Of course I often wonder why God is still punishing us financially. It is a natural thought to have. When we were both working we were indulging in our lifestyle. We were saving money, but we were not caring for our money the way that we should have been, we were not watching it close enough and treating it as a blessing. The value of money at that time holds differently than it does right now, for obvious reasons. I know that was the culture at that moment and we are far from alone in that respect. I do feel like we have suffered through the downfalls for a while now and I wonder every day when it will get better and why it's not better yet. Sometimes I worry that it will never get better. That we will struggle like this forever.
Tonight I read this bible verse:
It came from part of my bible study and obviously is in context to what we are studying. But it still spoke to me, along with this verse:
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." -1 John 1:9
Over the last 3 years I have done a lot of crying, confessing, begging, and praying to God in prayer. A lot. I have had some very intimate moments of true, soulful, raw, heartfelt conversations. But tonight I wonder how many times did I really apologize for my sins? Deep and truthful acknowledgment that I overspent my boundaries and that I did not see His blessings. It's hard to write that. Sure, I have spent countless hours thanking God for the safety and health of my family, telling God that as long as I have those blessings I can handle anything (and I mean that from the bottom of my heart). But when did I get down on my knees and confess to Him? When did I tell God that I was sorry that I displeased Him? Has He been waiting for that acknowledgment?
I don't have the answers to all of my questions. God uses people in certain situations and I know that I am supposed to be where I am. I also know that I need to confess what I have done. I need to be honest about how we got here. I know that we got stuck in the middle of this economic firestorm that millions of people are in. It's not my fault that the job market is horrendous, but I do have a part in my own life. Tonight is the night I apologize to God for my part. We cannot spend our lives constantly blaming everyone and everything around us.
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