Day 181 - Lost

I wrote this really special blog post last night and this morning I went to see it and it disappeared. It's gone. I spent so much time editing and changing each word to make it perfect and it's as if it never existed. I have no way to get it all back. I feel like I lost a little bit of my heart because it was such an important message to me. How can it just be gone?

Sometimes, okay often, life just isn't fair but we have to pick ourselves up and try all over again. Hopefully I can write something just as meaningful tonight. Hopefully I can keep those words in my heart forever.

For those wanting a quick update, nothing new has happened. We are about to enter July and almost 7 months of no job. As usual Mark is working hard for prospective jobs and interviewing so we are continuing to keep our fingers crossed and praying for some relief.

Day 180 - I need to help myself

What gives us faith in ourselves? I am still struggling with losing weight; in fact I am going the opposite way. It's not that I don't know how to eat properly, because I am well schooled on nutrition, but I just can't quite find the will power to get to the place where I need to be. I am not willing to give up what I believe makes me feel better when I am stressed out. My heart hurts with the way I look, in fact I feel downright ashamed of myself, but I am rebelling against everything happening in our lives and I am using food to do it. It's a struggle that I cannot conquer but I know deep down that I want to. And, I need to do it all by myself since I cannot afford my old luxuries like pilates classes to help me get through it. So the question is, what is it that will make me have enough faith in myself to finally lose all the weight I have been putting on? What will it take to believe in myself enough to let go of the emotional eating? How much more weight will I allow myself to put on? I need to figure this out.

Day 179- For me

My dad emailed me these verses:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

-Philippians 4:11-13

I feel like the first part is me talking right at this very moment, if I could say exactly how I felt. I feel like the last part is how I will feel, with complete faith and confidence, after this journey is over. I feel like these verses are my story, plucked right out of the bible. It gives me a sense of security and strength. It validates our struggles. It's amazing.

Day 178 - Gloom and real faith

I have such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I feel exhausted from feeling like a burden on others, tired of not being able to have any kind of plan because everything is tied up with Mark getting a job, and just plain old sad. Yet, on the other hand I feel thankful for what we do have, happy for the changes God is making in me and ecstatic to know that people, even in Indonesia (hi Zefanya) read my blog. I am making some amazing human connections that I never would have made and I am happy to pray for and connect with all my friends and readers. My blessings are running over, despite any sadness or tears that I may be shedding.

Yesterday at church our pastor spoke about faith and how real faith shows up most when things are difficult because learning to live by faith requires pain. I am totally relating with that right now. In fact some days I am not sure if I am in a state of depression or just living with stabs of pain from our circumstances; everything seems kind of grey. But, he did say that the difficulties in your life are just like the tide, that the good in your life will go out but it must always come back in too. I feel like that in variations of months, days and minutes. He said that to endure the endurable we must keep our eyes on the invisible and take our eyes off of our problems. We must stop focusing on our circumstances and push through. The real test of faith comes when life is the hardest.

I did some deep reflection on this and here is what I wrote on the corner of my sermon notes:

I am thankful that God set me on this path early instead of waiting for me to figure it all out by myself. He must see something special in me. He stripped me of everything and is giving me a chance to learn what real faith is so that I can be renewed inside.

God is giving me a fighting chance at life and is giving me an outlet to share my life with others. I hope and pray that this alone will sustain me long enough so that I can push through. I may be sensitive, I may cry, but I know that I am a fighter. I know that in my heart all this gloom is meant for good. I have known it all along.

P.S. Happy Birthday Dad!

Day 177 - Working on it

I have a trucker's mouth, not all the time, but when I feel strongly about something or I am really angry. I don't use bad words in front of my kids, well except when it slips out every now and then. It's ugly, I know. I am an adult now and a mother and it's time that I stop with the foul language and become a better example. So that's what I am going to work on, or at least try my best! It's something small that I keep on putting off but it's equally as important to keep my mouth clean and to learn to control my words.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." -Ephesians 4:29

I want my kids to live in a home with as little filth as possible... I didn't see how important that was until now.

Day 176 - A Psalm about people at "the top"

My dad sent me this Psalm recently and I have read it over and over again.

No doubt about it! God is good— good to good people, good to the good-hearted.
But I nearly missed it,
missed seeing his goodness.
I was looking the other way,
looking up to the people
At the top,
envying the wicked who have it made,
Who have nothing to worry about,
not a care in the whole wide world.

Pretentious with arrogance,
they wear the latest fashions in violence,
Pampered and overfed,
decked out in silk bows of silliness.
They jeer, using words to kill;
they bully their way with words.
They're full of hot air,
loudmouths disturbing the peace.
People actually listen to them—can you believe it?
Like thirsty puppies, they lap up their words.

What's going on here? Is God out to lunch?
Nobody's tending the store.
The wicked get by with everything;
they have it made, piling up riches.
I've been stupid to play by the rules;
what has it gotten me?
A long run of bad luck, that's what—
a slap in the face every time I walk out the door.

If I'd have given in and talked like this,
I would have betrayed your dear children.
Still, when I tried to figure it out,
all I got was a splitting headache . . .
Until I entered the sanctuary of God.
Then I saw the whole picture:
The slippery road you've put them on,
with a final crash in a ditch of delusions.
In the blink of an eye, disaster!
A blind curve in the dark, and—nightmare!
We wake up and rub our eyes....Nothing.
There's nothing to them. And there never was.

When I was beleaguered and bitter,
totally consumed by envy,
I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox
in your very presence.
I'm still in your presence,
but you've taken my hand.
You wisely and tenderly lead me,
and then you bless me.

You're all I want in heaven!
You're all I want on earth!
When my skin sags and my bones get brittle,
God is rock-firm and faithful.
Look! Those who left you are falling apart!
Deserters, they'll never be heard from again.
But I'm in the very presence of God—
oh, how refreshing it is!
I've made Lord God my home.
God, I'm telling the world what you do!

-Psalm 73 (The Message)

He sent it in the context of us living in such a wealthy and possession oriented county, which it is. We live in a place where you never look good enough or have enough "things" and you definitely should not talk about what you don't have or pretend to be anything less than perfect. It's sad. I use to try and live up to the status, but it's nearly impossible. Now, I feel like I am rebelling towards it. I still love living here but I want to shout to the world that I am imperfect and (gasp) happier. I learned how to separate myself from the possessions and social status, well because I was stripped of all of it. God made sure of that. I have less conflict in my life and less feeling of inadequacy. You give up on wanting things, when all of the few dollars you have has to go to feeding, clothing and housing your family.

I have also put this Psalm in context with the celebrities that we idolize. We make celebrities out of people like the Kardashians who want more, more, and more. We let them rant on Twitter and people pay attention to what they are saying. We somehow broadcast and glorify a politician's misgivings. Sure, we may not agree but we don't mind blasting it on every cover of every magazine and giving them book deals. We may "look down on them" but we allow them to be celebrities. I don't understand the culture that we live in today. Kids look up to celebrities who do drugs, have babies out of marriage, get divorced often and who have "the most." Tabloids and paparazzi must make God cringe.

It's time for us to take our lives back and stop looking at and envying people "at the top," whether that is in your community or a celebrity. We have to do it for our children.

Day 175 - Let go

It's hard for me to convey all of the emotional pitfalls I have faced over the last few years. God has taught me how to let go of control, lose possessions, give up things that were defining me, lose my routines and how to say goodbye to friends, which is never easy. At the end of last year I watched my best friend move away. That was hard balancing my own sadness and loss of control while trying to not make her move about me. I also felt inept at trying to be there for her emotionally during her transition. It was a big life lesson on so many levels.

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to friends that I love dearly. Not only do I cherish the fact that they have become like family, they are also Madden's godfather (or godfamily). Navigating the feelings of happiness for their new life adventure and my sadness to see them go is a weird place to be in. I just don't like to let go for my own personal and selfish reasons, but I know that my life doesn't just consist of my feelings, but also consists of the feelings and experiences of all the people around me. I also know that true friends have no boundaries or limitations.

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." -Proverbs 18:24

I guess what I am trying to say is that God has taught me how to let go. He didn't just do it once, He keeps doing it over and over again. He has done it with friends, with our house, with control, etc. He has taught me how to open my arms, close my eyes and let free whatever needs to be free. And, he has been teaching me how to be okay with that. I have always struggled in my life with trying to hold on to things tightly, but now.... I let go more freely. It makes me feel freer. It makes life a lot less about me. It makes me realize what is truly valuable, like holding onto friendships wherever they may be.

Day 174 - Where I am right now

Yesterday I went to our church's food pantry to get free food for our family to help alleviate our grocery bill. I sat in a waiting room and doing so I publicly admitted that we need help. I sat among people I had always labeled as "needy." Sometimes I feel like our life is a movie; a place where I never thought we would be. I have so many feelings on the topic, but what I want to say is that you never know where life will take you. We went from lavish vacations to accepting free food from a food pantry. We went from spending hundreds of dollars any day we wanted on clothing, to accepting hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with any of it, but it's a whole different life and it happened just like that. And while I know it all serves a purpose in our life, whether it is to be more humble or to serve others in the future with a greater wisdom and heart, it is what it is and that is where I am living right now. I am not devastated or heartbroken; instead I am just grateful that we have what we have today. Things could be so much worse.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." -Genesis 50:20

Day 173 - Weary

I don't know what's been going on with me lately but I have been completely exhausted in every way possible. Just the past two days alone I was so tired I couldn't even stay up at night to do simple tasks like writing my blogs and returning emails. I needed to take a nap in the day just to get by. This morning I feel like I really need to focus on these bible verses and pray over them for not only my need of feeling rested but also over my unhealthy weight which has been making me feel very down. Sometimes life catches up with us and we cope the best we can.

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and loaded down with burdens, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." -James 4:8

"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." -Jeremiah 31:25

I hope that you can draw some strength today from these verses for whatever you are feeling weary from.

Day 172 - A simple song

I have been singing this song to my daughter at bedtime and I have fallen in love with the words.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

You can even draw strength from a song meant for Cinderella. But let's face it, she had to go through a lot of heartache before her own dreams came true. So hang in there.

Day 171 - Fear

It was always in my nature to be a fearful person and I carried it with me to college, living in our first home and having children. I was mostly scared for the things that could potentially happen; like someone hurting me or something bad happening to someone in my family. At times I let fear paralyze me and take away my joy. I was already fearful for my children's' future and all of the possible situations that they could face. Fear is an interesting place to live in, and I cohabited with it for a long time.

I was surprised when I first read that living in true faith means we are supposed to completely let go of our fear. I was more than surprised, I was shocked. How could someone like me live like that?

"I will fear no evil, for you are with me." - Psalm 23:4

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." -Isaiah 41:13

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6

"The Lord gives me light and saves me. Why should I fear anyone? The Lord is my place of safety. Why should I be afraid?" -Psalm 27:1

"I leave my peace with you. I give my peace to you. I do not give it to you as the world does. Do not let your hearts be troubled. And do not be afraid." - John 14:27

"Casting all your anxiety upon him, because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

"Even when I'm afraid, I keep on trusting you." Psalms 56:3

Over the last 170 days it has been clear that I need to let go of my fear to live a life of faith. It is a topic that has come up over and over again and I can feel myself slowly letting go of the fear that has been gripping me most of my life and living a life with confidence and trust. I can't explain what that feels like, but it's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It also helps us in our financial stress because I don't have to constantly be afraid of the worse case scenario.... I just have to trust. Trust is so much better than fear. Living life is so much better than being stuck in worry and doubt. I don't know what kind of fear you are holding onto, maybe it is fear of living your life to the fullest or letting go of what is comfortable, but true faith requires you to let it go. Just like that.

Day 170 - My Dad

For those of you who don't know me personally, my dad has been my best bud my whole life. I imagine that when I came out of the womb we went straight to lunch at McDonalds, the bookstore and then ran some errands (which was our usual Saturday routine). I grew up with lots of fun and excitement from shopping at the mall to camping and hot air ballooning. I had the best childhood possible and my dad was there every step of the way.

But, besides all of the amazing things that I did and toys that I had, those aren't the most prominent things that I think of when it comes to my dad. My dad ALWAYS encouraged me, guided me, lived by example, listened, was available, let me make my own decisions, put my needs first, supported my decisions, cheered me on, forgave me and loved me unconditionally. He NEVER apologized for my weaknesses, coddled me too much, pushed me too hard, abandoned me, criticized me or ignored me. When depression entered my life at 17 years old he didn't run out of fear or make excuses, he listened and he let me get the help I needed, even though he had to hear some uncomfortable things. And, as I grew older he let me share so many issues with him without judgment. When I went to college, he called me almost every day on my time, not his. And still to this day I can call him and no matter where he is or what he is doing, he will pick up the phone and talk, big business meeting and all. My dad is amazing and knowing all of those characteristics above makes me strive to be a better person. He has given up a lot of his life, so that I could thrive.

On a day like Father's Day I think about how lucky I am to have such an amazing earthly father. How lucky I am to learn about God and living a Christian life through him. It makes it so much easier to believe in a Heavenly Father when you understand what unconditional love from your own father is. My dad is my rock and my best friend. I can only hope that I can give my children the kind of foundation that he has given me and become the kind of friend and role model as he has been to so many people in his life. I know that today can be hard for so many and that you may not have had a father like mine, but you do have a Heavenly Father who loves you unconditionally and who can help you be the kind of person and parent my dad has been. Living a life of faith and servitude allows us to be more than we could ever imagine. I can only hope to be partly as amazing and touch as many lives as my dad has.

Happy Father's Day Daddy, I love you.

Day 169 - Simple reminder of what faith is

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." - Hebrews 11:1

Day 168 - In due season

The weeks just keep flying by and often I find myself saying, "really God, still no turnaround for us yet?" Those are the times that I doubt my faith for a split second and think that maybe it will be like this forever. I stop believing that anything is possible and I start thinking that maybe I will never be the somebody that I yearn to be. And then usually I come across a bible verse, written words or a devotion that turns me around and wakes me up. Here is what turned me around this week:

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." - Galatians 6:9

The words "do not lose heart" really speak to me and give me the fire to keep moving forward and believing that it can all turn around and that it will turn around for us.... in due season.

Day 167 - Go there

This blog is a blessing to me in so many ways. It is an outlet for all of my feelings and emotions, it gives me a voice to reach others, it has matured my faith and it has opened up my life to new relationships and strengthened existing ones. How amazing for me. You have no idea how lucky I feel. While I let you into my life, many of you have in turn let me into yours, even if it's not bright and shiny. You have shared your heart with me and trusted me enough to share some deeply personal issues. It proves that sometimes when we open ourselves up and go to a place of being vulnerable and honest that the reward can be a human connection. That is a real gift. I imagine this is the way God created us to be. So I am urging you to open up. Find a place that is safe for you and people whom you trust and be honest with them. Let down your guard and be real. What can come from that place of honesty can define and change your own life, even if you are living in a place that seems to cater to the socially affluent like me. A place where most of the things we see and the people we watch are just an illusion for a happy life. But, breaking away from being a part of that illusion is like freedom; you just have to take yourself there. I am so glad I did because it brought me you.

Day 166 - Home

For some reason today I am mourning the loss of owning my own home. It's not really the owning part that is eating at me, it's the having a space that I love and can make my own part. It is also the feeling that I am now so far away from being in that home that could easily be the home we live in forever. It's like the dream I had just keeps slipping away more and more, like so many dreams that I had before. I feel unsettled.

Sometimes I wish I could have at least chosen this journey that I am on instead of being forced into it. I wish that at a time like this I could say to myself, "this is the leap of faith that you took to get to your dream, you knew it could be like this!" But I can't. I do have to say though, the more I keep saying all of this, the more I feel like I am throwing myself a pity party. So I am just going to stop right here. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I am good. In fact I feel very blessed. I realize that we may be in this situation, but because of God's blessings and the blessings of friends and family, our refrigerator and our closets are full. I am so lucky. It could be so much worse.

So today I am going to take it one day at a time. I am not going to worry about the future, but be optimistic and hopeful instead. I am going to believe that anything is possible and time is in God's hand. Yes, He can take away but He can also give us so much, and He can do it in a blink of an eye. I am going to be faithful, praying for what we need immediately and then praying for what I yearn for but also be grateful for what I have. God already knows my heart.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10

Day 165 - Perspective

In church it was mentioned that when you get discouraged you tend to lose your perspective. I feel like I have been a bit discouraged and a lot distracted lately. I was in this great place, mapping out what I wanted to do with my life and where I thought God was pointing me and then I just let it fall to the wayside. I know that we tend to do that. We constantly try to take care of the daily needs and the bustle of every day life first instead of working on our own purpose and passions.

I read this in a book last night, "Most people don't think in terms of minutes," says Alan Lakein, president of the only company in America devoted exclusively to time-management. "They waste all the minutes. Nor do they think in terms of their whole life. They operate in the mid-range of hours or days. So they start over again every week, and spend another chunk unrelated to their lifetime goals. They are doing a random walk through life, moving without getting anywhere." from The Gentle Ways of the Beautiful Woman by Anne Ortlund

I feel like I need to stop and center myself again. I need to stop getting lost in our busy life and our circumstances and I need to get busy living, trying and existing. I need to jump back on the path I started on, the path that will make this whole journey make sense. So that is what I am going to do this week. I am going to find time for myself and for God, to figure out where I want to go and how I can get there. It will definitely be time well spent and I know it will keep me focused and less discouraged. It is time to get my perspective back.

Day 164 - A minute or two

I am so tired, mentally and physically. I stay up late to write and wake up early to take care of the kids. Everything in between is just a blur. At the end of the day, every day, I realize that I did not spend enough (or any) alone time with God. I didn't pray, sit in silence or thank Him for everything that He has given me. Sometimes I sneak a few words of gratitude in, but it's never enough. This is my biggest challenge.

So I am going to keep today's post short and take the next few minutes to talk to God, even if it's short and sweet. And, since my posts are usually longer, pretend you are still reading and take a few minutes to talk to Him too.

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." -James 4:8

Day 163 - Make the decision

People tell me all the time how great I am doing and how good my attitude is despite our circumstances and I am really proud of that. I am proud of the woman I am becoming. I am proud of the choices I am making. I am the most proud of how much my faith has grown in God and in myself. I am choosing to live a different kind of life and even though I have a long way to go, I want to get there. But, never take my attitude as any thing other than that I am trying. That's all this blog is, me trying every day to have faith, no matter what the day brings. Do I succeed every day? No. I have doubts, I have a lot of fears and I have a lot of sadness. I doubt my faith when things seem unbearable and I am constantly afraid that things will get worse and never get better. I cry a lot out of frustration and sorrow, but then the clouds usually part and I center myself again and I get back into the game. I make the decision every day to have faith that this is all part of the plan. I make the decision to have faith every time an extra curveball is thrown at us. That is what faith is, it's the decision to believe, hope and trust that every day is in the details of God's plan and to fight hard for it. It takes you and God to get there. So the next time the clouds cover your sunshine, make the decision to have faith that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and I will be doing the same thing. Just don't give up.

Day 162 - A gift that we hold

It is a hard lesson to learn that even when we feel neglected, excluded, lonely or even angry we are supposed to serve others. It is our job to seek people out, encourage them, help them and be patient with them.

“Encourage anyone who feels left out, help all who are weak, and be patient with everyone.” 1 Thessalonians 5:14 (CEV)

I love that the devotion I read yesterday said that small acts like a note, taking someone to lunch or an encouraging word could have the power to change lives. That is so true. Not only can it change the person you are blessing but your own life as well. And, although it is easy to bless the people we want to bless, we should also seek out someone else we think may feel neglected or is hurting and give him or her encouragement. It could be someone at work or down the street. We really have the power to make other peoples' lives better... really think about that. It is an amazing gift that you hold inside of you. I intend to start using my gift more often.

Day 161 - Still moving forward

Having faith and learning to trust in your faith really changes your life. You know when you are already in a really difficult situation and you feel like you have a grasp of that situation and then suddenly something unexpected hits you from left field and shakes things up? That happened today. A big extra question mark hit us. It is something that I have no control over but something that could totally disrupt the foundation of our current problem. I wish I could elaborate on it more, but I can't (it's not life threatening or anything like that). What I can say is that a few years ago something like this would have taken me over the edge. The extra circumstance always kind of topples us over, doesn't it? Just the not knowing or the no control would have caused me anxiety and daily panic. And, while I am a little anxious about it I have learned over and over again that God always has plans in motion and while it may seem like a possible catastrophe or disappointment, it is most likely a blessing in disguise. You just don't know and what I have learned is that you just have to keep moving forward and trust that it is part of the process. You have to put it at arms length and tell yourself to accept whatever happens. And that is what I am doing. I am letting it go and I am just moving forward like I was doing the day before and the day before that. I will not try and control the things I have no control over and I will not let something unknown control me. I have faith that God is working in my life to lift me up, not to take me down. I have faith in His process and in my ability to not be distracted.

"Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all that He has done." -Phil. 4:6

Day 160 - Friendship

Tonight I realized that when you feel like you have lost a little bit of your own hope, often you can find it in the eyes of a friend. I did.

Day 159 - Blessings

People have poured far more blessings on us over these last few months than I have ever given over my entire lifetime. In fact, I don't think I ever understood what a true blessing was until I received them myself. The blessings I have given to others have usually been convenient, affordable and easy. I tried hard and did my best, but I now understand how much more I could have done and for so many more people. I am so fortunate that I can start now. When we get back on our feet I will not only pour blessings on other people, but I will do them in honor of all the people who have been blessings us when we were down. I will never treat our money the same way as I did before and there will always be enough to bless someone with. The generosity we have been shown will be passed forward for as long as I live.

Just a few weeks ago I read an inspiring true-story book called What Difference Do It Make: Stories of Hope and Healing. This book was the successor to another great book Same Kind of Different As Me. Both of these books are amazing (read them if you can) and they touch upon homelessness (as well as a bunch of other issues). I loved a few quotes that I found about blessings:

"Helping someone is when you find out how to help them move toward wholeness and then you hang with them until they make the change."

"I was sho'enough happy to hear that story 'cause it shows that even if you bless some needy person just a little bit, God might use other folks down the line to weave your little gift into a bigger blessin. And if you bless folks, you gon' get the blessin back, no matter what they does with the money. So you give the gift with no strings attached, and let God take care a'business on the other end."

"But after the homeless began to bless me much more than I blessed them, after my heart started to warm to the task, I realized that God didn't command us to love only for the sake of others but for our own sakes as well."

These books really opened my eyes to the fact that we often decided if or how we will bless someone based on what we think they will do with the money. It was really life changing for me to read that in fact maybe it isn't our business what someone does with the blessing that we give them; it is our job to give it and let God do the rest. That we need to give gifts with no strings attached. That maybe the homeless man we give $20 to will take it to the bar, but (as in the example in the book), maybe something at that bar will change his life. I think about this every time someone blesses us with something. I am shocked that they trust me enough with their blessing, but then again maybe they already practice what I am learning. It's all just so eye opening and humbling.

And so, to all of the people who have blessed us with love and generosity, I promise that I will live a life blessing others because of you. You have taught me what true blessings are. In my own words they are acts of love, sacrifice and generosity that are done with nothing expected in return. And, for the belief that you cannot out-give God, our story of His fruitful blessings is the perfect example of that.

(We have received two extraordinary blessings over the last few days, and for those acts of love and to those who gave them to us, we are forever grateful).

Day 158 - Hope lost

I need some hope right about now. It's not that I don't have any; it's just that it keeps getting kicked around a bit. When I am the most hopeful, something happens and it flies out the window. We are exhausted, frustrated and discouraged.

My hope may be flickering, however my gratitude is far from dim. I have had a bunch of blessings and a lot of support over the last few days. I have received wonderful comments, sweet text messages, amazing emails, and great bible verses and quotes full of encouragement and love. I have received a generous gift card from an amazing woman and her sweet husband, groceries from friends and cute hand-me-downs. There have been bountiful blessings and I am so thankful for all of them. The words, the acts of love, the time taken to email me have all changed my life. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

A friend sent me a link to a song and this last verse was my favorite part:

"And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise"

-from Blessings by Laura Story

Our hope may be lost but I know it will be back. It never strays from me for too long. We have faced so many situations that had continual disappointment, so we still have faith that it will turn out well for us. I just pray that things will get better soon. We really need soon.

Day 157 - Shoes

Since December, God has continued to provide us with our basic needs with perfect timing. My favorite example of this is through kids' shoes. Let's face it, we may not think about it, but shoes are a very basic necessity. They wear out fast, especially on kids feet, and my kids definitely play hard. For Christmas my sweet friend gifted each of my kids with a brand new pair of shoes. Sure, Mark had been unemployed for 22 days, but we didn't quite see at the time how important shoes would become. God knew though, and those shoes were a blessing that would get us through the first part of our journey.

Right when my youngest started to outgrow the first shoes, another dear friend just happened to buy him a new pair, just because her grandsons had them and she wanted us to try that brand. Perfect timing. Well, his feet kept growing and after a few more months, we found ourselves stuffing his feet into any shoe we could find in our house. Right then another lovely friend tells me that she has pair of brand new shoes that were too big for her son and they would be out of season by the time her son grew into them, and so they were delivered to us in perfect timing once again and with room to grow. Amazing!

Before Mark was laid off a friend had given us all of her son's hand-me-down shoes for my oldest son and they were all in perfect condition. My son started to wear some of the casual shoes, but we left the big bag with the rest in the garage. When baseball season rolled around and we realized we didn't have cleats, we went to the bag, and there they were, the perfect sized cleats waiting for us. Perfect timing again. And, the most recent shoe blessing? I happened to randomly be in touch with an old friend a few weeks back and she let us borrow a dress for my daughter for a wedding rehearsal. When I went to pick it up she gave me a little bag with some hand me downs. It was mostly clothes, but there was a pair of pink and white Nike shoes. When I opened the bag I didn't really know what I would use them for so I put them aside. Fast-forward to last week when I got an email from the soccer league my daughter is in. The email stated that the kids would not be wearing cleats, but would instead need athletic shoes. Can you imagine my smile when I realized that we had athletic shoes and in her size? Perfect timing once more.

It is my dear friends that provide us so generously with these shoes, and it's also God's timing that makes them a blessing. A month or two in the wrong direction and all of these shoes would have been either too big or too small. I am so thankful that God cares enough for my family to make sure that even our feet are taken care of. That he cares enough to give us what we need before we even need it. It may not seem like much, but these shoes are true blessings in our lives right now. Today, I am thankful to be loved by God and by all of our friends who continue to keep us in their hearts and prayers.

P.S. Thank you G & T, B, B, C & P for the shoes. You blessed us tremendously!

Day 156 - Would I?

Yesterday was a hard day for me. On one hand we had been celebrating birthdays since Friday evening and I enjoy celebrating my friends and their children more than anything, but on the other hand I think that life kind of caught up with me when the day was done and I felt sad. I felt really sad. I am not sure exactly what I was crying for, but I can take a guess that it was mostly frustration and mental and emotional exhaustion. Let's face it; I lived a life where I did whatever I wanted. I could throw my own parties and remodel my own house. We had planned that by now we would be living in a bigger house and I would be currently using my MBA and be proud of the career I had built at a young age. I just had this dream. That dream included the house, cars, parties, pilates, teeth whitening, new clothes and feeling good about myself. It included people ooohhhing and ahhhing at how great things were for us. It's just the way I expected things to be. Let's be honest, after awhile it's hard to see so many people living your dream. It's not envy or jealousy, I have learned to let those feelings go and I believe in the power of my own life, but it was just a little bit of heartache, loss and loneliness that had to come out eventually. It came out in tears, some alone time and some sleep.

As I am writing this I can still literally feel the sadness in my chest, but I have had some clarity. If right now I measured my life's worth by my insides (my heart, my soul, my faith and my spirit) I would be living far greater than I would have imagined. This journey I have been on for a few years has tested everything that I had become and I feel like it stripped away all the nonsense and left the most important parts that needed to be worked on. It didn't leave the career or the house, it just left everything inside of me and I have been molded and tested every day. I'm not sure that there has been enough change for people on the outside to see, but within me I am not that person I was. I had my whole world shaken and I have changed, not just once, but over and over again. I am still selfish, boastful and moody, but I appreciate life more and I actively want to be better everyday. I liked my old insides, I had good roots to grow from, but I really like my new insides. I just have this internal clarity that I never would have had otherwise and I still have so much further to go.

So here it is, if I could change it would I give myself back everything that I used to have and give up what I have been given emotionally? Or would I keep going down the path I am on, not knowing if it will get worse or start getting better? Would I give up my new outlook on life, a stronger family, and a deeper sense of appreciation? Never. I know the value of being on a journey, no matter how unpleasant, that is leading you towards your purpose. I wouldn't give up learning to struggle, but understanding how God provides. I wouldn't give up seeing my children flourish in any circumstance or understanding how fortunate we really are. Our struggle as a family is defining us and we are succeeding. We are making it through, in tact and happy. And, my faith? Well I have it. I have the makings for true, honest, raw faith that only comes when you have nothing else to trust in. Yes, my life right now is not part of the plan that we had a few years ago, but this detour will make the whole journey so much sweeter, for my family and myself. It's amazing how valuable faith in yourself, your spouse, your family and God really is. You may not be able to measure its worth like a career or possessions, but it is worthy and it is humbling.

Day 155 - Opportunities

Please pray for us over the weekend! Mark is advancing in the interview process with a great company. Whether or not he gets the job, it's a good sign. He has had a lot of interviews lately, which is amazing, especially since he is working his tail off talking to recruiters and applying for positions. Hard work is paying off, so we are hopeful that something will happen soon and hopefully in the nick of time so we can stay in our place.

I have to say that living in Orange County I have always felt like I deserved any opportunity that I have received, but now I understand what a blessing any opportunity is. Whether it is an opportunity to interview for a job, an opportunity to try to get into a good school, an opportunity to meet a new friend, or just any opportunity that life presents us. So few people are giving any opportunities these days and we should be thankful for the ones that we are presented with. I am.

Day 154 - Text Message

If God had text messaging, this is the verse I think he would text me today:

"Be joyful because you have hope. Be patient when trouble comes, and pray at all times." -Romans 12:12 (NCV)

Day 153 - I need more faith

Tomorrow will be exactly six months from when Mark was laid off. Can you believe it? I never would have believed it three years ago when we were fighting to learn to live on one income, that one day we would go six months without any income. What a long journey we have been on. I have to tell you something though; I have more peace inside of me right now than I ever could have imagined. I have more trust in myself and more confidence in my decisions. I guess having to make really hard choices for your family builds your inner voice. I am genuinely happier because I savor the sweeter things in life and I feel like my little family is closer and stronger than ever, especially my marriage. I also understand the definition of true friendship; the people who stick with you even though it may not be the most fun place to be. I am growing into the woman God created me to be, no doubt. Faith has carried me through these last six months by presenting itself in the word of God and by showing me what it means to walk towards the path that was created for me.

While all of those things are so amazing I have to admit that I am still broken. I have this amazing peace in my soul but I am battling my physical self constantly. I may not feel completely stressed every second, but I am eating any anxiety that I have away, literally. My body is taking the brunt of my stress. I rationalize that it is okay to eat, eat, eat because I need to fill the void that this situation has left in me. I am using food to drown out my sorrow. It is really embarrassing and I can feel every pound I have put on weighing myself down. Why have I have surrendered everything to God, except for this?

God is surely not done with me yet. I pray mightily that Mark will get a job as soon as possible so that we can protect what we have left. I also pray that He will continue to work in me and now use my faith to help me get through this other obstacle in my life. I know that I need to surrender it to Him and pray daily that He will give me the strength to make better food decisions. I need to believe that I can conquer this too. I need to prove that faith can help me get through anything, faith in God and faith in myself.

Day 152 - Luxuries

This week we made more financial changes such as going to very basic cable, downgrading our phone and eating more frozen foods that are less expensive. Our main goal is to be able to stay in our house and pay the rent so we are just working towards that and giving up whatever we can. We made a lot of financial changes over the years like renting smaller, getting rid of the housecleaner, downgrading all of our services, cutting back all spending but now we are down to the bare bones until Mark gets a job. It's funny how shell-shocked I am at the bare bones. As of yesterday we no longer have caller ID, digital voicemail, the DVR, and kids stations like Nickelodeon and Disney Channel. I'm not sure I really understood how luxurious technology has become, how special it was that we could use the DVR to record our favorite shows and have a long list of channels to watch. I loved having caller ID so I could see who was calling and never having to worry about missing a call or being able to see who is on the other line. I have to admit that the television part is pretty hard to explain to the kids, but I have lots of DVD's and we all know that life without TV is better for them anyways. Still it's hard to have to let go of things that they care about.

The food part has taken me the longest to get use to. There is nothing nutritious in frozen foods but lets face it, they are cheaper. We received a lot of frozen food from the outreach program last month and we bought some stuff with our gift card at Costco last week. I am saving our grocery money and our other gift card for fresh fruit, veggies and healthy snacks for the kids. It's just too expensive to make individual meals every night and I need to make our money last longer so I will be doing basic meals and frozen meals for a while. You know what, that is fine. I need to be okay with that because in the scheme of life it's not that big of a deal. When Mark gets a job we can go back to eating the way we used, but until then we will survive.

What a lesson this has been for me. Learning to give up control and not having the things I want. Having to give up things that felt like they were the ordinary every day parts of life, but in reality were luxuries. So now we live like most of America, or in reality much better. I am pretty sure that most of America never had a DVR and organic meals. Yet, we still have a roof over our heads and all of our basic needs are being met. My kids are learning that life doesn't automatically come with the Nickelodeon Channel and that in fact, gasp, we can live without it. And, that although my basic desire it to provide my family with home-cooked meals every night, that we will survive living on what we have and we will come out just as strong, if not stronger than before because we did everything we had to and never gave up.

So hug your DVR today and pick up the phone even if you don't like who the caller ID is saying is on the other line. They really are luxuries.