Day 180 - I need to help myself

What gives us faith in ourselves? I am still struggling with losing weight; in fact I am going the opposite way. It's not that I don't know how to eat properly, because I am well schooled on nutrition, but I just can't quite find the will power to get to the place where I need to be. I am not willing to give up what I believe makes me feel better when I am stressed out. My heart hurts with the way I look, in fact I feel downright ashamed of myself, but I am rebelling against everything happening in our lives and I am using food to do it. It's a struggle that I cannot conquer but I know deep down that I want to. And, I need to do it all by myself since I cannot afford my old luxuries like pilates classes to help me get through it. So the question is, what is it that will make me have enough faith in myself to finally lose all the weight I have been putting on? What will it take to believe in myself enough to let go of the emotional eating? How much more weight will I allow myself to put on? I need to figure this out.