Day 156 - Would I?

Yesterday was a hard day for me. On one hand we had been celebrating birthdays since Friday evening and I enjoy celebrating my friends and their children more than anything, but on the other hand I think that life kind of caught up with me when the day was done and I felt sad. I felt really sad. I am not sure exactly what I was crying for, but I can take a guess that it was mostly frustration and mental and emotional exhaustion. Let's face it; I lived a life where I did whatever I wanted. I could throw my own parties and remodel my own house. We had planned that by now we would be living in a bigger house and I would be currently using my MBA and be proud of the career I had built at a young age. I just had this dream. That dream included the house, cars, parties, pilates, teeth whitening, new clothes and feeling good about myself. It included people ooohhhing and ahhhing at how great things were for us. It's just the way I expected things to be. Let's be honest, after awhile it's hard to see so many people living your dream. It's not envy or jealousy, I have learned to let those feelings go and I believe in the power of my own life, but it was just a little bit of heartache, loss and loneliness that had to come out eventually. It came out in tears, some alone time and some sleep.

As I am writing this I can still literally feel the sadness in my chest, but I have had some clarity. If right now I measured my life's worth by my insides (my heart, my soul, my faith and my spirit) I would be living far greater than I would have imagined. This journey I have been on for a few years has tested everything that I had become and I feel like it stripped away all the nonsense and left the most important parts that needed to be worked on. It didn't leave the career or the house, it just left everything inside of me and I have been molded and tested every day. I'm not sure that there has been enough change for people on the outside to see, but within me I am not that person I was. I had my whole world shaken and I have changed, not just once, but over and over again. I am still selfish, boastful and moody, but I appreciate life more and I actively want to be better everyday. I liked my old insides, I had good roots to grow from, but I really like my new insides. I just have this internal clarity that I never would have had otherwise and I still have so much further to go.

So here it is, if I could change it would I give myself back everything that I used to have and give up what I have been given emotionally? Or would I keep going down the path I am on, not knowing if it will get worse or start getting better? Would I give up my new outlook on life, a stronger family, and a deeper sense of appreciation? Never. I know the value of being on a journey, no matter how unpleasant, that is leading you towards your purpose. I wouldn't give up learning to struggle, but understanding how God provides. I wouldn't give up seeing my children flourish in any circumstance or understanding how fortunate we really are. Our struggle as a family is defining us and we are succeeding. We are making it through, in tact and happy. And, my faith? Well I have it. I have the makings for true, honest, raw faith that only comes when you have nothing else to trust in. Yes, my life right now is not part of the plan that we had a few years ago, but this detour will make the whole journey so much sweeter, for my family and myself. It's amazing how valuable faith in yourself, your spouse, your family and God really is. You may not be able to measure its worth like a career or possessions, but it is worthy and it is humbling.