Day 97 - Updates

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like anything is going to pan out from the interviews Mark had last week. It's definitely disheartening, but you become numb to it and disappointment almost becomes expected. Nothing ever came from the possible job lead for me either, which is fine. We are on week 18 of Mark being unemployed, which equates to 125 days and a little over 4 months. It doesn't seem like a lot in numbers, but it feels painfully long in my heart. We really need Mark to get a job so that we can land back on our feet a bit. But, I have to say that by God's grace we are surviving and he has provided for all of our needs (and a little extra).

The hard times we have fallen upon over the last few years has completely grown my faith an infinite amount, which in turn has really changed the way things are in our home. Had this been a few years prior I would be riddled with fear and worry right now and Mark and I would be fighting constantly from it. There is a real peace in our lives, maybe it's because we have seen how God keeps saving us when we think there is nothing left or no hope. There is less, "poor me" and more "lucky us" now. We are not obsessing about the what-ifs and since we understand that nothing is promised, we do not expect a smooth ride. We are still optimistic that things will get better someday and we live each day with as much joy as we can. We are happy.

Faith is not just an action, it is a belief, a feeling in your heart, an understanding, a fighting spirit, it's knowledge and it's peace. Drawing closer to your faith in your time of need provides more comfort and love than you can find anywhere else. It doesn't let you down and it doesn't abandon you, as long as you don't abandon it.

I hope that whatever you are struggling with right now, you can immerse yourself in some sort of faith. That you can let words of wisdom and strength ebb and flow through you so that you can also feel some comfort and peace in your life. There is so much negativity around you that you need something to lift you up and give you hope. If you have questions or need help, email me at elhajs@aol.com so that I can be there for you.

Day 96 - The Lord looks at the heart

I love that I came across this bible verse in my bible study homework today, especially after yesterday's post!

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." -1 Samuel 16:7

For me it was a reminder not to veer off of the path I have started. I have been working so hard to develop my character, my soul, and my faith over these last few years and being completely obsessed with my weight will only distract me. I felt like God was reminding me what is most important to Him right now, not what is most important to me. He likes to do that! I know that I need to treat my body like a temple and I need to work on my health, but it should not be my main and only concern right now. I cannot say that living in Orange County helps this, but I need to remember that God is working in me right now, and whatever is most important to Him should be my number one priority too.

It is so easy to feel pressure to look a certain way and to exude a certain appearance. I feel that pressure every morning just dropping my son off at school or going to the store. It's not easy feeling like you don't quite fit the mold or wondering what else you need to do to appear perfect. It's not just the way you dress it's also cosmetic (plastic surgery, teeth whitening, tanning, etc.). I feel like I am constantly walking a fine line on looking my best and wanting to be my best. Am I alone?

What is saving me is that lately I have felt like God is starting to open the curtains for me a little more. I have been able to catch a small glimpse of what He may have in store for me. It looks overwhelming and downright crazy, but I know in my heart He has been slowly building me up to be ready for whatever the full picture is. I need to stay focused on that.

What about you? Have you let your need for outward approval affect your progress on your inward appearance? Or have you learned to balance both? I'm learning!

Day 95 - More faith and more trust

I have hinted more than once that I have a problem with my eating habits. I cook super healthy at home and our house is stocked with good food (no junk food allowed). Yet I feel entitled to treats, soda and large quantities of food when we go out or if I am having a bad day. Basically I indulge and I try to comfort myself with food (back in the day I did it with shopping). I do it all the time. It's a problem and it has grown worse over the last year with our move, Mark losing his job and the stress with three kids. I have 9 extra pounds on me, which for being 5'2" and never tightening up after my baby, is a lot. I have been ignoring it and ignoring it but finally I have had enough. I am giving it to God because I cannot control myself so I know I need the help of a higher power.

We should not only rely on God and have faith in the areas of our lives that we choose. We need to give it all to God- the heartaches, the stress, the disappointments, the sins and the indulgences. Have enough faith in yourself to face any challenge and then pray about it and keep yourself centered. I know I need to find a balance between my love of food and my health and so I am asking God to help me get there. I cannot go through this struggle alone and if I try, those 9 pounds will turn into 25 pounds with a blink of an eye.

What is it that you are struggling with, but pushing the reality of it away? Maybe it's time to surrender it to God. I know that it won't be easy but I also know that we can do it! I even tied a little string around my wrist to remind me when I want to use food as a comfort to ask God to help get me through it. I told you this is my year of faith and I have faith that I can get through this too. I will keep you updated!

"I can trust Him to help me out, calm me down, fill me with hope and see me through."

Day 94 - Be still

Do you ever get alone time? This weekend my hubby went to a party so I put the kids to bed and I sat on the couch and watched a movie by myself. I had a few hours to rest and think about things. I haven't had that kind of quiet in a long time. It was a time free of distractions; the computer, no Facebook and no connection to anything except a movie and a couch. We all know that quiet time with God is important, but quiet time with yourself is really important too (often God will talk to you in those quiet moments). In just those few hours I was inspired and made decisions about things that had been bothering me. I was able to be introspective and thoughtful. I loved it.

I am encouraging you to have some quiet time every now and then. Time with no agenda or distractions. Time for just you. Time to clear your head of the every day clutter and center yourself again. Time to be still.

Day 93 - Anxiety

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith; and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." - George Muller

Day 92 - I am what I am

"But by the grace of God, I am what I am..." -1 Corinthians 15:10

I have doubted myself, not liked myself and sabotaged myself. My self-esteem has dropped and I have been disappointed. I don't like what I see in the mirror and I often leave places feeling like I made something too much about me. I just haven't been happy with who I am lately.

I know that we all question who we are, what we look like, how we act and what we are doing. I know that everyone feels low self-esteem sometimes and doesn't live up to the expectation of what they think they should be. I know I am not the only one who struggles with being happy with whom they are.

Here is the thing; we need to accept and love ourselves. Only until we understand that God's grace created us, can we care enough about ourselves to take care of who we are. "By the grace of God, I am what I am," and I take comfort in that verse with confidence that it's okay to be me and I am worth fighting for.

Day 91 - I got through it

Yesterday sucked. I am trying to think of a more eloquent word but I can't. It was the kind of day where you know you want it to be over about an hour after you wake up and by the end of the day it actually turns out worse than you imagined. Sick kids, vomit on the couch, important plans cancelled, Gatorade on the rug, crying, whining, no naps, high fever, more whining, lots and lots more crying and not one minute to take a breath. I was so exhausted by the time Mark came home that I fell asleep for an hour and a half after dinner. Obviously it was just a bad day; nothing to be devastated about and everything to still be thankful for, but it was awful in its own rite. I know we have all experienced these days no matter who we are and what we do, unfortunately they are a part of life and they will always sneak up on us and make us say, "hey not fair."

I have to tell you something about today though. I got through it like I never have before. I may have been miserable, but I was calm. I may have been crying on the inside (a lot), but I kept reminding myself it would eventually be over. Instead of trying to do everything, I asked for help. Instead of stretching myself thinner, I gave things up. Instead of taking my frustration out on my hubby, I took a deep breath. Instead of yelling at the kids, I stayed positive (and I laughed a bit too). I actually did not know who I was or why this change had happened, but it made a huge difference. Every little thing made a difference yesterday. The day still sucked (a lot) but at the end of the day, when there was finally some quiet, I felt peace instead of anxiety. I had enough peace that I was okay knowing that today will probably be no better.

I am not taking any personal credit for this or claiming that God struck me down with a miracle. I am attributing it to the difference My Year of Faith has made so far, just 91 days in. I think that everything I have learned and discovered has sunk into my soul and has started to give me an inner peace that I have never had before. Maybe it's the realization that God is in control or that I am not, that helped me ride the wave of craziness yesterday, but whatever it was, it made all of the difference. I think that every bible verse I have posted, all the soul searching I have done, all of the sermons I have listened to and all the prayers I have written have all come together in my heart and have started to create a better me. Having to give up a lot, face adversity, feel a lot of disappointment and live off of faith has opened my eyes. Yesterday I noticed a big change in who I am.

A little bit of faith goes a long way.