Day 151 - Pit of grief

I am still feeling sad and frustrated that Brody did not get into the new charter school (it was a lottery in case I never mentioned that). Of course I know that he already goes to a great school, that public teachers are wonderful and that God might have other plans for me, but as a mother you want what you feel is best for your children and you will keep trying to get that no matter what. What I want for my children has nothing to do with anyone else and I am not giving up. Yes, God may have completely different plans for us that do not include this school and I will be okay with that, or He may just be saying, "not yet." Either way no one will know until we look back in the rearview mirror.

The way I have been feeling about our finances and not getting into the charter school and some of the things people said have made me think about something else that has been on my mind lately. Last week in church the pastor spoke about talking to your children. He said that they will approach you at least once with a really difficult experience. No matter how we feel about that experience, we must either empathize with them so they will trust us again to share how they feel, or just be there to listen. We do not always need to have an opinion about everything. There is no better way to send your kids running to the hills when you lecture them about something that is tearing their world apart. This topic hits home for me because I do have a very strong opinion. It is just my nature to comment about everything; ask my husband. But, ever since I watched and listened to my friend's grief after she lost her husband to cancer, I saw that what people really need is for you to listen. Most of the things people said to her, while meant with good intention, were far from helpful or comforting. I read this passage in a book this week and it made me think of her:

"And nothing that anyone could say seemed to help....It angered me that people might think that some pat little Christian phrase would quench the inferno of my grief. At other times, I realized people meant well and, mainly, spoke wounding words because they didn't know what else to say. There were just a couple of people who did know what to say: "I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, but I want you to know that I love you." Those were the people who climbed down with me into the pit of my grief and stayed with me. But the grief pit is a pretty nasty, slimy place, and most people don't want to get down in it."

- from What Difference do it Make? Stories of Hope and Healing

It's not easy, but I want to be the person who gets in "the pit" with people. Just last week a friend shared a heartache she was going through and I couldn't talk fast enough with comments on her situation. I'm pretty sure she didn't ask me what I thought. Funny, how we do that. In our situation as things have gotten harder I feel like people have more opinions about what they think we should be doing. I'm not talking about really useful advice; I am talking about their personal opinion. I know that they mean well, I really do, but sometimes your opinion is just pushing the other person away. On the other hand there are so many people who really just get into "the pit" with us. If I have felt like that with my tiny heartaches, I can't imagine how it feels for people with real, raw grief.

It's not surprising to me that this is a lesson I am learning right now. It's not just about being a better person of faith; it's a lesson on being a more compassionate human. It makes me think about my role as a mother and how I not only should protect them and give them the best chance that I can, but I also need to serve as a role model for them. I need to work on myself daily. Do you remember this post? These are the areas I want to work on to be a better me: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. I still need a lot of work. I hope that this post; although it may seem a little rough around the edges, can also help inspire someone else to just climb down into the "pit of grief" with a friend or loved one who needs it. Putting our opinions aside or learning to just be there can teach us to be a more compassionate and loving person, parent, friend and human.

Day 150 - Memorial Day

Today I am thankful for all of the men and women who have given and continue to give their lives to protect our freedom. I am taking a moment to really reflect on that thought, to think about the husbands of my friends who are serving and to also honor my grandfathers and great grandfathers who served in World War I & II.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13

Day 149 - What do you do with disappointment?

We have faced a lot of disappointment lately. Mark has to hear that job prospects have passed on him; that is beyond rough after awhile. I have sent a bunch of emails to pastors for guidance with a future writing career and they have essentially passed on me too. Yesterday, we found out that Brody did not get into the charter school I have been praying about, I was really bummed. After awhile you start to wonder why God won't allow something good to happen. Mark's response to not getting into the school was, "why couldn't God give us this one little thing in the face of so much disappointment." It's a good question. At this point we are walking around expecting for people to keep saying no, and it keeps on happening. We are feeling a little broken; okay a lot broken.

I don't want to be a victim. In our circumstance it is so easy to see how people become bitter. Bitter towards their past employer, the government, God, life in general and the humanity of others. Bitterness is something that creeps up in you and evades your whole being. Bitterness comes out in anger and judgment. I don't want to be that family that complains all the time and feels like their life is so much more unfair than others. How do you walk that fine line when life truly feels unfair but you don't let it victimize you? I guess the answer truly is faith.

In my face of disappointment over the charter school I went searching through my prayer journal for some sort of answer to handling reoccurring disappointments.

* To live a spirit filled life we have to have an inner dynamic to handle life's pressures, we can be joyful regardless, and we have little difficulty maintaining a positive attitude of unselfishness, servant hood and humility.

* Our hearts never need pouring out more than when they are filled with the toxic waters of bitterness.

* You will be offended by God in your life but you must trust that He is trustworthy

* Trusting God completely means having faith that God knows what is best for your life. You expect him to keep his promises, help you with problems, and do the impossible when necessary.

I can't say that reading all of this instantly makes me feel better, I still feel discouraged. I can however keep these words close to my heart to help block any bitterness or anger I may feel, especially towards God. I can hang my heart on them and allow myself to still feel hope and faith for our future.

Day 148 - Things don't have to make sense

I assume that the first thing people wonder when they know our situation is, "why doesn't Amanda get a job?" That's what I would wonder. There is no possible rational explanation for why I am not working. There are barriers, such as daycare expense for three children and it's nearly impossible to find a good paying job at this moment, but those are just barriers. I do put my resume out there every two months or so and submit it to around fifty places with no response. Last week I sent it to some companies for some lower-paying jobs just to see. To my surprise, I was sent back an email saying that I wasn't what they were looking for. I think I did the same job when I was in college. It's so frustrating, but to be perfectly honest, I only submit those resumes just in case God wants me to go back to work.

Not too long ago (and I blogged about it) I felt like God had made it very clear that I needed to find more time to be available for my family. I was sitting at my desk designing a lot for my own business. I was up extremely late every night and worked all nights but Saturdays. Not only was I missing bedtime with the kids, but Mark and I barely spent any time together just the two of us. My mentality has always been to work yourself to the ground if you have to, for whatever reason. I was pretty sure that earning money for our family was the perfect reason for me to do that. I listened though and I have really lightened my workload. It has taken a few months, but right now I am noticing a huge difference. Here's the funny thing, right when I slowed down the most is when we need money the most. It's an odd struggle to be in. My mind (and possibly any rational being on this earth) is telling me to work, work, work, but my heart and my conscious tells me to keep things the way they are.

Our bedtime routine use to be to throw everyone in bed and possibly spend an hour or so yelling at my daughter to get back in as she wandered out, cried, asked for a drink of water and did anything possible to get out of sleeping. Now, I lie with her every night until she falls asleep. I also sing to them before bedtime, I tell them how much I love them and I pray with them. I might have something to do, but I know it can wait. After all, wasn't this what I God was calling me to do when he told me to step back? As for my marriage, I have noticed a huge difference, yes I spend a lot of time writing this blog, but I definitely have more time to spend with Mark. There is less separate time and more together time.

I know that God calls us to do things that don't seem to make any sense. If they barely make sense to you, they definitely won't make sense to others. It's not a fun thing to experience, but as in life we will be judged daily by others for all of our actions, good and bad, and there is very little we can do about that. I ran into a friend at Costco yesterday who reminded me that when we go through hard times we have no idea how God is working in our lives. I do know this but I need to be constantly reminded of it. I was reminded again when I read these words in a book last night:

"Our pastor had an explanation for why I didn't realize until later how God had held my hand every step of the way." Carina says. "He says sometimes you can only understand why things happen when you see them in the rearview mirror."

There is nothing easy about having faith, but I know in my heart that when I look back in my rearview mirror years ahead, that I will see it all. I will see the how and the why of our current situation. I will see why my main purpose in life at this moment is to be available for my husband and kids and to write this blog, and that's it. I will understand why the easiest solution, like my going back to work, wasn't the right solution at all. Like I said, there is nothing easy about having faith, but in the end faith is what gets me through the days and gives me the courage to follow the plans that God has whispered to me.

Day 147 - If God asked me

If God asked me right now, what lesson I think He has been trying to teach me the most over these last three years, without a doubt I would tell Him that I am certain that it is how to be thankful for every single little thing or blessing that I have. I think He wants me to be thankful for the change in my pocket, the food in my refrigerator, the breaths my children take, every dollar in my checking account, the luxuries that I have, the places we go, the roof over our heads, the freedom to share my words, and for every important person in my life. While God has continued to test me by taking so many things away (and He is definitely continuing to do so), I marvel at all of the things that we do have because I know that they too can be gone in an instant. Every day I wonder what is next; will it be the house we are in? How about the health of someone in my family? Will it be my camera or computer? What is next? And yet, I kept a stash of money after Mark was laid off for my son's birthday, so yesterday we took him to Legoland. While we were there it did not fly past me how lucky we were, that we still have that luxury right now. There are so many people that are living with so much less than we are and I am constantly reminded of that daily. It puts me in a weird spot because I do get upset with our situation, every day for us is uncertainty for the future, and yet, today we still have so very much.

Day 146 - An answer to a prayer

Over the last 146 days I have asked God for more than just financial help, I have reached out to Him for some very specific help with some important relationships in my life and for a lot of guidance for my future. It is so easy to get completely wrapped up in my current financial crisis, that I haven't taken the time to notice how He has been working on mending areas of my heart this whole time. He has literally been answering my prayers in small and meaningful steps. It is so easy to get caught up in whatever huge heartache that we have, that we fail to notice the small miracles He is performing. I almost missed them.

On Tuesday night I did some necessary and long overdue praying. I thanked God for a lot and I asked him for a lot too. I asked God to give me a sign if I am headed in the right direction for a possible future in writing. I have not mentioned it yet, but for months now I have been heavily researching future possibilities for more education so that I can write devotions and other faith based works. Practically since Day 1 I have felt that this might be what God has been calling me to do. It is well known that writing a book has always been my largest goal, but as I continually have tried through the years to find what it is I should be writing about, I never felt like I could quite wrap my heart around it. I could never get the words to start, well that was until I started writing this blog. My heart knows how to write real life. My heart also feels like it needs more biblical education and so deciding whether or not I should go back to school to get a degree in Theology has been on my mind a lot. I got my MBA while raising my first child and it was a huge commitment for our family, now with three kids, it's not a light-hearted decision. Plus, have I mentioned we are totally broke! So before I make this leap of faith, or before I keep putting countless hours in trying to find other options, I felt I really needed God to give me a sign that this is in fact where I need to be going. I don't mind taking a leap, after all this blog was a huge leap and has been the most amazing blessing, but I just needed some reassurance that this is still God's plan for me.

That brings me to yesterday. As I said, the night prior I had asked God to please give me a sign that this is what he wanted me to do. I pretty much forgot about that prayer in the midst of celebrating my son's birthday. At 3:36pm I received an email from a reader whom I have never met before. It wasn't just an email; it was a lot of love. Enough love in one email to not only tell me how my blog has inspired her but also enough love to share some of herself with me. It was validation that yes; someone is out their reading and understands what I have to say. After I read it I was filled with joy and a lot of grace. It took me a few hours and one of those "ah ha" moments, which I think God was saying, "you dummy," when I realized that this completely out-of-the-blue email was God saying, "yes Amanda, this is your sign." There is no such thing as a coincidence, especially one like that.

So this brings me to two things. First, God does answer your prayers, maybe not the prayer(s) you think needs immediate fulfillment, but He does listen and He does answer. Secondly, this woman who emailed me took the time to send me an amazing email with a lot of love. I don't know what compelled her to write to me that day, instead of a few days before, next week or never. It is obvious that often the acts of love that we do are also a part of a bigger plan. It is so easy to brush things like that aside when we are busy, but, when it comes down to it, they are little blessings that we share with others and are often part of God's bigger plans.

So today I am reminding you to keep asking God for guidance in all areas of your life and to keep pouring blessings onto other people. It's amazing how important something so simple can be (thank you "M" for your email, truly).

P.S. Mark has an interview Friday afternoon, please pray for him! We still have not heard back from last week's interview, but I have my fingers crossed that he will move forward to the next level of interviews with that one too.

Day 145 - Strength

Today is my son's birthday and this is the bible verse I have chosen to give him.

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." - 2 Samuel 22:33

This verse is simple and sweet. It is a verse for a fighter, a lover, an optimist, and someone full of joy. I have seen his inner strength since the day he was born and he never stops amazing me with his sensitivity and braveness. I hope he will keep this verse close to his heart as he continues to navigate life.

Day 144 - Growth

Trying to take a mental break from my life right now is hard, especially since I have put it on display for everyone to see. I certainly can't escape all of my friends and family forever, nor would I want to. Yet while sitting down to write today's post I knew I did not want to write about how I was feeling. I definitely need a break from feeling. So it made me start thinking about faith, growth and learning. And, how in the midst of my crisis I have somehow lost my time of spiritual education and reflection. Where did that time go? It seems that I have somehow assured myself that just writing this blog is all of the spirituality I need at night. No wonder why I have been feeling a bit spiritually uninspired lately. Just because bible study is over and I spend most of my time at night anxious about life does not mean I get to ignore what I need the most right now. So last night I got back into it. I got out my journal, took notes on all of the devotions I missed, re-read and jotted down my favorite parts from sermon notes and caught up on a devotional for moms. I feel good. It's easy to get caught up in life but we need to push ourselves to keep growing and learning, especially in faith. You probably do not have a lot of alone time for this, but it might be as simple as reading one page a day in a book. So get to it!

Day 143 - The process

Yesterday's sermon at church was about parenting, but there was one specific point that I couldn't help but feel like it was written for my life right now.

Don't give up... hang on. The process doesn't always look like progress.

"God began the good work within you, and will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again." - Philippians 1:6

I needed to hear that.

I also wanted to say that by me sharing our troubles right now, is not me wanting anything from anyone or wanting you to feel sorry for us. Just the opposite. I want you to see how I can use faith as a way to survive this part of our life.

Please don't forget to pray for Jessie, her MRI is this week. Please pray that her tumor has disappeared and for her and her family's nervousness and anticipation to be replaced with peace while they wait for results. I cannot begin to imagine how they must be feeling.

Day 142 - A lot

Over the last 6 months we have been living on faith & savings, but as of now we are living completely on faith and nothing else. This last week has been really emotional and exhausting for us, realizing that we have gotten to the place we never thought we would get to. The place where the unemployment checks alone do not come close to matching what we need to sustain. I just keep wondering how we got here. How a middle class family with two jobs and a large income can get to a place where there is nothing to show? Where every dime of savings we have saved since the day we got married is gone? It's as if our old life officially does not exist anymore. The hardest part is that there is no reason. We didn't gamble our savings, or lose it in a bad financial decision; we just lost our jobs and are living in a time where there is financial distress. We can't point fingers or blame each other, we just have to deal with it and keep trying our hardest to turn it around.

I have been crying a lot lately. My tears have expressed every emotion possible, sadness, frustration, gratitude, surprise and so many others. Yesterday I was crying thinking about how I have lived a life of privilege, having everything I needed at all times. In fact, I always was able to give to others, never needing to really accept anything for myself. Wow, I have lived thirty-one years like that. I am so thankful for my parents, for taking care of me and always providing me with everything I needed (and they still do above and beyond.....at all times).

This week has been a week in our life that I will never forget for as long as I live. Mark and I have had to look at what is the most important and bare minimum for our family. We have had to make decisions and look at future possibilities that we never really worried about before. I have become thankful for things that never occurred to me, like having parents who have a roof over their heads and want to help us if we need it. Understanding that your parents, at any age, will give up whatever they need to for you, reminds you of the love that they have for you and how lucky you are.

I am also reminded that you can never out-give God. I have really been trying to protect exactly what we are going through on this blog, mostly because it's not just my life, but it's the life of my husband and kids and I have a duty to protect their feelings too. So I have been living in a world where I skim the surface and try and dive down on certain topics, but I am very careful of hitting the bottom. Things have just been happening and I am at a place where I need to give you more because this blog is about real faith and right now, that's all I have. Even though we have nothing left in savings, God has been providing for us in some humbling ways. I touched upon the fact that we have had some generosity come upon us this week. On Monday a sweet friend dropped of a "birthday gift" with a gift card wanting to help us. I was touched. I went to the mail on Tuesday and a very old friend sent us a very large gift card to help us with groceries and other needed items. I was in tears and beyond overwhelmed, I haven't seen her since junior high, who does that? On Wednesday Mark received a check from some business that he had done, we didn't know it was coming. On Thursday I received a very unexpected email from a dear friend who is sending us a overly generous check because God put it on her heart (tears, tears, tears). Then on Friday, at my doorstep is one of our closest friends with another large gift card. He disguised it as a thank you for Mark helping them with some stuff, but I know better. More crying. After he left I found out that my church would be able to help us with a one-time payment for our health insurance that will last us two more months. I cried again because not one of these people had any idea how bad things are right at this moment. I don't know how you may see all of these things, but to me they are a reminder of the human spirit and the unselfish nature people have. They have all out-given me in any aspect of what I though giving was all about. They all brought me to my knees in gratitude; I have never been in the place to say the most heartfelt thank you I know how. And my gratitude towards God took a full week and some introspective to see, while I was spending my week frustrated with God for putting us here I didn't see the bigger picture. I didn't see that he was out-giving me.

Yesterday morning I drove to my church to pick up some food that my church had told me to get. I didn't really know much about what it was. I got out of my car and walked up to some volunteers who gave me a big box of frozen foods. If I didn't know what it was to be humble, this did it for me. This whole week did it for me. The woman who never accepted help, is accepting food and money from others. In a blink of an eye I went from a working, two-income family with no financial worries to a mom accepting help for my kids. I let go of my pride and humbled myself in a way I never could have understood until yesterday. And yet, in my heart I know how much worse it could be and that alone brings me to tears. I am officially a changed woman. Life has hit me hard, and although I did nothing to deserve it, I am learning a lesson that I never could have learned in any other way. I also learned that true strength is allowing yourself to be humbled for the good of your family, pride becomes just a silly word.

No matter what you have or where you are in life, to think that your life can not drastically change in the blink of an eye is foolish. Be thankful for everything you have, not just the health of your family, but for the food on your table, the ability to have healthy options, the roof over your head and the love of your friends and family. The less I have the more thankful I become for the necessary things in life and for those who surround me. I am thankful for the girlfriends who cheer me up with time away and the parents who give us small luxuries like a day at Disneyland. I am thankful for my children who roll with the changes and still smile no matter what and for a husband who never stops trying. I am thankful that although God has brought me to my knees, I can look around me and see how much I still have compared to so many others.

Today I am thankful that I can share my experience and my faith as a bookmark in our life. It may not be sunshine and rainbows right now but it is exactly where we are.

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." -Isaiah 43:2

"But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you." -Psalm 56:3

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair." - 2 Corinthians 4:8

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." -Philippians 4:6

Day 141 - Jessie

Today's post is dedicated to Jessica Joy Rees. At twelve years old she proves that people of all ages can be faithful, in fact her faith has inspired thousands of people. If you don't know her story or did not see her CBS segment you can go here.

Jessie is fighting an inoperable brain tumor and has endured 61 days of chemotherapy and radiation treatments in hopes that it will be gone. Mostly they are relying on faith and prayers; in fact she has 12,902 Facebook fans to-date. People have been praying for her consistently since they found the tumor on March 3rd.

On Tuesday Jessie will have a MRI to see what has happened with the tumor, of course everyone is praying that it is gone. Let's join them in praying for Jessie and praying that God healed her. I have faith that it is possible.

To stay updated with Jessie you can go to her Facebook page or her website. I will be praying for her, please join me. She is doing so many good things (check out her JoyJars) and I know that she can continue to change lives if God can heal her.

Day 140 - Perfect timing

There are certain times when the presence of God is so apparent, that I cannot see how anyone can deny it. For us right now that presence may not be in the shape of answering our prayers by giving Mark a job, in fact things are continually getting harder instead of better for us. No matter how hard Mark tries or how much I pray for it, our ship is sinking financially, deeper and deeper. But God's presence is still around us doing the things that He wants to happen in our lives right now. He is still providing for us in other ways. Just within the last 5 days, when we have been feeling our lowest, two people have been beyond generous towards us. These things don't happen on their own, people don't just help you out at the same time when you need it the most without you even telling them how tough things are. God orchestrated the whole things with a feeling in their heart and a whisper in their ear. You can call it a coincidence, but it's harder for me to have faith in a coincidence than faith in God. God has perfect timing.

Today I am thankful for the hearts of others and for the ways that God does provide for us, even if it is not the way we want it to be.

Day 139 - Words

Our words are powerful and sometimes we need to let them settle before we declare them as true. So often just a bit of time changes all of the strong emotions we felt just a little while ago and suddenly our words are a little softer and a greater reflection of who we really are. I find that those are the better words to use with others. Words can be a weapon and they can also be a gift. Use them wisely.

"And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!" -James 3:10

Day 138 - People

This was part of my daily devotional yesterday:

"The truth is, to live an emotionally healthy life, we need people in our lives. We need healthy, supportive relationships. We need each other."

I have gone months and months feeling not connected to the daily devotionals, and yet there have been two specific devotionals this week that have solidified what I was thinking. Amazing! Yesterday I posted about how lucky I am to have such astounding people in my life, and the words in the devotional really hit home with me. I can't stress enough how important it is to have healthy, supportive relationships (and you can never have too many). How are you feeling in that department? Really think about the people that surround you and think about whether the words "healthy" and "supportive" describe them. Life is far too hard to navigate by yourself and far too difficult to navigate with people who do not have your best interest at heart.

Day 137 - Lucky

I feel blessed. I may not have much right now, but the way that my parents, sisters, family and friends take care of me and make me feel is worth more than I could ever put a price on. In fact I feel undeserving of the love that they give me because it is that good. It motivates me to do more, be better and to share my love and wealth in the future. I am so lucky.

And to Lisa K, thank you from the bottom of my heart, forever.

Day 136 - My guilt

I have noticed a change in me lately, something I am not familiar with. Being on a budget has made me feel guilty about small pleasures. Even simple things that I never would have thought twice about make me feel undeserving. Case in point, my sweet husband surprised me with a gift card on Mother's Day to get a manicure and pedicure for the wedding we went to. This is a pretty normal practice in my not-so-broke life but this time it felt very indulgent and I felt guilty getting it. I am constantly questioning the things that I am buying for myself, which is barely anything. I am in this very weird place where even getting a gift makes me feel nervous. I think some of it is this blog, I don't want people seeing me buy something and think I am being deceiving (I promise I have gift cards) but I also think God is preparing me for something else. I don't think, I know. I know God is preparing me to have a balance in my life of the good things, the necessary things and the we-don't-need things. I know that when this is done I will have a nice balance of the life I had before and the life I am living now. I won't feel guilty getting a manicure for a special event, but I will learn to say no to the impulse shopping that was my past life. I can't wait to get to that balance; hopefully it will come soon starting with a job for Mark.

Please keep us in your prayers. Mark had an interview last week and another one this week. I am praying that one of them will be the one.

I just want to wish you a wonderful week and say thank you for reading my heart.

Day 135 - A present

I am copying the daily devotional I received in my inbox yesterday, which happened to be my birthday. Could I have possibly had any more of a perfect devotional? It feels like it was written for me.

God's Delay May Be a Test of Your Patience by Rick Warren

If you’re discouraged because of God’s delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is NOT a denial. Just because the answer hasn’t come – YET – that doesn’t mean God isn’t going to answer or that he’s forgotten you or that he doesn’t care about you.

It simply means “not yet!”

Part of becoming spiritually mature is learning the difference between “no” and “not yet,” between a denial and a delay. The Bible tells us, “He who is coming will come and will not delay.” (Hebrews 10:37 NIV)

God’s delay may be a test of your patience. Anybody can be patient once. And, most people can be patient twice. And, a lot of us can be patient three times. So God tests our patience over and over and over.

Why? So he can see how patient you are? No!

He does it so you can see how patient you are. So you’ll know what’s inside you, and you’ll be able to know your level of commitment. God tests you so that you can know he is faithful, even if the answers you seek are delayed.

If you’re discouraged, turn it around by remembering God teaches you patience during delay. Ask him to transform your discouragement into patience.

It was quite a good birthday present, especially since it felt like it was meant for me on my special day.

Day 134 - Love

Today we will be celebrating the marriage of Mark's cousin to a wonderful woman. Of course when I think of a wedding, I think of this bible verse:

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud." - 1 Corinthians 13:4

Sometimes we get so busy we forget how important love really is. As Mark and I are trying to swim against the current in our lives right now I am constantly reminded of how lucky we are to love each other. When times get tough, we plant our feet firmly and get through it together. A wedding is always a good reminder of how it all started.

Day 133 - Back on path

Yesterday's post was a downer, I felt like God had given up on me. I hope you were able to read it because it was honest and raw emotion. I did say that no matter how abandoned I felt that looking at my kids faces while they were sleeping is the only thing that kept me from wanting to scream. After all they are safe, healthy and we are all together. When I break down my life that is the most I could ever ask for.

While still feeling really depressed yesterday morning I met a sweet friend at the park. While we were talking about our lives a mother approached us with her seemingly looking disabled son. I am guessing he was about 4 or 5 years old. She told us that he has a brain tumor and while they were operating on him he had a stroke. Her words to us were, "hold your children tight." Wow. I felt like God slapped me in the face (in a good way) and said, "wake up Amanda, you told me that you could handle anything as long as your kids were safe and healthy." I did tell God that when things started to unravel three years ago. I told Him that I can handle giving up the house and going wherever He wanted to go. Those were my words and I know that yesterday's encounter was God reminding me of that promise I made Him.

And, here I felt like God had left me, yet He made His presence very clear. I told Him I was strong enough to get through anything, so He picked me up, gave me a shake and put me back on path.

Day 132 - Why God?

I'm not going to sugar coat it today, I just want to ask God, "did you forget about us, what else do we need to do to get out of this?" I'm feeling really down, worried, and heartbroken because, let's face it, things are getting further away from getting better. I never in a million years would have thought that our life would be where it is right now. I want to scream, "Why are you still punishing us?"

I know these feeling are just temporary, but yesterday was one of those days that made me question my faith. It made me question everything. The only thing that saves me from a total broken heart from God is that I can look at my babies safe and sound in their beds at night and be thankful for their health, safety and a roof over our heads. I don't know what else to do. I just want to throw my hands up in the air, tell God I give up and curl up in my bed. I feel defeated because we have tried so hard to get through this. I have had enough faith for an army, yet here we are. I feel like God has abandoned me and I haven't felt Him speak to me in awhile.

I just don't know.

My new friend Irma shared this powerful bible verse:

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." - Genesis 50:20

My hope is that I will be reflecting on this verse one day while thinking about this exact moment in time.

Day 131 - Signs

Often I am not very good at obeying. When I was pregnant with my 3rd baby, somewhere around 27 weeks we had to move. I was told to take it easy since I had some minor complications, but if you know my personality, I didn't. I just kept going and going and going because I always believe that I can do it all. I don't like to watch people do things; I would rather just do it myself. I heeded all warnings and believed in my head that I was taking it easy, because had I not been pregnant, I would be doing more. About a week later I passed out at my son's school and was taken to the hospital via ambulance. Not fun. The doctor told me that it is actually not uncommon to pass out around 27 weeks, but I knew I had overdone it. I did too much as usual.

Today I am going on Day 7 of losing my voice. Other than some minor congestion and coughing, I feel fine. Seven days of no voice seems a little extreme to me though. I know I should have been resting my voice all of these days, but of course I didn't. I just tried to yell louder, talk on the phone louder, etc. That is so me. Last night I was exhausted and it hit me, once again God is trying to tell me to slow down. Why is it so hard for me to rest and to listen to advice? What do I feel like is going to happen if I rest, that I will appear weak or the whole world will fall down without me? I know better.

Maybe you don't believe that God is talking to me through a lost voice and maybe you are right. But, the way I see it is that whenever I am on the verge of a breakdown from doing too much, I get sick. Of course it's from being worn down, but these two distinct times I feel like it is so much more. I am just going and going and God knows that the only way he can grab my attention is to do something obvious. So here I am, no voice and all. It's time to slow down a bit and time to realize the world will survive if I am not going full speed.

What is it in your life that God might be saying, "look here?" What signs might you be ignoring right now?

Day 130 - Soul

There are many nights that I sit in front of the computer unsure what to write about. After all, I am not a pastor or professional writer, I am just me. Usually I pray about it and see what happens. Sometime I just sit a little longer, but in the end I always have something to write.

In church on Sunday the topic of tending to your own soul came up. It is so easy to get lost in your life and your family that you forget to take care of and develop who you are. Tending your soul can be as simple as signing up for sewing lessons or finding time to sit in a bath with a book. Or tending your soul can be something huge like going back to school, giving yourself time to evaluate your life, or making a major change. Part of tending your soul is being honest about your own happiness and who you have become. It requires change, honesty and motivation and allows you to be kind to yourself and love who you are. It also can be uplifted with prayer and meditation.

Sometimes when I am quiet and I feel like I have nothing to say, my soul speaks to me. I never ignore it; I just put my fingertips on the keyboard and let them go. It took this blog for me to realize how intertwined having faith and tending your soul are. It is so much easier to have faith in God and yourself when your soul sits right up at your heart. I feel more open and more accepting of the blind chances I take with my faith. My soul is at peace and that is what helps me get through the days when I am most worried about our future. It's funny that simple things like an art class or a book can help that transformation, but making sure I care enough about who I am really does.

Day 129 - I have faith in you

Nothing new to report my friends. Mark has been working tirelessly to find a job, yet there is nothing. Yes, there have been interviews and prospects but companies are kind of going crazy right now and either deciding not to hire at all or taking their sweet time choosing someone. I can't explain the toll it's taking, but it is bananas. My hubby is an educated, mid-thirties man, with a stellar resume, great background and has never had to look more than two weeks to get a job. Yet here we are. No matter how strong your faith is; life is not easy. In fact, life can be downright depressing and heartbreaking.

Over the past few weeks I have gotten an overwhelming amount of good and bad news from friends and family. A lot more tears than usual. It seems like everyone is in some sort of crisis right now and it breaks my heart to see it and not be able to fix it. Even those with good news are entering some sort of huge life changing event. Nothing right now is for the weary.

It takes a lot of faith to get through life. Faith that everything has a purpose and that God intends to do good, not harm. Sure, He may put us in a time out, but he still has the grace after we have sinned to bless us substantially. Or, when we are hurting because of something someone has done to us, faith can lift us up and help us either move past it or work our way through it. Otherwise we are walking around in circles, hoping to discover an answer that we will never find. Faith is the answer to the problem. I wish that more people could see that; it changes the pain substantially.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

In my life right now faith keeps me in check by giving me perspective, hope and assurance. I have faith that I can get my family through this, however long it lasts and wherever we are forced to go. I have faith that God will continue to provide us with our basic needs and that this selection in time is meant not to harm us, but to build us up and open our eyes. I also have faith in my marriage, that we will continue to give and take so that when one person is down, the other knows to lift them up, no matter what. Lastly, I have faith that every day when I give you a peek into my soul, that each word is meant to settle into your heart. That you are reading my words for a reason. I guess you can say that I have enough faith in you, to be me. I don't want you walking in circles anymore.

Day 128 - Mother's Day

Today I am thinking about what it means to be a mother. In my heart I cannot think of a more important job. We deliver life into this world and then we spend our own life nurturing and raising that precious being to be an independent adult who will have the ability to go out and change the world on his or her own. We teach, mold, love, forgive and then do it over again the next day. Being a mother is literally a gift and privilege from God. It is also a responsibility. While we spend our time nurturing those little ones (and we continue to do this even when they are grown), we also have to work on ourselves and better who we are so that we can be a living example to them. We have to cultivate our own soul, our marriage and relationships so that our children can see the life God intended us to live. We also need to be human. We need to ask forgiveness for our sins and let our kids see our faults and how we chose to better them. Ironically we need to teach them how to be independent and not to need us, which is so hard since we are nurturing them at the same time. I could go on and on about all of the responsibilities of being a parent and a mother, because it is that important. It is the job that God gave us; he opened our womb. What an amazing miracle and blessing and I intend to try to do the best job that I can, every day.

Day 127- Be

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12

Day 126 - I'm sorry

Of course I often wonder why God is still punishing us financially. It is a natural thought to have. When we were both working we were indulging in our lifestyle. We were saving money, but we were not caring for our money the way that we should have been, we were not watching it close enough and treating it as a blessing. The value of money at that time holds differently than it does right now, for obvious reasons. I know that was the culture at that moment and we are far from alone in that respect. I do feel like we have suffered through the downfalls for a while now and I wonder every day when it will get better and why it's not better yet. Sometimes I worry that it will never get better. That we will struggle like this forever.

Tonight I read this bible verse:

“But if you fail to do this, you will be sinning against the LORD; and you may be sure that your sin will find you out." -Numbers 32:23

It came from part of my bible study and obviously is in context to what we are studying. But it still spoke to me, along with this verse:

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." -1 John 1:9

Over the last 3 years I have done a lot of crying, confessing, begging, and praying to God in prayer. A lot. I have had some very intimate moments of true, soulful, raw, heartfelt conversations. But tonight I wonder how many times did I really apologize for my sins? Deep and truthful acknowledgment that I overspent my boundaries and that I did not see His blessings. It's hard to write that. Sure, I have spent countless hours thanking God for the safety and health of my family, telling God that as long as I have those blessings I can handle anything (and I mean that from the bottom of my heart). But when did I get down on my knees and confess to Him? When did I tell God that I was sorry that I displeased Him? Has He been waiting for that acknowledgment?

I don't have the answers to all of my questions. God uses people in certain situations and I know that I am supposed to be where I am. I also know that I need to confess what I have done. I need to be honest about how we got here. I know that we got stuck in the middle of this economic firestorm that millions of people are in. It's not my fault that the job market is horrendous, but I do have a part in my own life. Tonight is the night I apologize to God for my part. We cannot spend our lives constantly blaming everyone and everything around us.

Day 125 - National Day of Prayer

Today is the National Day of Prayer. Do you know the history of it?

The National Day of Prayer is an annual observance held on the first Thursday of May, inviting people of all faiths to pray for the nation. It was created in 1952 by a joint resolution of the United States Congress, and signed into law by President Harry S. Truman.

Now that the day is almost ever, I am regretting not making a bigger deal of it. Our nation needs prayer right now. We are in so deep and as an individual we often feel like there is nothing we can do. We can pray. We should pray. And, just like how we say that we should honor mothers every day or we should show our love every day, we should have a day similar to Mother's Day and Valentine's Day for faith and prayer. I see that now. Tonight before I go to bed I will say prayers for our country, its leaders and our future. I also vow to make the National Day of Prayer more important in my life from here forward.

Day 124 - My light

Having faith is not just a verb; it's a way of life. It's noticeable. Other people see it in you, even if you don't realize it. I'm talking about faith in yourself, your dreams, spiritual faith, faith in your friends and family and faith in humanity. Faith is powerful. Some people are also terrified of it; they don't want you to believe in something they cannot see. They don't want you to believe in yourself or that people are inherently good. People hate faith of any kind. That breaks my heart, but I figure that the only way to change their hearts is to keep having faith so that they can see the light that shines in you, even in the darkness. No matter what happens next for us, my faith will shine for everyone to see. No matter what happens I still believe in myself, my husband, our life together, the powers of friendships and family members in our lives, and most importantly the powers of God. I may get scared, but I never give up.

Day 123 - In Devastation

Have you read this book Same Kind of Different As Me? It's an amazing true story about the connection between a homeless man, an affluent art dealer and the woman who brought them together, and so much more. The book and its true-life main characters give an amazing explanation and understanding of an important topic that we see all the time. Why does God take home people who are doing such great work on Earth, especially before their time? How often do we hear a story or know someone personally going through an intense battle and we wonder, "why God?" I think about it all the time with little Maddie James who passed a few months ago. I think about the people who are left suffering after and how they are supposed to deal with it. I felt like there were some really amazing quotes in the book that I wanted to share.

"The Word says, God put ever star in the heavens and even give ever one of em a name. If one of em was gon' fall out the sky, that was up to Him, too. Maybe we can't see where it's gon' wind up, but He can."

"There's somethin I learned when I was homeless; Our limitation is God's opportunity. When you get all the way to the end of your rope and there ain't nothin you can do, that's when God takes over."

"I'm just tellin you He sometimes needs to call the good ones home to bring glory to His name."

"....Clearly the bull's eye was God. It was He who ripped a gaping and irreparable hole in my heart. Without a gun or mask, He robbed me of my wife and stole my children's mother and my grandchildren's grandmother. I had trusted Him, and He failed me. How do you forgive that?"

"I remember what C.S. Lewis said of the clash between grief and faith: "The tortures occur," he wrote. "If they are unnecessary, then there is no God, or a bad one. If there is a God, then these tortures are necessary for no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't.""

"The pain of losing Deborah still brings tears. And I cannot mask my profound disappointment that God did not answer yes to our prayers for healing. I think He's okay with that. One of the phrases we evangelicals like to throw around is that Christianity is "not a religion; it's a relationship." I believe that, which is why I know that when my faith was shattered and I raged against Him, He still accepted me. And even though I have penciled a black mark in His column, I can be honest about it. That's what a relationship is all about."

All of that also reminded me of some notes I took recently about being in a devastating situation.

• Faith is not telling God what we want Him to do.
• Have the courage to see the fulfillment of God's promises. It's not going to be less hard if you ignore Him.
• You will be offended by God sometime in your life but you must trust that He is trustworthy.

There is so much pain in life but out of that pain, joy can blossoms into something new and different. You would have to read the whole book to see how it did in their circumstance, but if we can open our eyes we can see it all around us.

Day 122 - Godly Family

So far I have made My Year of Faith mostly about me. Sure, I talk about my husband finding a job or the things I want for my family, but in general this blog is a personal account of my struggles, lessons, triumphs and heart aches from and with faith. Here is what I am thinking about now, how all of my changes are affecting my children. We are doing a series at church called Raising Amazing Kids and today was all about laying a spiritual foundation for your children (at any age). Just the words "Godly Family" had a huge impact on me today. What a powerful choice to make. I have noticed that in these 122 days my kids and I have a sweet and much stronger spiritual connection. They absolutely love church (the baby not so much but he will get there I'm sure), they say the sweetest prayers, I pray with them nightly, they ask me questions, they pray for others on their own, they sing with me to my favorite church band, and they are interested in the things they are learning in Sunday school. Not to say that none of this was happening before, but to see it all blossom in huge blooms of spiritual love is amazing.

I want my kids to be able to survive this crazy world on their own someday. I cannot count the days that I have, so I want to make sure that I provide the foundation that they need. Perhaps it is my greatest responsibility as a parent (my parents did it for me). The only way to do that is to keep going to church, teach them through my actions, keep them balanced and to keep teaching them what I know. And, as I grow, they will grow too. We will grow as a Godly Family.

Just a side note, my hubby whom I love is Catholic. We both love and respect each other's beliefs, but we share some differences in the spiritual department not only secularly but also personally. We have different churches and that is just the way it is. I have been taking the kids to my church by myself for quite awhile now. No big deal for us, Mark is super supportive and has even been going with me lately. I leave that up to him. Don't be afraid to take your kids to church by yourself and certainly don't use that as an excuse not to go. I feel just as much joy and blessings when I take them alone.

Wishing you a wonderful week!

Day 121 - Today

Today I am thankful for the gift of life. I am thankful for every breath that I take from my beating heart. I am thankful for every day that not only I have here on Earth, but that my friends and family have too. Lest we not forget how fragile life is and how each day is truly a gift.