Day 151 - Pit of grief

I am still feeling sad and frustrated that Brody did not get into the new charter school (it was a lottery in case I never mentioned that). Of course I know that he already goes to a great school, that public teachers are wonderful and that God might have other plans for me, but as a mother you want what you feel is best for your children and you will keep trying to get that no matter what. What I want for my children has nothing to do with anyone else and I am not giving up. Yes, God may have completely different plans for us that do not include this school and I will be okay with that, or He may just be saying, "not yet." Either way no one will know until we look back in the rearview mirror.

The way I have been feeling about our finances and not getting into the charter school and some of the things people said have made me think about something else that has been on my mind lately. Last week in church the pastor spoke about talking to your children. He said that they will approach you at least once with a really difficult experience. No matter how we feel about that experience, we must either empathize with them so they will trust us again to share how they feel, or just be there to listen. We do not always need to have an opinion about everything. There is no better way to send your kids running to the hills when you lecture them about something that is tearing their world apart. This topic hits home for me because I do have a very strong opinion. It is just my nature to comment about everything; ask my husband. But, ever since I watched and listened to my friend's grief after she lost her husband to cancer, I saw that what people really need is for you to listen. Most of the things people said to her, while meant with good intention, were far from helpful or comforting. I read this passage in a book this week and it made me think of her:

"And nothing that anyone could say seemed to help....It angered me that people might think that some pat little Christian phrase would quench the inferno of my grief. At other times, I realized people meant well and, mainly, spoke wounding words because they didn't know what else to say. There were just a couple of people who did know what to say: "I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, but I want you to know that I love you." Those were the people who climbed down with me into the pit of my grief and stayed with me. But the grief pit is a pretty nasty, slimy place, and most people don't want to get down in it."

- from What Difference do it Make? Stories of Hope and Healing

It's not easy, but I want to be the person who gets in "the pit" with people. Just last week a friend shared a heartache she was going through and I couldn't talk fast enough with comments on her situation. I'm pretty sure she didn't ask me what I thought. Funny, how we do that. In our situation as things have gotten harder I feel like people have more opinions about what they think we should be doing. I'm not talking about really useful advice; I am talking about their personal opinion. I know that they mean well, I really do, but sometimes your opinion is just pushing the other person away. On the other hand there are so many people who really just get into "the pit" with us. If I have felt like that with my tiny heartaches, I can't imagine how it feels for people with real, raw grief.

It's not surprising to me that this is a lesson I am learning right now. It's not just about being a better person of faith; it's a lesson on being a more compassionate human. It makes me think about my role as a mother and how I not only should protect them and give them the best chance that I can, but I also need to serve as a role model for them. I need to work on myself daily. Do you remember this post? These are the areas I want to work on to be a better me: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. I still need a lot of work. I hope that this post; although it may seem a little rough around the edges, can also help inspire someone else to just climb down into the "pit of grief" with a friend or loved one who needs it. Putting our opinions aside or learning to just be there can teach us to be a more compassionate and loving person, parent, friend and human.

Day 150 - Memorial Day

Today I am thankful for all of the men and women who have given and continue to give their lives to protect our freedom. I am taking a moment to really reflect on that thought, to think about the husbands of my friends who are serving and to also honor my grandfathers and great grandfathers who served in World War I & II.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13

Day 149 - What do you do with disappointment?

We have faced a lot of disappointment lately. Mark has to hear that job prospects have passed on him; that is beyond rough after awhile. I have sent a bunch of emails to pastors for guidance with a future writing career and they have essentially passed on me too. Yesterday, we found out that Brody did not get into the charter school I have been praying about, I was really bummed. After awhile you start to wonder why God won't allow something good to happen. Mark's response to not getting into the school was, "why couldn't God give us this one little thing in the face of so much disappointment." It's a good question. At this point we are walking around expecting for people to keep saying no, and it keeps on happening. We are feeling a little broken; okay a lot broken.

I don't want to be a victim. In our circumstance it is so easy to see how people become bitter. Bitter towards their past employer, the government, God, life in general and the humanity of others. Bitterness is something that creeps up in you and evades your whole being. Bitterness comes out in anger and judgment. I don't want to be that family that complains all the time and feels like their life is so much more unfair than others. How do you walk that fine line when life truly feels unfair but you don't let it victimize you? I guess the answer truly is faith.

In my face of disappointment over the charter school I went searching through my prayer journal for some sort of answer to handling reoccurring disappointments.

* To live a spirit filled life we have to have an inner dynamic to handle life's pressures, we can be joyful regardless, and we have little difficulty maintaining a positive attitude of unselfishness, servant hood and humility.

* Our hearts never need pouring out more than when they are filled with the toxic waters of bitterness.

* You will be offended by God in your life but you must trust that He is trustworthy

* Trusting God completely means having faith that God knows what is best for your life. You expect him to keep his promises, help you with problems, and do the impossible when necessary.

I can't say that reading all of this instantly makes me feel better, I still feel discouraged. I can however keep these words close to my heart to help block any bitterness or anger I may feel, especially towards God. I can hang my heart on them and allow myself to still feel hope and faith for our future.

Day 148 - Things don't have to make sense

I assume that the first thing people wonder when they know our situation is, "why doesn't Amanda get a job?" That's what I would wonder. There is no possible rational explanation for why I am not working. There are barriers, such as daycare expense for three children and it's nearly impossible to find a good paying job at this moment, but those are just barriers. I do put my resume out there every two months or so and submit it to around fifty places with no response. Last week I sent it to some companies for some lower-paying jobs just to see. To my surprise, I was sent back an email saying that I wasn't what they were looking for. I think I did the same job when I was in college. It's so frustrating, but to be perfectly honest, I only submit those resumes just in case God wants me to go back to work.

Not too long ago (and I blogged about it) I felt like God had made it very clear that I needed to find more time to be available for my family. I was sitting at my desk designing a lot for my own business. I was up extremely late every night and worked all nights but Saturdays. Not only was I missing bedtime with the kids, but Mark and I barely spent any time together just the two of us. My mentality has always been to work yourself to the ground if you have to, for whatever reason. I was pretty sure that earning money for our family was the perfect reason for me to do that. I listened though and I have really lightened my workload. It has taken a few months, but right now I am noticing a huge difference. Here's the funny thing, right when I slowed down the most is when we need money the most. It's an odd struggle to be in. My mind (and possibly any rational being on this earth) is telling me to work, work, work, but my heart and my conscious tells me to keep things the way they are.

Our bedtime routine use to be to throw everyone in bed and possibly spend an hour or so yelling at my daughter to get back in as she wandered out, cried, asked for a drink of water and did anything possible to get out of sleeping. Now, I lie with her every night until she falls asleep. I also sing to them before bedtime, I tell them how much I love them and I pray with them. I might have something to do, but I know it can wait. After all, wasn't this what I God was calling me to do when he told me to step back? As for my marriage, I have noticed a huge difference, yes I spend a lot of time writing this blog, but I definitely have more time to spend with Mark. There is less separate time and more together time.

I know that God calls us to do things that don't seem to make any sense. If they barely make sense to you, they definitely won't make sense to others. It's not a fun thing to experience, but as in life we will be judged daily by others for all of our actions, good and bad, and there is very little we can do about that. I ran into a friend at Costco yesterday who reminded me that when we go through hard times we have no idea how God is working in our lives. I do know this but I need to be constantly reminded of it. I was reminded again when I read these words in a book last night:

"Our pastor had an explanation for why I didn't realize until later how God had held my hand every step of the way." Carina says. "He says sometimes you can only understand why things happen when you see them in the rearview mirror."

There is nothing easy about having faith, but I know in my heart that when I look back in my rearview mirror years ahead, that I will see it all. I will see the how and the why of our current situation. I will see why my main purpose in life at this moment is to be available for my husband and kids and to write this blog, and that's it. I will understand why the easiest solution, like my going back to work, wasn't the right solution at all. Like I said, there is nothing easy about having faith, but in the end faith is what gets me through the days and gives me the courage to follow the plans that God has whispered to me.

Day 147 - If God asked me

If God asked me right now, what lesson I think He has been trying to teach me the most over these last three years, without a doubt I would tell Him that I am certain that it is how to be thankful for every single little thing or blessing that I have. I think He wants me to be thankful for the change in my pocket, the food in my refrigerator, the breaths my children take, every dollar in my checking account, the luxuries that I have, the places we go, the roof over our heads, the freedom to share my words, and for every important person in my life. While God has continued to test me by taking so many things away (and He is definitely continuing to do so), I marvel at all of the things that we do have because I know that they too can be gone in an instant. Every day I wonder what is next; will it be the house we are in? How about the health of someone in my family? Will it be my camera or computer? What is next? And yet, I kept a stash of money after Mark was laid off for my son's birthday, so yesterday we took him to Legoland. While we were there it did not fly past me how lucky we were, that we still have that luxury right now. There are so many people that are living with so much less than we are and I am constantly reminded of that daily. It puts me in a weird spot because I do get upset with our situation, every day for us is uncertainty for the future, and yet, today we still have so very much.

Day 146 - An answer to a prayer

Over the last 146 days I have asked God for more than just financial help, I have reached out to Him for some very specific help with some important relationships in my life and for a lot of guidance for my future. It is so easy to get completely wrapped up in my current financial crisis, that I haven't taken the time to notice how He has been working on mending areas of my heart this whole time. He has literally been answering my prayers in small and meaningful steps. It is so easy to get caught up in whatever huge heartache that we have, that we fail to notice the small miracles He is performing. I almost missed them.

On Tuesday night I did some necessary and long overdue praying. I thanked God for a lot and I asked him for a lot too. I asked God to give me a sign if I am headed in the right direction for a possible future in writing. I have not mentioned it yet, but for months now I have been heavily researching future possibilities for more education so that I can write devotions and other faith based works. Practically since Day 1 I have felt that this might be what God has been calling me to do. It is well known that writing a book has always been my largest goal, but as I continually have tried through the years to find what it is I should be writing about, I never felt like I could quite wrap my heart around it. I could never get the words to start, well that was until I started writing this blog. My heart knows how to write real life. My heart also feels like it needs more biblical education and so deciding whether or not I should go back to school to get a degree in Theology has been on my mind a lot. I got my MBA while raising my first child and it was a huge commitment for our family, now with three kids, it's not a light-hearted decision. Plus, have I mentioned we are totally broke! So before I make this leap of faith, or before I keep putting countless hours in trying to find other options, I felt I really needed God to give me a sign that this is in fact where I need to be going. I don't mind taking a leap, after all this blog was a huge leap and has been the most amazing blessing, but I just needed some reassurance that this is still God's plan for me.

That brings me to yesterday. As I said, the night prior I had asked God to please give me a sign that this is what he wanted me to do. I pretty much forgot about that prayer in the midst of celebrating my son's birthday. At 3:36pm I received an email from a reader whom I have never met before. It wasn't just an email; it was a lot of love. Enough love in one email to not only tell me how my blog has inspired her but also enough love to share some of herself with me. It was validation that yes; someone is out their reading and understands what I have to say. After I read it I was filled with joy and a lot of grace. It took me a few hours and one of those "ah ha" moments, which I think God was saying, "you dummy," when I realized that this completely out-of-the-blue email was God saying, "yes Amanda, this is your sign." There is no such thing as a coincidence, especially one like that.

So this brings me to two things. First, God does answer your prayers, maybe not the prayer(s) you think needs immediate fulfillment, but He does listen and He does answer. Secondly, this woman who emailed me took the time to send me an amazing email with a lot of love. I don't know what compelled her to write to me that day, instead of a few days before, next week or never. It is obvious that often the acts of love that we do are also a part of a bigger plan. It is so easy to brush things like that aside when we are busy, but, when it comes down to it, they are little blessings that we share with others and are often part of God's bigger plans.

So today I am reminding you to keep asking God for guidance in all areas of your life and to keep pouring blessings onto other people. It's amazing how important something so simple can be (thank you "M" for your email, truly).

P.S. Mark has an interview Friday afternoon, please pray for him! We still have not heard back from last week's interview, but I have my fingers crossed that he will move forward to the next level of interviews with that one too.

Day 145 - Strength

Today is my son's birthday and this is the bible verse I have chosen to give him.

"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect." - 2 Samuel 22:33

This verse is simple and sweet. It is a verse for a fighter, a lover, an optimist, and someone full of joy. I have seen his inner strength since the day he was born and he never stops amazing me with his sensitivity and braveness. I hope he will keep this verse close to his heart as he continues to navigate life.