Day 178 - Gloom and real faith

I have such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I feel exhausted from feeling like a burden on others, tired of not being able to have any kind of plan because everything is tied up with Mark getting a job, and just plain old sad. Yet, on the other hand I feel thankful for what we do have, happy for the changes God is making in me and ecstatic to know that people, even in Indonesia (hi Zefanya) read my blog. I am making some amazing human connections that I never would have made and I am happy to pray for and connect with all my friends and readers. My blessings are running over, despite any sadness or tears that I may be shedding.

Yesterday at church our pastor spoke about faith and how real faith shows up most when things are difficult because learning to live by faith requires pain. I am totally relating with that right now. In fact some days I am not sure if I am in a state of depression or just living with stabs of pain from our circumstances; everything seems kind of grey. But, he did say that the difficulties in your life are just like the tide, that the good in your life will go out but it must always come back in too. I feel like that in variations of months, days and minutes. He said that to endure the endurable we must keep our eyes on the invisible and take our eyes off of our problems. We must stop focusing on our circumstances and push through. The real test of faith comes when life is the hardest.

I did some deep reflection on this and here is what I wrote on the corner of my sermon notes:

I am thankful that God set me on this path early instead of waiting for me to figure it all out by myself. He must see something special in me. He stripped me of everything and is giving me a chance to learn what real faith is so that I can be renewed inside.

God is giving me a fighting chance at life and is giving me an outlet to share my life with others. I hope and pray that this alone will sustain me long enough so that I can push through. I may be sensitive, I may cry, but I know that I am a fighter. I know that in my heart all this gloom is meant for good. I have known it all along.

P.S. Happy Birthday Dad!