense

I assume that the first thing people wonder when they know our situation is, "why doesn't Amanda get a job?" That's what I would wonder. There is no possible rational explanation for why I am not working. There are barriers, such as daycare expense for three children and it's nearly impossible to find a good paying job at this moment, but those are just barriers. I do put my resume out there every two months or so and submit it to around fifty places with no response. Last week I sent it to some companies for some lower-paying jobs just to see. To my surprise, I was sent back an email saying that I wasn't what they were looking for. I think I did the same job when I was in college. It's so frustrating, but to be perfectly honest, I only submit those resumes just in case God wants me to go back to work.

Not too long ago (and I blogged about it) I felt like God had made it very clear that I needed to find more time to be available for my family. I was sitting at my desk designing a lot for my own business. I was up extremely late every night and worked all nights but Saturdays. Not only was I missing bedtime with the kids, but Mark and I barely spent any time together just the two of us. My mentality has always been to work yourself to the ground if you have to, for whatever reason. I was pretty sure that earning money for our family was the perfect reason for me to do that. I listened though and I have really lightened my workload. It has taken a few months, but right now I am noticing a huge difference. Here's the funny thing, right when I slowed down the most is when we need money the most. It's an odd struggle to be in. My mind (and possibly any rational being on this earth) is telling me to work, work, work, but my heart and my conscious tells me to keep things the way they are.

Our bedtime routine use to be to throw everyone in bed and possibly spend an hour or so yelling at my daughter to get back in as she wandered out, cried, asked for a drink of water and did anything possible to get out of sleeping. Now, I lie with her every night until she falls asleep. I also sing to them before bedtime, I tell them how much I love them and I pray with them. I might have something to do, but I know it can wait. After all, wasn't this what I God was calling me to do when he told me to step back? As for my marriage, I have noticed a huge difference, yes I spend a lot of time writing this blog, but I definitely have more time to spend with Mark. There is less separate time and more together time.

I know that God calls us to do things that don't seem to make any sense. If they barely make sense to you, they definitely won't make sense to others. It's not a fun thing to experience, but as in life we will be judged daily by others for all of our actions, good and bad, and there is very little we can do about that. I ran into a friend at Costco yesterday who reminded me that when we go through hard times we have no idea how God is working in our lives. I do know this but I need to be constantly reminded of it. I was reminded again when I read these words in a book last night:

"Our pastor had an explanation for why I didn't realize until later how God had held my hand every step of the way." Carina says. "He says sometimes you can only understand why things happen when you see them in the rearview mirror."

There is nothing easy about having faith, but I know in my heart that when I look back in my rearview mirror years ahead, that I will see it all. I will see the how and the why of our current situation. I will see why my main purpose in life at this moment is to be available for my husband and kids and to write this blog, and that's it. I will understand why the easiest solution, like my going back to work, wasn't the right solution at all. Like I said, there is nothing easy about having faith, but in the end faith is what gets me through the days and gives me the courage to follow the plans that God has whispered to me.