Day 187 - Our day

Today is one of those days where we had a lot of fun things planned, things we had even paid for months ago, and then my oldest son got sick and everything went out the door. It's frustrating when plans change like that, right? I especially feel frustrated when it's something we have paid for because let's face it, money is a luxury right now and I hate wasting it. I was feeling pretty annoyed this morning.

So here is what I try and remind myself over and over again when things feel like they are falling a part or when life seems a little unfair. Perhaps there is a very good reason why God kept us home today. We all know these kinds of stories and they happen all the time. God needed us to stay home to keep our car off the street, keep my son out of the heat, keep us away from another person or who knows why. In a frustrating situation (like extra traffic, lost car keys, cancelled plans, etc.) we need to know that there is probably a very good reason why it is happening at that exact moment. There are so many blessings happening in our lives, blessings that we will never know happened but we have to trust and have faith that even an unpleasant circumstance may be a blessing in disguise. That is the way I am looking at today.

Day 186 - Mark's day

Today is my hubby's birthday and he told me he didn't want a huge post all about him. Instead I am posting two bible verses that I put his name next to in the margins of my notes.

"Finish what you started a year ago... for you were the first to begin doing something about it! Now you should carry this project through to completion just as enthusiastically as you began it. Give whatever you can accordingly to what you have!" - 2 Corinthians 8:10-11

I think it is human nature to not finish things that we start. We say we are going to do something, but often we just don't get there. Mark always gets there. When he starts something he does it with tenacity and pride. I admire this about him; every project gets finished and it gets finished well. He's just that kind of guy! Imagine if we were all gifted like this.

"So don't throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It's still a sure thing! But you need to stick it out, staying with God's plan so you'll be there for the promised completion." -Hebrews 10:35-36

Like I said my husband knows how to keep moving forward, even when he feels like giving up. He sticks things out without making rash decisions and he keeps reaching for the finish line. I see it in him every day. He never gives up, even on people. His perseverance is definitely one of his best qualities. Imagine how God would smile down on us if we were more like Mark, finishing the work He started in us. Mark may not see it, but God made him like a warrior... the kind that you want to go into battle with because he will fight until the end. I feel like I need so much more of that in my own battles.

I love you Mark and Happy Birthday!

Day 185 - Gratitude

Today is the day where I will rest my mind, enjoy my family and be thankful for every second I get to be with them. I will also reflect on my gratitude for my personal freedom, for those who have protected it, and that I am able to live in a place where I can have religious freedom. We are so fortunate.

Day 184 - A long week

This has been a really weird week for me because it was kind of themed to be all about myself. I struggled a lot this week with my appearance and all of the shame and the feelings that come with that struggle. I just felt bad about myself in the worst way. It was depressing. But then I had some amazing people do some really special things for me out of the blue that totally lifted me up. They were thoughtful little luxuries that cannot be shared with my kids or hubby. They were definitely God sent (thanks R&L and M) and of course in perfect timing. I ended the week being sick which forced me to rest and not think about food and my body for two days and then not surprisingly at church the message spoke directly to me about winning your internal battle. God really does have a hand in your life when you are struggling the most. I asked and I received.

I just want to share what spoke to me at church today. Our internal battles are filled with confusion, guilt, shame, compulsions, addictions, self-condemnation, frustration, discouragement and despair. I literally felt every one of those emotions this week in my battle with my physical appearance. I tried to have will power, but I couldn't do it on my own and Pastor Rick says that we can't do it on our own, that will power doesn't work because it is only short term. The way to be victorious is to deepen our understanding of Christ, detect and disarm the lies we believe and share our struggles with others. Meaning we have to trust that God can get us through it, we have to be honest with ourselves and admit we have a problem by confessing our sin and then we need to find someone to share our struggle with. We cannot fight whatever our internal battle is alone, whether it's food, alcohol or whatever is bearing down on your life.

I know I am not the only one in a painful struggle right now. Know that you are not alone and that you cannot do it alone! But, you can be victorious over yourself. Right before I got sick I told God that I cannot conquer my eating and my weight all by myself and that I need His help. I know that He will help me get to a better place where I can fight for my happiness again. I hope you can get there too.

Day 183 - Half way

If my calculations are correct, I am exactly half way through My Year of Faith. On one hand I feel like this has been the longest 183 days ever, yet if I take finances out of the equation we have had a really great 183 days full of happiness, love and growth. Life has been ticking on just as it is supposed to and even though we worry about money our family, especially my children, are growing like weeds and thriving. We haven't missed out on any milestones or important events because of our finances. That thought alone makes me feel more blessed than ever. Our marriage is intact and my own eyes have been opened in ways that would normally take much longer. My family, friends and readers have given me a new understanding of life and what it is to give to others and I have had some experiences and emotions that I never could have possibly felt if we weren't facing these particular struggles. Our future rests on uncertainty but I feel reassured that if God can get us this far, then He can take us the rest of the way. He can lift us up until Mark finds a full-time job and He can lift us up until we can get to a place where we feel stable and normal again. He has provided for us in ways I never could have imagined and every time I tell Him that there is no place for money to come from, He shows me how little faith that I have. Now 183 days later, I do have faith that we will get there.

I am always asked what I will do with this blog when Mark gets a job and if the year isn't up. I know that Mark being employed will not fix everything right away and I also know that I have so much to learn about faith. I am in such a learning stage and I am enough of a realistic to know that there is no quick fix to our struggles right now. In fact, I doubt that the next 182 days will be enough to feel that My Year of Faith is complete. I am struggling in so many different areas of my life.

So today I want to thank you for reading, encouraging me, sharing and just being at the other end of my words. I hope you will keep up with me for the rest of my journey.

Day 182 - A new me & a better update

I believe that three years ago when God decided to change my life, He knew that with my personality He would have to do it slowly. There is one part of my life that I am starting to be able to look in the rearview mirror and put all the pieces together to see God's work in me. His very slow work in me. I have mentioned this previously, but before I was laid off I was a working mom to the bone. Not only did I believe that with all of my heart but I also told anyone who asked that I would never be a stay-at-home mom, ever. I loved feeling successful at juggling both career and baby. I was truly happy. When I was laid off I felt like my identity was ripped away but I had just delivered my second child so I thought I would be able to enjoy time at home for a little while... a little while turned into three years.

About the time that I started to feel depressed about not being able to find a job and I was watching our family take our first financial pitfall, I decided to start my own business. It literally happened overnight and I had a lot of support from my family and friends. Suddenly I had an identity again and I had something that was all mine. It really bridged that empty space in my heart that longed for a career and even though it couldn't provide a career, it provided work and I needed that. God knew that. During this time I was trying to find my place as a full-time mom and it was really uncomfortable for me. It was so uncomfortable that I would never admit that my "job" was now to be a mom, I just didn't feel like that was where I belonged. So I lived in this world where I was a mom during the day and I worked all night and I had a balance of having a purpose of my own while learning how to be a full-time mom.

Very recently God whispered (or maybe yelled) that I needed to stop working for a while to take care of my family. God told me to let go right at a time where I had begun to feel comfortable at being at home. It took three years for me to feel like that. So I didn't kick or scream, I listened and I did what He told me to do. It didn't make sense financially but it made sense in my role as a mother and wife. For three years God had also been teaching me how to let go of things that were important to me, so this was just another thing and I was able to accept it. I am now working and blogging only about seven hours a week total and I don't know what the future holds for my business. I will leave that up to God.

This week I literally woke up with a renewed sense of self. I woke up and realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I am a stay-at-home mother and I am good at it. I see that this is also where God intended me to be all along. He let me down gently and then built up my heart to learn to be a different kind of mother. There are no awards to be won or an office to hang my degrees in, but instead I have a home with children to raise to be amazing adults. This job has taken on a whole new meaning for me. My heart is full. Now I am praying that I can continue to stay home and continue to write. My life and my purpose as a mother could not be any more opposite of what I had intended it to be.

I don't know what situation you are in right now but I just want to tell you that it may seem uncomfortable and perhaps the opposite of what you have ever wanted, but that doesn't mean that it can't be wonderful at the end of your journey. Pray often, listen to God's direction and have faith in yourself that you can do anything. Believe that change is necessary and that life will be okay wherever God leads you. He has changed my heart and yet always protected the center of who I am so that I can still be myself. I feel like He has made me a better me.

A better update

I feel like the update I gave yesterday wasn't enough, especially when it comes to what Mark is doing right now. Every day Mark get up and leaves in the morning. He goes to his friend's office and looks for a full-time job as well as some other side things. With all of the stress and disappointment he never gives up. I don't think that I could have the stamina and the strength to look at this situation in the eye like he does and keep fighting every day. Unfortunately he has a wife full of sarcasm and never gets the pat on the back that he deserves, but I am so proud to be his wife and I love him so much. He is our rock and we know that he will always take care of us no matter what. We are so lucky.